Getting over past loves...

Anyone here have any tips or tricks?

I've been 'stuck' on this one girl I dated in HS... We dated from 97' to 2000 and I havent seen her since Jan. of 2000... But I think of her every day. It was one of those 'love at first sight' things and we had a very passionate 2.5yrs together.

We kept in contact since the 15th of this September until I finally told her I couldnt keep this email thing going anymore... She told me she still was in love with me and thinks of me every day... *BUT* she thought it was over and didnt think there wasnt a chance we would get back together... So, she basically ran away and ended up pregnant and getting married... She feels an obligation to her son to have his real father in his life bla bla bla... Basically, she made the decision to stay with her husband...

Thing is I cant get over her. I go through gfs like girls go through toliet paper... And that isnt my personality. Sometimes I'll just break-up with a gf just on the spur of the moment or I'll break up over the most little of little things. I'm starting to get worried that I'll never let myself fall in love again or atleast get into a long-term relationship.


I was thinking getting hypnotized into forgetting about her completely... I dunno know though if that is even possible... I tried the whole dating other girls and hanging with my friends... It doesnt work... It's been 6 years now! Anyone here have any suggestions?

I know exactly how you feel. There's a girl who I have never completely gotten over. It's like everytime you talk to her, you both feel the love, despite all the pain you both went through. You have to accept the fact that these feelings won't ever go away. I spent years trying to forget about her, and I know it's the same with her. Even to this day, everytime we talk, there's an innuendo that will always suffice, an aura so powerful you succumb.

Trying to erase what can't be erased is impossible. It's okay to love her, but you have to accept the fact that life isn't fair, how events and decisions divide people from each other like a road that forks.

You want to love, don't let your selfish desires run your life. You can wish all you want, what could've been, but it won't change your outlook. Everyday is a new day, and life is so unpredictable, the next day, you could be dead.

Live life the way you wish to live it. That's all you can do. Don't let your problems run your life. When you live life the way you want too, you will fall in love again.

It's tough, I know exactly how you feel. It'll help if you don't try to talk to her often. Send her birthday wishes, and keep it at that. You gotta get over the addiction to those particular emotions. Good luck man.

Love is more addictive then any drug

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

I know exactly how you feel. There's a girl who I have never completely gotten over. It's like everytime you talk to her, you both feel the love, despite all the pain you both went through. You have to accept the fact that these feelings won't ever go away. I spent years trying to forget about her, and I know it's the same with her. Even to this day, everytime we talk, there's an innuendo that will always suffice, an aura so powerful you succumb.

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Man, that touches way to close to home... I honestly didnt think anyone else knew what it feels like... I mean people tell one another they 'love' each other all the time but most of the time it is 99% bullshit... Real love... It is something so much more then what the average couple tries to pass off as love.

But when you do find real love the only emotion more intense then being with that person is being without that person. Back in the day if we went more then 3 days without each other it was enough to drive us to do anything it took to see one another... Multiply that by 6 yrs and it feels so unbearable at times... I dont like the idea of this 'never going away'.

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

You want to love, don't let your selfish desires run your life. You can wish all you want, what could've been, but it won't change your outlook. Everyday is a new day, and life is so unpredictable, the next day, you could be dead.

Live life the way you wish to live it. That's all you can do. Don't let your problems run your life. When you live life the way you want too, you will fall in love again.

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I hear what you're saying, I just dont know how to make those steps to living the way I wish to live... All I wish is to live life with her. Without her, everything seems hollow... Girls, sex, money, my job... Everything means nothing to me.

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

It's tough, I know exactly how you feel. It'll help if you don't try to talk to her often. Send her birthday wishes, and keep it at that. You gotta get over the addiction to those particular emotions. Good luck man.

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Well, to my credit, I did tell her she would never be hearing from me again. She replied she promised never to email me again. I dont know if that will be enough though... I went a year before not talking to her and that didnt 'help' at all... I dont mean to sound like a pussy but this is really scaring the shit out of me.

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Originally Posted by Kwali

Love is more addictive then any drug

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Real love is not only more addictive it is so much more intense then not only any drug but anything period. If you lose it you are left with a void that just doesnt seem to be filled by anything else.

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Originally Posted by someuser

Man, that touches way to close to home... I honestly didnt think anyone else knew what it feels like... I mean people tell one another they 'love' each other all the time but most of the time it is 99% bullshit... Real love... It is something so much more then what the average couple tries to pass off as love.

But when you do find real love the only emotion more intense then being with that person is being without that person. Back in the day if we went more then 3 days without each other it was enough to drive us to do anything it took to see one another... Multiply that by 6 yrs and it feels so unbearable at times... I dont like the idea of this 'never going away'.

