Word of God (a joke for you non-conservatives)

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would
propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex
marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a
man and a woman."

I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When
someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I
simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates
a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10 - it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there
'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room
here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though Lev. 19:27 expressly forbids this.
How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a f arm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two differ ent kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them, like in Lev.24:10-16? Couldn't we just burn
them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who
sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these
things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such
matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

LOL haha

nice :D

Very good Clevemire :D

Were all going to hell....


Why can't I own Canadians?
Because were all just a bunch of beer chugging pot heads
And would make terrible slaves..

Such a peaceful, forgiving, and acceptable religion....

:rolleyes:

http://boards.cannabis.com/showthread.php?t=374

This was posted back before you joined - a few got their knickers in a knot over it (as you can see from the replies)

I still think it's a great piece :p

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lulu

http://boards.cannabis.com/showthread.php?t=374

This was posted back before you joined - a few got their knickers in a knot over it (as you can see from the replies)

I still think it's a great piece :p

---

See, Cheeched? You're not the only one who is 'unoriginal' LOL :D


I see from the older post that some bimble thumpers were deeply offended by this. Well, I hate to be crude, but that's their problem. It's not our fault they refuse to have an open mind...

I love that! I need to send it to all the people that argue up and down with me about Bush and gay marriage etc. You just made my day. I love having a good argument!

haha *applauds* nice, cleve.. i think that someone should send it to bush and see what he says ;]

haha nice one.
in the offended posts someone says something about "receiving him", "after the act" or something lol.
man i went looking for bits like that the other day. hard to find all the stone the infidel stuff. :D

Oh my god ((oops)) this piece is HELL-arious.

Really it is. I laughed out loud. Of course.. I am kinda buzzed.

1. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? "Noo dont own us canadians. we enjoy shoveling snow and hunting too much!! ~ I'm funny!

2.
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her? ~ I dunno deoends what traliro park she came from!

smasnigly funny!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BOgart.bitch

haha *applauds* nice, cleve.. i think that someone should send it to bush and see what he says ;]

---

Bush would have to find someone that could not only read it to him, but point out the context to him, also....
lol

Bless him, eh?

There are many contradictions lol (taken from http://www.dimensional.com/~randl/tcont.htm )

Here are a few of the contradictions:

Should we kill?
Ex. 20:13 Thou shalt not commit murder.
Ex. 32:27 Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, put every man his sword by his side...and slay every man his brother...companion..neighbor.(See also 1 Sam. 6:19; 15:2,3; Num. 15:36)

Ex 20:5 "...for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God..." (see also Ex 34:14, Deut 4:24, Josh 24:19, and Nah 1:2)
Gal 5:19-20 "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are...jealousy..." (See also 2 Cor 12:20)

Should we tell lies?
Ex. 20:16 Thou shalt not bear false witness.(Prov. 12:22; Rev. 21:8)
1 Kings 22:23 The Lord hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these thy prophets, and the Lord hath spoken evil concerning thee. (II Thess. 2:11; Josh. 2:4-6 with James 2:25)

Should we steal?
Ex. 20:15 Thou shalt not steal. (Lev. 19:13)
Ex. 3:22. And ye shall spoil the Egyptians. (Ex. 12:35-36; Luke 19:29-33)

Shall we keep the Sabbath?
Ex. 20:8 Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. (Ex. 31:15; Num. 15:32,36)
Is. 1:13 The new moons and the Sabbaths, the calling of assemblies, I cannot away with; it is iniquity. (John 5:16; Matt. 12:1-5)


Shall we make Graven images?
Ex. 20:4. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven...earth...water. (Lev. 26:1)
EX. 25:18 And thou shalt make two cherubims of gold, of beaten work shalt thou make them.

Are we "saved" through works?
Eph. 2:8,9 For by grace are ye saved through faith...not of works. (Rom. 3:20, 28; Gal. 2:16)
James 2:24 Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only.(Matt. 19:16-21)


Should good works be seen?
Matt. 5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works. (I Peter 2:12)
Matt. 6:1-4 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them...that thine alms may be in secret. (Matt. 23:5)


Should we own slaves?
Lev. 25:45-46 Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy...and they shall be your posession...they shall be your bondmen forever. (Gen. 9:25; Ex. 21:2,7; Joel 3:8; Luke 12:47; Col. 3:22)
Is. 58:6 Undo the heavy burdens...break every yoke. (Matt. 23:10)


Does God change his mind?
Mal. 3:6. For I am the Lord; I change not. Num. 23:19 God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent. (Ezek. 24:14; James 1:17)
Ex. 32:14. And the Lord repented of the evil which he had thought to do unto his people. (Gen. 6:6; Jonah 3:10; Sam. 2:30-31; II Kings 20:1-6; Num. 16:20-35)


Are we punished for our parent's sins?
Ex. 20:5 For I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generations. (Ex. 34:7)
Ezek. 18:20 The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father.

Is God good or evil?
Psa. 145:9. The Lord is good to all. (Deut. 32:4; James 1:13)
Is. 45:7 I make peace and create evil. I the Lord do all these things. (Lam 3:38; Jer. 18:11; Ezek. 20:25)

Is God Peaceable?
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. (Luke 2:14; Acts 10:36)
Matt. 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth, I came not to send peace, but a sword. (Matt. 10:35-37; Luke 22:36)

Was Jesus trustworthy?
John 8:14 Though I bear record of myself, yet my record is true.
John 5:31 If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true.

Shall we call people names?
Matt. 5:22 Whosoever shall say Thou fool, shall be in danger of hellfire.
Matt. 23:17 (Jesus said) Ye fools and blind.

Has anyone seen God?
John 1:18 No man hath seen God at anytime. (Ex 33:20; Tim. 6:16; John 6:46; I John 4:12)
Gen. 32:30 For I have seen god face to face. (Ex. 33:11, 23; Is. 6:1; Job 42:5)

How many gods are there?
Deut. 6:4 The Lord or God is one Lord.
Gen. 1:26 And God said, let us make man in our image.(Gen. 3:22; I John 5:7)

Are we all sinners?
Rom. 3:23 For all have sinned. (Rom. 3:10; Psa.14;3)
Job 1:1 There was a man... whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright. (Gen. 7:1; Luke 1:5-6)

When was Jesus crucified?
Mark 15:22 and it was the third hour, and they crucified him.
John 19:14-15 And about the sixth hour: and he saith unto the Jews, Behold your King! But they cried out...crucify him!"

Oh yes, and:

"Then he (Jesus) strictly charged the disciples to tell no one that he was the Christ." Matthew 16:20

That is great.

I have read it before though.

There was another one that I read (can't remember the addy, but it was better), this guy was a devout Christian, but for some reason he renounced his faith, and had a website that not only ridiculed the contradtictions, but went further into the ridiculousness of the Bible's 'word'.

I say, each to their own - after all, some people need guidance in their lives (right or wrong guidance, is not for us to question - unless of course, those beliefs interfere with the general 'status quo'). I prefer to follow my own spirituality and good ol' common sense (cuh!, remember 'common sense'?), and basically adopt the rule of "as long as no one suffers from my actions, then play on".
It's when people try to ram their beliefs down my throat, that I get pissed off.

Oh, but isn't that what's happening in the world right now? :confused:

Whilst looking through the various sites, I noticed a distinct pattern of 'one against the other' - ie, Islamists pointing out the Bible's discrepancies, whilst Christians were defending their 'word', and having a little jab at Islam whilst they were at it lol

I think that it's all rather pathetic, really.
Kinda like a playground arguement, that has gotten entirely out of hand!
JMO