Having a hard time with my mom

shes an amazing mom because she is always there for me. but as a person she is shit. utter complete shit. she is absolutely closed off to any and all of my thoughts, im sure because she doesnt like what i have to say. what i have to say to her is constructive criticism, but she is to blinded by anger and delusions of respect and age to see that. she takes humongous offense to anything i have to say that is negative about her and she should try to change. she becomes shut off to me and her anger builds up and up and up until she explodes in a screaming rage (which doent take very long, a few minutes at the most)
i try to explain she has my unconditional respect as a mother, for always being there to care for me. and i tried to explain how she doesnt yet have my full, conditional respect until shes willing to make some changes. i even pointed out to her that if she was willing to make some changes for me, i could make some for her. she raged when she heard that and slammed doors in my face and stuff. of course i couldnt give up on her though, shes my mom! and i know she needs my help, i can see it as clear as day that she has alot of issues going on that she is in total denial of. i just want her to be happy and she wont let me!
like i said, all of my advice is just insults from me trying to bring her down. i tried so many ways, every way i could think of at the time to explain to her how i felt and how we would both be so much happier if she relieved herself of these constrictions of her mind and allowed herself to be open with me and me with her. of course, she just took offence..

i dont know what the point of this is except that i desperately need to vent
what the hell can i do??

by the way i just adore how my dad comes in and tells me "you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself, thats all i have to say"

i just cant see from her perspective, i understand it though and i see how she works clearly i think. but her view is totally alien to me, she believes in control..
what the fuck is up with them? all i can do is wrong, my mom even told me she hated me and that she doesnt deserve to have such a fuckup son.\
what the HELL can i do?

OMG I am so sick of seeing this kind of shit.
Boo hoo.... everyones' parents are sooooo terrible....

Guess what.
Moms don't like (or need) to take 'constructive criticism' from teenagers. Maybe when you get out of the house and she starts looking at you like an adult, you can change your relationship to include those sorts of discussions. But take it from someone twice your age, it's going to be YEARS before you get to that point... until then, enjoy the fact that she is there for you, because that's more than a lot of kids get.

GOOO STINKY

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Originally Posted by StrwbrryFldsFrvr

GOOO STINKY

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GOOO? Good, or BOOO!?
hahahaha

Just wait until your are in a parenting role or are a parent yourself. Then maybe you can appreciate them for what they've done/are doing/will do for you.

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Originally Posted by stinkyattic

GOOO? Good,
hahahaha

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i tend to see this one.

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Originally Posted by stinkyattic

OMG I am so sick of seeing this kind of shit.
Boo hoo.... everyones' parents are sooooo terrible....

Guess what.
Moms don't like (or need) to take 'constructive criticism' from teenagers. Maybe when you get out of the house and she starts looking at you like an adult, you can change your relationship to include those sorts of discussions. But take it from someone twice your age, it's going to be YEARS before you get to that point... until then, enjoy the fact that she is there for you, because that's more than a lot of kids get.

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if your so sick of it then dont read and respond. if you can honestly tell me im doing something "wrong" then you are a fool. fuck being an adult and fuck being a teenager because we are ALL people and we all have issues that somebody can help us with. all these dumb distinctions of age and race and religion are what is preventing us from the greater truth. did you even read the whole post? my mom isnt a terrible mom she is wonderful! but she has alot of issues, terrible ones.
anyways stop being a smartass sarcastic to me, your no better then me or anyone else.

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Just wait until your are in a parenting role or are a parent yourself. Then maybe you can appreciate them for what they've done/are doing/will do for you.

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dont you understand i do? my mom has sacraficed everything for me and it makes me sick that she does that and i a just trying to help her regain her old, happy life back. i tried every way i know how to do that and nothing worked. im sure someone has to be like me enough here to understand how absolutely frustrating this is!

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Originally Posted by MagicalHerb

my mom isnt a terrible mom she is wonderful! but she has alot of issues, terrible ones.

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Originally Posted by MagicalHerb

? my mom has sacraficed everything for me

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Well if she is such a great mom, maybe you should have headed your thread with, "I'm worried about my mom" or "My mom needs to start putting her own needs first" instead of having the good stuff buried in the body of the post (which yes, I DID read in its entirety) under the heading that basically says she's a shithead.

