rap i wrote

Heres a little rap i wrote one day while i was bored in school. Its pretty dirty but i doubt any of you will care...so tell me what u guys think, i need some feedback


My wet dreams result in a wet bed
Cause I got thoughts in my head of you naked
I wanna slap the ass of that trailer park trash
Then blow my load in her trailer park ass
She got real real long bleach blonde hair
And it'll still feel wrong but I don't care
Cause I'll fuck her all day and fuck her all night
Then bust in her eye so she loses her sight
I'll fuck her on the couch then fuck her on the bed
Then open up her mouth and fuck her in the head
She'll be loose as a goose when I finish my duty
And when it's all said and done I'll fuck her in the booty

sounds like your standard bored stoner rap song

hmm...huh..... trailer trash eh?

as the others have said...it's just your typical stoned rap song.

If you really want some constructive criticism, try to be more creative with your approach. Try to use more metaphors and up your vocabulary a bit. Multi's would be a good incorporation as well. Also, the whole "I'm horny and want to decribe sexual encounters with a trailer trash whore" theme just doesn't appeal to me. Granted, there are some good sexual rap songs, but many of the appealing ones incorporate the use of creative components that capture people's attention. That's the goal you should go for.

Not trying to get ya down or anything, just trying to give you some good pointers to go on.

Sounds pretty much like all the rap I've ever listened to.

it wasn't supposed to be THAT good guys....i was bored one day in class and it all came off the top of my head pretty fast. Im not a rapper lol

it wasn't supposed to be THAT good...i just did this for fun off the top of my head one day in class....im no rapper...this was just supposed to be funny lol

well it was funnnyyyyy.....


"Cause I'll fuck her all day and fuck her all night
Then bust in her eye so she loses her sight"

heres a rap that i DIDNT write, but its still pretty cool
NINJA- violent J

Damn I wish I could be a Shogun Samurai
so I could swing a sword and make necks fly
I'd go to school and ninja-crawl
through tha halls
n' then I'd jump out n' stab bitches in the balls
cuz I remember these kids from tha playground
everybody'd hang around
we were all down
but then we grew up, n' everybody turned away
n' now they dissin' me, yellin', "fuck Nerdy-J"
I sit n' think at how it changed as I got olda'
as I think I draw a ninja on my folda
what I would do if I only had a ninja sword
you'd see blood start flingin' on tha chalkboard
I'd tell tha whole class, "nobody move a jiggle,
first one that do I'll make yer fuckin' neck wiggle."
everyone wold start jockin', tha news would take my picta'
DAMN I wish I could be a ninja

After I was done killin' all tha yuppie fucks
all tha poor kids would come n' swing from my nuts
and I would walk home feelin' like a Samurai
I'd walk in tha house, and see my momma cry
I's ask why
she'd point to my drunkin' pops
he tried ta hit her again, but that shit STOPS
I kick him in his throat, you hear his neck break
I throw a roundhose and knock his beard off his face
I tell him, "Dad, now look at all your broken glass,
why don'tcha pick it all-up n' stick it in yer ass."
I watch him do it, "Now hurry up ya take fo'eva'."
when he was done I'd squeeze his butt-cheeks togetha'
"Now get tha FUCK out my house, neva' come back!"
I throw a chinese star, stick him in his ass-crack (Ahhhh)
I turn to my mudda, "I'm sorry that he hit'cha!"
DAMN I wish I could be a ninja

If I could be a ninja, my daddy'd be dead
but I still gotta go ta work, n' pay tha rent
I flip frenchfries
for $2.25
Mr. Donny works here he's fuckin' 45
but he'd think he "da' shit" cuz he's da' boss
I guess he don't know that his life is a loss
I walk in....about 5 minutes late...
cuz I was tryin' ta clean tha blood off my ninja blade
so, Mr. Donny wanna try n' get up in my face
screamin' at me, sweatin' ova' this place
mad cuz I'm late, he's no betta' than me
just another bitch workin' for next ta' free
I thought him out, takin' money, just steal
n' cuttin' up his body, n' fry him on tha grill
but he's too fuckin' wack, n' I could kill dis bitch
n' I don't even need ta be a ninja

the raps pretty good, heres a link to it
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm...ndID=119038425

pretty funny, pretty good for something you just made up in class.

heres a rap that i DID write, sometime ago, just found it in a file labeled "grade A rhyme time" on my notepad
smokin weed
its all i need
i gotta feed
this hunger for the indo
that i grow
you all know,
ill fuck any ho
with my big toe
but i dont get diseased tho
shoot a po-po
when he try an steal the indo
that i grow
all day
everyday
lightin up a J
i go all the way
blaze an play
pass out aroun noon
while watchin loony toons
i blow the smoke ina balloon
suck it back in at school
an the teachers be like"can i get a hit of that?"
"naw! bitch! get your own sack"
i sell crack laced coca cola
and listen to the A1 yola
people call mine crack-a mola
get home and spark up a bowla
you might be a hater
but this is the end of my rhyme
so see yall later

heres some more

ima killa
for tha skrilla
guerrila warfare
i might nut in yo hair
slam yo skull in the wall
lock yo soul in a doll
i got mad skills
go for mad kills
but im not about dolla bills
now im in a courtroom
straight trippin from tha mushroom
judgey wudgey piggy pie
stick yo gut
kick yo eye
i dont die
ima wicked clown like that
flap my wings in tha d-town sky
like a vampire bat
stabbin fred
til he dead
blood drippin out from the cranium wound
and i like loony toons
im tryna say anything that rhymes
i do this on tha street fo nickels an dimes
cause this freaks wit yo head
and without you freaks would lick lead

ima rhyme
in my prime time
with a technine
steady doin crime
like a keylime
dont got a dime
what the fuck is thyme?
ima west coast ghost
sunday pig roast
this floats like boats
i can dance for thrice
spit fire an ice
ancient chinese secret makin wine from rice
cause im cool like obie trice

hey sweetie do all your av's involve humping?

a good deal of them do, do you want meh to change it? does it "offend" you? lol

ive nothing against humping

:thumbsup: humping is great exercise :thumbsup: plus i like the display of macabreity of skeletons doing it doggystyle

"She'll be loose as a goose when I finish my duty
And when it's all said and done I'll fuck her in the booty"

hahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaah
*breath*
hhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

twas good mate ....but yeah weve all done those little stoner raps heheheheheh i do mine at work.

here i am getting my cashflow,
earn it all then spend it on blow,
we roll up 1 we roll 2 for the show,
and i banged your mum cos shes a ho,
come ave a smoke get high bro,
puff puff pass before we go,



blah blah blah

thanks for the replies ppl..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lethal G

Granted, there are some good sexual rap songs, but many of the appealing ones incorporate the use of creative components that capture people's attention.

---

We fucked on the bed, fucked on the floor, fucked so long, I grew a fucking AFRO!

:rasta:

That was a terrible "rap", awful. You should be banished from writing your "creative" thoughts on paper ever again.