Joke Time!

Time for some jokes i think, post your best! :)

Enjoy :cool:

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse were up at court for a divorce,

the judge asks Mickey...

"Is it true you are divorcing Minnie Mouse on the account she has bucked teeth?"

Mickey replies...



"No, i never said she had bucked teeth, i said she was fuckin goofy"

:D

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Police did a raid on Micheal Jacksons house looking for drugs...

in the kitchen they found some class A's

in the living room they found some class B's



in the bedroom they found class 5c

:p

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Fashion news:

the latest thing in childrens underwear...



Micheal Jackson!!

:)

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Whats Micheal jacksons favourite song?




The Darkness - "touching yooooooou, touching meeeeeeeeeEEeeeeeeee"

:dance:

what did one wall say to the other?


Lets meet at the corner.

lol not bad, made me snigger anyway :)

i know it doesnt compare to your jokes :p
okay let me try again
what happened to the peanut when it was walking down the street?
it got assaulted??

okay another peanut joke
how did the peanut die?

they ate his nuts? lol
okay you still win Wesley :thumbsup:

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.

"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."

The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.

"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.

"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."

"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."

Nobody says a word.

Apologies in advanced for people these offend.





Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."


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These 2 fags live together right....well neither are employed so one day one the fags comes home and says to his lover "hey i got a job i start tomorrow!" well anyways the next day the fag is getting ready to go to work and comes out of the shower to find his partner on the bed butt naked masturbating with a condom on....confused, he says "hey what are you doing i have to leave for work" to that he replies "well i am so happy you got yourself a job i figured the least i can do is pack your lunch for ya" =)



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(Prolly already heard this one)

What happenes when a Jew with a boner walks into a wall?

He breaks his nose.


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Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian kid in the face with a frying pan.


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Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

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Q: What is the most positive thing in harlem?
A: HIV


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Q: What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend?
A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

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Q. How do you know if a Chinese person robbs your house?
A. Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.


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Q: What do you call a fat chinese person?
A: A chunk.

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Q: How are fat bitches and Mo-peds the same?
A: They are both fun to ride, but you don't tell your friends about them.


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Q: How do you blindfold a chinese person?
A: Dental floss.

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Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.


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Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full

Q: Why do Jewish girls like to fuck doggy style?
A: They can't stand to see somebody else have a good time.


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Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: One stops sucking when you slap it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by crudemood

i know it doesnt compare to your jokes :p
okay let me try again
what happened to the peanut when it was walking down the street?
it got assaulted??

okay another peanut joke
how did the peanut die?

they ate his nuts? lol
okay you still win Wesley :thumbsup:

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lol i didnt realise it was a competition lol...

but the classics are still the best :)

"A guy walked into a bar............and it hurt"

-Beavis and Butt-Head This Book Sucks

:stoned:

I came up with this one on my own. :D

Why did the lonely man join the penis enlargement club?
































Because he felt a need to be long.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Oneironaut

I came up with this one on my own. :D

Why did the lonely man join the penis enlargement club?
































Because he felt a need to be long.

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lol that was actually pretty good :)

so Wesley Pipes and Oneironaut decide to move out west and become ranch hands.
one evening they were making thier last rounds, checking on the fenches to make sure everything is nice and secure. they come across a sheep with its head stuck between fence posts. Wesley Pipes see the sheep and thinks to himself 'damn, its real lonely out here..i havent gotten a good lay in at least a year. that sheep looks real temtping right about now'. so he unzips his pants and starts going at the poor sheep. well, he's having a great time and when he finishes, he turns to Oneironaut and says 'hey man, this is real good, you should have a turn'. so Oneironaut unzips his pants and sticks his head betweent he fence posts.

a guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a few layers of saran wrap. he says to the doctor 'doc, whats wrong with me?' and the doctor says 'well, clearly i can see your nuts'

what does a pirate with a wheel attached to his balls say? ''yarrrrr....its drives me nuts''

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BizzleLuvin

so Wesley Pipes and Oneironaut decide to move out west and become ranch hands.
one evening they were making thier last rounds, checking on the fenches to make sure everything is nice and secure. they come across a sheep with its head stuck between fence posts. Wesley Pipes see the sheep and thinks to himself 'damn, its real lonely out here..i havent gotten a good lay in at least a year. that sheep looks real temtping right about now'. so he unzips his pants and starts going at the poor sheep. well, he's having a great time and when he finishes, he turns to Oneironaut and says 'hey man, this is real good, you should have a turn'. so Oneironaut unzips his pants and sticks his head betweent he fence posts.

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Holy shit, who told you that? Wesley you bastard, I thought that was supposed to just be our little secret!

What's the deal with airline peanuts?

The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a "Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.

lmao... nice :thumbsup:

little johnny runs into the farmhouse where his mum and grandma are shelling peas. he yells 'mum! the bull's fucking the cow!'
grandma gasps and clutches her chest in horror. mum drags johnny outside by the scruff of thr neck and says, 'now listen here johnny, you can't go around saying rude words like that! you have to think up another word instead. how about the bull is 'surprising' the cow?' so little johnny is a bit confused, but he shrugs and runs off to play again.
five minutes later he runs back in again and shouts, 'mum! the bull is 'surprising' all of the cows now!' mum sighs and says to johnny, 'no, johnny. he can't be 'surprising' all the cows at once!'
'yes he is!' yells johnny 'he's 'surprising all the cows.... he's fucking the horse!'

why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?




to get air to the brain

whats the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?



you can negotiate with a terrorist

worried about his failing eyesight, a man goes to see an optician who oders him to stop masterbating.
'why? am i going blind?' he asks worriedly.'
'no, your eyesight is fine, but it upsets the other patients in the waiting room.'

