Thinkin about killing myself

take some oxycontin for the pain and move to montana...
nobody here has social lives..
nobody can, because there is no opportunity... suicide is a permanent resolution to a temporary prob... but for you the temp prob isnt going away, but things will get better for you id you dont think about how much you think youre a loser because i guaruntee that not everybody else out there thinks you are a loser...\
i get this way sometimes too just thnk about how much everybody else thinks im shit and stuff then i just try not to think about it n just be strong n suffer through it for a few days and then i pull through fine
i understand that you have physical pain as well as mental pain and that is very unfortunate, but ill assure you... you arent the only one, and the girlfriend thing... i really guaruntee you you arent the only one... youll find someone eventually, i dont have one, still a virgin at 17, im just waitin my turn to succeed in life, because everybody has thier turn and things will go good for a while
you will get your turn, its up to you to strengthen your personality and person to fight through this shit we call misery
some people are very lucky and dont have too much misery, but by having this pain in your life you ultimately become a stronger person-- dont just let all that go... see what you can accomplish in your state, then when you do something good say fuck off to everybody else that said you couldnt do it and then you will be, in a sense, a superior person to them... if you are looking for a chance to succeed and get ot of this funk youre in, now is the time...
living through this situation and come out the other end still kicking and not giving up, you will be a better person and with being a better person, comes happiness

never give up... no matter what, because all you are doing is strengthening yourself for the future...

peace.....one day at a time..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bedake

solution: buy an xbox 360, buy xbox live, play online all day, video games replace the need for women over time. and make you not depressed.

Or buy world of warcraft, meet chicks, meet friends, get addicted, live life through WoW, my friend met his girlfriend who lives a hundred miles away through world of warcraft

life isnt so bad when you have video games, but if you were born with no hands... i dont know what to say, all i can is i would seriously kill myself if i had no hands but was otherwise completely OK life without gaming or drugs would not be a life for me, masturbation would suck too

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What's your gamertag?

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Originally Posted by Smokey McPot

move to one of the caribbean islands and get a job like taking tourists on snorkel trips or somthin. Who cares if you dont make alota money because if i lived down there with a fun job that would be better than living in ohio making more.

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heh, man you have no idea how much I've fantasized about just that. well not so much the snorkeling, but living in the carribean in any way. I'd take having just enough money to feed myself and buy a little ganga, to live somewhere like that.

but anyway, while I do appreciate the reply's since this last page, I think everybody missed my post that I'm not going through with this. I've been sober for about 2 weeks before today, trying to get my tolerance down, and today I just had a total nervous breakdown from all the stress weighing too much on me, and at the time I really felt I was totally trapped and everything's hopeless. I know, it's stupid, but I do occasionally just lose it like that. But with no friends to hang out with, no things in my life going my way for once, there's just no release and this shit just builds up in me, and sometimes the mental dam just breaks. but today after I posted the first few posts, I was just a nervous wreck and said fuck-it, quit my abstinence, and have been smoking solid for the past 3 hours. really made me step back, outside the situation and look at it from there.

You sound like a kool katt, glad you thought about it more. What are you good at, what's your favorite things to do? There's gotta be somethin you can make money off of in this world. Try to travel as much as possible, it's very stress relieving, and also you get to see whats out there that you can work for and have someday. Lifes not easy, and it wasn't meant to be, you gotta work for it man, if college aint your thing try somethin else. Theres strains of ganj out there that are extremely good for pains and depression...I just lost $250 playing poker, but as soon as I hit that skunk/diesel I'm happy as a nun on a period stickin the tampon in. Fuck it! if you have to drive to California to get it, make the trip and buy a couple oz's! Life gets better, I promise. Sucks about the pain, is there a surgury that can fix it? Physical therapyst?

;) Good luck bro, stay coo:smokin:

What kind of music do you like, where do you live, what are some of your favorite things to do? Come on man, us stonerz gotta stick together man, we can't be givin up and shit.

