My wife doesn't know I use cannabis.

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the long delay. I've been taking time to think and pray about this. I still haven't told her that I want to smoke weed. I almost told her last night; I was very close to telling her. I had a few pints at the pub and had "beer courage" going on I guess. Then I decided that was not necessarily the right state of mind to be in when I told her. I don't really have any excuse as to why it is taking so long other then that I'm just terrified. I honestly don't know whether to quit the weed or tell her... or maybe just quit for now and think about all this. I haven't smoked any since I last posted here. I'm trying to just be "true" to her in that regard. I'm not going to smoke again until I tell her. The strange thing is I'm also doing an outdoors grow right now... because I didn't want my last seeds to go bad since they are already a year or two old. LOL... how fucked up is that?

Anyway... here are some responses to those of you who were so kind as to offer me words of wisdom and love. Thank you, all of you.

Jagarr, if I did say our marriage was a mistake then that was a bit too harsh. What I mean is that we rushed into marriage, and *that* was a mistake. I foolishly believed religous zealots (who it turns out weren't even teaching me the real Bible) when they said I shouldn't fuck (or even kiss or LOOK sexually at) my girlfriend before marrying her. So in that sense... we made a mistake, or I did. But I have grown to love her as a person, and as a friend... as my wife. We just have these sexual incompatabilities that break my heart, and (obviously) some personal differences as well (as far as beliefs about drugs, etc.)

As far as my religious situation... I still am a very devoted Christian. I just read the Bible for myself now instead of letting some dumbass Southern Baptist pinhead tell me what it says. If I would've done that from the start I would not be in this mess. I take responsibility for that. Anyway... I'm not sure about divorce. You would think it would be "allowed" in this situation... but I'm not sure about that. I don't want to turn this into a theological debate, but basically at this point I would not feel comfortable in my faith divorcing her. That may be a mistake, but it is what it is. And on top of that, even if I could divorce her I don't know that I want to.

Dragonrider... I don't think I can bring this up to the counselor (the weed that is) or even allow my wife to. If she went to the counselor with it I would deny everything. I'm in law school right now and eventually will have to sit for the bar. They do a serious examination of your "fitness" to be a lawyer. They very well might get access to the records of our counseling session... or at least ask about what happened with that, etc. You would be amazed at how much some state bar's pry into candidates personal lives. I plan on lying on my bar application about whether or not I use illegal drugs. If I get caught in that lie my career is potentially over and my 3 years and thousands of dollars in law school is wasted. Counselors do not have the same "confidentiality" rules that lawyers have, so essentially my secret (weed use) would not be "safe" with the counselor. Everyone from insurance companies to the state bar examiners to law enforcement could get their hands on that information. Perhaps it is unlikely that would happen... but I'm not going to take that risk.

painretreat, we're seeing a licensed professional therapist with 20 years experience in couples counseling. Thank you for your prayers and your words of wisdom.

silky blue,
Thanks for your advice. You have very good words to say. She and I do talk a lot and spend a lot of time together. We go for walks, golf, and sail together. So yes, we do have hobbies and communicate and all that. You would think that the sexual problems would be easy given our relationship but they are not. As far as your questions... no, I don't think she orgasms. She says she "thinks so... maybe..." and... yeah, I would think she would know if she did. She was in an abusive relationship in the past and had to get a restraining order on the first guy she ever slept with. She is just filled with guilt and... its just a big mess. On top of that I think we're also just different sexually. For instance, she doesn't like french kissing or oral sex. I love it. Things like that... some people are just different.
She has told me she would leave me if I ever wanted to watch pornography, so that's a big no no. I've bought countless numbers of sexual help books... she threw out the ones that were too "dirty" (with pictures, etc.). She does like sex... don't get me wrong. I just don't like it (with her). I don't really know how to explain it beyond that. She has said she thinks she associates me with her past "abuser" and maybe that inhibits her... but then she took it back. It's just wierd having sex with her. I just don't know how to explain it. Also, she seems to not even want to have an orgasm. I mean, she'll say she does... but then she doesn't want oral sex. So what sense does that make? I would rather be having sex with someone else. I don't know how to put it other then that way. I guess I hope that this therapist will somehow "fix" her so she learns how to orgasm and gets rid of all her guilt. But then again, some people are just not compatable sexually... maybe that is the true problem. I just don't know.

