I have essentially become a medical user...

I know what you mean MastaChronic.

I refuse to take pills from them.

They do nothing except kill your personality.

Ebel, it sounds like it could be a lot of things, from depression/anxiety to bipolar or OCD, and really the only one who can accurately help you decide what the problem is is a clinical psychologist/counselor or psychiatrist. Someone who is an expert psychological diagnostician. Just because someone helps you identify the problem, however, doesn't mean you have to take meds. And, for that matter, all the meds they prescribe don't necessarily take your personality away. Some of them help folks feel a lot better.

I know someone who is suffering from what seems like the same thing your talkn about. He was a little depressed all his life...deffinetly medical, He used to be on anti depressents for years. Idk but I think he stopped taking them a few years back. Anyways He was smokn alot of weed for a vary long time and It seemed like it helped him and was something he really liked, But he quit that to and got paranoia,anxiety, and panic attacks. He didnt like people seeing him weak either it just set him off more.