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Originally Posted by beachguy in thongs

I wish everybody could get that song stuck in their head, from Monty Python, "Always look on the bright side of life".

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some people dont have
a bright side of life.



and that song sucks.

the only answer to suicide, is get out of your Routine you do everyday which makes you feel that way, change your life,
move some where else, or out of home, meet new people, do new things...
drugs arent the answer...yea they make you feel good about yourself for a few hours, but then you get the downside of them. and eventually they will fuck your life up EVEN MORE, plus you will have no money, lose all you got, then u will be a fuck up.


grass can be greener on the other side, you'll never know till you see it ;)

remember that.

hey mrd, you seem cool, i'd like to help, if you ever feel like it, drop me a line, [email protected]

mrdevious, I'm not going to act like I have the answers to your problems. But I do have opinions of drugs and suicide and pain and whatnot - I'll just spill them and.... yeah, see what you think.

Some people are under greater pain than others. Be it physical, mental, emotional, or whatever. But would you rather have everything be fine? Are you sure you'd rather wake up in a nice home, with a great job, lots of money and a beautiful wife? Fuck man, THAT would be a better time to kill yourself, in my opinion.

Life is not easy. It seems sometimes like most people don't realize how much SKILL it takes to be good at it. It sounds like you're just getting a pretty heavy dose of it (life) at this point = things are hard right now.

Not long from now you'll have grown and learned from this - you'll be better at life because of it.

Here's a trick I figured out the other day after I had just spent an assload of effort observing Samuel L. Jackson's character in Pulp Fiction. If you haven't seen the movie, basically this character is the epitome of self-confidence. But that's almost besides the point, really. What I'm trying to suggest is that you might do like Samuel L. in Pulp Fiction and 'manually' put yourself into a different mindset - give a different perspective a try. You say you're 20 and in college. Same here. The thing I love about college is that you could re-invent yourself on almost a daily basis and no one would give a fuck, even if you act a bit wacky, or even pretentious or something. That's a cold way of putting it... but what I mean is that you're free to be whoever you want to be to the world.

college affords you the chance to escape most, if not all, of the scathing that a life-change like this might elicit from people you're more intimate with - ie. family and 'old buddies.' But there's nothing wrong with bouncing around.

But here's the trick, finally. It's simple but I think surprisingly effective at putting yourself into a different, more confident mindset.
DON'T LET YOUR EYES LEAVE THE HORIZON LINE. Simple. This sounds weird, but don't knock it till you've done it. Don't avoid eye contact, but don't shy away from it either. And whatever you do, resist all urges to look downward or above this line. There's a natural magic about that damned line, man. I don't know what it is... I'm still pretty baked and I just came to this conclusion about an hour ago, but I gave it a try (because I'm a naturally very shy person) on a long walk around a crowded area, and it does something to you.

Again, it might not do anything, but it definitely won't hurt. Give it a try, man. See what you think.

You're in college so there must be some social services available to you. Talk to your counselor or a trusted professor or a pastor or someone you trust. There are all kinds of free or low cost forms of councilling available. And let's face it, in the case of most folks, killing yourself is just plain cowardly. You think life is tough and it is. No one said it would be easy. But it's a lot tougher for a lot of other people. Look around you as see all the suffering out there. Far worse than what you're going through. I don't know what your family is like but if they are halfway decent, you can talk to them and they will listen and help you.

Ok, just saw the post where you said you had cleared your head and wised up. Now take the next step and talk to someone. Don't be afraid to get some help. It's out there all over the place. Please??

1. When you exist, your death does not, and what does not exist can't harm you.

2. When your death exists, you do not, and what does not exist cannot be harmed.

3. It is irrational to fear what can't harm you.

4. It is irrational to fear when you can't be harmed.

5. At any time, either you exist or death exists.

6.Thus, for any time, either death can't harm you, or you can't be harmed by death.

Therefore,

7. It is irrational at any time to fear death.

"Weep not for him who departs from life, for there is no suffering beyond death." -Palladas.

