Told My Wife Yesterday That I Burn

(Quick Background, for those of you who missed a post of mine earlier in the year: My wife and I were both "born and raised ultra-conservatives" who got married a couple years ago. We didn't sleep with each other before getting married, and have experienced a whole lot of sexual, intimacy, and emotional incompatibility. We make good friends, but horrible lovers. It's just been fucked up. But anyway, I subsequently became a bit more liberal and started to smoke pot, without telling her since I didn't need do deal with her shit. I initially started as a means to escape some of the problems were were having. I have since realized that cannabis should by no means be illegal, etc. and have decided I need to be 100% honest with her.)

Anyway. I told her yesterday that I have started smoking/vaporizing sometimes on the weekends and that it is going to be a permanent lifestyle change. She flipped out. She started hyperventilating, and went and sat near my corner of our bedroom where I keep my .357 Magnum handgun. She wouldn't respond to anything I said to try to calm her down, she just stared into nowhere hyperventilating. At one point she threw up, which I was able to catch in my shirt. She then went and talked about how she wanted to "go to sleep" and tried to take like 20 Tylenol PM. I didn't buy it, and didn't try to stop her. She acted like she threw up the second she put them in her mouth and spit them all in the sink. I think it was all an act to get me to promise not to smoke in order to stop her. But who knows.

Anyway, she told me to get out of the house. I told her I'd be happy to. Then as I was packing my things and getting ready to call the cops (for fear she'd destroy some of my more expensive things while I was at my car) and she stopped me and started talking again. She kept asking me to promise not to smoke again and crying and shit. I told her I wasn't going to do that.

She told me it upset her that I'd be happy to leave. I told her I find my happiness in God, not in her or anyone else. I told her I'd rather not leave, but if I have to then I'd find peace in that. I told her maybe she wouldn't be so miserable if she pursued her relationship with God more. (She hasn't prayed in a long time, I guess she is sort of like one of those nominal Christians who just go to church and try to be good and think that is all that is involved in a relationship with God). I asked her if she'd ever prayed about if marijuana is evil or bad, asking for God to help bring her to the right conclusion (through study, or the Bible, or whatever). She said no. I said maybe she should do that instead of just listening to what dumb-ass pastors say about it, and she agreed. I guess I didn't marry a *complete* idiot.

We then had a talk about why it isn't such a bad drug, and how my using it would be no different then how I responsibly drink beer or wine or whatever now and again. Actually, it would be even less "dangerous" then alcohol. She said she doesn't think anything should be used to escape reality, and that especially since it is illegal it should just be avoided. I told her the laws are bullshit and that this country has a long history of horrible laws.

I also told her that the fucking TV she watches all fucking evening every night is as much or more of an "escape from reality" as any drug I use. I hate that thing, and I always ask her to turn it off and she never does. So finally, just to end the bullshit since I was hungry and emotionally drained and just wanted to go eat lunch in peace, I agreed that we would talk more about it in the coming days. I agreed that I wouldn't smoke any pot for the time being as long as she didn't watch any TV, and we would talk more about it.

I am not going to give in to her on this issue... so we'll see how it goes. Honestly, I would've divorced her a year ago except I strongly believe in the commitments two people make with each other at the altar. The way I see it, I asked her to marry me and I agreed to not have sex before we were married... so I am responsible for this and I just have to own up to the situation I put myself in. To women like her, divorce is worse then killing them... and I just don't think I can do that to her given my responsibility in creating the situation we're in.

So... we'll see how this works out. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers (if you are a believer in a Higher Being) or feel free to give advice, etc.

best,
jsn9333

Holy shit man, get a divorce already and save yourself the fucking heartache!

Your married to an attention addicted nut job.

I'm sure "god" wouldn't approve of this crap (But I'm a firm Atheist so what do I know).

I hate television too and see it as the NUMBER ONE thing that has led to the apathy of the masses and the wholesale meltdown of our culture into a crap-obsessed consumer-ocracy... And anyone who fakes a suicide attempt for attention or to prove a point needs a SHRINK. Your missus got issues. Counselor time. If she's gonna have a nervous breakdown because you smoke pot, her whole reality is way too shaky for you to hold together for her... she's got to hold that shit together for HERSELF.

