Gonnabetoughashell

Res, I noticed you said you've "withdrawn yourself from society".. The older I get, even though i'm still only 17, the more I feel myself doing this too. I go out with some mates, or I go to a club/pub/bar/restaurant, and all everyone wants to do is get drunk and talk about TV and sports. If I try and talk about something even slightly taxing on the brain, then I get looks of disgust. lol

So the older (and, hopefully one day, more mature, ahem) I get, the more I feel myself wanting to be alone, where at least I can do what I want. I wont have to put up a facade, or get drunk all the time (ive given up alcohol), or show off by always trying to pull (though I havent given up sex, thank fuck for that lol) or talk about stuff that doesn't even interest me.. Hopefully, spending more time alone will help me find myself and realise my own ambitions.. and at the same time, I wont be among people smoking and drinking :)

I'll also get more time to write, which I've always found hard to do when i'm constantly going out with mates, watching TV so I can keep up with everyones mundane, repetitive conversations, and being hungover every weekend. Writing is what I love to do. I haven't written anything for a while, because i've found it difficult to relax, because of the reasons I just stated.. But, apart from music, writing is my one true passion, so I guess i'm doing this so that I don't keep putting it off until i'm old, fat and wondering where my life went, with half a dozen mediocre manuscripts in my desk draw that 'i'll get round to eventually' because 'hey, i'm only 45... there's still time yet'.

But, at the same time, giving up meat, alcohol, ciggies and most of my social life will be tough, but i'll be better off in the long run. So expect ahellofalot more posts from the GHoST :p (sorry dog420 lol)

I mentiond that I was reading a book to a couple of guy's at work and all I got was a "yeah" and a you sad bastard look.

And because I barely ever watch tv I spend a lot of time sitting through conversations with nothing to say (tv seems to be the only thing they ever talk about)

I end up balenceing thing's on my chin and stuff to get attention lol.

But take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself outherwise you'll end up living in misery;)

naw man, thats what im trying to say.. ive been living in misery for years.. even though ive always been popular and had alot of friends, ive never been happy or felt entirely comfortable around them, because liek i said, most of them do their best to uphold the name "yob culture" that this society has been given.. and i hate it.. time alone will do me good, trust me :)

and before anyone asks, no, i dont think im better than anyone.. not at all, i just feel that i dont quite fit in, due to the fact that i dont like to get drunk every weekend, chase girls, and engage in all the other testosterone fueled activites.. peace

Kudos, Ghost:). If you really love writing, i recomend you to read a lot too. I love writing. Gave up tv, meat, tobacco, chemical drugs and alcohol some years ago;).

And People doesnt get any better:rolleyes:. Isolation looks like the only way out. If youre Lucky enough youre gonna stumble with a couple of nice individuals to hang around with. But even the best of companies gets boring from time to time. If you got some mad good luck you can even manage to get in love (but i cant recommend that, ho well, if you do enjoy it :p).

Im gonna celebrate your expantion to the inner world tomorrow, ill smoke one fer ya. :D

thanks High phy :)

As for reading, I read alot! I only sleep a couple of hours a night, so when everyone else has gone to bed I read, read, read lol I go through 1-3 books a week, and I read anything, from Shakespeare to Harry Potter, from Stephen King to Edgar Allen Poe.. even if I dont enjoy it i'll still read it, because the more you read the better, and I like to see different styles or writing, too

As for falling in love, man I dunno, hopefully I wont 'fall in love' just yet, because everyone takes it for granted, falling in and out of love every couple of weeks.. when I fall in love I want it to be the real thing, not just some hyped up lust or infatuation

peace man, and thanks again :)

Cool beans, Ghost.

I think it's a part of growing up and also a sign of increasing maturity.

I do know what you're saying. Some people are happy living a pointless flatline life full of repetetive actions, like watching assloads of TV and spending rediculous amounts of money at bars and clubs and other meager shit like that.

The rest of us.. well we have to leave those people in the dust as we move ahead in life and reach towards our goals. It's good to hear that you are starting to focus more on yourself. It's a necessity, in order to be happy with who you are. I applaud you for that.

Hi Ghost..lol

The thing is, one can never totally exclude themselves from society - the implanted programming will not allow you - nor will the society in which you live. And it is a sad existence.

