cant get her out of my head

Ok, this is going to be a long one, because i have been holding all this crap up inside me with no one to tell it to, and i feel pretty anonymous here, so i figured to smoke the last of my precious weed and cry with you guys.

The story starts a little over 6 years ago - i answered a personal ad that was odd, quirky, funny. and i answered it in an odd, quirky way, so we immediately hit it off. after a long time of just telephone/email/messenger talking, we finally met up and got together.

This was my perfect girl. over the years, we broke up a few times, but i knew this was the one for me. she was pretty, the most beautiful girl ever, but very introverted, and extremely quiet and shy, except around me. i loved everything about her, we seemed perfect. at this point i should mention, i seem to be an extrovert, but i am actually very self conscious and unconfident, and i have never bared my soul to anyone like i did with her. before her, i was always depressed - i had had serious girlfriends, but nothing like this. i mean, it just felt different than anything else. i would have (and still would) give my life for hers, in an instant. she made me a better person, and made me want to better myself. i went back to school and got offered a decent job in a different city, so we moved there.

however, when we moved in together (this is about 4.5 years into our relationship) it just all changed. i mean, we were still in love, but she apparently had not wanted to move, and i felt wasnt really trying to help...she wouldnt (couldnt) get a job, so it was hard on me, and i became frustrated. arguments ocurred, feelings were hurt, and before a year was out, she left me. this was absolutely devastating to me, i had never considerd the option of being apart - were all the things she said just lies? i know they werent when she said them, but how could those feelings change so quick?

so now she is back together with her boyfriend she had before me - this guy apparently has been talking to her the whole time we were together, and the times when we broke up, it was always her saying she was "confused" about her feelings, and i guess now we know why.

but thats just the backstory...the real problem is my failure to cope with this. it was a year ago she left me. last thanksgiving, i went to her house because she wanted to see me, which i assumed was because she still loved me, but it just turned ugly, with her basically telling me to leave after i told her how much i still loved her. but then we were talking on the phone and messenger until christmas, and i saw her on christmas. christmas day, we basically had sex (i was only in her for a second, before she stopped me because she felt guilty because she was going out with this other guy, but she had no problem going down on me!). then as of Jan 1 of this year, she just stopped answering my calls and emails. wouldnt talk to me.

so now i sit here, going fucking nuts. i dream about her almost every night. her voice echoes in my head. i cant let her go, but i can never be with her again. beyond that, i dont feel like i can be with anyone ever again. i feel so ugly and ogrish. i feel ashamed for how things ended, and for other things. what i mean is, i did things with her sexually that i wouldnt feel comfortable doing with a person unless i knew i would be with them forever. i just feel disgusted with myself. i cant make these feelings stop...she fixed me. she made me feel like someone good, and i dont think i can ever feel that way again. i cant stop thinking of her, and its driving me insane. hours of my day are wasted staring at things and trying not to cry. im a 30 year old man, a manager, trying not to cry at work. ive never felt anything so gutwrenching or horrifying, and i cant make it stop, and i dont know what to do. i cant talk to anyone, im sort of antisocial so i dont really meet new people. i go to bars to try and mingle, but i prefer smoking over drinking so its hard to relate. im just lost and hopeless, and i dont even know if there is any valid advice, but it feels good to get a little of this off my chest. thanks.

Hi Rex ....

From what you have described, you clearly need to seek profesional help. You sound depressed and obsessed. This will only get worse .... possibly escalating to restraining orders and harassment charges.

Get help, there are professionals that can help you.

G'day mate its hard when breakups happen but you will get over it in time but right now you just need to a)do what you a doing which is speaking out no matter if were strangers at least its off your chest.I know your proberly thinking yeah yeah sure sure but it will but like i said in time,some time people get over it within a week and some its years in the end its up to the indiviual.:) :stoned:

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Originally Posted by DonnieDarko

Hi Rex ....

From what you have described, you clearly need to seek profesional help. You sound depressed and obsessed. This will only get worse .... possibly escalating to restraining orders and harassment charges.

Get help, there are professionals that can help you.

