Nothin better than sitten in bed and smokin a blunt with ur wife....hopefully she'll change. my mom is a religious nut but she smokes daily with my dad so theres definitely hope but pouring Tylenol pm into ur mouth is no joke
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Nothin better than sitten in bed and smokin a blunt with ur wife....hopefully she'll change. my mom is a religious nut but she smokes daily with my dad so theres definitely hope but pouring Tylenol pm into ur mouth is no joke
Good post.
I hope she doesn't try to pull some kind of religious "Intervention" on you...
Keep pickin' at her... maybe she'll come around.
Hey JSN, I remember your last thread well too, I think most of us are baffled to how you ended up in this marriage which makes it harder to give advice.
In short what is it that originally drew you to her, why do you love her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jsn9333
shes really messed up. no offence ;p
glad to see you making a stand for what you believe it. if you cant be happy with yourself, you and her will never have a good relationship.
thats really insightful dude.Quote:
I'm not trying to sway you from your beliefs. But maybe it's time to question why you believe what you do. It's so liberating when you find a new state of mind and spirit. I believe that this life is pretty much what you get, so make the best of it. There's bumpy parts, but nothing that YOU, YOURSELF, can't get through. If believing in God and asking for his/help gets you through...so be it, but know that the outcome would be the same if you had a lucky rabbits foot.
What originally drew me to her, believe it or not, is that she can be a bit more laid back then a lot of the girls I grew up around. I've never bought the Southern Baptist "party line", so, for instance I always drank wine once I turned 21 even if my pastor didn't approve, etc. I could read for myself that Christ and made wine in the Bible, so I respected that more then whatever BS my pastor spouted. She didn't mind that. She didn't drink, but she didn't freak when I did (at least not most of the time). In essence, she didn't buy the party line either... well, at least she bought it less then most of the Baptists I grew up around. She could think for herself a little bit. I liked that. So we started hanging out.Quote:
Originally Posted by NextLineIsMine
The thing is, I hadn't looked at the the other doctrines of the Southern Baptists hard enough. I believed them that the New Testament taught that there is to be no sex before marriage. I never looked into it deeply enough to see they were actually twisting that too. Now that I've smoked the Holy Herb and re-thought why I believe what I believe, a little deeper investigation reveals that "Abstinence Before Marriage" is nowhere in the New Testament. But my wife and I both believed in "waiting" at the time we met, so essentially we got married really quickly... most likely b/c we both wanted that intimacy. We didn't even open mouth kiss one time before being married.
The end result is that we never really had time to judge if we were compatible. We're not. Hopefully someday we can grow to be... but sex is just not something that comes naturally to us. I have been with girls where sex was natural (before I became a Southern Baptist), and with her it is just not. "Like molesting a corpse" is what comes to mind, to be frankly honest. Some of that may be nervousness on her end, or the result of an abusive relationship she was in before she met me... stuff that hopefully counseling could help. Some of it, on the other hand, may be just naturally differences. I like to open mouth kiss... she doesn't seem to. Stuff like that.
So I don't know. I'm definitely going to take Stinky's advice and try to get us back to a counselor. We did go see one for a few sessions and it seemed to be helpful. My wife has some issues that counseling can help. I have my own issues as well. For instance, when the sex was going horribly at first I turned to pornography on the web. That was a horrible thing to do. I'm not trying to judge anyone, and for some couples that may be great for them. But for me it was the same as cheating... it was something I hid from her and something I tried to replace her with. I should have invested that energy in trying to help our own problems. She ended up seeing some of it on the computer and freaked. So when we saw a counselor, that helped me to understand how important it is that I focus on her. Also, hopefully, it helped her understand she needs to be a little more open. I don't know...
So... I certainly haven't helped things. I'm not perfect either. But I'm no longer going to hide weed from my wife. If she leaves me because of it, so be it. But as for me leaving her, I don't feel yet that is an option. I made an oath before God and my wife, and I intend to keep it. I may not be a Southern Baptist, but I will always be a Christian. I can't help that. Christ was around long before the Southern Baptists tried to steal Him, and the true, historical Christ is One that will always have my faith. He is part of who I am. He has done things for me I simply can't deny. And right now, for the time being at least, I feel led to stay in this.
