PLZ read i need help on letter

Hi all,
So i am writing this letter to the president & finaid office of my school, I Was hoping u all would read it and would tell me what u think. I'm trying to get more moeny for school and if there are any errors or anything u would add or if you could please tell me if its good or bad or flows well i would APPRECIATE IT! and i took out some details to keep me anonymous, they are XXXXed out

Dear Dr. XXX,

I am currently a junior here at XXX. I am a member of XXX and the XXX. I have participated in alumni gift phonathons for the school and work-studied for the XXX Office. I also ran on the Cross Country team this past season. I am a Business Administration major and I maintain a 3.0 GPA. I transferred here as a sophomore after attending the XXX in my hometown of XXX. I have been receiving an exemplary education at this fine institution and I know I made the right choice to continue my education here. I have always dreamt of attending a private college as they are very prestigious and provide the staff and education that most public schools canâ??t. I never thought I actually would attend one because public school is all I thought I could afford, but after doing research I realized the degree is worth it. It has been difficult for me to finance my education and by the time I graduate I will have accumulated nearly sixty-thousand dollars in debt. The debts are being paid by me, as my mother can not afford them. I currently receive eight thousand dollars of financial aid to this school. I know that a degree from this school will someday pay for itself, but the amount of debt I am in is overwhelming.

I have looked at several scholarships but many of them for this school require a XXX residency. Several of my friends who have a lower GPA than me or who are much less involved on campus receive much more aid through programs such as XXX Futures or the XXX Scholarship, which I am not eligible for only because I am not a resident of this state. I was also a transfer student so scholarships awarded to high school seniors or incoming freshmen were not available to me. It was a leap of faith and a difficult decision for me to move from XXX to XXX. My mother knew that she could not afford my education so she never pushed me attend college. The decision to go to college was my own. I did all the school research and put in applications myself as my mother were not familiar with the process. I have no family in XXX and moved on my own without knowing anyone. Knowing people from the same region or state that you are from can help make the transition easier, but there are few students from the Midwest attending XXX. I only know of one other student from XXX. I have applied for several other scholarships that I researched at EducationQuest but I have not received any.

My mother is single and my sole supporter. The tuition of this school with my aid comes to approximately twenty-thousand dollars per year and my motherâ??s salary is only slightly over thirty-five thousand dollars. She will be 60 years old this year and is only a few years from retirement. Even though her job causes her a lot of pain, she is not on disability pay and never takes off work. She has years of perfect attendance at XXX, a factory where she works using manual labor to create XXX ATVs. I worked there this summer full-time to pay for out-of-pocket expenses for school. I realized the job is very hard; it is extremely loud, dirty and hot. Many people I worked with didnâ??t go to college for different reasons and this job made me appreciate my education because I know that I do not want to become a laborer. My mother is excellent with her finances and always pays her bills on time. She never had the opportunity to go to college. She has already raised X children, my half brothers and sisters who are all married and on their own. Recently, she was diagnosed with retinal occlusion. This means she had a stroke behind her left eye which resulted in most of her vision being lost in that eye. She still goes to work every day to pay her bills and does not receive any assistance.

I take after my mother and have always been a hard worker. When I was younger, if I wanted to go to summer camps or on school trips, I would have to earn my way. I would sell candy, cookies, and POGO cards, organize car washes and garage sales along with many other fundraisers so I could go on these trips as my parents couldnâ??t afford them. Iâ??ve always tried to be independent and have earned money since I was very young which is why being business major is a natural choice for me. When I was 6 years old I worked with my mother delivering a newspaper around town. I started to work on my own when I was 15. My first job was detasseling, which is hard farm work where the tassel of the corn is pulled off. I have also worked in a factory, in restaurants, in retail and also doing phone work. I have never been without a job for very long because I pay for most of my own expenses. I am thankful that I earn my own money because it gives me good work ethic, financial skills and taught me to be independent.