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I think you got some really good advice here. Depressed and obsessed were precisely the two words that came to my mind when I read your post, too. Definitely go talk to someone professional who can help. And learn to do some behavioral techniques so you can work on breaking the cycle of those obsessive thoughts. By continuing to obsess about that situation, you're simply reinforcing the obsession in your brain, which is why this situation won't easily go away on its own.

Hard as it may be to do, get out and exercise. Get into social situations where you can meet new friends, new ladies. Write in a journal or keep talking to others online. But don't spend all that discusssion time on this topic. Talk about other stuff. You can regain your balance, but it'll take work. Hope you feel better soon!

Hey my brother,

I see mistake after mistake you have been making on each paragraph I read.

I wont sugar coat anything and ill tell like it is.

Ill try and answer this later tonight cause you got a lot going on here.

nothing lasts

you were in love and she just wasnt into u as much as u are dude u should just get over it couse by how it went it wasnt really ment to be

she was on the fence and you were not...

I wud Learn to love yourself first!!!,,, before you try to love another...

Find a good hobby too and focus on it,an idle mind is the devils workshop... I don't think you are to the point that is assumed here,keep busy...

Aw, I really feel for you. I know from personal experience that relying on a significant other to "make you good" isn't healthy, and may have contributed to the fact that your relationship with her didn't last. You need self esteem on your own and I agree with other posters who suggest you seek professional help...I know that is a scary thing to do but you may have a chemical imbalance (from depression) and therapy along with medication could do you a world of good.

Also, from a female's persective and your account of the situation, it seems that this girl also has issues- if she needs to hop from one guy to another. She is probably not really in love with either of you but wants to fill some void as well. You seem to be in love with what you want her to be. In reality she was shady and basically creeped behind your back, was dishonest. You deserve better than that! We all do. You should stop making yourself available to her when she comes crawling back. And once you leave her alone and get over her, then she'll probably want you back and you'll have the control with a healthy mindset (if you seek therapy) to make the right decision. There are soo many people who are in or have been in your situation. Good luck!

What you described is what many men have gone through with women.

I can relate to everything your saying and Im sure most guys can. I resolved my self to a way of thinking about relationships when they are over some time ago.

My view about getting back together is that you can't go back. Because when you go back, you go back to a dirty slate. There is only now and the future. It doesnt work in Hollywood and with anyone else. What is done is done. If you go back:

1. She will get rid of you (again).
2. She hasn't changed.
3. She will hurt you some more.

You have given too much. Once you cross that point it cant be taken back.
There is no reason why she couldnt be the one obsessed with you and not the other way around from having done things differently.

Love is based on instinct not logic. You would think that if you bare your soul and tell her how much you love her that it would logically it would be reciprocated.

It doesnt work that way. I found this out 15 years ago doing what you have done.

What she wanted, based on instinct, was to be emotionally challenged in order to make that relationship move forward.

You did the opposite by telling her how much you love her. You inadvertantly caved in and spilled your guts. That is not what she needed from you. It is surely how you felt and I can understand that.

Contrary to thought openess with your negatives in a relationship does not build intimacy , it kills it. Be honest. But be very, very careful about openess and what you share. Save the negatives for your buddies or your dog and keep the positive side open for the girl. Too much negative soul bearing is a heavy emotion that women will want to get away from. Keep it light by sharing the positives.

In this process you have given away your most valuble male strengths that she needed from you the most.

CONFIDENCE, CHALLENGE AND SELF-CONTROL.

A man must have these things constantly, even the married man. Challenge applys both emotionally and sexually. Sexually you can not be the one who intiates sex 80-90 percent of the time like most men do. Doing this lowers your sexual value. She has to feel in these two ways that she has had to work for it.

Do you value a rolex watch if a bum on the street tries to sell it to you in a persistant manner, or do you value the watch more if you worked for the money, drove to the store, where its displayed under glass and fancy lights and a man in a suit lets you hold it momentarily, then taking it back while you decide.

The watch in both scenarios is the same exact watch. It has value because you had to work for it.

You have given up your sexual value in this process, or your availablity perception. Even a married man can project sexual value to women and create a perception in his wife without him crossing that line.