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Originally Posted by MagicalHerb

anyways stop being a smartass sarcastic to me, your no better then me or anyone else.

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At least I have a little family loyalty not to go smearing my mom on the internet... we had our differences, just like everyone else....sheesh...

You look like a brat, posting this stuff.

My mom can be a know it all at times, but other than that I think she's to good for me. . .She deserved to raise a kid with alot more motivation. . .

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Originally Posted by stinkyattic

Well if she is such a great mom, maybe you should have headed your thread with, "I'm worried about my mom" or "My mom needs to start putting her own needs first" instead of having the good stuff buried in the body of the post (which yes, I DID read in its entirety) under the heading that basically says she's a shithead.

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yeah i know your totally right i was just sort of mentally clouded with frustration when i wrote it and wasnt thinking when i wrote it. it does seem pretty assonine though now that i look it it again.

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At least I have a little family loyalty not to go smearing my mom on the internet... we had our differences, just like everyone else....sheesh...

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im not "smearing" my mom (if by smearing you mean ragging on, ive never heard it put that way before). i was looking to vent to other humans, and maybe get some friendly advice on what to do because its in our psychology to do so. im home sick and i couldnt talk to my friends or girlfriend, theyre in school, so i thought this was a safe place to do so.

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You look like a brat, posting this stuff.

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i dont think brat was the right word there. in fact that was just an unneccesary statement, straight up rude. i dont care about what you think of me anyways, there isnt much i can do aside from sucking up thats gonna change it. and i dont think id very much like to do that.

ok but no hard feelings though? im attempting to fit in and it usually doesnt work in the real world. i want a place where i can come to share information, learn and vent to people. now tell me if im wrong, but isnt this a good place for that?

It is, don't let the opinion of one (no offense Stinky) get you bummed or something. I'm sure there are some that will give you advice or pity or whatever you are looking for.

i dont know if i want to respond to that. but im going to anyways just to prove that point.

Just dont talk in a bitchy tone and no one will call you a cry baby. . .

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Originally Posted by MagicalHerb

ok but no hard feelings though? im attempting to fit in and it usually doesnt work in the real world. i want a place where i can come to share information, learn and vent to people. now tell me if im wrong, but isnt this a good place for that?

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It generally IS a place to share feelings with people.. I see you're a nOOb... ;)
You are just going to have to remember that when you post in anger, you might say things either in a WAY that you don't mean, or things you don't really mean at all...(lol I've got an infraction on my record from that, no one is perfect!)
Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and reread your post before you hit submit, or stuff goes up that gives others the wrong impression of who you are!
It's tough being a teenager and sort of being in that limbo where you are starting to think like an adult and see things that you never noticed before- like yes, flaws in your family- and having your parents not quite ready to see you that way yet.
Maybe because watching your child grow up is exciting but at the same time bittersweet, that the time is coming when you will be leaving the house, and they know they will miss you.
Trust me, it's hard to criticize your parents constructively when you are still living under their roof.. like it or not, it is bound to come across as a challenge to their authority over you... and in a way it IS... I'm sure there ARE ways to talk to your parents about this stuff... this is a good place to practice being a bit more political, ya dig?
Like telling your mom that you're worried about her and want to make sure she has time for her own needs... maybe even helping her MAKE that time...
Anyway that's my several cents on the issue.

Edit: I guess I was posting as the same time as Dusto (who I respect quite a bit btw)... I may bitch at you a bit, but that doesn't mean I won't also try to help...

Listen man. I know exactly what you are going through. You have a strong-willed mother, and a good father, who perhaps could use some lessons in being a real man.

You simply have to deal with it and show your mom some respect. I know how such an attitude can make an entire family dysfunctional, but questioning her only makes thing worse.

You have to start going out of your way to show she cares to get you off her back, being honest, being the best person you can be.