Being independent, my biggest fear is not being able to pay my own bills when I graduate. I can not depend on my mother as money is tight with her new medical condition and that she is near retirement. I have always pushed myself to achieve the very best. I have always had a 3.0 GPA or higher and have always been involved with my school as I have a lot of pride in wherever I am. What I am asking of you, Dr. XXX, is to personally review my financial aid package. If there are any scholarships you could recommend to me or any way you could help me financially it would be truly appreciated. Waiving the XXX residency requirement for a scholarship could help me greatly. I do plan on staying in XXX after I graduate. I have called alumni during school phonathons and asked them to give financial gifts, now I hope that you can help me in the form of financial aid. I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read this letter and I hope to hear from you soon.


THANK YOU CANNABIS.COM members for reading! I appreciate it. :rastasmoke: :rastasmoke: :D

nice :thumbsup: good quality letter you got going on

This is my suggestion. I deleted all the the stuff about your mom. It wasn't important and only made the letter longer. It is about you, and why YOU should recieve more aid. The president doesn't want to read that long of letter. I wouldn't suggest sending it the way you have it written. You don't have to take all the advice, and there are still likely errors to be found in it. This is the advice of two English Majors reading over it together, take it for what you will. Good luck, and hope you get the aid you are looking for.

Dear Dr. XXX,

I am currently a junior here at XXX and am a member of XXX and the XXX. I have participated in alumni gift phonathons and work-studied for the XXX Office. I also ran on the Cross Country team this past season. I am a Business Administration major with a cumulative GPA of 3.0. I have been receiving an exemplary education at this fine institution and I know I made the right choice to continue my education here. I have always dreamt of attending a private college because they provide quality professors and an education that most public schools canâ??t match. I never thought I would ever attend one though because public school is all I thought I could afford, but after doing research I realized the degree is worth the financial burden. It has been difficult for me to finance my education and by the time I graduate I will have accumulated nearly sixty-thousand dollars in debt. I will receive no help in paying this debt off, as my mother canâ??t afford it. I currently receive eight thousand dollars of financial aid to this school (a smester?). I know that a degree from this school will someday pay for itself, but the amount of debt I am in is overwhelming.

I have looked at several scholarships, but many of them require a XXX residency. Several of my friends who have a lower GPA than me, or who are less involved in campus activities, receive more finacial aid through programs such as XXX Futures or the XXX Scholarship. Unfortunately, I am not eligible for these scholarships because I am not a resident of this state. I was also a transfer student so scholarships awarded to high school seniors or incoming freshmen are not available to me. It was a leap of faith and a difficult decision for me to move from XXX to XXX. I have applied for several other scholarships that I researched at EducationQuest but I have not received any aid.

My mother is single and my sole supporter. The cost of this institution, with my financial aid, comes to approximately twenty-thousand dollars per year and my motherâ??s salary is only slightly over thirty-five thousand dollars. I worked at XXX ATVâ??s this summer full-time to pay for out-of-pocket expenses. I realized the job is very hard; it is extremely loud, dirty and hot. Many people I worked with didnâ??t go to college for different reasons and this job made me appreciate my education because I know that I do not want to become a laborer.

I have always pushed myself to achieve the very best. I maintained a 3.0 GPA or higher. I am also involved in many extra curriculaâ??s as I have a lot of pride for this school. What I am asking of you, Dr. XXX, is to personally review my financial aid package. If there are any scholarships you could recommend for me, or any way you could help me financially, it would be greatly appreciated. Waiving the XXX residency requirement for a scholarship could help me greatly. I do plan on staying in XXX after I graduate. I have called alumni during school phonathons and asked them to give financial gifts, now I hope that you can help me in the form of financial aid. I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read this letter and I look forward to hearing from you soon. If you have any questions or comments, you can contact me at XXX.

