the funniest thing said while under the influence?

This was not while under the infulence, but it was right before and is really funny, so I will say it anyway. We were getting ready to hotbox my friends big ole caddy, when we start talking about aderall. He then goes on to say, that since he has add/adhd and shit, it will calm him down. Then out of no where he screams, "Fuck, I wanna learn something"

It was SO funny at the time, I dunno if anyone else will see it like that though.

funniest thing ever wasnt said, but observed.

me and my bros smoked 2 bowls of bomb ganj, and we were sittin and chillin,and he just grabs a pillow and hides behind, just peaking out from over the top at me. i laughed harder and longer than ever before, i swear to god i almost died from lack of oxygen lol

My mate was like "Hey, wanna hear a joke? Ok, so when you're making a compost heap, you move one bit of earth to another bit of earth, and then cover it up in a plastic bin thing. So really what you're doing is sticking a piece of plastic in the ground."

We were pissing ourselves. When I repeated it to some non-fucked people, they were just like.. huh?

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Originally Posted by UpInSmoke

I turned to my friend Tiff to tell her a story and it starts out like this...
"Tiff, I was at my neices birthday party and ... oh wait it wasn't a birthday party, there were just a lot of ppl there and we were eating."

Oh and I asked Tiff if I could borrow her kitten to freak my Mom out and make her think I brought home a stray. So I pick the kitten up and said," Dayum!!! This cat smells like shit."
Tiff: "Yea, I know. I haven't gotten a chance to give tha cat a bath."
Me: "Do you have a Ziploc?"
Tiff: "WHAT?!"

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that is the funniest shit i have heard in a while.

just finished smoking in my friends car, and we stopped at her house. when she got out of the car, she shut the door on her fingers. she wasnt hurt, but her hand was stuck in the door. the really funny thing is that her doors were locked, and her keys were in the car! it was soooo funny. the cops came to help her out, and we got pictures and everything.

me andmy best friends play football and we all dont like it too much but all deep down love it its weird, anyways, my friend kyle said

"yeah, its funny we always sit around bitching about football and how much we hate it and how were gonna quit but none of us ever do because were all pussys"

its funny cuz its true, were all lazy potheads and dont wanna bother with the coaches bullshit theyd give us if we quit

:rasta: i once was really high and out of nowhere jumped up and said" im muhammad ali, floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee." that was awesome! :rasta:

ok so me and my friend were really high but we were pissed off and arguing about somthing. we stop arguing and are just quiet for like 5 minutes. then:

me:ummmmmmm ryan?
ryan:ya?
me:what were we arguing about?
ryan:i have no idea

we both almost pissed ourselves. and at kfc i was ordering

lady:regular or crispy?
me:to go please

at the drive thru at taco bell my friend orders a nacho bell grande, she hands it to him and he yells: This aint no fuckin nacho bell grande!! right in her face....

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Originally Posted by Hempamasta

Not really the funniest thing.. but just sort of deep, I guess..

When a buddy of mine were tripping on shrooms at his house, we walked around his back yard and were looking at these trees.. the sunlight was filtering through them and was making this sort of pattern. We both likened it to a magic eye puzzle (you know, those things where if you look at them long enough, they turn into a picture). So we went inside and smoked some bud, and we put on this crazy Tool CD. I said that it sounded like a "magic ear puzzle" because you could listen to it for a while, and new parts of the song would show themselves. I dunno, just seemed cool.

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yeah man that does sound deep.

a story of mine:
me and some friends were smokin and we decided to head over to krispy kreams for some bomb ass donouts. well anyway, i knew what i wanted, just the plain glazed, but when i was tryin to get their order they said different flavors so i tried to remember, but when i started repeating i started fuckin up and jus started cracking up. then my friends started crackin up so i started rolling up the window panicking tryin not to seem too high but it was too late. i ended up saying forget that, i just want 12 glazed and 4 milks. in the end everyone was cool with the glazed. hahaha

man, a lot of these stories i can relate to

I know this doesnt go under the subject of the funniest things Ive said while under the influence...but it is a funny thing i read so close enough..

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and frightened Miss Muffet away.
Then muffet went back
and checked her gun rack
grabbinga .357
finding the spider
she sat down beside her
and blew that poor sucker to heaven.

This was todays Pearls before Swine comic..

Got two new ones from a friend of mine who was blazed yesterday. Three people just smoked 5 gram of seriously quality chronic:

"Dude, I was just fighting a stick, and I won! But it's a plant-- keep that in mind."