In a womans eyes if a man does not respect himself or you take her back when she pulls a no-no, she has disrespected you. If you dont call her on it on the spot or draw that imaginary line in the sand verbally or non-verbally she will do it again and again. Even the nicest, sweetest girls will test your self respect to find these boundaries.

She was testing your strengths. She needs something solid phsycologically to push up against and that means you have to have the fortitude to walk and mean it. She needed to see that you could live just fine without her early on.

You have to incorporate the word NO into your vocabulary especially with beautiful women who arent used to hearing it. They need to hear this more than anything. Say the word NO when you mean it. It shows you respect yourself.

No respect for self = no love. That is how women see it.

In order to inspire her you need to:

1. Respect yourself
2. honor and value yourself.
3. Love yourself.

All women will not, and are not obligated to feel these things for you- even one that has entered into a relationship with you.

She can only get from you what you got from you. Make sense?

You have to be complete and happy within yourself first and not rely on a woman to make you complete or be incomplete without her.

This is the quality of independence. It is one thing that attracts women and keeps them attracted along with the three traits listed. You want her emotionally dependent on you. Not you on her.

Otherwise the sense of "need" will repulse her and push her away. She will view this as "clinging" or being "hung-up". It turns her off and makes her feel obligated to your feelings.

A woman that was getting ready to leave me once said to me,

"Dont worry, youll find someone in the future"

What she was really needing, and I didnt realize at the time, was a sense of independence from me. It was an availability perception as well. This is how attraction and love works. I now know I could have turned that situation around.

Persistance is thinly disguised as desperation and pushiness just like the bum who tries to sell you the rolex watch.

Never over-pursue if your desire is to bring out the result you hope for. Remember the women that will be more sexually aggressive towards you will be the women that you pursue the least. Plain and simple. It will be that way till the end of time.

The idea that she is the "one"

If you possess any thought that she is made for you and only you, you are in trouble. If you believe in soul mates or you possess the thinking that she is the only one for you, hang it up now. You probably have already done some hard to reverse phsychology programming that puts you at a severe disadvantage. This is tough I know. But you can change this widely held philosophy that is anti-seductive.


On the other hand take a look at this.

If you are under the mindset that if this doesnt work out, then you will just find someone else, you are less likely to put up with nonsense and you are less likely to have moments of desperation, (M.O.D.).

Think of m.o.d. as a temporary disease state. You control this or you can let it control you.

Plus you are more likely to project a positive, sexy, self-assured attitude. The guy that has the ability to inspire women when he chooses to has 100 times more sexual value than the dreamy guy that thinks he found his lucky girl.

Some men will never admit that the things they do send the message of desperation. Most guys clear themselves of being desperate by comparing themselves to guys that act MORE desperate which creates the illusion they dont fall into this catagory.

For some guys acting desperate is a lifestyle, and for others its a single event.

I could list many things the average self-assured male does in a single event that instantly sends the message that he is desperate. It is more important to know the thinking process that leads to acting that way, it is the precursor to the behavior of silently acting that way, or moments of desperation. Bottom line. It turns her off.

This is why those feelings change so quick.

If she was "confused" what she needed was for you to walk, and be independent to make up her mind for her. This is where patience is key, an aspect of (self-control). Let her come to you.

Increase your sexual value and date several more women and send that message that you dont need her. If you were emotionally supportive, and she was emotionally dependent on you, and not the other way around and she sees that risk of loosing that to another woman, she will most likely pursue YOU.

Right now the only thing that bothers me is you saying that you are not confindent. Confidence is comprised of self-esteem. When your running negative script in your head the conscious mind can only deliver what the subconscious mind has told it. If you say this, it will be true and reflect in your body language.

Never, ever tell yourself you are not confident. Period. That is your right.

If any thought of desperation, or thought of not being confident comes into your head, you immediatly red tag it and get rid of it.

I dont care if you have to act it, fake it or grow it. Thats an order!
So get your chin up, pull your shoulders back, standup straight, look forward, walk slightly fast, dress well and have a can-do atttitude.

Its time to let her go. I have been there. All guys have been there. So dont think that your the only one on the planet that this has happen to.

Start dating again as soon as possible. Keep all this in the past and dont share any negatives about any of this with the new girl. Clean slate.

Just learn from the mistakes made.

