So after a few days of thinking and discomfort in the aprtment air. You know the kind of air that is so thick you can feel it all the time.
I know I have always misunderstood my lady with some things and some messages I don't get b/c the way they are delivered or I have already shut down and am tunning her out.
Last night I had gone home with the intention of talking with her about what happens now. When are you leaveing and how and what do you need from me. She then turned to me. started crying and soobing etc. I didn't react all day I had been planning on being strong and not showing emotion So I was doing pretty good. She went for my hand and I pulled away She got really upset then. I started rubbing her back.
I started asking her some questions, slowly , What hurts? what do you feel? We both feel sad etc. Its hard. And a interesting answer I got from one question was...
"I'm sad becasue I have to leave and loose my future husband becasue of POT" She then explained since she meet me she has noticed I have really only smoked more pot. (Which is acurate) I have become more obsessed with it (Which is acurate) I started to grow it and make more and more plants (Which is correct) And when Im high somtimes I am very incoherrient and thats about 80% of the day some days. She can't get away from it like she needs too because I have it around. She says "It makes her depressed, LAzy anti social and Moody and she gets really angry at me for little reasons. And she really doesn't like doing that.
It kinda hit me then b/c I have had this sorta break down with a previous relationship. It was almost like a flash back.
She doesn't want it around because she doesn't want to smoke. She wants a better more clean life for me as well as her. Therefor hopfully improving our relationship and taking us to a next level in commitment and a better life.
It didn't hiut me untill she was abl;e to say it that way to me. The other times it was just yelled at me. THere was no emation except anger in the other times.
I love pot and growing etc. But I can't even argue that If I don't smoke it as often or at all I will have more energy, feel better and be able to make better more confident decisions. I have done well yes smoking every day since i was 15 (im 27 now) I have a great job I love Im stable etc. But lets all face it there are draw backs to this increadable lifestyle and drug we all are very fond of.
When I told her that I was seeing it this way now. That it had to do with me and US together. She looked at me as if "How couldn't you see that" She says it makes her moody which effects me.(very accurate) its makes her anti social, and lazy which also affects me (very accurate) and she says when she tells me things somtimes Im in a different world (which iss true as well) SO she says how can you not see that that affects you!!!
I had nothing to say really... Shes right. these things that I don't like about her she is saying are caused by her smoking. (weather thats the whole truth I don't know) BUt some of those traits come with smoking POt and that I do know. I even get moody when im high.
So now with this new information, or lets say understanding. Im sorta caught in a wall and a hard rock. Becasue I have been in this exact same spot 3 yrs ago with a love. That didn't end up well at all I lied and still smoked for 2 years without her knowing and the realtionshipo went to hell slowly and painfully. She didn't klnow I was smoking and thats not why we broke up but I had to live with the fact that I lied to her for 2 yrs. I learned a very good lession from that one. Lieing ina relationship only hurts yourself cuz when its all done you are the one who has to live with the guilt that you lied not the other person.
So I'm lost now because I am afarid If I give up POt and only smoke recationally, Which she said is cool. And I stop growing it and I kinda change my lifestyle a Bit WILL I RESENT HER FOR IT?
I feel im at the age where Pot really shouldn't be this important in my life that I have to lose another realtionship over it agian. But at the same time I feel I have to change myself and that is somthing Im not sure If I can comprimise. I can say in a second,, Oh yeah change no problem. But I am old enough now to know thoise are just words. and with my last GF I really did start to resent her over time because she was so closed minded about POt.
I ahve a great girl here a best friend, who isn't totally closed minded about POT She wants me to make some lifstyle changes which I now see isn't for her sole benifit only. But more for us to move foward as mature adults. And I see all the reasons why I should but still feel like I may not be able too.
I did ask her if she would come to consulling with me. She said yes right away. Which I was prety happy about I assured her it was for me. Cuz I don't undertsand some of the messages she is sending me. She kinda got defensive at that point and said if you don't smoke as much you will get the messages, geez... I had mixed feelings once that came out.
She then said she would think about it. She said that If I don't smoke Ill get the messages and I wont have to go to consullor. But I really have more of a motive to go for other reeasons as well for her and I. But I didn ask her "well before I told you why I wanted to go to a consulor why did you say yes right away?" She said "Cuz i'll do anything for you" that was comforting.
You see I know We will need consullnig even if its a just to be safe thing. I know it can't hurt regardless. Plus last tiome I quit for 3 months I needed alot of help. I even turned to Clonansopam and Effexor which was a big help but not exactly a perminant solution.
SO I guess what Im saying is should my thoughts change now? Has she really reached out to me and stripped down to really try and help me undersatnd the situation and her feelings for US?
Or has she just gotten scared that I really wasn't going to chase after her. like I usually do.
Any help is greatly appreciated,
kd