Him: Dude, are you throwing rocks?
Me: Yeah, why?
Him: Man, you shouldn't throw rocks in a glass house, but we're not in a glass house. But we could be. But we're probably not, because we're outside."

Those were the only two I wrote down; there were many more where those two came from.

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Originally Posted by ztriple3

one of the first couple times my friend smoked, he was laughing hysterically about every half a minute, about nothing at all. he explained this as the "30 second cycle" in which, he would be laughing about something for 30 seconds, and then he would forget what he was laughing about, and so he would laugh again because he didnt know what he was laughing about. this would continue cyclically every 30 seconds, and it lasted for several minutes. good stuff, i thought that was hilarious, at the time.

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I get this all the time and i love it. Funny thing, um, well one time we were all blazing on the balcony so we ordered domino's (duh) and then the pizza guy comes and we're still blazing. Then as he leaves he says don't mess up the rotation! We couldn't stop laughing. Then another time we were all high and then i just suddenly said Who the fuck is Akboo? And everytime when were high we say it and we laugh everytime.

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Originally Posted by hammerhead

i spent 10 minutes telling my friend about how i had prepared my toasted sandwhich with different amounts of ham and cheese in different sections

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thats funny shit, i could def see myself doin that, just keep goin on about it.

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Originally Posted by Satan666

"This one day i was taking a huge rip and the purple turned smoke as i blew it out.

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hilarious

a year ago, i was real stoned and came home

i asked my father... "when's the next time we're gonna smoke?"

haha
i was so emberrassed, and scared lol :(

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Originally Posted by jfoster

well one time, we were pretty baked. my friends dog would try to eat my bag of weed whenever i shook it at him. then he ran outside(bad) and we had to get him back inside. now keep in mind that this seemed like a good idea at the time. i ran outside with my bag yelling "dooby(dog's name) get the weed!!!!!!!!!!!" and shking the bag all atound. my friends had to come outside,put their hands over my mouth, and drag me inside.

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dude thats funnie, but when u said dooby i got sad cuz i had to listen to my dog named dooby get shot....

but funniest thing was, scrape my lungs if i od on this weed.

Me, my friend, and his neighbor were hanging out in front of his apartment. We were having some conversation about Star Wars, and I busted out the Chewbacca noise out of nowhere. I fell out of my chair laughing.

one time i was at mcdonalds and my friend told me that it was happy people day and if i said happy people day and if i said happy people day to the cashier i would get a free burger, so i stood in line with no money and said happy people day real loud and she just looked at me lke wtf?

another time i was at a friends house when he started sucking on the blunt saying "mmmmmm....chocolate.."

one time a like a week ago me and some friends were cruising, and we all have the munchies so we decided to go to mcdonalds but john my firend who was driving didnt want to get the food himself for some reason, so he went thru the dirve thru backwards like a retard so i could get it from shotgun. the people there were like wtf. it was wierd.

One time my friend Alex got really really fucked up on some really good chrons, and he got stuck to a wall. I walked past him in the hallway and I thought he was hugging the wall, so I asked him "What the fuck are you doing"? And he replied "Penguin! What the fuck are you doing standing on the wall???!!!" I started laughing for a second, then I said "Dude, you're on the fucking wall." And he said back "You must be fucked up Penguin, you're fucking standing on the wall thinking it's the floor!". Then me and my friend Fernando started trying to pull him off, but every time we let go he'd like run over to the same wall. We just gave up because at that point we were laughing our fucking balls off.

HEY YOU YOU GOT MAIL! DING! :rasta:

The funniest shit I've ever heard was from my little Bro when we were on a space cruise.
Me my bud Andy and my little Bro Jeff went on this hellaciously long cruise, we smoked like five or six joints between the three of us and after like the first one Jeff was just layed out in the back seat of my car not saying a word, yet he kept taking the joint every time I passed it to him. :stoned:
It was like two hours or so before we got back into town and were heading home, Andy and I were talking about some random shit when Jeff pipes up "Are you guys talkin' Russian?" Then he starts spuoting all these Russian sounding nonsense words.
We almost left the road cause I was laughing so hard. Later my bud Andy coined the phrase "Straight outta the back seat!" we still use it today when people say really fucked up stuff.

Thanks for the memories little Bro. :thumbsup:

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Originally Posted by DiLoS

Oh yeah, than there was another time where I asked for a Six-inch Footlong at Subway. The chick looked at me like I was fucked up, which I was of course. So I was standing there like I asked the right thing until my friend said a six-inch footlong doesn't exist you idiot lol.