Here is a suicide not from Charlotte Perkins Gilman:

"Human life consists in mutual service. So grief, pain misfortune, or 'broken heart' is no excuse for cutting off one's life while any power of service remains. But when all usefulness is over, when one is assured of an unavoidable and imminent death, it is the simplest of human rights to choose a quick and easy death in place of a slow and horrible one."

I've already read that you said you weren't going to commit suicide. That is good. Everyone's life is in their own hands, do with it what you will. I'll leave you with this...

"There was a time when we were not: this gives us no concern - why then should it trouble us that a time will come when we shall cease to be?"

William Hazlitt.

dam man ur a nice guy i hope u dont choice that way out

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Originally Posted by mrdevious

why? fuck it, that's why. I remember in high school they gave these stupid seminars on suicide telling us "people commit suicide because they want the pain to stop". well they're fucking stupid, because there's always more than one reason, and sometimes it may even be justified. I hate people who say "it's never the answer". well maybe sometimes it is, maybe the world isn't a big happy simple place where one answer fits all. And right now I realized that it may be my only choice left because I have nowhere left to go.

right now I'm in college and as it's goin, I'm not going to pass. I've been studying for hours, but no matter how hard I try it's too much and I keep falling behind. it doesn't matter what I do, I've tried and tried, but I can't do it. I'm so fucking sick of people telling me that i just need to buckle down, and it'll be hard, but I'll suceed in the end. pretty fucking words don't pass my tests, don't finish my projects, don't make me understand all the material and catch up. I can work my ass off 24 hours a day, but I'm not gonna pass.

but hey, no big deal right? I'll just drop out, get a job, finally move out, and live a little first. oh wait, nope I'm fucked there too because I'm in so much fuckin pain all the time I can't possibly work. it hurts like hell for me just to take the bus to school, 3 hours a day sitting in class is enough alone to put me in a world of pain. so obviously, I can't go out and work, because I can barely manage to go out shopping.

so hey, if I should disappear suddenly, that's why, because I can't see a fucking way out. I can't finish college, I can't work, i can't move out, and my parents will never let me just sit at home doing nothing. What the hell else do I have for options? NOTHING. there's absolutely no other course I could take that I can see. don't listen to these assholes that say "suicide is NEVER the answer", 'cause I'm living proof that it's the only answer sometimes. I'm not saying I'll pop myself off today, 'cause I'm not, but I imagine I'll have to do it pretty soon.

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So.... your gonna kill yourself because you ar'nt doing well in college and because you hate your classes? Thats a pretty lame reason to wanna kill yourself, you should be happy that you acculy had a chance at life, unlike some people, there's loads of people in third world country's that are starving to death and have no water. BUT YOU DON'T SEE THEM KILLING THEMSELV'ES DO YOU? If you ask me, you don't realise how lucky you are. Millions of people would love to be you. Rather than starving to death and not even being able to go to school and try to get an education.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mrdevious

why? fuck it, that's why. I remember in high school they gave these stupid seminars on suicide telling us "people commit suicide because they want the pain to stop". well they're fucking stupid, because there's always more than one reason, and sometimes it may even be justified. I hate people who say "it's never the answer". well maybe sometimes it is, maybe the world isn't a big happy simple place where one answer fits all. And right now I realized that it may be my only choice left because I have nowhere left to go.

right now I'm in college and as it's goin, I'm not going to pass. I've been studying for hours, but no matter how hard I try it's too much and I keep falling behind. it doesn't matter what I do, I've tried and tried, but I can't do it. I'm so fucking sick of people telling me that i just need to buckle down, and it'll be hard, but I'll suceed in the end. pretty fucking words don't pass my tests, don't finish my projects, don't make me understand all the material and catch up. I can work my ass off 24 hours a day, but I'm not gonna pass.

