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OK, here's what I'd do:
- Rest up, both of you, and try and take some time away like Friendowl suggested so you can focus on each other
- Talk about the fact that you'd like to work on upping the intimacy but leave out the part about him not doing it for you (that is a drag, though)
- Ask him if y'all can try and take a stab at reinventing your sex life and diplomatically tell him that you want to spice things up
- Introduce some pretty underwear, toys, or other props if they'll help. Do yourself in front of him (that always lights my husband's fire in a big way) or have him watch you so he can pick up your technique, if his is lacking
- Seduce, seduce, seduce. Even if I'm not in the mood, if I work on getting him in the mood or trying to distract him, it always gets me going. You know how to do this, I know
- Keep working on that bond in other ways because if there's some other area of hesitation, anger, or hesitancy, that'll definitely get in the way in the bedroom. Are you harboring anger or resentment over anything on some level? Is he "doing it for you" emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, too?
My heart aches for you that the attraction factor isn't there because it definitely helps make everything else easier and keeps the passion as a solid baseline when other areas of the relationship are shaky or you're going through a rough patch. Are you wary of counseling because you know you'll be forced to deal with the fact that the truth is you married a man you're not terribly attracted to? On some level, I expect he already knows that that's what's up, don't you? I can't imagine your being married to someone who's not fairly sharp and perceptive.
Above all, do everything you can to work on the whole bond between the two of you, Demeter, and get it strengthened up now. Sex is a barometer of that bond, and if things are shaky in that area, there may be little fault lines in others. I recommend working on strengthening the bond ASAP because when you two bring those girls home and you suddenly find yourselves as new parents together, you're going to face a whole new set of challenges to that bond, and you're going to need as solid of a foundation as possible, both to weather the storms of parenthood and to have that bond in place for the security of the children. Kids, interestingly enough, have a relationship with their parents as individuals but also with the marriage itself. And so presenting a solid front of intimacy is not only important for you two so you can stay together to help raise those kids but also so the kids will have a good model for their future intimate relationships.
Hope that made sense. I wish you the very best of luck with this, my sweet, creative friend.
k i is confused now...Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlet Sky
got to user cp; it will have your last five reps, who repped you, and what they said. i left you a message...Quote:
Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho
no no no, not confused that way... confused cuz your email is the same as another member's name here (pretty much) so you're either a double personality or a coincedence lol..
btw you can definately be expecting to hear from me (probably take a month or two to finally get my money)
Quote:
Originally Posted by birdgirl73
Birdgirl- That made sense like you opened up my brain and looked right in! It is strange, I haven't talked about this issue before, though it has been a concern for years. Now all of a sudden I am venting about it, and I imagine stopping the Prozac has something to do with that. It is as if I was on MUTE before. I feel more emotional about everything, and I hope that tapers off eventually. Last night I felt so guilty about verbalizing my feelings, I could hardly sleep. I felt panicky. I felt as it I had betrayed him by speaking the truth.
I am totally afraid of what might come out with therapy. The fact is that we are not really very well matched in the other areas you mentioned - and yet I feel great love for him. We have a comfortable relationship, we share some interests and activities, and we have fought the good fight together for so long to become parents- I am not sure I am willing to rock that boat.
I have been able to overlook the fact that in some ways we are quite incompatible, because I have never had the experience of knowing a relationship that wasn't that way. I think it is a rare thing, and I don't believe it is possible for me. Intellectually and emotionally, we are not at all alike (I always have my girlfriends for that), but spiritually we see eye to eye - he has a moral center, a concern for others that I have never seen in any other man- hence my willingness to overlook other differences beetween us. What I have now is so much better than what I have ever had in the past, or what my parents had, that I count my blessings everyday. I feel certain my heart would break if I left my marriage. I have been divorced twice before, but this marriage is different to me. Those other two were obvious dangers to be run from!
So I am going to get to work:) I am taking your advice- seduce seduce seduce! I am hoping that if I work on seducing him, it will affect my mood, just like smiling when you are sad shifts the mood. I've been too complacent. I need to stop being such a princess expecting to be swept off my feet lol. For all my denial that such romance exists, a part of me is still hankering for it. But I am sure he is too! Poor thing, I was much more interested when we first got married. I tried then. I need to try harder now.Menopause has definately had a effect, making it worse, so I need to look for solutions with that. Perhaps there are other herbal meds that would spice up my mood?