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That's love for you. When you experience it, something that makes you feel so complete, yet so painfully incomplete when you lose the source. You have to love and respect yourself to find peace. If you love her, you have to respect her path to happiness, no matter how it may result. You have to wish for her happiness, because she wishes for yours. I can't say what can make you happy, because we all are unique, each one of us is on our own path and only within do you know what you desire. However you gotta fight the yearns for her presence, because it'll only hold you back from acheiving happiness. Within you, you can create your own destiny, fighting back from the grasps this powerful addictive emotion that binds to your soul.

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Originally Posted by someuser

I hear what you're saying, I just dont know how to make those steps to living the way I wish to live... All I wish is to live life with her. Without her, everything seems hollow... Girls, sex, money, my job... Everything means nothing to me.

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Create a sense of purpose. What that may be, you have to find yourself. Ask yourself why you are doing the things you are doing. Do you truly enjoy the path you are on? What do you want to truly achieve in the greater outcome? When you find it is when everything else falls into place. Only experiencing something so powerful, can you exhibit a power to change your path. Life works in strange ways, perhaps you may eventually be together again, perhaps never again, but one thing is certain. If you don't achieve happiness on your own, you can never experience that same love again. With love so great, it never goes away.

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Originally Posted by someuser

Well, to my credit, I did tell her she would never be hearing from me again. She replied she promised never to email me again. I dont know if that will be enough though... I went a year before not talking to her and that didnt 'help' at all... I dont mean to sound like a pussy but this is really scaring the shit out of me.

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The one thing is you shouldn't close the door. With that comes acceptance of a life apart and pain from being apart. It does not mean you two can't be completely out of each others lives. You love each other after all, you wish each other the best. You have to struggle to accept the cards that have been dealt. You have to draw strength and fight man! You aren't a pussy to fear this. You gotta fight, you can't wallow and let it consume you, because what would you become? It ain't easy.

keep your chin up hun, this is probably the worst your gonna feel so things can only get better from here x

thcbongman, you have some pretty good insight for a guy 5yrs my junior ;) I'm impressed.


Sadly, I cannot think of any 'purpose' to interject in my life that would be so significant as to create enough 'energy' to change my path to one that would lead back to happiness. My only regret in life, besides losing her, is that I dropped out of college afterward... I have been toying with the idea of going back and finishing my degree but I cant think of anything I really want to do... I've been depressed for so long I just feel numb. Trying to think of long-term goals w/o her is like trying to do math while high... I just go blank :stoned:

I dunno man, you had a lot of good points and this subject is so... Challenging to think clearly on. I think I'm going to just stop here and reflect on it more.

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Originally Posted by rachel25

keep your chin up hun, this is probably the worst your gonna feel so things can only get better from here x

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You're right, I dont think one could feel worse... Problem is, I've been feeling this bad for 6yrs now... It is taking a serious toll on both my mental and physical health. Believe it or not, I am a tough cookie and I dealt with all this 'emotion' and 'anguish' for 6yrs without using drugs or alcohol until the last 3 months... Now I'm just losing it. Everything is falling apart as one can only 'stand still' in life so long before the walls start to close in.

Hey, Someuser. Sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I think it might be time to go talk to someone or seek some help, especially if the anguish over this young lady is affecting your ability to function and to move on with your life. Sounds to me like the drugs and alcohol you've said you've resorted to in recent months are just making the problem worse, and it's not likely to get better on its own. A few sessions with a good counselor or even possibly a hypnotherapist can't hurt.

The thing you've got to break is the pattern of obsessing about this young lady. She's made a choice in another direction that she's going to have to stick with. And you have to work hard at not reinforcing the obsessive thoughts about her by continuing to think them. Everytime you go through the process of thinking about her and tormenting yourself about her, you help reinforce and strengthen that pattern in your mind. So to break that cycle and feel better, you've got to consciously start thinking other thoughts. That's not always easy, but I guarantee that when you do you'll begin to feel better.

Take a class. Get some exercise. Volunteer to help people who are less fortunate. Get out and cultivate new friendships and relationships, whether they interest you or not. The distractions and new stimulation will be good for you. That's why some counseling will help, too, to help you see what you're doing and how you're reinforcing your own sadness. Do everything you can to make a conscious effort not to keep brooding and obsessing about her.

Dude, this is the kind of stuff i try not to think about. Because then I start thinking like... "well if only I did this, or that." It makes me mad and sad.

i find that when im high i find better words to say and im not afraid to express my true feelings

Get over it and say fuck it, thats what I do :p.

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

I know exactly how you feel. There's a girl who I have never completely gotten over. It's like everytime you talk to her, you both feel the love, despite all the pain you both went through. You have to accept the fact that these feelings won't ever go away. I spent years trying to forget about her, and I know it's the same with her. Even to this day, everytime we talk, there's an innuendo that will always suffice, an aura so powerful you succumb.