TurnyBright,
I agree that the law shouldn't regulate marriage. If I had it to do again I would never get married (legally speaking) again. That being said, I don't see anything wrong with two people committing to work through any problems that may arise in the future... with the hope and faith that it will only make their love stronger in the end. In that sense, sort of the "religious" or "spiritual" sense of "marriage", I think it is a good thing. Given how strangely we went about dating (essentially we knew absolutely nothing about each other sexually before getting married) I'm just not sure if we should try, try, try, try to make this work... or just give up. I just don't know.

I guess part of me also wants to wait and see if the sexual problems get better before telling her about weed. But that could be forever. I guess deep down I love her and I want this all to be fixed. I feel like if I tell her about weed it may just ensure that we never overcome all of our problems we're seeing the therapist for.

I might show her this video (linked below) and then have "the talk" with her. (she loves drew carey and I bet she has no idea he probably smokes refer)

reason.tv - Videos > Medical Marijuana

I'll let her know I love her, but I've decided that the drug laws in this country need to be changed and I'm going to fight to do it. I'll tell her I want to try marijuana for the same reason I initially tried beer.

I'm so nervous just even imagining doing this... but I think this is what I need to do.

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Originally Posted by jsn9333

I might show her this video (linked below) and then have "the talk" with her. (she loves drew carey and I bet she has no idea he probably smokes refer)

reason.tv - Videos > Medical Marijuana

I'll let her know I love her, but I've decided that the drug laws in this country need to be changed and I'm going to fight to do it. I'll tell her I want to try marijuana for the same reason I initially tried beer.

I'm so nervous just even imagining doing this... but I think this is what I need to do.

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RIGHT ON!!! the truth will set you free...

Every time I read the title of this thread I can picture some guy smoking in a closet or behind a plant while his wife is on the couch reading.




"Shhhh, hand me my lighter"

Thanks for the update. With the nice individual replies and honest, appreciated! It really sounds like you both need individual therapy. She must have some sex issues, she may never be able to discuss in front of you. It may be, she has something to say to you about sex as much as you do to her about pot! Once the two of you get honest with each other, the rest may fall into place! Sex is not everything! It helps a great deal and if neither of you are getting satisfied, it could ruin your relationship more than sharing secrets. I doubt there could be more intimacy or serious issues than sex! Once, you are real with each other, I bet it falls into place! You are both holding back. My experience, to have an orgasm, you really have to let go, as pot would do for both of you! Too bad it would not be good to slip her some good brownies! I played with MJ in college and then let it go due to occupation. As a First Southern Baptist Christian, I did not try it until 30 yrs old and was against it until then! Not after trying it. I tried it because a 65 yr. old woman told me, she could not tell her children not to do something, if she did not know what she was talking about, so she tried whatever they did. I thot, open my mind and try it! I loved it! It did open me up more sexually as well as verbally! Enhanced my relationship which soon dissolved! Not because of Pot! When token, I find I talk a lot easier. Just my experience! It sounds like most of the real important things that you need for a life time relationship are there, except honesty on both sides on these 2 issues! Those are things you can work out. If she is so stiff in sex, it may take a long time in therapy. There are no quick fixes. Ultimately, if one of you had a bad accident and you could not have sex, would you stay together--because that is what love is about! Ultimately, if you are growing, you want to be caught and forced to talk! Is that the way you want it to come down? I had problems smoking in front of people, until I had a real good medical reason--then no problem. I have never been with anyone I did not tell first, even if I wasn't doing it! I have been with no one that use's though! Even First South. Bapt. can open up! Takes timing and growing up. THERE IS NOTHING MORE INTIMATE THAN ULTIMATE SEX. Heck, I even started reading The Forum Mag! It sounds like she has a mental hang-up, as you expressed and she needs to work through that. But, telling her--I know a man married for 30 years and never told his wife! But, he did not gro at home! I don't know how fulfilling a relationship could be if you feel you are living a lie! If you fear being alone more, then that is something else! Good luck with the counsel and I do sincerely hope it does work out well. It may be she has repressed things, she isn't even aware of and it could be a rough emotional ride for both of you! She may need a lot of support from you through it, if she can be open and honest with therapist and I doubt that will happen with you in the room! You may consider joint (pun intended) and individual therapy! So much prayer and love is going your way!;):hippy: Oh, I decided I can be a Christian and go to a different kind of church, like Unitarian or whtever you choose, something not so rigid. Falwell's demise, may have helped the Baptist a bit, don't know. But, there are other options for a church, as well!