but hey, no big deal right? I'll just drop out, get a job, finally move out, and live a little first. oh wait, nope I'm fucked there too because I'm in so much fuckin pain all the time I can't possibly work. it hurts like hell for me just to take the bus to school, 3 hours a day sitting in class is enough alone to put me in a world of pain. so obviously, I can't go out and work, because I can barely manage to go out shopping.

so hey, if I should disappear suddenly, that's why, because I can't see a fucking way out. I can't finish college, I can't work, i can't move out, and my parents will never let me just sit at home doing nothing. What the hell else do I have for options? NOTHING. there's absolutely no other course I could take that I can see. don't listen to these assholes that say "suicide is NEVER the answer", 'cause I'm living proof that it's the only answer sometimes. I'm not saying I'll pop myself off today, 'cause I'm not, but I imagine I'll have to do it pretty soon.

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if you're gonna give up, atleast give up in style and become homeless. it's the second most selfish way to go...next to suicide.

it's time for you to give up weed,

any drug just in-heightens the way you already feel,

if you feel like shit, smoking will make you feel like elephant shit,

have you tried St.John's Wort - honestly get yourself some, start eating fruit and veg and do some exercise.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by beachguy in thongs

I wish everybody could get that song stuck in their head, from Monty Python, "Always look on the bright side of life".

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Are you joking? I'd kill myself if that happened..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CrAzYpOtHeAd

So.... your gonna kill yourself because you ar'nt doing well in college and because you hate your classes? Thats a pretty lame reason to wanna kill yourself, you should be happy that you acculy had a chance at life, unlike some people, there's loads of people in third world country's that are starving to death and have no water. BUT YOU DON'T SEE THEM KILLING THEMSELV'ES DO YOU? If you ask me, you don't realise how lucky you are. Millions of people would love to be you. Rather than starving to death and not even being able to go to school and try to get an education.

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By that logic, nobody has any right to complain about anything, given that there are always people in better / worse situations. I'm sure someone could rail on you everytime you complained about something. Would that make you feel better? Would that be the best thing that person could do for you?

I think i might "think" about killing my self too. This isnt me being a dick or anything. But why would u have to think about it i just love it when people have to think about it. First of all if you have to think about it then you wont do it anyway so theres no point in saying that. IF your gonna do it then just do it and do it right by not telling anybody that you are going to do it. Theres no thinking in this matter its either you do or you dont.

i just want to let you know you're not the only one. you're definitely not the only one. i wanted to kill myself so bad last year and i cried myself to sleep and cursed god, asking him if he did exist, how can he put some one in such pain? I still think about it from time to time but i'm much better. i know i won't actually go through with it. because if youre religous, you know what happens if you kill yourself.

let me tell you something. i thought i was the worse person in the world when it came to social situations. i didnt have much confidence in myself. even though i dont have any physical barriers, i had alot of emotional and mental barriers and i couldn't lead a normal life. but one day it just clicked. i have to be a man and get through this. one day it will pass. i started thinking positive and more positive things started happening. really when you're depressed, its all in your mind. i know its hard to come to terms with that but as long as youre in that SINKHOLE mindset, where you can't get yourself out.. nothing good will come. i guarantee that. just remember. youre not the only one. youre not a loser. if i can make friends, ME! if i can, you can. you can get a girlfriend. you can do whatever you want. if college isn't for you, it isn't for you. something will come your way. remember; i know it's so hard i do, but try and stay out of that SINKHOLE. stay up.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mrdevious

man you guys don't even get it.

I CAN'T go to trades school because I don't have the math and science prerequisits, nor am I any good at either of those disciplines.

I CAN'T go into a trades because of my physical condition. it's not a simple matter of painkillers, I can dope myself up till I'm seeing trains flying in the sky, it still hurts too much just to stay on my feet.

I CAN'T even get a girlfriend, or a friend for that matter, because I'm a fucking loser piece of shit.

and I STILL CAN'T get a job and move out because I'm too physically fucked to work. and the government won't give me disability insurance or anything because I live with my parents, and they're not going to give me money to move out.

see what I mean? there's all sorts of wonderfull cliche solutions out there, but in practice non of them add up. even if there was a god, I'd fucking hate him.