Have you sent it off yet?

i agree about taking that stuff out..long letters are not well received..

are you a resident after living there a year?

i have never personally heard of someone doing this..i didnt even know it could be done...usually you work and whatnot, and i didnt even know there was much financial support for someone with a 3.0...there are usually loads of jobs in college towns...i am not trying to sound crappy, but you chose to go to that college and take on these expenses..shouldnt you find a way to take care of your expenses? i mean, you are a business major after all...

princess

yeah id agree the letter seems fine but the longer it is the more chance the person reading it will just skip through lines.


short n direct is the best approach

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by surreys princess

i agree about taking that stuff out..long letters are not well received..

are you a resident after living there a year?

i have never personally heard of someone doing this..i didnt even know it could be done...usually you work and whatnot, and i didnt even know there was much financial support for someone with a 3.0...there are usually loads of jobs in college towns...i am not trying to sound crappy, but you chose to go to that college and take on these expenses..shouldnt you find a way to take care of your expenses? i mean, you are a business major after all...

princess

---

What have you never heard of? There are all kind of hidden grants you can find if you look hard enough. I saw one that was for 30,000 with the stipulation that the student live at a certain adress the year of 05'.

That one was a dad's way of paying for his son's college with tax benifits too though.

I agree though, you knew what you were getting yourself into when you transfered there. It is all a matter of how good an investment you are making. What jobs will be available to you, how much they pay, how long you think it will take to pay off your loans, etc. I'm thinking about going to The Art Institute but that will put me in the hole 80,000 plus. If it seems like it is worth the investment I will get the loans to pay for it, if not I will stick at my four year.

But don't get your feelings hurt if you get nowhere with this letter. I doubt the president will do much research on your behalf. He may be nice, and point you in the right direction, but don't expect much.

soz m8 couldnt be bothered to read it or or any of it tbh but nice long letter :)

sure there are loads of grants and stuff....i was just saying i have never heard of writing the president of your school or anything asking for them..i struggled desperately in school, but i worked and i wasnt writing the president of my school for anything..so, the place she worked was hot and whatnot..if you want it bad enough you will do what you need to and not ask for handouts..and yes, this is asking for handouts..it is very different than searching for hidden scholarships....i wonder how much time was spent on researching who to ask for money? i am sure a job could have filled that time just as well...

princess

i wonder, how many letters does that guy get a day?

chisme's got the right idea, short and direct.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by surreys princess

sure there are loads of grants and stuff....i was just saying i have never heard of writing the president of your school or anything asking for them..i struggled desperately in school, but i worked and i wasnt writing the president of my school for anything..so, the place she worked was hot and whatnot..if you want it bad enough you will do what you need to and not ask for handouts..and yes, this is asking for handouts..it is very different than searching for hidden scholarships....i wonder how much time was spent on researching who to ask for money? i am sure a job could have filled that time just as well...

princess

---

I agree with you, which I is why I doubt she will get much in the way of a response. The letter is already written though, so there is no harm in sending it. The worst that can happen is it won't ever be read.

I go to a school of only 1,600 and the president of my school is a female. The school is very big on giving aid and friends of mine have done the same thing (wrote to the president) to appeal their financial aid package. The tuition of the school is 27,000 dollars a year and I get about 8,000 in aid. When I graduate, I will be making payments of about $400 a month to pay for it. The reason I am appealing this is because numbers can't show everything. Most students at my school have their parents paying for it and it is just not possible in my family for my mom to take on that kind of debt. A friend of mine who has a 2.0 had her entire college paid for but lost one scholarship but still only pays $5000 a semester if she lives on campus. Her family makes the same amount or a little more than my mom and she gets all her college paid for because shes from that state? I think that's a little ridiculous. My GPA would be higher but there is no such thing as a B+ C+ in the school, if you have a B, no matter if its a 89 or an 80, you come out with a 3.0. I DO know that writing this letter can't hurt. They won't take anything away from my financial aid package, they can just say no. I'd rather write this letter and be told no than sit on my thumbs wondering if i could have recieved more aid. I'm also sending a letter to the dean and the financial aid office. Thanks for your help!!

yeah, i got all that....

but as i said....YOU chose to go there..YOU knew this when you started there, when you left for there, transferred there, whatever you did to get there...it bothers me that you will write and ask for money and then defend it instead of helping yourself...

you are an adult and your education is your responsibility....my point was very basic...get a job..or two..

princess

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by surreys princess

sure there are loads of grants and stuff....i was just saying i have never heard of writing the president of your school or anything asking for them..i struggled desperately in school, but i worked and i wasnt writing the president of my school for anything..so, the place she worked was hot and whatnot..if you want it bad enough you will do what you need to and not ask for handouts..and yes, this is asking for handouts..it is very different than searching for hidden scholarships....i wonder how much time was spent on researching who to ask for money? i am sure a job could have filled that time just as well...