He and I have actually talked about the problem with our sex life before, and then we make some effort, and then we slack off, and we grow apart again. I have always been exceptionally good at denying my feelings, so I am glad that I am getting uncomfortable enough with this problem to decide to really work on it, instead of expecting him to transform. It's worth the effort. Tonight we are going out, a rare occasion for us, so it's the perfect opportunity to seduce.
Thank you so much for your incredible insight- everything you said is spot-on true! You're better than a therapist, and I have seen quite a few of them:)
slip, even though there seems to be a ton of information about growing and many people like sky or stinky have it down to a science, it's really just a plant and with the basics of light and water and nutrients, a hardy strain will grow pretty well even if abused!Quote:
Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho
I am not a disciplined,organzied, or even very knowledgeble grower, and I have been growing flowers and vegetables for years. I have learned to grow weed from the folks here, and am now in the middle of my first decent grow and it looks awesome. I tried before, but failed, simply because I didn't realize the basic light and nutrient requirements, since I wasn't an indoor grower. Now I know much more, but that doesn't mean I have a clue now about specifics with regard to ph or nutes - it's like math or car mechanics to me-lalalala -my brain can handle Heidegger, but chemistry makes the room spin ... hey, I just give them lots of light, feed them a small amount with every watering, and put them in good soil. I bought a cheap timer and I just look in on them every day to see if they need anything. I've been tying them down or topping to increase yield, but no fancy stuff. I don't think you have to become a garden master to produce enough for your own use. I have three plants in flower right now, and I will let you know how much I harvest in 6 weeks or so - but these girls are looking really bushy and strong, and that is not because I am so skilled. Your idea about the idiots guide is GREAT and some enterprizing person should absolutely jump on that and write it! $$$$$
As for your reading issues, I work with college students in developmental English who have the exact same issues. You will have to take longer to read and work through written passages, but as you know that doesn't have anything to do with your intelligence- it is a processing glitch, but fortunately, there are techniques that we know of now to help with that. It is great you are working with someone on that- hands-on is the best way. But use the grow area to learn a bit at a time and don't let yourself get overwhelmed. Start small.There are plenty of grow buddies here to help you out. It is a bit of a project getting the grow started, but it isn't very hard to do- and the relief of having your own stash is priceless!
Good luck!
sorry for hijacking dem, but you hit my forte ;)
i found this the other day...
http://boards.cannabis.com/advanced-...ng-ghetto.html
looks like it's going to be a good one....
Thanks, Demeter. I think that was my uncanny intuition combined with the fact that we're both married and both about the same age--and with the fact that I've done enough therapy, solo, group and with my own husband, to know the sorts of things that affect marriage dynamics. Menopause and antidepressants definitely take a toll in the bedroom, and that's why I refuse to use antidepressants. I really dread seeing how the changing hormones are going to affect our relationship. We have a lot of attraction for each other and a good sexual relationship, and I worry that somehow that'll go away.
I want to do more research into herbal approaches to the libido issue. Right now, I know absolutely nothing about that, and I need to. I have a friend who's working on her N.D. degree now (Doctor of Naturopathy), and let me ask her what she knows. I know you were put into early menopause by some surgery you had. Does that surgery preclude your trying some form of replacement androgen (testosterone) to see if that boosts your libido? They say women often have to relearn their sexual response after surgery and/or menopause.
Here's a good article I found about this subject. Your doc will know whether or not you're a candidate to try something to counteract androgen insufficiency. Good luck, sweetie. I have my fingers crossed for you on this issue. And I don't blame you for not wanting to rock the boat, as you said, by dragging this all out in front of a therapist. You know how that goes. It's painful. It's hard. And it tends to make things worse before it makes them better.
Androgen Insufficiency, Testosterone and Female Libido
P.S. Keep trying to add in exercise, particularly strength-building exercise like weight-lifing, to your routine. It'll help you with that anxiety. It'll help you feel more physical and sexual because it makes you more aware of your body. And, even in women, the increased muscle mass will help your body secrete more of its small amounts of androgens, which'll be a natural libido booster. Testosterone is a muscle-binding hormone, so men and women with more muscles have more of it. It's the hormone that affects our sex drive.
Much love to you, my friend!
ya see slip- kp to the rescue! :)
That's okay, this thread has veered, I go on tangents too, but that just means we should start another one because I am really excited about seeing slip get started growing and want to know more details!