It sounds as if your faith is serving you well, at least. I consider myself an agnostic at best, but one thing I know is that if any higher power exists, he would most certainly judge us on the good in our hearts and our kindness towards others more than anything else... something tells me that smoking a weed that needs no human intervention (like alcohol does) to provide us with its psychoactive properties (and if you believe in Creationism, then all plants are gifts from God- God did not, however, invent beer!) would be RATHER low on the list of priorities... somewhere AFTER making sure our damn brains don't turn to mush from too much Desperate Housewives...
To be quite practical about it though, you might want to tell one of her relatives she's playing the pill-OD game so they can talk some damn SENSE into that woman.
Good luck man, wherever your path takes you.

she sounds like a 'keeper' to me :wtf: ... I got 4 ex-wives that are ALL crazier than that :D ...

This is tough.

That post above me, although only my opinion, is terrible advice. *when i started writing this...post #2 was the post above me...not Image reaper's)

I'll be as concise as i can.

I grew up in a VERY strict Christian home. My mom and step dad are religious FANATICS. They have no friends...not even christian friends because they are so over zealous they scare everyone away. They raised my sister and i that way. In grade school, we would have halloween parties where kids would pass out candy in the class...my mom made me hand out christian tracts (little brochures explaining the salvation process and the consequences of rejecting Christ) And i would have to sit there and listen to kids read them to each other and laugh.

My biological father has refused all religion since i was born. My mom and stepdad had me convinced he was going to hell and when i was about 7 years old i tried to 'witness' to him and save his soul because mom and step dad scared the ever living shit out of me. I cried and was so afraid for my dad...and he thought it was the most fucked up thing ever and all of my parents had a huge fight.

So we have gone to countless churches that we become heavily involved in and then the church eventually splits over some bullshit doctrine and we are out on our asses looking for a new 'perfect' church family.

So I am Spiritually/Religiously fucked up thanks to my mom and step dad. They wouldn't let me listen to any worldly music, watch movies, etc.

come Middle school i started rebelling. It started with music and new friends. In high school i started smoking weed and that's when it all started turning around.

I have embraced christian teachings and values since birth. why? because i had no other choice. I would even go far enough to say i was 'spiritually abused' if that exists....

Basically my view is this. religion as a whole is like saying "which comic book do you subscribe to?" because it is all as fantastic and irrational and supernatural as the next religion. Who says Christianity is the way? a bunch of white conservatives trying to beat everyone into submission...And it's the same for any other religion. So as of late (past 2 years) i have said fuck all of it. And i gotta tell ya, life has been SWEET since then. Basically, Cannabis is my religion. Everything is from the earth. Everything will some day return to the Earth, whether by catastrophe or natural process. Weed helps bring me back to earth. Not like i was in space, but it gets my mind out of the "Make money, buy tons of shit, expand, exploit..." and all that other consumerism/capitalism american bullshit. starting to rant...i'll get back to it.

My wife is very much the same way. She grew up in a christian home, much more relaxed that mine, but she understands the principles.

we got married when we were 21 and didn't wait for marriage to have sex. We knew each other inside and out before we got married. We knew every disgusting habit, every crack of humor, every annoying thing about each other. Marriage was not a commitment involving GOD, or any other bullshit. It was a commitment between the greatest female i have ever dreamed of and myself. Our wedding day was the lowest point of our marriage because it has only gotten better since then.

We both use cannabis on a daily basis. we both love it and we both are involved in growing it. Our two lives are literally one.

I am sorry that you and your wife aren't seeing eye to eye. If i still believed in prayer i would pray for you, you will be in my thoughts. I think you did the right thing being honest with her. I'm sure it was a hard pill for her to swallow. There may not be any reconciliation. All the lifestyle changes in our lives were made together and somewhat gradually, hand in hand, side by side. i couldn't imagine trying to spring something like this.