How do you get a one arm stoner out of a tree?







WAVE!

Or throw him a joint... ;)

what did one blonde's leg say to the other?

nothing, they've never met.


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what do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?


run like hell, shes got a grenade in her mouth

whats the first sign of aids.............................................. ........the pounding sensation in your ass:rasta:

what do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?






they can both smell it, but can't eat it.

walking down an alleyway one night a policeman spots a tramp with his finger shoved up the arse of another tramp. 'what on earth do you two think you are doing?'
the tramp answers, 'my good friend here has drunk too much today and i am simply trying to help him sick it up'.
the concerned policeman said, 'sticking your fingers up his arse won't do much good'.
'obviously officer, but sticking them in his mouth afterwards should work a treat'.

is everyone out of jokes
here's a quick one

what's the difference between hard and light?



you can sleep with a light on.

A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he's going to be gone for several weeks.

The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but it's kind of expensive."

The man asks "is there's anything else?"

The clerk says "not that will for sure work."

So the man says "alright, what is it?"

"Well it's called voodoo dick. How it works is, you say voodoo dick, then say whatever part of your body you want it to fuck."

Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necissary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.

Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo dick. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said "voodoo dick my pussy".

Instantly the voodoo dick starts fucking her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She's driving there, the voodoo dick still fucking her and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.

He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the fuck are you doing?"

She explains about how her husband didn't want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo dick, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop.

When she finishes he laughs and says "voodoo dick my ass."


This boy just takes his girlfriend back to herhome after being out together,and when they reach the front door he leans withone hand on the wall and says to her,"Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!""Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I've already said NO, and NO!""Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!""My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at thedoor in nightgown with hairtotally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says."

Dad says either you have to blow him, I have toblow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob himself, but forGod's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his handoff the intercom!"


An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.

He's stark naked and has an erection.

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.'



After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?"

he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?"

demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by benagain

"A guy walked into a bar............and it hurt"

-Beavis and Butt-Head This Book Sucks

:stoned:

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Classic. But that really made me laugh.:p

omg on only get few of em..... english jokes are fuckin hard for me....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MaryjaneAndHashley

omg on only get few of em..... english jokes are fuckin hard for me....

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english humour is the best, jokes 1,2 and 4 were perfect


i hope you get this one

little johnny asks his mum 'where do babies come from?'

'the stork brings them johnny'

confused little johnny asks 'who fucks the stork then?'

why is it called PMS?

because mad cow disease was already taken

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by amsterdammed

english humour is the best, jokes 1,2 and 4 were perfect


i hope you get this one

little johnny asks his mum 'where do babies come from?'

'the stork brings them johnny'

confused little johnny asks 'who fucks the stork then?'

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haha yes i did even if i've never heard stork (i guess thats ''cigogne'')
...i learnt something today :dance: (lol)

>A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and
> noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore
> his collar that way.
>
> The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
> The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
>
> The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
> many."
> The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
> doesn't wear his collar that way."
>
> The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
> went back to reading his book.
>
> The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
> said: "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
> collar. "

A piece of string walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender looks up at him and says "We don't serve pieces of string in here. Get out!" The string, dismayed, leaves the bar. The piece of string really wants to get drunk, so he sits on the sidewalk for a while thinking of how he can get a drink at the bar, when he gets an idea. He frays himself up, ties himself into a knot, and goes back into the bar. The bartender glares at him and says "Hey! Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here just five minutes ago?" to which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

q: what did 50cent say to his grandma after she made him a sweater?
a: gee, you knit?

q: why couldnt g-unit get on the bus?
a: they didnt have 50cent

q: why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
a: for drizzle

What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his laundry?
Bleeyotch.

For those familiar with music theory, you may chuckle, may. And if you don't understand music, well skip this one:

One evening, a C, an Eb (said E flat, for those of you unused to notation), and
a G go into a bar. Bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E flat
leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the
fifth is diminished and G is out flat.

F comes in, tries to augment the situation but isn't sharp enough.

D comes in and heads straight for the bathroom saying, " Excuse me, I'll just be
a second."

Then A comes into the bar but the bartender isn't convinced that this relative
of C isn't a minor.

He notices a B flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out, you're
the 7th minor I've found here tonight."

The Eb, not easily deflated, comes back the next night in a 3 piece suit with
nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until
his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in. This
could be a major development."

Which proves to be the case, as the Eb takes off the suit and everything else,
and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The
C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a
minor, and sentenced to 10 years of da capo without coda at an upscale
correctional facility.

On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and
that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

what have blondes and cow shit got in common ?..............The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

What do you call a pregnant terrorist suicide bomber?............................A baby boomer.

Two snakes slithering thru the grass,when one turns to the other and says "are we venomous snakes man or what?" the other replies nah dude were pythons we choke our prey. " thank fuck for that i was worried i just bit my lip.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Oneironaut

A piece of string walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender looks up at him and says "We don't serve pieces of string in here. Get out!" The string, dismayed, leaves the bar. The piece of string really wants to get drunk, so he sits on the sidewalk for a while thinking of how he can get a drink at the bar, when he gets an idea. He frays himself up, ties himself into a knot, and goes back into the bar. The bartender glares at him and says "Hey! Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here just five minutes ago?" to which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

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This one makes me feel like killing myself.