was typing this and it disappeared! maybe buy her a vibrator and encourage her to use it with or without you and without shame! She can climax without penetration, if that is an issue, mentally. She can experiment until she knows what please's her and how you can do it! Even if you have to use the vibrator on her! Once you bond with great sex, she won't leave you over pot, maybe! Don't take my word for it, but I know it would create what sounds like an ultimate bond. If all is what you say and you sound pretty honest. Plus, a lot of things in foreplay are simple, erotic and not sexual, yet very stimulating that by the time u touch her, she may almost climax before you get started! Once, she knows what it is! I could climax just thinking of the one I love--so, for me alot of it is in the head! So, the counselor is certainly the right track. Once, she has a real climax, she surely won't want to go without anymore! I sure couldn't, unless I had to. And you, if you don't get satisfied with her doing so--well, it ain't just her then, is it? Lots of us quit pot in the 70's to have our children and some still aren't, cause the kids are still living at home and they want to set a good example. My friend's daughter is 22 and at home. They have told her about their past. I don't see why they can't do it now, since it wasn't a daily thing anyway, but it is their choice! I kind of liked the closet idea and expected one of the guys to say, use your hand in the closet and a Bud in the bed! lol just a joke! I know this is serious. But, this is suppose to be one of the best pleasures in life, I am not sure I'd give pot up for a climax! It is a toss up, but i've had a lot more practice with sex!! Continue to pray for you and I do hope this is not a long ordeal for you both. She will love it when she has one! You may have to take another honeymoon. There is also a book, long ago called, "The G spot!" You might want to read it and see if perhaps there is a little more you can do! This is the ultimate bonding a new marriage really needs. Once you have that bond, I bet you can tell her anything--it is special!

Show her this thread and tell her to read it all. You have explained to us your true feelings which is what she needs to know first of all.

Secondly after showing her the video explain to her that marijuana is a PLANT, drugs are synthesized by MAN, and are proccessed with SYNTHETIC CHEMICALS that affect the brain. I myself wont even touch PRESCIPTION DRUGS, and hated that UNCLE SAM shot me up with some SYNTHETIC stuff that I dont even know. OK sry back to your problem:jointsmile:

This sacred plant has effects that open spirituality like no other thing on this earth. I myself find it easier to talk to God when I blaze on Sunday morning. It has been around longer than any "drug" known to man, so? How can it be a "drug" when it is ingested without any chemical processes? (Argument to grow your own after she understands and becomes more receptive after you convince her to try it with you)

Lastly if you choose to let her read this thread do it now for I have something to say to her...

Mam, your HUSBAND in the Lord has come to us, a community of unknown people that are supposedly "drug users." And look how we have united together to help this fellow brother of ours. How can we be evil "druggies"? You two obviously have some things you need to deal with, and cannabis is unlike a raven immorale's Xanax, or Prozac, which you really don't himto turn to.

The key to any successful relationship is COMMUNICATION, and being open to the fact that HUMANS must AGREE THAT DISAGREEMENT is OK. When you two can learn to communicate in ALL areas of your life, the skeletons and all then you will truly be happy. The feelings of guilt from past situations have to be known throughout the relationship in order for it to blossom. (Like a cannabis FLOWER) Once again communication is KEY to all relationships, and not being scared of the other's reactions. Knowing that it is ok because TRUE LOVE can understand and CONQUER all.

You two have alot to talk about.
You must not misjudge for what is judgement but the LORD.

P.S. CHECK this POTHEADS grammar out. Can I have my A+?

we is not alowwed to type other drugs on here

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unlike a raven immorale's Xanax, or Prozac, which you really don't himto turn to.

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:S1::S1:

i think its important that you tell her EVERYTHING you posted on this thread. It is very improtant to be open and honest in a releationship. I'm not sure why you are so worried that she will flip out, as it seems that you and her are already not on the best terms currently. Hiding more things from her will do nothing to fix your current situation. If revealing your marijuana use becomes the tipping point that leads to a divorce, it is still not the end of the world. You are both young and still have your entire life ahead of you. However, if you reveal your true feeling about marijuana and you and here truly love each other, I do not see you two divorcing over marijuana use alone.


BTW, i wouldn't tell your therapist about marijuana use. They will likely shun you for it, being that most doctors are prudes. Trust me i know ;-)

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Originally Posted by bigdog1

i think its important that you tell her
BTW, i wouldn't tell your therapist about marijuana use. They will likely shun you for it, being that most doctors are prudes. Trust me i know ;-)

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Been 2 a lot of parties with therapist's and Dr.s in years past, they do not practice what they preach!

U need to re-read silkyblue's advice-some excellent advice. And you can do it without even talking! U need to start somewhere and that is excellent way to give her control to open up! :thumbsup: PR