princess

---

I do work and save money, which is more than can be said for most kids who attend a private school. Because my parents made bad decisions when they were younger why should I settle on going to a college where I won't get a better education? I want to be making a lot of money when I'm older, I want to be an economist like Jeffrey Sachs who uses his knowledge to help the poor, not only of this country but in other countries. I work, I look for scholarships, I do my homework and I'm involved in school. Why should I not write this letter? Maybe it is asking for a handout but I'm not going to feel guilty for asking for money when I see less qualified people getting it every day. I'm one of the few of my friends who didnt get pregnant and drop out of school or blow my money on yayo or be on welfare. The worst thing that can happen is that they say no. They're not going to take away any money, I know that. If I went to a public school I know this would be absolutely ridiculous but I go to a school of 1,600 and the college president is really involved with the students. The school is liberal with their money, we have alumni giving millions of dollars to the school every year (which I know from working in the advancement office) If I can't get any more aid for whatever reason I will just have to pay this debt when I graduate every month, which I will just have to do. It's not like I can hide from the debt I've already accumulated but anything I can do to make it easier I will. I've considered even becoming a stripper but there is not a strip club in the town because thats one of the only legal ways I can think of of making some fast money to squirrel away to pay for this debt. Who wants to be in debt for 30 years? not me. All I can hope for is a job that pays 40K + a year when I get out of college and hopefully someday I can go to grad school. Maybe I should have stayed in my own socioeconomic group but after reading Jonothan Kozol's savage inequalities it inspired me to do the best for myself so I didn't stay in the same neighborhood and raise my kids in the same neighborhood and send them to the same schools....I'm going off on a tangent but I wanted to explain myself. Also I am working 2 jobs and am looking for a third. I am saving money and everything and anything I can do that might help I am doing. It's not like im sitting on my ass eating cheetoes and doing nothing. But i'm done, im not going to explain this any more, I know that even if I get $50 for writing this letter that's $50 I don't have to worry about.

stay you're own socioeconomic group? bullshit.

sweetheart, you have goals and you deserve and have the right to achieve them.

go get em tiger!

wow........

i never said any of that....

i am a firm believer that anyone can be anything they want, if they want it bad enough..all i was saying was do for yourself, dont look for others to do for you..i am sorry if you feel slighted by my comments, but you portrayed yourself that way..all you mentioned was you once had a summer job and it was too hotttttttttttt...you seem to be very focused on the easy way out..you mention wanting to be a stripper for fast money..in another post you mention the benefit of private school because they give you more money..you mention in your last post here that basically, you should be rewarded for making the right decisions (staying in school, no babies, etc) just because others havent..you just dont come across to me as someone who wants to do for yourself..i am sorry if you dont like the opinion i formed, but i only did that based on what you presented...

no, its ok i can understand that. It's hard to understand me from those few paragraphs. The job was very hot and loud and hard but I went to work every day, never missed a day. I think that I am a very hard worker and I would appreciate some help from the school. I'm not mad at you or anything and I appreciate your comments but I think at first I'm going to send the letter to the financial aid office and then to the president of the school. If there's help out there I would appreciate it. I think the "easy way out" would be to drop out of school and just pay the debt I have now or to make another dumb decision. But its ok. I just dont want you to think that I'm some lazy ass, because I'm not. I can tell you value hard work, as do I, but anything that can make my life easier is something I will try.

It is normal for students who are residents of the state the school is in to pay less. No resident students have to pay out of state tuiton no matter where they go. There are a few exceptions to the rule like a full scholarship or maybe a hardship type aid. I.E. Hurricane Katrina.

If you school is so small, why don't you just go talk to this person?

My sister went to Yale and fought for the new finaid rules they have now. If your parent(s) make under 40k combined, you have a free ride. Can i ask what school this is? Also, as far as your letter is concerned, it is ENTIRELY too long. Cut it in half.

Coming from an Ivy League family, i never understood the importance of such a lavish and expensive education. The president of my school is now the Secretary of Defense.