I seriously need some advice
When my best friend went into a relationship with this girl, her and I hit it off rigth away. It's usually very hard for me to connect with people, yet I connected perfectly with her in every possible way, always feeling comfortable around her. Over the past couple years we became very good friends, and a mutual attraction to each other grew. We never did anything because neither of us would betray my friend/her bf, but the attraction is still there.
In the last few months I kept arguing with myself, trying to talk myself out of it, but I couldn't deny it any longer, I'm completely in love with her. She's perfect in every way for me and I just want to be with her so bad. I don't know how strong her feelings are about me, but she's at least said and indicated an attraction to me several times. She even said once if my friend ever left her I'd be next in line.
Now my friend has lost interest in her, yet seems to be stringing her along. He says he's not attracted to her anymore, doesn't want to have sex with her and only does it to satisfy her needs, and I'm starting to think he doesn't even respect her anymore. He constantly talks about girls from his past he wants to hook up with, and always goes on about this british medical student he wants to marry one day. He doesn't seem to respect or care for her at all, and it tears me up because I care for her more than anything in the world. I would appreciate her and treat her SO much better than him, but he won't just end the relationship, and she won't because she's still very much in love with him.
I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to tell her all the disloyal things he's been saying, and tell her I would treat her so much better, but then I'm betraying my best friend. He truly has been my closest friend for 12 years, I could never do anything to betray him. But staying silent is just killing me, knowing that he doesn't care at all about her but won't leave her or tell her the truth. What should I do? What can I do? I've never felt so confused and torn.
I seriously need some advice
Does he have any idea of this attraction between you and his girl? Kinda start hinting around about his girl being cool and stuff. Say stuff like you need to find somebody like her. When he brings up the issue of hooking up with another girl, kinda jokingly tell him to go for another girl and let you have his current girl. See how he responds and gradually get more serious about it. There's tons of advice out ther for this situation. That's just my :twocents:
I seriously need some advice
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Originally Posted by Gandalf_The_Grey
She even said once if my friend ever left her I'd be next in line.
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Originally Posted by Gandalf_The_Grey
She won't because she's still very much in love with him.
Those two lines stood out to me. Would you be satisfied with being second best, seeing that your best friend said it was cool? How would he react? Bros before hoes hon, even if the love is true.. I think if you really care about her, you'll figure out a way to get your best friend to end the relationship with her..so she stops being hurt and then play it by ear from there. I wouldn't break up the two with the intention of dating her though. I'll hopefully think of something more helpful tomorrow morning..as it's almost 3 a.m and I'm kinda buzzed. <3
I seriously need some advice
Talk to your friend about it, you might be suprised, he might take it pretty well. I had a friend come talk to me about hooking up with an ex I had recently broken up with once. And although I was kinda taken back by it, after talking about it and seeing he truly did care about her, I was cool with it. If you explain the attraction in a way thats not like your trying to jump in, perhaps he'll end the relationship and after a bit of time you and the girl will hook up.
I seriously need some advice
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Does he have any idea of this attraction between you and his girl?
Actually I suspect he does. At least he knows she's attracted to me, I haven't indicated anything in front of him.
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Kinda start hinting around about his girl being cool and stuff. Say stuff like you need to find somebody like her. When he brings up the issue of hooking up with another girl, kinda jokingly tell him to go for another girl and let you have his current girl. See how he responds and gradually get more serious about it. There's tons of advice out ther for this situation.
That's actually some damn good advice bro, much appreciated. It'll be hard to figure out exactly how to do that, but I think I could figure something out.
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Originally Posted by BabyFacedAbortion
Those two lines stood out to me. Would you be satisfied with being second best, seeing that your best friend said it was cool?
Hmmmm, I wouldn't say I'm "second best" in her eyes, she just met him a while before me and fell totally in love with him. Now he doesn't seem to give two shits about her, while I want to do nothing but give her hapiness.
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How would he react?
Good question, it's hard to say. I think he'd be cool with me dating her after they broke up, but it's like he's going to string her along forever, I suspect he's been doing so for months the way he's been talking since last January.
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Bros before hoes hon, even if the love is true..
You're absolutely right, that's why I won't betray him and screw around with her (well at least attempt to). I love the guy like a brother, we're pretty much family, but even family can really piss you off at times.
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I think if you really care about her, you'll figure out a way to get your best friend to end the relationship with her..so she stops being hurt and then play it by ear from there. I wouldn't break up the two with the intention of dating her though. I'll hopefully think of something more helpful tomorrow morning..as it's almost 3 a.m and I'm kinda buzzed. <3
Yeah I agree, I've never tried to break them up, especially not for my own gain. I'd feel like such a bastard. But on the flip side, I feel like a bastard knowing he's screwing her around and not saying anything. The way he talks, I'm about 95% sure he'd sleep with another girl if the opportunity came along.