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dude.... u must think your the only one with problems, u don't got it so bad, i'm not sayin i got it worse cuz i dont, but other ppl do, think about the thousands who are raped every year, think about all the kids with no parents or family at all that have no-where to turn to, no home to go to, think about the parents whos kids are abducted, raped and murdered by peodophiles and nut cases, u don't have it as bad as you think u do m8, others DO have it worse, and they have the strength to go on living, why can't you, if u kill urself u will only be wasting your life, u will not get a second chance at life dude.

Peace

mr devious your cool man your a great person so dont like be thinking u cant get any friends as u have so many here allready if u can do it here u can do it in real life its just probably as u have the pain and cannot go out into well populated recreational area's like nightclubs and such but thats not your fault man thats why u gotta hang on because at sum point you will get out there and be doin those things ,

the goverment suck. no matter where u are they r hard bastards when it comes down to the facts(they dont give a shit about em) i know this will sound like another cliche fix but have u tried any kind of apprentaships(spelling) at home? as in when u apply for a job u tell them that you are physically unable to travel to and from work i know its sounds dumb but sum companies want to look good and actualy pay for a computer for you and train you how to use the computer and you can work from home. u will have do sum hard assed searching but those jobs do exist i know sumone who works from home over a broadband connection on remote admin all because complained about arthritus one day.

i do think the teachers pile on to much these days like i really do think home work should be abolished from secondary schools i mean u work at school then u go home fro home time not bastard doin more work at home time lol but yeah college teachers go overdrive i think because they feel they have to keep the student thinking they would never be as smart as the teacher. its a big mind game trying to get you to work harder . just give it a year and if your in the same position then think of suidcide

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Originally Posted by Wesley Pipes

dude.... u must think your the only one with problems, u don't got it so bad, i'm not sayin i got it worse cuz i dont, but other ppl do, think about the thousands who are raped every year, think about all the kids with no parents or family at all that have no-where to turn to, no home to go to, think about the parents whos kids are abducted, raped and murdered by peodophiles and nut cases, u don't have it as bad as you think u do m8, others DO have it worse, and they have the strength to go on living, why can't you, if u kill urself u will only be wasting your life, u will not get a second chance at life dude.

Peace

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no man thats wrong just because sumone has never experienced worse dosent mena they r not suffering ...in others words yes others have it worse like aids stricken children in minority countries but it doesnt mean the situation isnt deathening to the individual....if u get me

Aww man I should have seen this earlier, now I just cba to read it all.

Cool down mrdevious and have fun :)

yes, why the physical pain? Seek help through a counselor, hospital, etc. It sucks to think of, but u might need hospitalization at a psych hospital to get away from all the stress, clear your head, and get feeling better. u can also be put on meds and be monitored there, to see if the meds are working or not. I work at a psych hospital. It opens your eyes to see others worse off than you, also. U get to appreciate what u do have by seeing what others don't have. I love seeing people get better. I hope that you take this advice to heart. Take very good care of yourself. College years are very tough, but u will survive. Just take the time u need to help u!

Go ahead I won't stop ya.......Or join the army ....or rob a bank and take a gamble?

If you.ve decided enough is enough and made the decision...then every moment you have left is kind of "not yours" or.....soon to be no more...so by that point you will have washed away all the things that would normally stop a rational mind from doing something that would be punishable by say...life imprisonment or indeed the spoiling of ones future....

And because you.ve surrendered your future and therefore removed all ambition...just take a massive gamble and see if it pays off....

My point is ....If you have the gun against your head...you have already said fuck off world and goodbye...therefore you have NOTHING TO LOSE!!!

If you get caught/busted ..then you have lost nothing and can happily resume the process of murdering yourself....

