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Hi all
Dunno if you can help but is anybody interested in a free cat?
A friend of mine is looking for a good home for his cat.
He said it's really lovable and friendly but his girlfriend said the cat
makes her nervous when it stares at her and she wants
it out of the house.
If you know of anyone, let me know.
The picture is attached.
Cheers,
Neil
lol neil that made me smile :D
need sum happyness in the world.......
:cool:
lol
IS THAT A REAL CAT!?!
Porsche for Sale
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his
parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her
name--they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what
she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for
fifteen
dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell
his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
IS THAT A REAL CAT!?!
i think it is a real cat, but maybe the photo is edited in some way ?
that is 1 scary moggy though :eek:
Q = Why do women have orgasm's during sex ?
A = It gives them something to moan about even when they're fucking loving it :(
lol
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment".
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "She's a nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground....
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that;
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
heheheh i like tht
I thought this was hysterical !
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf
A couple had been married for 50 years and it was their anniversary. They were sitting at the table at breakfast talking.
"You know i bet 50 years ago we were sitting here naked as jay birds," says Bill.
"Well what do you say?" replied Sue,"Lets get naked."
They remove all their clothes and continue breakfast.
"You know," said sue,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"Well, thats because one is in you oatmeal and the other is in your cofee!" replied bill.
THE WALL
In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi
who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the
holy site and there he is! She watches the bearded old man at
prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she
approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how
long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
For about 50 years, he informs her.
50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the
hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and
friendship."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.
Roflmao A++
One day in class little Tommie's teacher told the class that each one of them would be asked to stand in front of the class and tell something about their father's job and what they do.
As student after student took their place in front of the room the occupations went from construction workers to doctors and lots in between.
When it came time for little Tommie to take his turn he walked slowly to the front of the class and just stood there for a few minutes with a frown.
Then in a flash he smiled and began talking.
"My father is an exotic dancer that entertains at gay strip clubs.He dances erotically and men slip money into his g-string.Sometimes if the men have enough money my dad will even go home with them for awhile."
After the class was dismissed the teacher asked Tommie to stay for a few minutes."why in the world would you get up in front of your fellow classmates and say such things about your father?" she asked him.
"I was just making it all up." Tommie answered her.My dad really works for the Bush administration but I was to embarrassed to tell them that.
Save the whale ?!
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is." Boy -
"I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy -"$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."
Life Explained
First God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."
hahahah.... i told this to my wife while she was having coffee and she spit out a mouthful at the punchline.
Kewl joke
lets call this , the bloke joke
this guy goes to visit his wife in hospital.shes been in a coma for 2 years.
he walks into her room & looked down at her.
feeling a little sexy,he squeezed her right breast
the wife opend her eyes & murmered something,then went back into the coma.
so he then squeezes both tits together,again she opend her eyes ,murmered something then went back into the coma.
the guy rushed out to see the doctor & told him what had happend.
the doctor says , try oral.see if that does any good.
so the guy goes off back & the doctor returned 5 minits later & walked in.
how is she,says the doctor.
shes dead doc
DEAD!
how did she die.
SHE CHOKED!
a obese man walks into a chemist. "can i have 1 bottle of cough syrup and 1 pack of asprin please?"
the female sales assistant groans and replies "oo,you remind me of john travolta"
the man replies "ooo FUCK off!!this is FAT,not grease!"
.......................
(lame joke alert)
if the answer is "cock robin" what was the question?
"whats that up my asshole,batman?"
(lame joke alert)[I]
That should have been in the title not at the end heheh
no it should be written on your gravestone,fuckface.
I love you too :p
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Anyone for a Chinese take-away ? ;)
Quote:
Originally Posted by malvcalv
oh oh ha ha ha ha oh oh lmao lmfao that is so stoner stupid
wow, I can't beleive this thread is still kicking
what's the differance between your father and a picnic table?
>
>
a picnic table can support a family of four ;)
oh shit, I used that one long ago. All right this one's kinda racist
q:What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
a:Father's Day
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. The father jumps to his feet, and says "Fuck it, I'll do the dishes!"
A pig and a bear are taking a bath together and the bear says could you hand the soap and the pig says no soap, radio?
dot dot dot...
yo momma so stupid she thought sexual battery was something that you put in a dildoe
Quote:
Originally Posted by neilmcca
what is ur record speed??????????????
I got 629 MPH.
What do you say if your T.V. starts floating off in the night?
Put down my tv n****r!
What did the black kid get for his birthday?
Your Bike!
what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslectic?
someone who stays awake all night wondering if there really is a doG
hope u like