I am 35 years old, and during my life I have experienced a hell of alot of stuff - it is with this experience and knowledge of life that I have arrived at the conclusion that (although I am not alone in the way that I feel) I do not 'fit-in' to the protocol.
I agree with your sentiment about the 'drone mentality' exhibited by those around you, and I too become exhasperated by their level of 'closed-mindedness'. I think that I have become an 'intellect snob', and find it difficult to tolerate those people who cannot think outside of the box - or even see the sociopathic manipulation that they (and indeed the world) are being subjected to. Recent world-wide events typify the level of brain-washing that is going on. Or am I just being paranoid?

I look around me at the practices of Man, and wonder at our short-sightedness. I despair at the fact that the evidence of our global desecration is plain to see, and yet we choose to continue regardless, for the sake of making a buck. What about the future?
I cannot understand how one human being can willingly cause harm and distress to another human being. And yet, we only have to turn on our TV, to witness it on a world-wide scale - everyday.

Selfishness and greed has blinded us to the bigger picture, and soon, we shall suffer the consequences of our actions.

Basic rule of physics: Every action has a reaction. Cause and effect, if you like :)

As I say, my life has had many episodes, and my decision to exist in this world, rather than live in it, is based upon those experiences and my dwindling sufferance of what we have become.

Sorry, I am bitter, but I play the game on MY terms now (as much as I can).
I exist within 3 planes:
The first plane is actual reality - I need a job and other people to survive (cursed money! lol)
The second plane is immediate reality - family life and interaction with like-minded friends (like your good selves ;) )
The third plane is my reality - and this place can get pretty dark at times.

All I am saying, I guess, is that you have yet to experience a great many things - as we all have - and whilst your thinking exhibits insight, I would advise you to post-pone your exclusion from society for a while longer yet :)
Rather, keep in mind your observations and continue as you are - just be more aware of the subliminal programming, and turn that knowledge to your advantage, ie, don't allow yourself to be drawn into the drone-mentality and remain true to yourself.

As for pursuing a 'hobby' in writing - go for it!
I spent alot of my time writing stuff, especially when I was at my darkest - it helped me to understand myself, as well as the world around me. But NEVER let your darkness consume you lol

Here is an example of my darkness...

RES IS DEAD

Out of the darkness from whence I resided,
A difficult choice that I have decided,
Of pain that I have caused, and has been done unto me,
No more, I tell you, in this, my decree.

The path to enlightenment, which I thought had been clear,
Prophecy and destiny, theories I had held dear,
Have all turned to rot now, no more than a lie,
The will to continue is ready to die.

The sadness weighs heavy in my faintly beating heart,
No more of this world do I want to be a part,
The last of my days I will spend on my own,
Until Death comes to get me, and the exit be shown.

Do not mourn for me, people, nor pass a fleeting care,
I betrayed the very fabric of the morals I spoke clear,
My spirit is broken, and hope lost forever,
I was just very stupid, when I thought I was clever.

The pedestal that I stood upon lies in tiny little bits,
Smashed into insignificance by my own lack of wits,
How foolish I look now, atop this sorry pile of stone,
Just desserts, I guess, I deserve to be alone.

No longer shall I tarry, in this painful world of Man,
Nor waste any effort on my fruitless, future plan,
My time here is over, the pain so nearly done,
"Well done, 'Higher Being', you've very nearly won!"

I thought that I was part of a complicated plan,
Judged and overseen by a bearded holy man,
Thinking that my efforts would be an asset to my life,
That would somehow contribute to the easing of my strife.

The light almost past, and darkness growing deeper,
Arms outstretched, I embrace the Soul Keeper,
The chill of death feels welcome and complete,
As I succumb to my failings and defeat.

Back to the Darkness of sadness and pain,
The Res Spirit fades, never seen again,
No life flows through the vessel left instead,
There is no doubt, Res is truly dead.

lol...yep, I was pretty dark then...

Res...

Res, you have a wonderful turn of phrase
That poem is beautiful :cool:

Awww, thanks Lulu - you're too kind *blushes*

I feel a change in the wind.
must be because:

It is because you are rebelling against conformity, that you feel this way, Ghost.
I have been doing this for years, lol...

There seems to be an order of things - certainly in this society, anyways. This pattern of events is designed to keep us all in the loop. We believe that we have choice, when we do not. Our freedom only extends to the preset parameters that are implanted within us at such an early age.
Look at it like this:
I am so unamoured by humanity, that I would like to divorce myself from society completely. But to do that, I would have to give up everything that I know - friends, family, lifestlye, electricity, internet, etc, etc.... is that really an option? No, it is not.
Some of those things are what makes me happy.
So, I have to live my life in such a way that I can sustain the things that make me happy, whilst enduring the things that I hate doing. Your basic Yin-Yang senario, dude.