Just some advice

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mrdevious

why? fuck it, that's why. I remember in high school they gave these stupid seminars on suicide telling us "people commit suicide because they want the pain to stop". well they're fucking stupid, because there's always more than one reason, and sometimes it may even be justified. I hate people who say "it's never the answer". well maybe sometimes it is, maybe the world isn't a big happy simple place where one answer fits all. And right now I realized that it may be my only choice left because I have nowhere left to go.

right now I'm in college and as it's goin, I'm not going to pass. I've been studying for hours, but no matter how hard I try it's too much and I keep falling behind. it doesn't matter what I do, I've tried and tried, but I can't do it. I'm so fucking sick of people telling me that i just need to buckle down, and it'll be hard, but I'll suceed in the end. pretty fucking words don't pass my tests, don't finish my projects, don't make me understand all the material and catch up. I can work my ass off 24 hours a day, but I'm not gonna pass.

but hey, no big deal right? I'll just drop out, get a job, finally move out, and live a little first. oh wait, nope I'm fucked there too because I'm in so much fuckin pain all the time I can't possibly work. it hurts like hell for me just to take the bus to school, 3 hours a day sitting in class is enough alone to put me in a world of pain. so obviously, I can't go out and work, because I can barely manage to go out shopping.

so hey, if I should disappear suddenly, that's why, because I can't see a fucking way out. I can't finish college, I can't work, i can't move out, and my parents will never let me just sit at home doing nothing. What the hell else do I have for options? NOTHING. there's absolutely no other course I could take that I can see. don't listen to these assholes that say "suicide is NEVER the answer", 'cause I'm living proof that it's the only answer sometimes. I'm not saying I'll pop myself off today, 'cause I'm not, but I imagine I'll have to do it pretty soon.

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Thats a fucked up story, sorry man (best wishes).

Hey man even when all seems losts...sometimes thats when you get the answers.....sometimes you dont. While school is an important part of your financial success in years to come....nobody says you have to have a diploma to be successful. I never gradutated from Penn State and I have made more money than most who have their Masters Degrees. Its about following YOUR dreams....you are only here on Earth for a short time. Im hoping you dont have a debilitation disease....or a child with cancer...if you hate school and feel overwhelmed...QUIT. You can always go back later if you feel like it. Take a break and refresh....you can always change something....but once your gone....YOUR GONE.

wow. this is a long thread with lots of posts. I couldn't read them all but don't kill yourself, or do. whatever you want. but you should think about your loved ones before you do.

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Originally Posted by fractur

Are you joking? I'd kill myself if that happened..



By that logic, nobody has any right to complain about anything, given that there are always people in better / worse situations. I'm sure someone could rail on you everytime you complained about something. Would that make you feel better? Would that be the best thing that person could do for you?

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Yeah but i'd just been complaining, i would'nt kill myself. The future could be bright for him and he would'nt even know because he would be dead. But he has'nt been online for a long time and to be honest im worried about wether he's gone through with it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chisme

no man thats wrong just because sumone has never experienced worse dosent mena they r not suffering ...in others words yes others have it worse like aids stricken children in minority countries but it doesnt mean the situation isnt deathening to the individual....if u get me

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i get u, but when i'm depressed thats the kinda stuff i think about and it kinda makes me glad to have my family and friends around me (even tho sometimes they get on my nerves), nothin else matters in the end, so my life doesnt seem so bad ya know.

Peace :D:rasta:

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Originally Posted by Krippysmoker

Hey man even when all seems losts...sometimes thats when you get the answers.....sometimes you dont. While school is an important part of your financial success in years to come....nobody says you have to have a diploma to be successful. I never gradutated from Penn State and I have made more money than most who have their Masters Degrees. Its about following YOUR dreams....you are only here on Earth for a short time. Im hoping you dont have a debilitation disease....or a child with cancer...if you hate school and feel overwhelmed...QUIT. You can always go back later if you feel like it. Take a break and refresh....you can always change something....but once your gone....YOUR GONE.