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HAHAHA... you know what's sad?? I didn't even catch that you said 6 inch footlong the first time i read it. None of it caught my attention that something you said was wrong. LMAO

Well, I had just gotten through about half an oz. or so with my friends, when we started up a huge as blunt. A fight broke out while we were smoking it and in th emiddle of it I went to take a hit, but I took the hit from the lit side. It fucking hurt; so I ran up to the guys who were fighting and just booted them in the face.

"Fucking bastard destracted me while I took a fucking hit."

Nay, it isn't that funny; but it was amusing.

Another time a few of us were getting stoned while talking a walk in the woods. One of them flips right out, had a bad trip I guess. Anyway they're running like made, so I book after them tackle them to the ground and take the straight pipe and bag of weed from them and walk away.

"What the fuck was that all about?" One asked as they chopped a bud up in a shot glass.
"They tried to take off with the weed"

Also not very funny but none the less an amusing story. (I'm so aggresive).

One time me and my friends just got home from bein right riped so we went into the basement (my room) to talk about shit. So one of them is talking and is like:

"So fuck man...Oh shit I forget what I was going to say..."

I have a buncha shit on my computer so what do I play? The jeopardy thinking song; it was perfectly timed and everything.

My parents own a store and weren't home that week. THe store was locked up and me and my friend just got ripped. We jumped up and ran everywhere looking for the keys and he was like:

"Fuck, when is cowboy beboop on?" I looked at him and lauged my ass off and replied "A half an hour ago!" "FUCK" It was so stupid, it was funny to me.

The first time I got high, I was right mellow when this chick takes a giant bag of chips eats the whole thing runs out side bare feet (snow was about two feet) and booked it down the raod. She came back after awhile, but man it was crazy.

ok so i was at the movies and am totally baked. movie over, go outside and i forgot where i parked my car. my friend blake and andrew where there
Me: dude, where's my car
blake:where's ur car dude
andrew: ha ha ha, it's like from that movie
blake: wtf r u talking about
(brief pause while andrew tries to remember what he was talking about)
andrew:dude wheres my car!
me:i dunno but im gonna be pissed if we dont find mine soon

it got silent and then we all just started cracking up.

one time my cousin said "I want some pure h2o.. none of that mexican shit."

i've said a lot of funny shit when stoned, but recently, i took a philosophy test after i smoked a bowl and came up with interesting answers.
Q. Can a man desire something he is unaware that he lacks?
A. No. Imagine a man is born into a colony of one-armed people. Now, these people have no idea about how much simpler their lives would be if they had two arms. since they don't know the benefits and don't know anyone with two arms, they are more likely to desire it.

...yeah, i was really baked

I don't know about you, but I've often wondered how much easier life would be if I had a third arm. No shit.

:)

Yes, a man can desire something he is unaware he lacks. Suppose he wants a soda, goes to the fridge, and boom! No soda left.

LMAO brings me back brings me back this one time me and a buddy went into this skate shop blazed off r ass and the dude comes up and is like "whats up" my buddies like "good" it was the best thing i ever saw in my life was litterly on the ground crying and laughing at the same time

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Originally Posted by Aces High

the funniest thing a mate sed to me while high was "shit, my lips are sticking to me"

Omg, I pissed myself soo hard at that, im sure he was refering to dry mouth, we were all playing mario cart at the time. Omg so funny.

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LOL! :D Weirdest things i do are always songs, i always seem to get up and dance while singing a song, the last one was "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai but i sung Dreadlock Holiday by 10CC once, lol, crazy shit

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I use, too, many, commas,,,

Oh yeah, i also went to have a piss in a sack of potatoes once

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Originally Posted by lateralus

Yes, a man can desire something he is unaware he lacks. Suppose he wants a soda, goes to the fridge, and boom! No soda left.

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lateralus you crack me thafuckup...such a smartass, you think youre so slick. It was a good one tho, I gotta give you that... :dance: ...and tha avatar definatley makes your smartass remarks quite a bit more humorous, I hate bush, he's such a dumbfuck. BUCK FUSH!!! har har har...Does he actually expect us to believe him when he says he's looking for weapons in an oil rich country, just looking for weapons. But he can't get help for ppl suffering for the effects of huricane Katrina in time? He jumps on the opportunity to invade, but lags like the first Apple computer when it comes to helping ppl in his own country.

Once I got high before my friends arrived in the alley they all smoke cigs in after school, so I was zoning out and they didn't even know until there were only two left. So I saw all the doiley things for the first time, and made many theories about what they were.

"The air...is a giant monster. The doilies are its blood veins!"
"they're flying down from the sky and circling my head to attack me."



"james, are you high?"-her
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"-me