I seriously need some advice
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Originally Posted by ghosty
Talk to your friend about it, you might be suprised, he might take it pretty well. I had a friend come talk to me about hooking up with an ex I had recently broken up with once. And although I was kinda taken back by it, after talking about it and seeing he truly did care about her, I was cool with it. If you explain the attraction in a way thats not like your trying to jump in, perhaps he'll end the relationship and after a bit of time you and the girl will hook up.
Yeah.... maybe. Honestly I'm just scared to say that and risk pissing him off majorly.
I seriously need some advice
If anything, tell him you're tired of hearing/seeing him drag her along and it's making you pissed.
I seriously need some advice
I never thought I would live to see the day when Gandalf asked others for advice. You're a wizard dammit!
I seriously need some advice
BROS B4 HOES............
GOT IT, GET IT, GOOD, LEARN THAT SHIT...........
There's millions of girls out there, is it really worth destroying your 12 yr friendship, over pussy, when there's pussy pretty much everywhere you look.........Get real man, for the thought to even rat your friend to his girl that you think he doesn't care about her disgusts me........but you did say you could never betray him so that's good, so dont, because at the end of the day he aint gonna hand over his girl to you, and your gonna lose a friend, and you might very well have to fight because of it, and fighting over girls is the dumbest shit in the world to do..........
I seriously need some advice
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Originally Posted by couch-potato
I never thought I would live to see the day when Gandalf asked others for advice. You're a wizard dammit!
LOL, I actually considered writing "(even wizards need advice sometimes)" in the title but thought better of it. Guess I was wrong.
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There's millions of girls out there, is it really worth destroying your 12 yr friendship, over pussy, when there's pussy pretty much everywhere you look.........Get real man, for the thought to even rat your friend to his girl that you think he doesn't care about her disgusts me........but you did say you could never betray him so that's good, so dont, because at the end of the day he aint gonna hand over his girl to you, and your gonna lose a friend, and you might very well have to fight because of it, and fighting over girls is the dumbest shit in the world to do..........
Dude I don't think you really get the picture. This isn't about "bros and pussy", this is about one really good friend and another really good friend. She's not "pussy" I'm chasing, the sexual aspect is not what's driving me whatsoever; I respect and care about her massively as a person because she's intelligent, kind, and understands me and communicates with me perfectly.
I've seriously never even been in a relationship because I hate socializing as is, and for some reason I just seem to be missing the "pick up gene" that other guys seem to possess; you know, that instinct on how to pick up girls.
But I couldn't be attracted to somebody who's stupid or shallow no matter how hot they were, I want to be with her because personality wise, she's perfect. I need an intellectual equal, not "pussy" as you put it.
I seriously need some advice
Thanks for setting that straight, Gandalf. I was going to have to do that if you hadn't. Spliffstar, your response not only missed the mark, it was disrespectful to both the young lady Gandalf is talking about and to women in general.
Gandalf, I'd hope you can encourage your friend to do the right thing and make the break our of respect for the young lady--and then to help support her through that break and help her see that she deserves to be treated better. During that process, you'll be the one there treating her better, of course. The fact that you have found someone with whom you have chemistry makes me feel very optimistic. I know this is what you've been needing!
I seriously need some advice
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Originally Posted by birdgirl73
Thanks for setting that straight, Gandalf. I was going to have to do that if you hadn't. Spliffstar, your response not only missed the mark, it was disrespectful to both the young lady Gandalf is talking about and to women in general.
Gandalf, I'd hope you can encourage your friend to do the right thing and make the break our of respect for the young lady--and then to help support her through that break and help her see that she deserves to be treated better. During that process, you'll be the one there treating her better, of course. The fact that you have found someone with whom you have chemistry makes me feel very optimistic. I know this is what you've been needing!
Thankyou birdgirl, it's nice at least you understand the situation :) . I will comfort her and such when it does finally happen, but I won't be making any moves until I know she's come to grips with everything. I want it to be real, not picking her up on the rebound.
And thanks to everybody else for their advice, you've all given me much to think about. Any other advice is of course welcome.
I seriously need some advice
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Originally Posted by birdgirl73
Spliffstar, your response not only missed the mark
by a mile.
Grey. Love's a strong thing. But in my opinion, friendship's stronger. Good friends are as rare as gold. And like spliffstar failed at pointing out, women come and go. You might think this girl is the one you will marry. And If that's the case, you'll eventually be with her. I'm just putting myself in your shoes.