Take care.

^^^^
great read :D

thanks ganjasaurus, a lot of what you say makes sense.

to all the people suggesting therapy....jesus, im not sitting outside her house with binoculars waiting for her to leave so i can steal her pair of panties. am i obsessed with her? probably, but i dare any of you to absolutely give everything you have to someone for 5 years, then just say "oh well, that didnt work...lets try again!" which is why i titled this post "cant get her out of my head".

there is a ton to the story that i left out (obviously) that makes it a little different...for example, she was the one obsessed with me. she needed to be around me every hour of every day, needed my constant reassurance, constantly needed me to tell her i love, and i did all those things. in return, she made me feel good. it feels good to have someone accept you and love you does it not?

i dont think she "was on the fence", i mean i KNOW this chick was head over heels for me. she had problems too, but what im saying is i compounded those problems so much that it became unworkable. and i blame myself for a lot of that! and like ganjasaurus said, you cant just "go back" because its a dirty slate, you can never "just forgive and forget", its always there.

ganjasaurs, as you say with the respect issue, i completely agree there - when i was with her, chicks were always digging me, thats because i was self-confident, and (i think the big secret) i really didnt want to have sex with them...i was with someone. women sense when you dont want them and that makes them want you for some reason. and additionally, the respect for myself was a major reason for the arguments - i basically told her she was out of line and needed to shape up, and instead, after a while she decided to just ship out. which i was fine with, for a little while, until i started to talk to other girls, and realized that (women dont get me wrong, i am NOT a male chauvinist) 98% of women are materialistic, less intelligent than me, uninteresting, or they are crazier than me or into heavier drugs than i am. thats why i miss her so damn much, so was right on my wavelength, that not many people are. ganjasaurus said i may have been too open...i dont agree with that. i would prefer to tell me lover anything and everything over my dog or my best friend. i dont make love to my dog or my best friend.

as far as other girls, ive had some other short relationships since her, and they are just unsatisfying...i found this one girl more attractive than my ex, and i ended up fucking her and being completely turned off, when she said "cum in me daddy!" i was like "we're done here" lol Lo Pan said it best "There have been others, to be sure, but you seem to be one who would know of the difficulties between men and women." : )

And another thing: how can people be so blase about love and relationships, and sex even? maybe im just old fashioned, but i believe that if you are going to have sex with someone, its the ultimate gift you give them...its a part of yourself, of your essence, so its not something to be played with (like i see every weekend at the meat market bars, these people are disgusting, and i dont want to be with someone that 2 weeks ago i saw grinding on 5 different guys).

my first serious girlfriend, from when i was 18-21, i still love that girl with all my heart, and think about her from time to time. i mean, does that mean im obsessed with her? i havent talked to her in goddamn near a decade since i dumped her, but i still love her...i mean i wouldnt get back with her if she called, but i gave myself to her for a long time. make sense?

maybe that just why im different.

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Originally Posted by narcoticrex

thanks ganjasaurus, a lot of what you say makes sense.

to all the people suggesting therapy....jesus, im not sitting outside her house with binoculars waiting for her to leave so i can steal her pair of panties. am i obsessed with her? probably, but i dare any of you to absolutely give everything you have to someone for 5 years, then just say "oh well, that didnt work...lets try again!" which is why i titled this post "cant get her out of my head".

there is a ton to the story that i left out (obviously) that makes it a little different...for example, she was the one obsessed with me. she needed to be around me every hour of every day, needed my constant reassurance, constantly needed me to tell her i love, and i did all those things. in return, she made me feel good. it feels good to have someone accept you and love you does it not?

i dont think she "was on the fence", i mean i KNOW this chick was head over heels for me. she had problems too, but what im saying is i compounded those problems so much that it became unworkable. and i blame myself for a lot of that! and like ganjasaurus said, you cant just "go back" because its a dirty slate, you can never "just forgive and forget", its always there.