I don't know you or your wife, but it sounds hectic. From what you described, all the pills and hand guns sound rather theatrical. She probably has no idea how to react to this so outrageous and irrational makes the most sense to her. More than likely she wants to hurt herself to get back at you, teach you a lesson. Don't give in to that shit. It has nothing to do with you and don't blame yourself for anything that happens. Do your best to talk about it as much as possible, relate to her and try to be kind. Show her you are still the same guy she met long ago, but things just aren't making as much sense as they did back in the day.

Use your head, you sound pretty straight. I wouldn't up and leave, divorce is a big deal (religious or not). If she's a good girl then stick it out, it's not easy. I just hope you can tell when there is no hope and don't drag out the inevitable.

I'm not trying to sway you from your beliefs. But maybe it's time to question why you believe what you do. It's so liberating when you find a new state of mind and spirit. I believe that this life is pretty much what you get, so make the best of it. There's bumpy parts, but nothing that YOU, YOURSELF, can't get through. If believing in God and asking for his/help gets you through...so be it, but know that the outcome would be the same if you had a lucky rabbits foot.

sheesh...what a mouthful. i could go on forever but i may be starting to babble. Be honest with her, be honest with yourself. Cannabis is NOT WRONG...it's only illegal because some asshole said it. That's all.

Good luck. I genuinely care. keep me posted.

Skeet

I remember your post from before and i'm proud of you for having the courage to be honest and stand by your beliefs. The truth hurts, in many more ways then one. Personally, i have weed but i don't have contentment, the only thing that felt like that for me was being with someone, i've learned painfully and through lonliness and rejection what my priorities really are. We've had threads like sex or weed and i would now say i'd prefer a women over weed. Not because of sex, that was an example. I'd prefer to have both though so i'm still fighting for my dream, it sounds so stupid, i just wanna smoke in peace with a g/f, it sounds like you do too. Perhaps she isn't 'the one'

wow friend, that is quite a scenario.

i think a more serious problem, one that doesn't have to do with weed, is that you and your wife are incompatible lovers.

what my religious beliefs are have nothing to do with this, but what you basically explain about not having sex until marriage and then finding out you're incompatible lovers, THAT is the #1 reason i do not believe abstinence until marriage. regardless of what any book or religion says, sex and love-making, or whatever you call it, is a large large part of having a relationship.

sexual fulfillment is a very big part of relationships, and it also helps with one's self image. it has a plethora of advantages that i can't even think about at the moment. perhaps that is a more important part of the story that needs addressing?

it's still fucked up about her dramatics. it really blows your mind when something like this happens and you begin to witness the true colors of an individual.

That some story mayn.

i dont even know where to begin with... this is the problem i find with "blind religiousness" people give up their god given ability to think and become puppets of bibles, qurans, pastors, churches or Imams:D;) n mosques... i would not name religions cuz i think all religions out there as defined have been fucked with internally by humankind so they are not pure word of god imo

perhaps the true and original ones were far better than what we precieve to be the Abrahamistic religions today

anyways, the same type of brainwashing is the root cause of this Islamic extremism and suicide bombing (heaven and 72 virgins waintin on ya buddy go blow yourself up and be ride heaven express to the skies!!) its just here we are dealing with a lower level of it and in a different culture. principle is the same

however, there is nothing u can do about one's past and one's firmly held opinions... at best u will be eroding on one's mind to change her slowly and gradually... which will probably fail and hurt both parties involved.

so here is my practical thinking for this situation:

I'm by no means any expert at these things but I have a few logical ideas which might help u, use at your own risk:

1.
If YOU WANT to be with her or prefer to do so for whatever reason there might be some chance for you to soften her beliefs.

Just google don miguel ruiz. he's a "healer" and a "prophet" if u could call it that. and i bet most Christians will find hardly anything to disagree with in his opinions

here is a quote

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Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means that we don't really like them. It is easier to find someone who is already the way you want him or her to be, instead of trying to change that person.