So, in the 'real' world, I become someone else (my true self locked deep inside me, away from harm) - I do my job, interact as I am supposed to, whilst remaining detattched enough to avoid becoming depressed at the whole situation lol. But once in a while, you'll meet someone who thinks as you do - and with discussion and understanding, we may find a way to exist harmoniously, rather than reclusively.

I used to believe in Destiny. I have been proven wrong.
I do, however, believe in Fate - She has been steering me ever closer to understanding why I feel this way, and to that end, I remain - hopefull that, one day, I will understand.

It's good to know that I am not alone - something that I am discovering more and more. I wouldn't have known this if I had completely opted-out of society ;)

As for falling in love...sometimes the addage 'it is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all', is totally inaccurate - believe

Geez, I sound like a right old paranoidal, miserable, dark bastard, don't I! lol

Anyways, always approach life with a modicum of humour and you'll survive lol - I have....so far...

Res...

wow lol

Thanks for the words Cleve, I appreciate it :)

Res, thanks.. I understood completely what you're saying. I don't think i'll completely withdraw myself from society, from my friends and family. That would be like suicide, without the death part :p But I do plan to limit my social interactions. The more I spend in the company of these people - some friends, some just acquaintances - the more down I feel myself becoming. I feel myself slipping, almost. Slipping into the monotony and shallowness of society - i'm certain I can physically feel my IQ dropping every time I go out binge drinking or listen to talk about Eastenders or Match Of The Day. But, i'm not arrogant. I understand that to completely detach myself from life will be completely counterproductive, only the strongest willed man could do that without cracking. My plan is just to limit myself, to allow myself sporadic doses of friends and my social life - enough to keep me sane and keep my friends as my friends, but only as much as I want. I think that's the only way I can clear my head, sort things out, and find out what I truely want from life.

Thanks again guys, I appreciate your kind words alot :)

And Res, 'you got sum skillz, boi!'

peace!

lol...skillz...now, there's a thing - thanks :)

I have had to do quite alot of soul-searching in my time, and the last few years have been somewhat 'interesting'. But you have to do it properly - a warts and all analysis of you and your life.

I made a list of all the things in my life that make me sad, angry, or depressed.
Then I looked at each problem to decide whether or not I could change or fix the problem. If I could fix it, then all well and good (ie, I wasn't earning enough money to survive, so I got a different job - I now earn enough to survive ...problem solved).
Of those things that were (are) beyond my power to fix, I would have to accept them until such a time that I could remedy the situation, or try to find a way to turn it to my advantage (somehow) - ie, I don't get as much access to my kids as I would like, so therefore when I do have them (which is most weekends, thankfully) I make sure that we have as good a time as we can. Maybe one day, they'll want to come and live with me, thus one less 'darkness'.

When one can identify a problem, then one can set about solving it.
You need to try to identify your anxieties, fears, hopes, and dreams - then start fixing them. You have a long road ahead of you, dude - I am 35, and I still can't identify all of my darkness, but I have solved a great many problems that have enabled me to live slightly happier recently (ie, the 3-levels of existence I described earlier).

Don't blame those around you for their inadequacies, rather, silently mock them for their sheep-like blindness - it's a cheap laugh, I know, but hey, we take what humour we can, init!
And who knows, maybe you'll be the one to open their eyes.

Res...

cheers Res :)

It's not so much that i'm unhappy, or depressed.. It's just that i'm not happy with my friends, or the friends I have at the moment anyway.. I've tried making different friends, i've done it a shit load of times, constantly changing my social group.. but so fae i've found that I just dont fit in, as much as they think I do.. i mean sure, some of them are sound people, but im just not into the same things as them ie getting drunk all the time, fighting or whatever, talkin about tv and keepin up with all the 'trends'.. i just see it as shallow and pointless right now.. so i just figure some time to myself will do me good

anyway, peace :)

lol yup, I know where your head is at, dude, been there many a time, and in some respects still am.

This may help :)
http://www.writing.com/main/books/en...74/action/view
Res...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by RESiNATE

lol yup, I know where your head is at, dude, been there many a time, and in some respects still am.

This may help :)
http://www.writing.com/main/books/en...74/action/view
Res...

---

thanks Res :) i'll take a look at that link when ive had some sleep.. right now it just looks like too much for me to read lol peace