Now This Is Magic
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Now This Is Magic
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SPERM BANK ROBBERY
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says
Originallly posted by Crudemood
"Once there was this boy blowing bubbles in the bathtub
Bubbles was the name of his brother."
Ha! I thought Bubbles was his chimp :)
Cheers
NCM a Michael Jackson fan (not)
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
A Helicopter Was Flying Around Above Seattle Yesterday When An Electrical Malfunction Disabled All Of The Aircraft's Electronic Navigation And Communications Equipment. Due To The Clouds And Haze, The Pilot Could Not Determine The Helicopter's Position And Course To Steer To The Airport.
The Pilot Saw A Tall Building, Flew Toward It, Circled, Drew A Hand-Written Sign, And Held It In The Helicopter's Window. The Pilot's Sign Read "WHERE AM I?" In Large Letters.
People In The Tall Building Quickly Responded To The Aircraft, Drew A Large Sign, And Held It In A Building Window. Their Sign Read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The Pilot Smiled, Waved, Looked At His Map, Determined The Course To Steer To SEATAC Airport, And Landed Safely.
After They Were On The Ground, The Co-Pilot Asked The Pilot How The "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" Sign Helped Determine Their Position.
The Pilot Responded "I Knew That Had To Be The MICROSOFT Building Because, Similar To Their Help-Lines, They Gave Me A Technically Correct But Completely Useless Answer."
One Day A Man Walks Into A Dentist's Office And Asks How Much It Will Cost To Extract Wisdom Teeth.
"Eighty Pound," The Dentist Says.
"That's A Ridiculous Amount," The Man Says. "Isn't There A Cheaper Way?"
"Well," The Dentist Says, "If You Don't Use An Anaesthetic, I Can Knock It Down To £60."
"That's Still Too Expensive," The Man Says.
"Okay," Says The Dentist. "If I Save On Anesthesia And Simply Rip The Teeth Out With A Pair Of Pliers, I Could Get Away With Charging £20."
"Nope," Moans The Man, "It's Still Too Much."
"Hmm," Says The Dentist, Scratching His Head. "If I Let One Of My Students Do It For The Experience, I Suppose I Could Charge You Just £10."
"Marvelous," Says The Man, "Book My Wife For Next Tuesday!"
nice jokes
here is a joke that cracked me up..
2 fish in a tank
one tells another
-"How the fuck do you drive this thing?"
Here's one, courtesy of my friend:
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
...
The wheelchair.
What do u get if u cross an elephant with a kangaroo...? big Fkn holes all over Australia.
that EMO one was on KROQ, thats if u live in southern california.Quote:
Originally Posted by robert42
wasnt this one in the movie desperado???Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenport
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Classic, they don't write em like those anymore.
....lol that reminds me of another..........Why did the pervert cross the road???............His cock was still in the chicken.Quote:
Originally Posted by Reefer Rogue
Question
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Answer
I'll tell you later.
You Are Driving In A Car At A Constant Speed. On Your Left Side Is A Valley And On Your Right Side Is A Fire Engine Traveling At The Same Speed As You.
In Front Of You Is A Galloping Pig Which Is The Same Size As Your Car And You Cannot Overtake It. Behind You Is A Helicopter Flying At Ground Level.
Both The Giant Pig And The Helicopter Are Also Traveling At The Same Speed As You.
What Must You Do To Safely Get Out Of This Highly Dangerous Situation?
Answer:
Get Off The Children's Merry Go Round, You're Stoned.
Just In Case You Ever Get These Two Environments Mixed Up
This Should Make Things A Little Bit Clearer.
IN PRISON ....... You Spend The Majority Of Your Time In A 10X10 Cell.
AT WORK ......... You Spend The Majority Of Your Time In An 8X8 Cubicle.
IN PRISON ....... You Get Three Meals A Day.
AT WORK ......... You Get A Break For One Meal And You Have To Pay For It.
IN PRISON ....... You Get Time Off For Good Behavior.
AT WORK ......... You Get More Work For Good Behavior.
IN PRISON ....... The Guard Locks And Unlocks All The Doors For You.
AT WORK ......... You Must Often Carry A Security Card And Open All The Doors
For Yourself.
IN PRISON ....... You Can Watch TV And Play Games.
AT WORK ......... You Could Get Fired For Watching TV And Playing Games.
IN PRISON ....... You Get Your Own Toilet.
AT WORK ......... You Have To Share The Toilet With Some People Who Peed On The Seat.
IN PRISON ....... They Allow Your Family And Friends To Visit.
AT WORK ......... You Aren't Even Supposed To Speak To Your Family.
IN PRISON ....... All Expenses Are Paid By The Taxpayers With No Work Required.
AT WORK ......... You Get To Pay All Your Expenses To Go To Work, And They
Deduct Taxes From Your Salary To Pay For Prisoners.
IN PRISON ....... You Spend Most Of Your Life Inside Bars Wanting To Get Out.
AT WORK ......... You Spend Most Of Your Time Wanting To Get Out And Go Inside Bars.
IN PRISON ....... You Must Deal With Sadistic Wardens.
AT WORK ......... They Are Called Managers.
Now Get Back To Work. You're Not Getting Paid To Check E-Mails
if u smell somerhin funky, its probably me, .....
cuz i'm the shit:rastasmoke:
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help.
It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money.The second boy wanted a ferrari, so Bush gave him a ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."
The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life i saved."
Whats brown and looks like a stick.
Answer: A stick
NCM