I know how hard this kind of situation can be, but you gotta show her all the respect you can, even if it's not enough for her. She's your mom, and the only person who could love you like no other.

damn yo
just shut up if you dont like what i have to say! why cant you just click on a different page of the internet! its not hard and its going to save me alot of bullshit i dont want to deal with so why not.

and for the record how are you one to tell what tone im talking in. in fact im not even talking. im typing and typing doesnt have a tone. and im NOT beign bitchy so how is it that everyone seems to be against me on this one? when i wrote it i didnt expect all these people to come and lecture me, i thought this was a chill place. you guys smoke up too? its hard to believe

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Originally Posted by FreeVenice

I think she's to good for me. . .. . .

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That part of the post made me feel gushy inside. I hope my kids love me that much! But of course I want them to have some motivation and not feel that negative about themselves too....

Try to feel good about yourself FreeVenice, and you'll be the kind of son/daughter every mom wants. Confident, loving, respectful.

:jointsmile: Bree

Dude, they are giving you advise. Wherther you like it or not is your problem. If you want someone to hold your hand, you gotta say that!!!

Geez and I was trying to be 'constructive'... if you can't recognize constructive criticism when it jumps up and bites you in the nose, no wonder you and your mother can't see eye to eye!

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Originally Posted by MagicalHerb

just shut up if you dont like what i have to say! ... its going to save me alot of bullshit i dont want to deal with so why not.

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Welcome to the wild world of forum posting... why bother even posting it if you just want people to READ it but not respond! Durrrr

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Originally Posted by MagicalHerb

and for the record how are you one to tell what tone im talking in. in fact im not even talking. im typing and typing doesnt have a tone.

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Sorry to break it to ya... typing has a tone if you write well... if you have trouble expressing yourself in text, perhaps you should reconsider posting at all.

NOW you sound bitchy. I hope it's just the fever talking.

sigh sigh sigh
thank you so much stinky and thc. i really just needed an outside perspective.
its going to be hard though, you guys dont know my mom. she can sit and scream in my face for 10 minutes over (literally) nothing, jsut stupid little issues that odnt deserve that level of emotion. and call me a little shit and worthless and then expect respect. do you really think she still deserves it there?
when she gets home, im going to try telling her

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this is a good place to practice being a bit more political, ya dig?
Like telling your mom that you're worried about her and want to make sure she has time for her own needs... maybe even helping her MAKE that time...
Anyway that's my several cents on the issue.

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that. and then i just have to find a way to keep her from becoming shut off once i bring it up.

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Originally Posted by stinkyattic

Geez and I was trying to be 'constructive'... if you can't recognize constructive criticism when it jumps up and bites you in the nose, no wonder you and your mother can't see eye to eye!

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nononono im sorry i wasnt talking to you! i really appreciate what you had to say. this is where message boards have their flaws..

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damn yo
just shut up if you dont like what i have to say! why cant you just click on a different page of the internet! its not hard and its going to save me alot of bullshit i dont want to deal with so why not.

and for the record how are you one to tell what tone im talking in. in fact im not even talking. im typing and typing doesnt have a tone. and im NOT beign bitchy so how is it that everyone seems to be against me on this one? when i wrote it i didnt expect all these people to come and lecture me, i thought this was a chill place. you guys smoke up too? its hard to believe

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that, was a response to this.

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Originally Posted by FreeVenice

Just dont talk in a bitchy tone and no one will call you a cry baby. . .

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and nothign else,
except maybe the select few other people that didnt offer me shit except trouble.

learning, are you

yes, i am.
what do you percieve me as learning?

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Originally Posted by dusto2k3

learning, are you

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lol!
That's the ticket!
If you are directing an argument against a specific post, you must use the quote function, or address that person individually!
This thread should be made a sticky... 'The Forum Learning Curve- Watch A NooB Learn To Get His Point Across Effectively'
:D

very, very funny
=)
yeah i suppose i suck at talking online. thank you guys for the help though! it means alot to me cuz i plan on staying here a while,
i have to go now though. my back (and actually most of my body) is all in pain from sitting and stuff and i wanna go do something else.
peace!:hippy: :hippy:

I understand where you are coming from, now understand where she is coming from.

She does not want to take advice from you.
I think she made that pretty clear by ignoring what you say, is it right or wrong, who knows, i personally feel like a parent should be able to learn from a child, as the learning process is never over.
But when push comes to shove she is your mother, and as long as she is taking care of you and doing her motherly thing, she could be shooting smack into her eyeballs and you have no 'right' to say anything otherwise.

