Ok, this is going to be a long one, because i have been holding all this crap up inside me with no one to tell it to, and i feel pretty anonymous here, so i figured to smoke the last of my precious weed and cry with you guys.

The story starts a little over 6 years ago - i answered a personal ad that was odd, quirky, funny. and i answered it in an odd, quirky way, so we immediately hit it off. after a long time of just telephone/email/messenger talking, we finally met up and got together.

This was my perfect girl. over the years, we broke up a few times, but i knew this was the one for me. she was pretty, the most beautiful girl ever, but very introverted, and extremely quiet and shy, except around me. i loved everything about her, we seemed perfect. at this point i should mention, i seem to be an extrovert, but i am actually very self conscious and unconfident, and i have never bared my soul to anyone like i did with her. before her, i was always depressed - i had had serious girlfriends, but nothing like this. i mean, it just felt different than anything else. i would have (and still would) give my life for hers, in an instant. she made me a better person, and made me want to better myself. i went back to school and got offered a decent job in a different city, so we moved there.

however, when we moved in together (this is about 4.5 years into our relationship) it just all changed. i mean, we were still in love, but she apparently had not wanted to move, and i felt wasnt really trying to help...she wouldnt (couldnt) get a job, so it was hard on me, and i became frustrated. arguments ocurred, feelings were hurt, and before a year was out, she left me. this was absolutely devastating to me, i had never considerd the option of being apart - were all the things she said just lies? i know they werent when she said them, but how could those feelings change so quick?

so now she is back together with her boyfriend she had before me - this guy apparently has been talking to her the whole time we were together, and the times when we broke up, it was always her saying she was "confused" about her feelings, and i guess now we know why.

but thats just the backstory...the real problem is my failure to cope with this. it was a year ago she left me. last thanksgiving, i went to her house because she wanted to see me, which i assumed was because she still loved me, but it just turned ugly, with her basically telling me to leave after i told her how much i still loved her. but then we were talking on the phone and messenger until christmas, and i saw her on christmas. christmas day, we basically had sex (i was only in her for a second, before she stopped me because she felt guilty because she was going out with this other guy, but she had no problem going down on me!). then as of Jan 1 of this year, she just stopped answering my calls and emails. wouldnt talk to me.

so now i sit here, going fucking nuts. i dream about her almost every night. her voice echoes in my head. i cant let her go, but i can never be with her again. beyond that, i dont feel like i can be with anyone ever again. i feel so ugly and ogrish. i feel ashamed for how things ended, and for other things. what i mean is, i did things with her sexually that i wouldnt feel comfortable doing with a person unless i knew i would be with them forever. i just feel disgusted with myself. i cant make these feelings stop...she fixed me. she made me feel like someone good, and i dont think i can ever feel that way again. i cant stop thinking of her, and its driving me insane. hours of my day are wasted staring at things and trying not to cry. im a 30 year old man, a manager, trying not to cry at work. ive never felt anything so gutwrenching or horrifying, and i cant make it stop, and i dont know what to do. i cant talk to anyone, im sort of antisocial so i dont really meet new people. i go to bars to try and mingle, but i prefer smoking over drinking so its hard to relate. im just lost and hopeless, and i dont even know if there is any valid advice, but it feels good to get a little of this off my chest. thanks.
narcoticrex Reviewed by narcoticrex on . cant get her out of my head Ok, this is going to be a long one, because i have been holding all this crap up inside me with no one to tell it to, and i feel pretty anonymous here, so i figured to smoke the last of my precious weed and cry with you guys. The story starts a little over 6 years ago - i answered a personal ad that was odd, quirky, funny. and i answered it in an odd, quirky way, so we immediately hit it off. after a long time of just telephone/email/messenger talking, we finally met up and got together. Rating: 5