I would tell your very good friend the situation. You mentioned that he really doesn't take the relationship serious. I would be respectful but foward. And I'd also be understanding. Yes, the cards would be on the table but any other alternative would cut your friend out and that, my friend, is something you might regret if this girl turns out to be "a mistake"
I seriously need some advice
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Originally Posted by Spoken Word
Grey. Love's a strong thing. But in my opinion, friendship's stronger. Good friends are as rare as gold. And like spliffstar failed at pointing out, women come and go. You might think this girl is the one you will marry. And If that's the case, you'll eventually be with her. I'm just putting myself in your shoes.
You've got that right! Love is an incredibly strong thing, and at the risk of being a huge nerd, I see why the Vulcans consider it a mental disease LOL.
You're right that friendship is very strong, maybe stronger, but then my friendship with this girl about just as strong. I cared about her a lot, as a friend, for a couple 2 years before falling for her. Of course the friendship with my bro is just as important and maybe more, in a unique way. We're more like brothers at this point, and oddly enough we both have the same last names lol.
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I would tell your very good friend the situation. You mentioned that he really doesn't take the relationship serious. I would be respectful but foward. And I'd also be understanding. Yes, the cards would be on the table but any other alternative would cut your friend out and that, my friend, is something you might regret if this girl turns out to be "a mistake"
You know you're right, most people who posted in this thread are right. He is my best friend and I think he'd understand, but I think I'll bring it up with him when he's more serious about ending it. In the meantime though, I think I'll suggest that he does end it. Not just for my benefit, I think I'd suggest it no matter what the circumstances, he's just not handling it very well.
I seriously need some advice
GtG you said you have never been in a serious relationship before and you have a hard time socializing. Are you sure you are reading the signs the girl is giving off right? I know she said you would be next in line but did she really mean it? Just something to think about.
You really need to stop waiting for their break up and find another girl for now. What kind of relationships have you been in? Time waits for no one so don't wait around forever.
Do you watch Seinfeld much? This reminds of the roommate swap episode where Jerry wanted to drop one girl for her roommate. Don't use George and Jerry's plan though on this one but I thought I would just try to inject some humor here!
I seriously need some advice
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Originally Posted by FakeBoobsRule
GtG you said you have never been in a serious relationship before and you have a hard time socializing. Are you sure you are reading the signs the girl is giving off right? I know she said you would be next in line but did she really mean it? Just something to think about.
I've gotten much better at socializing ever since an Exciting event a few months back that I only did once, it's like it just opened my eyes and made me understand. Right now my lack of socializing is more the result of chronic pain, and not having established a network when I was younger. And actually I've never been in any relationship, or even had a kiss or anything. Such is the sad life I live.
But I know she is attracted to me. It's not just the (frequent) subtle signs, she told me she had a crush on me when we got drunk, and she's made comments about my physical attractiveness many times. Which is damn surprising and nice because I thought I was totally unattractive!
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You really need to stop waiting for their break up and find another girl for now. What kind of relationships have you been in? Time waits for no one so don't wait around forever.
As in the above paragraph, never even kissed a girl. I know that's pretty pathetic since I'm 22. I really dont' want to get into a relationship with someone else right now, she's more than worth the wait.
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Do you watch Seinfeld much? This reminds of the roommate swap episode where Jerry wanted to drop one girl for her roommate. Don't use George and Jerry's plan though on this one but I thought I would just try to inject some humor here!
LOL, I love Seinfeld, seen every episode at least 10 times:D.
I seriously need some advice
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Originally Posted by Gandalf_The_Grey
As in the above paragraph, never even kissed a girl. I know that's pretty pathetic since I'm 22. I really dont' want to get into a relationship with someone else right now, she's more than worth the wait.
I hear you but you need some experience of your own. Kissing, sex if you aren't waiting for marriage, dealing with girls, dealing with relationship problems, how to treat a lady while taking care of yourself, etc etc etc. How many relationships has this girl been in? She has at least 2+ years of experience over you so you need to catch up. You gotta learn to crawl before you can walk. Plus sometimes being in a relationship can make you look more "attractive" sometimes. Not always but sometimes.
Lower your standards and get your feet wet in the relationship/dating pool.
I seriously need some advice
things have a way of working themselves out. don't try and initiate a breakup. it will happen on its own if it is destined too. if not, there are more fish in the sea but its good that you have a connection, and not just physical.
I seriously need some advice
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Originally Posted by Spoken Word
by a mile.
Grey. Love's a strong thing. But in my opinion, friendship's stronger. Good friends are as rare as gold. And like spliffstar failed at pointing out, women come and go. You might think this girl is the one you will marry. And If that's the case, you'll eventually be with her. I'm just putting myself in your shoes.
listen to that. the feelings will fade, become less stronger, after awhile. first and foremost worry about your friendship.