When you get older, and more independent, it will be easier for you to have the talks you desire with your mother. Just wait it out.


Stinky, although i see what you are saying, let the kids vent. espeically when they can not do it at home:)

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Originally Posted by MagicalHerb

sigh sigh sigh
thank you so much stinky and thc. i really just needed an outside perspective.
its going to be hard though, you guys dont know my mom. she can sit and scream in my face for 10 minutes over (literally) nothing, jsut stupid little issues that odnt deserve that level of emotion. and call me a little shit and worthless and then expect respect. do you really think she still deserves it there?
when she gets home, im going to try telling her

that. and then i just have to find a way to keep her from becoming shut off once i bring it up.

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Oh I do know exactly what I'm talking about. My mom is the same way, infact my mom would probably devour your mom if they were in an verbal abusing match. Believe me, don't bother trying to bring it up with her. You'll both just waste away in emotional anger. Give yourself some peace.

You have to bring more positivity to the situation surrounding you. Do what your mom wants, even if you disagree with it. That's the only way you'll stay sane.

MagicalHerb,
Try writing to her. If things tend to get heated and screaming matches tend to start when you discuss things--or attempt to--try putting your feelings down on paper or monitor instead. It's never ideal to try and discuss things when either party is hot and emotional because the issues really never get dealt with--only the emotion, which tends to escalate if it's already at high levels.

Anyone ever teach you or your mom about "I" language? It's a way of expressing your own feelings and thoughts that helps not put someone else on the defensive. "Mom, I feel angry when you . . ." . That gets you out of the "You are pissing me off, Mom" loop, believe it or not, and helps you take responsibility for the only part of the debate and the resulting responses you can control, which is your end of it. Here's a link. Arguing constructively is not easy to do, especially when you both need work on your communications skills, but it's worth practicing.
Using I Language - Marriage - Families.com

Good luck! If all else fails, take a break from her, come back later when you're both cooler, and, somewhere deep down, try to always remember that there's also good with the bad. StinkyAttic's exactly right that, even though y'all argue, it appears your mom has hung in there with you, which is more than a lot of kids can say. If y'all feel anything like my son and I do about one another, I suspect that deep down you love each other a great deal. The arguments wouldn't be so passionate if you didn't!

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Originally Posted by birdgirl73

Anyone ever teach you or your mom about "I" language? ..... "Mom, I feel angry when you . . ." ..... helps you take responsibility for the only part of the debate and the resulting responses you can control, which is your end of it. !

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YES
This method works AMAZINGLY well in so many different situations... when you are out in the workforce, it's literally the ONLY way to bring up issues with your supervisor without putting them on the defensive, which is when they will not only block out what you are saying, but become angry that you are criticizing them.

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Originally Posted by stinkyattic

Well if she is such a great mom, maybe you should have headed your thread with, "I'm worried about my mom" or "My mom needs to start putting her own needs first" instead of having the good stuff buried in the body of the post (which yes, I DID read in its entirety) under the heading that basically says she's a shithead.



At least I have a little family loyalty not to go smearing my mom on the internet... we had our differences, just like everyone else....sheesh...

You look like a brat, posting this stuff.

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True that, if I got a problem with my mom lets get this done in person..

But I can see where he's comming from, considering the fact that my mom doesn't give a shit about what I think or say, but she still supports me which is all good, but I don't get all emo about it cuz I have friends and I don't have to worry about my mom's feelings all day..

i am not a wise old man but here is what i have learned. if someone who is significantly younger than me tries to find faults in me and tell me how to be a better person, they dont have a damn clue what they are talking about. and if they try to act all enlightened and wise about it, which your post gave me the impression you have done that, then it is just going to piss me off. and if you are insulting your mother it is you who be the terrible person show some fucking respect you little brat.

oh yeah, and try writing her a letter. you think that will fix things you are delusional. try acting like a better person. also if what she is so close minded about is your curfew time, your grades, you smoking or drinking or any shit like that, then you are just a whiny little pussy because that is how 95% of good parents are.