ganjasaurs, as you say with the respect issue, i completely agree there - when i was with her, chicks were always digging me, thats because i was self-confident, and (i think the big secret) i really didnt want to have sex with them...i was with someone. women sense when you dont want them and that makes them want you for some reason. and additionally, the respect for myself was a major reason for the arguments - i basically told her she was out of line and needed to shape up, and instead, after a while she decided to just ship out. which i was fine with, for a little while, until i started to talk to other girls, and realized that (women dont get me wrong, i am NOT a male chauvinist) 98% of women are materialistic, less intelligent than me, uninteresting, or they are crazier than me or into heavier drugs than i am. thats why i miss her so damn much, so was right on my wavelength, that not many people are. ganjasaurus said i may have been too open...i dont agree with that. i would prefer to tell me lover anything and everything over my dog or my best friend. i dont make love to my dog or my best friend.

as far as other girls, ive had some other short relationships since her, and they are just unsatisfying...i found this one girl more attractive than my ex, and i ended up fucking her and being completely turned off, when she said "cum in me daddy!" i was like "we're done here" lol Lo Pan said it best "There have been others, to be sure, but you seem to be one who would know of the difficulties between men and women." : )

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I understand that you were in a relationship for 6 years and I thought about that. Obviously there was a whole lot there that cant be written in a 20 minute blog.

If I could just clear one thing up concerning the "share the negatives with your buddies or your dog"

This is not to say you did this. But this is a common mistake and thats why I threw it out there using a metaphor like I did.

My grandmother had a saying.


"If you turn your lover into your phsycologist she will love you like a mother and not a lover".


There is alot of wisdom in that.


This is a prime example of one of the reasons a woman will not want to have sex with her man anymore and lose interest in him altogether.

Ive seen this happen so many times when guys use their women as emotional one-way gas stations. Yet they dont have a clue about how to be emotionally supportive themselves.

Once again Im not saying you did this, only to say its a common mistake men make to constantly unload on the woman. She will get tired of it.

Of course you are going to go through the good and the bad together. I understand, and understand that is part of intimacy.

Me personally, if things are going shitty at work or something, I just need a little time by myself to mull things over and then I am ready to relate again, as opposed to laying that on her. Its that trivial b.s. that I am talking about.


If that just means going on a hike with my dog. Thats all I need.
Im sure most guys can relate to just being alone for a spell to work it out themselves. We always come back to our center.

For a woman its different. She definently needs the emotional support of a man. That is one of the most important things you have to offer. She cant just mull things over alone like a man. It has to be talked out. Then she will feel understood if you have taken time to be a good reflective listener and not a her problem solver.


Just thought Id clarify what I meant by that. Sometimes a phrase may be taken the wrong way. I didnt mean literally to go have a relationship with your buddies or your dog.:eek:


Have a good one.

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Originally Posted by Ganjasaurusrex

My grandmother had a saying.
"If you turn your lover into your psychologist she will love you like a mother and not a lover".
There is alot of wisdom in that. This is a prime example of one of the reasons a woman will not want to have sex with her man anymore and lose interest in him altogether.

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Your grandmother was definitely right about this one. It's not easy to feel passionate about someone when you spend half your time tending to their problems and cleaning up after them.

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Originally Posted by ganjasaurusrex

My grandmother had a saying.
"If you turn your lover into your psychologist she will love you like a mother and not a lover".
There is alot of wisdom in that. This is a prime example of one of the reasons a woman will not want to have sex with her man anymore and lose interest in him altogether.]

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Originally Posted by psychopixi

Your grandmother was definitely right about this one. It's not easy to feel passionate about someone when you spend half your time tending to their problems and cleaning up after them.

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see, i feel completely opposite of that...if i cant open up to someone, i dont want to make love to her, she HAS to know where im coming from for me to be attracted to her. i guess i am crazy.

it seems to me like women are always bitching that they cant find a guy that is truthful, open and honest with them...and yet they continue to go after the assholes : ) gotta love it, the rules are set in opposition.

hey bro,
my ex wife left me. at first I was lost but then I decided to think positive about myself. That is important. I decided to start doing things I wasnt able to when I was married. I decided to have fun. I dated a few girls here and there. Hey even if you dont love the girl your dating you still have needs right? The right girl may come along for you. My feelings for my ex eventually passed
now I feel nothing for her :-)
but most important dont drink just smoke :-) it gives you a different perspective on things while alcohol can make you a sad drunk