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that was beautiful, and it hurts so bad knowing that they hurt you, you feel empty without them, when you think about them, you think of the good times with them. but those good times make the pain so much worse because then you think about the "what if..." part of the relationship and you want to go back running into their arms and have them hold you like they once did. but then when you go back after all these years it can light up or life or shatter the light even more

If your fish dies...find another one.

It's a hard thing...no argument here. :(


I've found the best way is to focus on the aspects of your past lover that didn't sit right with you.

Example: My first real, hotter-than-the-sun romance was with a girl I went to high school with, but we didn't hook up until the summer of our freshman college year. Turned into a 3 year relationship with the 1st year being absolutely HEAVEN. I was flat-out stupid for this girl, but always pretty weirded out by her desire to sing at me. And by that, I mean we'd be partying or hanging out or whatever and she would just start humming then singing, like, in my ear. She had an OK voice but I'm sorry it was annoying and weird, and apart from her penchant to make funny noises when I was drilling her, probably the only thing about her that I looked at negatively. Can't complain about the latter cuz it involved me getting laid. ;)

Anyway, whenever I reminesce about the hot-headed days of yore and my first real love, I find the need to immediately focus on her damn wannabe Celion Dion routine in order to not feel completely depressed and detract from the wonderful relationship I currently enojoy.



my 0.02...

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Originally Posted by birdgirl73

I think it might be time to go talk to someone or seek some help, especially if the anguish over this young lady is affecting your ability to function and to move on with your life. Sounds to me like the drugs and alcohol you've said you've resorted to in recent months are just making the problem worse, and it's not likely to get better on its own. A few sessions with a good counselor or even possibly a hypnotherapist can't hurt.

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I tried counseling and that didnt work at all. I tried anti-depressants (several) and that didnt work. Weed and alcohol does work but unless I live life stoned and drunk I still have that idy bitty problem of when I'm sober ;)

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Originally Posted by birdgirl73

The thing you've got to break is the pattern of obsessing about this young lady. She's made a choice in another direction that she's going to have to stick with. And you have to work hard at not reinforcing the obsessive thoughts about her by continuing to think them. Everytime you go through the process of thinking about her and tormenting yourself about her, you help reinforce and strengthen that pattern in your mind. So to break that cycle and feel better, you've got to consciously start thinking other thoughts. That's not always easy, but I guarantee that when you do you'll begin to feel better.

Take a class. Get some exercise. Volunteer to help people who are less fortunate. Get out and cultivate new friendships and relationships, whether they interest you or not. The distractions and new stimulation will be good for you. That's why some counseling will help, too, to help you see what you're doing and how you're reinforcing your own sadness. Do everything you can to make a conscious effort not to keep brooding and obsessing about her.

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Good, sound advice birdgirl73 but like you said easier said then done :)

I have, however, been reevaluating my spiritual outlook on life... I was born a Catholic but I never felt comfortable with Christianity (way too many contradictions). I have always been interested in and drawn to Wicca and I've decided to really involve myself in learning more about it as a way to not only 'heighten' my spirituality but hopefully also find some peace.


Best I've been able to come up with...

Life is too short to worry about the things in the past. Life goes on. Love each day while living it to the fullest.

Sounds like a good approach, Someuser, certainly as good as many others. Maybe you'll find some spiritual sustenance there. I don't know much about Wiccans except that fundamentalist Christians don't approve of them, which makes them alright in my book. I know many Wiccans find a lot of peace in nature and embrace the natural world with great reverence. I like that.

As far as counseling's concerned, try and keep an open mind. Just because one counselor didn't work doesn't mean it's not without value, even someday perhaps for you. There are lots of different counselors and lots of different therapies, many very helpful. People need to want to do therapy in order for it to succeed, however, and many do not. Also, I think hypnosis is a very good tool for helping re-target unconscious patterns and thoughts, and it's very calming, too. Just keep these things in mind for the future when you might be ready for other tools.

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Originally Posted by BlueDevil

I've found the best way is to focus on the aspects of your past lover that didn't sit right with you..

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Zip, zero, natta. They say no one is perfect but she was perfect for me. I loved everything about her. The entire 2.5yrs with her I never once was tempted nor desired any other woman on any level... Even now, I cant find any girls that can come close to her.

She has the most beautiful thick long brown hair and deep brown eyes... Think Natalie Portman from Star Wars II when they were on Naboo with the waterfalls in the background... She had this heart of gold, loved kids, loved animals, she was just so... Pure. She honestly was angel like. And the nights together were just so intense... I never felt so close to someone. It was like heaven on earth. Her family was like a 2nd family to me and everyone treated me like family in return. I was an 'honorary' uncle to her niece... I mean I could go on and on but I can safely say, even after all these years, I cant find anything wrong with her... Even after all the pain I cant resent her at all. All I can do is feel empty inside; Lost. It's a feeling that is with me 24/7... I cant sleep, I cant keep a steady job down, I have no desire to hang out with friends or do the things I use to love... All I wanted to do for the last 6yrs was to die... I just have been too chicken shit.

