stoner jokes

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the fucking light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME FUCKING CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What was the question?

Lulu,
you're killing me. That is hilarious! my stomach fuckin' hurts from laughing... absolutely fuckin hilarious.

guy walks into a bar, sits down next to a hot lookin female. orders a drink and looks at the female and says, "Can I smell your cunt?"

Female is outraged and snaps, "CERTAINLY NOT!!!!"













guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Must be your feet then."

What does a guy pay a prostitute for?


























To leave.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the
poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long he
discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The
poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims
loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if
there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride,
a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the
trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle
nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from
a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard
is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get
close enough to hear, the poodle says, "Where's that damn
monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
LEOPARD!!!
:D

LMAO that was great Lulu!