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not a wiser word said :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

yeah man school aint that big a deal, i did crap at school, worked in a deadend job for a few years, now me and my best m8 are (still:D) tryin to open our own specialist comic shop, in other words, take what u do for fun and turn it into a business, create a cash flow from doin what u love, sure its never easy but the least u can do is try.
:thumbsup: :rasta: :rasta:

eh.. sometimes i feel like killing myself just to get it over with. i can be the king of depression sometimes. but seriousley man. dont kill yourself. if you give up completley,just run off into the wilderness and do whateever the fuck you want until the cops shoot you down.

when i contemplate suicide, its not me shooting myself that i immagine. i picture myself being free and happy for the last moments of my life. maybe shoot up some heroin, take some acid, and walk down maine street with a toy gun.

[email protected]

Drop me line, vent whatever. :)

Peace

Buddy

Dont speak, ACT.
If its what you truly think the best, i aint gonna stop you.
You will be missed.

I am feeling quite depressed myself tonight. It's difficult to live in a phyiscal world and not succumb to human emotions but chemicals in your brain) are ultimately the reason for your depression. Yes, the situation is causing this, I have been let down by my best friend tonight and am on a comedown off X, meth and tranqs. It has made me so depressed and makes me feel there is no point in existance but once again if the chemicals in my brain instantly changed to "happiness" chemicals (seratonin, endorphins etc) I wouldnt care for these problems and would focus on what is good. There is always a balance in the brain, for all the positive there is a trade off for negative and vice versa. Its this mental bias that alters our moods and state of minds. The only answer to depression is to sit it out and wait until the balance turns in your favour.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mrdevious

why? fuck it, that's why. I remember in high school they gave these stupid seminars on suicide telling us "people commit suicide because they want the pain to stop". well they're fucking stupid, because there's always more than one reason, and sometimes it may even be justified. I hate people who say "it's never the answer". well maybe sometimes it is, maybe the world isn't a big happy simple place where one answer fits all. And right now I realized that it may be my only choice left because I have nowhere left to go.

right now I'm in college and as it's goin, I'm not going to pass. I've been studying for hours, but no matter how hard I try it's too much and I keep falling behind. it doesn't matter what I do, I've tried and tried, but I can't do it. I'm so fucking sick of people telling me that i just need to buckle down, and it'll be hard, but I'll suceed in the end. pretty fucking words don't pass my tests, don't finish my projects, don't make me understand all the material and catch up. I can work my ass off 24 hours a day, but I'm not gonna pass.

but hey, no big deal right? I'll just drop out, get a job, finally move out, and live a little first. oh wait, nope I'm fucked there too because I'm in so much fuckin pain all the time I can't possibly work. it hurts like hell for me just to take the bus to school, 3 hours a day sitting in class is enough alone to put me in a world of pain. so obviously, I can't go out and work, because I can barely manage to go out shopping.

so hey, if I should disappear suddenly, that's why, because I can't see a fucking way out. I can't finish college, I can't work, i can't move out, and my parents will never let me just sit at home doing nothing. What the hell else do I have for options? NOTHING. there's absolutely no other course I could take that I can see. don't listen to these assholes that say "suicide is NEVER the answer", 'cause I'm living proof that it's the only answer sometimes. I'm not saying I'll pop myself off today, 'cause I'm not, but I imagine I'll have to do it pretty soon.

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You're bitching because you can't sit in class for 3 hours a day, wow, 3 whole hours. Join the army, navy, airforce, or marines if you lack the ability to accomplish anything on your own.

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Originally Posted by CrAzYpOtHeAd

Yeah but i'd just been complaining, i would'nt kill myself. The future could be bright for him and he would'nt even know because he would be dead. But he has'nt been online for a long time and to be honest im worried about wether he's gone through with it.