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Originally Posted by birdgirl73

As far as counseling's concerned, try and keep an open mind. Just because one counselor didn't work doesn't mean it's not without value, even someday perhaps for you. There are lots of different counselors and lots of different therapies, many very helpful. People need to want to do therapy in order for it to succeed, however, and many do not. Also, I think hypnosis is a very good tool for helping re-target unconscious patterns and thoughts, and it's very calming, too. Just keep these things in mind for the future when you might be ready for other tools.

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I'll keep all that in mind birdgirl73... Especially the hypnosis :)

This post is definitley something of deep interest to me, for several reasons.

First off, I will say that I do know, to some extent, what you're going through. My story is similar to yours, too. I had a girl back in high school. We met soph. year and all the way up to the day we graduated, we became best friends and fell in love. Then she went off to college, got some prickhead boyfriend, and I haven't seen her in a year. Now I'm not beating myself up too bad like you seem to be, but rather look back at the good times we had, every now and then, and smile. I will admit I find myself daydreaming about her randomly, but it's not really that large a presence like your thoughts are. I would call it a subtle little reminder in the back of my head, making random appearances to either crack a smile or maybe cause me to cringe at 'what could have been'.

I would think that you need to seek some professional help because you have become deeply attatched to something that will never be. Instead of moving on, you're wallowing in your pain, only making things worse. From what it sounds like, it's also preventing you from moving on in nearly every aspect of your life, which is not healthy. Not to sound cruel, but it's like you're constantly feeling sorry for yourself versus picking yourself up and living life. Life might feel like it's passing you by, no? If you personally cannot work out these demons, don't feel shame, but instead seek the help of a professional, because otherwise it won't get better and eventually lead you down a path you probably hadn't intended on taking.

Please don't take any of my comments as negative; I'm just voicing what I have noticed after reading this for some time. But I can definitely relate to you as far as the pain goes. It's hard sometimes to think of life without her, or that you'll end up with someone else instead of her, if anyone at all. You just have to be a good friend, wish her the best, and get your life straightened out.

If you two are meant to be, your souls might reconnect years later. In the meantime, holding onto something that isn't there is no way to live life. It's no life at all, really.

It's like watching your favorite movie over and over again. Sure it's a GREAT movie, but after the credits roll, you get up off the couch, and life goes on. It doesn't make much sense to continue to watch that same movie while the world around you moves along, am I right? Memories are much like movies in that sense; they are great for making you smile or reminisce of old times, but to be stuck watching the same thing over and over is just painful, and no one should have to go through that.

Hopefully you can take something away from this, but if not, I wish you the best in all that your life has to offer. ~

"Remember the past, but look to the future"

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Originally Posted by someuser

Zip, zero, natta. They say no one is perfect but she was perfect for me. I loved everything about her. The entire 2.5yrs with her I never once was tempted nor desired any other woman on any level... Even now, I cant find any girls that can come close to her.

She has the most beautiful thick long brown hair and deep brown eyes... Think Natalie Portman from Star Wars II when they were on Naboo with the waterfalls in the background... She had this heart of gold, loved kids, loved animals, she was just so... Pure. She honestly was angel like. And the nights together were just so intense... I never felt so close to someone. It was like heaven on earth. Her family was like a 2nd family to me and everyone treated me like family in return. I was an 'honorary' uncle to her niece... I mean I could go on and on but I can safely say, even after all these years, I cant find anything wrong with her... Even after all the pain I cant resent her at all. All I can do is feel empty inside; Lost. It's a feeling that is with me 24/7... I cant sleep, I cant keep a steady job down, I have no desire to hang out with friends or do the things I use to love... All I wanted to do for the last 6yrs was to die... I just have been too chicken shit.

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Be glad you are a chicken shit. Dying is pointless and causes so much pain to those close to you. There is something better if you look and open your eyes. Life is continuous change. Even tho i'm 5 years younger, I been through birth, suffering and sickness, and lived quite an accelerated life. Time is short. Find your way to be full, exploring Wiccan can only bring positive things for you to find peace.

Have you ever thought about going travelling? it can work wonders believe me, it changed my outlook on life completely. I hope things get better for you, you sound really nice and it would be a tragedy for women everywhere if you just gave up. Chin up hun x x

right now i feal like crying over a girl that cheated on me atleast 3 known times actualy invloing sex... and i dont have any sudgetions for you right now...