Plus I feel a responsibility toward my wife b/c I asked her to marry me. To have done that and then leave would be a real asshole-ish thing to do, in my opinion. I guess you could say I love her too much to do that to her. She does not want me to leave even with this cannabis thing (at least not yet), so I won't leave. Granted the marriage was probably a mistake (at least from the sexual perspective, which is huge), but it is the hand I've dealt myself and I'm not one to give up easily. I will be who I am and I will be real (ie cannabis), but I will not give up on her.
If this is meant to work out, then I have faith that it will work out for the best. In the Bible God turns mistakes into triumphs over and over. He's done it before in my life... and perhaps he'll do it again. I'm going to try not to get in the way. Who knows, maybe someday she'll open up to the magic herb and it will be the key that helps her beat some of her past issues... you never know. Then maybe we'll turn into the "Couple's Counselors Crusading for Cannabis." Alright, maybe my hopes are set too high. I guess I should just focus right now on making sure she doesn't kill herself.
Buzzkill....:buzz_saw:
Counceling is a good thing, and some decent *tastefull* porn is useful as "training films". But both have to not just want to be open and have a "normal" relationship, but both have to work to understand and change your lifestyle and expectations for it to work.
From what you have posted, she has some control issues that need to be delt with.
She also needs to loosen up some. Your comment about "molesting a corpse" brings to mind another thread on here about a guy and a picnic table?? Maybe try to explain to her that "making love" is a shared intimacy between a couple, and that's what you want from her, that you can find a knot hole in a board anywhere.
I suppose another aspect of what attracted me to her are her beautiful eyes, nice rack, and other features. I never really looked at her much though, after hearing and trying to apply an over-zealous interpretation of Matthew 5:27. That's the Bible verse where Jesus says:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Nevermind that Jesus was talking about married, totally monogamous people there... this pastor I had applied that to single people and convinced us we were doing wrong if we even looked at each other "sexually."
That is so fucking stupid and wrong, but even more stupid is the fact that I bought it hook line and sinker. I asked this girl to marry me not knowing her at all sexually and barely knowing her personally (we dated for 4 months and were engaged just as long). That was extremely fool-hardy of me, but I did it. That's why I say I can't help but feel responsible for creating this mess, so I don't want to ruin her life by leaving her and just make the mess I've made even worse.
At some point I might be making it worse for her (by making her so uncomfortable with my lifestyle) then if I just left. But I guess I'm going to leave it to her to make that decision. That is just a hard call for me to make. I want to do good to her, not evil, and I want to put her needs above my own. Right now, for me, that means not leaving her if she doesn't want me to. I'm going to try to do what I can on my end to make this work and to love her while being true to myself.
Thanks for all your advice, every one of you. All your perspectives are well taken. I'm sure I'll get better advice here then from my former pastor, that's for damn sure. :rasta:
"Watch out for the Devil with a Blue Dress on"- Mitch Ryder
Looking lustfully and admiring someone's beauty in a complimentary way are not necessarily the same thing. Telling her she has a nice rack would probably make her uncomfortable from the sounds of it, but saying 'dear, you look lovely this morning' in a non-sexual situation, like when you are on your way to work and kissing her goodbye, might help her get used to being seen as beautiful, if that is something that she has insecurities about.
So often it is our insecurities that cause problems with relationships, especially romantic ones, rather than actual events or issues- she needs something to make her self-worth go up, that has NOTHING to do with you- like an academic accomplishment or a position of authority at work or even winning the annual chili cook-off. As I said before, it sounds as if she clings to you for approval and really a whole outlook on reality, if finding out things about you that are not actually that serious in the big scheme of things would shake her so badly. Looking at pr0n on teh intertubez= eww, but not worth freaking about. Gambling away your joint checking account= worth freaking out about. Smoking pot= worrisome to many, but not the end of the world. Acquiring any of a number of physical addictions that change you permanently and cause financial hardship or behaviour changes= Worth freaking about. The porn thing is totally related to her self image. If my man had a stack of Playboy on the back of the crapper, who cares! He still comes to bed with me at night, right? If someone relaxes with weed, that's their thing that they do. I'd rather be involved with a pothead than, say, a scratch-ticket addict. REALLY!
Chicklet needs a hobby for her confidence, and a real-life circle of friends that includes some diversity. It takes ALL of us to make the world go around! Being very sheltered has made her who she is, and it is scary to come out of your comfort zone and blink at the light of a new day. If you are close emotionally, you can make her feel protected while she chews the whole thing over.