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nah man, I haven't killed myself and I'm not going to. I'm actually feeling fine right now. I just havne't been around since i made myself look like a fool here when I had that whole nervous breakdown, as has happened many times before. the same day I bitched out my whole family enough to piss them all off for no reason, then went downstairs to my room and stupidly restorted to smashing my face and hands into walls till I got an endorphine rush. then I found some Methylfenydate (ritalin) in our medicine cabinet, so I started taking those (in a sensible dose) to see if it would get my brain in order. I don't know if they worked by I do have a lot more energy right now and I seem to be a lot more capable of completing my assignments now.

anyway, yesterday I did a bunch of stretching and muscle training that I learned in yoga, then went running for a little bit. oddly enough it doesn't really hurt me to excercise, it hurts me when I have to lift heavy things, stand in one place for more than 10 minutes, or even sit in one place. seems my muscles are a lot better when I'm constantly moving, working and stretching them, though I still have my limits in that regard. also I think after a 4 hour solid smoking session, I broke myself out of the whole funk. I know it can depress a lot of people, but it actually makes me feel very possitive. actually yesterday I went to class high, and normally I'm so stressed I can barely concentrate, but when I was totally stoned I was participating in class discussion more than anybody else, and bringing up some really good points. I think I've found too that I can just take 1-2 tokes and feel very possitive, but not get high, just mildy euphoric. it's like a doctors recommended dose really lol.

As for all the people who were helpfull, thankyou for that. but I do want to be clear on this to those who thought so, I was NOT trying to be an attention whore to get sympathy (hence my general angry cursing at some, sorry about that). I totally hate attention whores who want everybody to feel sorry for them, and there's no way I wanted that. I was just freaking out, thougth I was out of options and screwed in life, I didn't want to be in pain anymore, and considering I don't have any friends to talk to, I vented on these boards with you guys who are the closest thing I have (and a lot of you have been pretty cool friends).

And yes, I see lots of people are saying "there's billions in 3rd world countries with lives tougher than yours", but that doesn't really answer why in first world countries we have huge suicide rates wheras in a lot of poor nations it's almost unheard of. I'm sure psychologists, philosophers, sociologists could all debate about it for years. but obviously there's something about modern society that is not healthy for the human mind, something that's making millions of people depressed, anxious, suicidal, or just unhappy with their life while there's people in Cuba barely getting by who are very happy. I think a large part is due to societal restrictions.
I was such a nervous wreck from being bullied in schools because we were conditioned from a young age to be disempowered. that's right, the schools disempower kids, teach them not to stand up for themselves. I never stood up for myself because they drilled it into since kindergarten "just go to a teacher" (and they do nothing to solve anything), rather than instilling the confidence in me (and many kids) to stand up for myself.
in life in general, now you have to get these 6 year university degrees to have a decent job (in large-part), then work at a menial job you hate in an environment where you can't be yourself and can't be creative or intellectually stimulated. it's not natural for humans to spend 18 or more years in hard learning and spend half their life working at jobs for some asshole company they don't care about.
and, at the even more basic level, there's just the way we live today, which is more unnatural than ever. As much as we love our toys and crap, we won't be made happy by the fact that we spend hours watching the brain-rotting television, playing video games, spending exorbidant amounts on crap we don't even need, conditioning ourselves to believe that we have to BUY BUY BUY to be happy, when in reality it's nothing but material pleasures that bring no fulfillment, just superficial instant gratification.

People who are miserable and even suicidal aren't that way because they have it tougher than everybody, it's because the human mind is put in an environment that it wasn't meant to cope with or naturally exist in. We evolved to have the species deal with starvation, hard work, conflict, security, etc. but the way most people live today isn't how we were meant to exist.

oh, yes, and, um, I'm sane again.

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Originally Posted by tadaa

You're bitching because you can't sit in class for 3 hours a day, wow, 3 whole hours. Join the army, navy, airforce, or marines if you lack the ability to accomplish anything on your own.

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oh, tadaa, you obvious didn't read about what's really going on.

Fuck college man just go to work....

move to amsterdam and smoke some weed