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So a bear's walking through a forest and sees a rabbit. The bear says to the rabbit "hey buddy, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" the rabbit replies "no". The bear then picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with it.
hahaha
i even luahed the second time i read that
good one.,
:)
Q = What go's in and out and stinks of piss ??
A = An old age pensioner doing the "okey cokey"
:p
Hell have no fury like a woman scorned :(
:eek: A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to
his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more
and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.
He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper." :)
Big Ron's Mates Rally Round...........
(this might confuse anyone who isn't a football fan or not english so read this - http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.../22/nron22.xml is he a 1st class dumbass or what ?)
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."
6. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far back as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean! Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult times.....
Sincerely,
The Dog :eek:
A young woman goes to the vet with her alsation dog and explains what the problem is.
"Every time I bend over, he jumps on my back and, well, you know, does the business. Getting something out of the fridge, putting something in the bin, making the bed: every time I bend over, he's there humping away."
"I see" says the vet "I suppose you want him put down?"
"No, just clip his nails, please"
Q: How many rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
tom, dick, and harry all die in a car accident and are standing at the pearly gates. St peter greets them and tells them that theyhave lived their lives in accordance to god so they may enter into heaven. But st.peter issues them this warning "God has a special bond with his favorite animal, the duck. Watch to make sure that you don't step on any or you will pay the concequences"
The first day they were waling around heaven and tom accidently steps on a duck and dissappears. A few hours later tom returns with a oman that is quite ugly. dick and Harrry ask tom where he picked up this brawd and tom replies "i stepped on a duck now i have to spend eternity with her."
On the second day the three and tom's new companion are walking around heaven and dick dissappears. Much like tom he returns a few hours later with a ugly women and tom goes to him "I see you stepped on a duck too"
to which dick replies "yes, I squashed the poor little duck and this is who I will spend the rest of eternity with.
On the third day the three are walking around again with tom and dicks new companions and Harry dissappears.
A few hours later he returns but much to tom and dick's suprize harry is accompanied by a gorgous woman who was a supermodel in her time on earth. tom and Dick are in awe and ask "Harry how did you gt her to spend eternity with?"
to this the beautiful woman replies "i stepped on a duck"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "Howâ??d you get the eye patch?" "A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
:D :D :D
old mrs hubbard went to the cuboard to get her poor dog a bone
she bent over rover took over and gave her a bone of her own!
lmao
lmao im gunna try drinking stella like that!!!! good 1
Peace
lmao again.....just got a text from hunny with this joke...
Posh spice decided to get her own back on David,,said she fucked micheal jackson,,he denied it and said he was in brooklyn at the time
Peace!
DUI Enforcement
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy." :p
A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says, "Yes...how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well, yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
lmao she sent me the same txt faf initQuote:
Originally Posted by dog420
Life with a woman is like a pack of cards;
u need a heart to love her
a diamond to marry her
a club to smash her fuckin head in
and a spade to bury the bitch
sorry it this offends anyone but i like it lol :)
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
WHY WOMEN LIE :p
One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the river bank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out,
The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. ;)
I'll bet there isn't a man here who can spank the monkey better than me :D
http://rpatrick.com/more/spankmonkey/
ermm ill let that one go..no more bitchin ones lolQuote:
Originally Posted by smokey
:p
highest i got was 813 mph lolQuote:
Originally Posted by neilmcca
im up to 847 mph now hahahaha :DQuote:
Originally Posted by smokey
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
:eek:
A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features and if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man
doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple
and a cricket stump jammed up his arse. Further studies are expected.
As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed
her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator
Shocked, she asked; "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
replied: "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing,
the daughter said; "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,
and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise
coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and
observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and
staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy. The wife asked; "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied; "I'm watching the footy with my son-in-law."
Fell A Sleep
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made
love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep,
awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes,
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied.
He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you.
I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've
been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
I love choc
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
lol brings sum good memorys to mind readin the downright impossible things to say
what do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?????????? an egg!!!!!!!
if you had sex 365 days & saved all the condoms,then melted them down & made a car tyre.what name wud you give the tyre.
a goodyear
~lol~ yeh but would they be slicks???? ~lol~
Why E-Mail Is Like a Penis
Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
Many of those who don't have it would like to try it - A phenomenon psychologists call "E-Mail Envy."
It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
If you play with it too much, you could go blind.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman get captured by pirates. The pirate captain tells them,
"I'm going to give you all 40 lashes with the cat-o-nine-tails, but it's my birthday today so I shall allow you to wear one item on your back".
The Irishman is tied to the mast and the captain asks what he'd like to wear,
"I'll keep my donkey jacket on", the first few lashes cut through his jacket and after 40 he needs to be carried away.
The Scotsman is brought forward and tied to the mast. When the captain asks what he wants to wear the Scotsman spits on the deck and replies,
"Nothing". He stands firm through the 40 lashes and when they untie him he laughs at the captain and walks away.
The Englishman is brought forward and the captain asks,
"And what do you want to cover your back?" The Englishman thinks for a moment and replies,
" The Scotsman ".
:)
While on the subject of pirates :D
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
A very gay football referee (this is well funny) :D
http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/a...egayestref.wmv