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Originally Posted by suhl

i am not a wise old man but here is what i have learned. if someone who is significantly younger than me tries to find faults in me and tell me how to be a better person, they dont have a damn clue what they are talking about. and if they try to act all enlightened and wise about it, which your post gave me the impression you have done that, then it is just going to piss me off. and if you are insulting your mother it is you who be the terrible person show some fucking respect you little brat.

oh yeah, and try writing her a letter. you think that will fix things you are delusional. try acting like a better person. also if what she is so close minded about is your curfew time, your grades, you smoking or drinking or any shit like that, then you are just a whiny little pussy because that is how 95% of good parents are.

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alright man you are one cool guy :thumbsup: im glad you can think up such good things to say as a "whiney little pussy" thats helpful to EVERYONE! =D
dude, you are pathetic! like i said before if you dont like what i have to say then dont read or respond. im not even going to take what you said into consideration, because you wrote it like a total jackass and i dont trust jackasses with important decisions. if you want to get a point across to someone, you have to tell it to them in a way thats going to make them want to listen. even I know that. im also fairly sure you dont know what your talking about, and even if you think you do its total bs to me so i dont really care either way.
anyways i dont think you took the time to read the whole thread either. if you did youd realise im not one of those stupid kids who goes insane on his mom for taking his weed, or something like that.
is it possible for a mod to change the title to something less aggressive, so i dont get all these ritchous people in here flaming me?

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Originally Posted by birdgirl73

MagicalHerb,
Try writing to her. If things tend to get heated and screaming matches tend to start when you discuss things--or attempt to--try putting your feelings down on paper or monitor instead. It's never ideal to try and discuss things when either party is hot and emotional because the issues really never get dealt with--only the emotion, which tends to escalate if it's already at high levels.

Anyone ever teach you or your mom about "I" language? It's a way of expressing your own feelings and thoughts that helps not put someone else on the defensive. "Mom, I feel angry when you . . ." . That gets you out of the "You are pissing me off, Mom" loop, believe it or not, and helps you take responsibility for the only part of the debate and the resulting responses you can control, which is your end of it. Here's a link. Arguing constructively is not easy to do, especially when you both need work on your communications skills, but it's worth practicing.
Using I Language - Marriage - Families.com

Good luck! If all else fails, take a break from her, come back later when you're both cooler, and, somewhere deep down, try to always remember that there's also good with the bad. StinkyAttic's exactly right that, even though y'all argue, it appears your mom has hung in there with you, which is more than a lot of kids can say. If y'all feel anything like my son and I do about one another, I suspect that deep down you love each other a great deal. The arguments wouldn't be so passionate if you didn't!

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you really know what your talking about, thank you so much! its nice that some people take pleasure in helping others..

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Originally Posted by MagicalHerb

is it possible for a mod to change the title to something less aggressive, so i dont get all these ritchous people in here flaming me?

. . .

you really know what your talking about, thank you so much! its nice that some people take pleasure in helping others..

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It's not only possible, it was a pleasure to do that--in respect for moms and kids everywhere.

You're quite welcome, by the way. That word, incidentally, is "righteous."

Yup your confused... Mom loves you and you love her,,,so leave it there for a while till something really important comes up ,,,like your first car...

The answer is simple: Go on a talk show.

Jerry Springer, or for thoes who remember, Richard Bay.

I was thinking more of Montel, Ricky or Sally, those kinda cats.

MEh, on talk shows, EVERYONE comes off looking like ignorant fuckups who can't handle their business.

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Originally Posted by stinkyattic

OMG I am so sick of seeing this kind of shit.
Boo hoo.... everyones' parents are sooooo terrible....

Guess what.
Moms don't like (or need) to take 'constructive criticism' from teenagers. Maybe when you get out of the house and she starts looking at you like an adult, you can change your relationship to include those sorts of discussions. But take it from someone twice your age, it's going to be YEARS before you get to that point... until then, enjoy the fact that she is there for you, because that's more than a lot of kids get.

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Whoo-hoo! Nice. :thumbsup:

I'll just say at least you have a mother. Think about those who don't, and don't take it for granted. You only get one mother, and when she's gone, you'll be kicking yourself over trivial, small things like this.

Good point Chowder... I think the poster realizes how speacial Mom is,,, it's just he is at a stage where he can't get over and it's killing him...