- Don Miguel Ruiz

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he has occasional tours and plans, in US & Mexico which u can attend and he is known worldwide .

He has a book out there called "The Four Agreements" try to persuade your wife to read that... audiobook of this title can do wonders.:thumbsup:

thats 1 idea u could try
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2.
somehow get her high, not on a potent sativa tho, on a mellower one, those that will have less of mind effect and heartbeat effect... this depends on her and you, u could ask her str8 up or u could just give her some brownies or in some other way trick her into trying it. she will get pissed (resistance phase) and probably mad at ya for a while or even just a few minutes... then she'll get the feelin kicking in(acceptance will kick in:thumbsup:)... try to make "THE BEST" 1st time experience for her talk to her keep it as relaxed as u can... experience is the best teacher of human kind. you yourself probably had a problem with weed until u tried it, did u not? in my view all conservatives as we know them in mainstream society will have a stance against marijuana by default... i am yet to see some1 who is firmly a conservative (religious type i mean) who does not have a problem with mj

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3.

somehow make her read this forum or at least this thread lol that may get ya into court and divorce, probably not a good idea but u never know how people may re-act... try to see if u can fact-feed her and undo the brainwashing... this is probably the hardest thing to do... but still an option
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4.
if u think none of this will work, kill the sick sheep(relationship) before it infects all of your cattle(your life, job, etc)... divorce is the final solution.

pain once, death one, suffering once. then u wont have a problem suffering and struggling
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shit... thats why i will never ever marry until i know what kind of a deal im getting inside out! i prefer to be looked @ as a loser living single lifestyle forever than wanting to fall into marriage trap... when the right woman is found, i will know it, with my brain and not my feelings

been in love a number of times and never worked out the way i wanted it... u cant control ppl, u gotta find an identical match and even then people may change... so u gotta find some1 who has principles of THINKING that are like yours so even if her opinion changes her base of thinking remains the same, donno how to explain it better

anyways, I wish whatever thats better for you happens and btw way to go on having the courage to assert your will for your own sake despite all the reactions. remember, as an example and imo, out of a couple one can end up in hell and one can go to heaven (assuming there are such things after life) so live YOUR life the way YOU want it... u wont be judged together thats for sure... at the end of this world and in the judgment day if there are such things again we will all stand alone for our very own actions and alone, aint nobodys momma or wife will be coming to help cuz they'll be busy with their own affairs then.

For some reason this post i just read and the glance Oprah show i had today makes me feel like she needs to put up a program about marijuana and all the misconceptions against it... if women change their minds, no1 can say no to them anymore... thats just my feeling no offense to people of opposite sex :D i feel females can always achieve more in group form and in struggle form than men ever will!

i'm ramblin again, so im out!

Your original post a while back was actually the first post I ever read on Cannabis.com, and after I read your post I joined. I'm glad you're back man and glad you told your wife :thumbsup:

:jointsmile::jointsmile::rastasmoke:

Hey JSN, your name ain't Todd Palin is it?

Nothin better than sitten in bed and smokin a blunt with ur wife....hopefully she'll change. my mom is a religious nut but she smokes daily with my dad so theres definitely hope but pouring Tylenol pm into ur mouth is no joke

Good post.
I hope she doesn't try to pull some kind of religious "Intervention" on you...
Keep pickin' at her... maybe she'll come around.

Hey JSN, I remember your last thread well too, I think most of us are baffled to how you ended up in this marriage which makes it harder to give advice.

In short what is it that originally drew you to her, why do you love her?

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Originally Posted by jsn9333

Anyway. I told her yesterday that I have started smoking/vaporizing sometimes on the weekends and that it is going to be a permanent lifestyle change. She flipped out. She started hyperventilating, and went and sat near my corner of our bedroom where I keep my .357 Magnum handgun. She wouldn't respond to anything I said to try to calm her down, she just stared into nowhere hyperventilating. At one point she threw up, which I was able to catch in my shirt. She then went and talked about how she wanted to "go to sleep" and tried to take like 20 Tylenol PM. I didn't buy it, and didn't try to stop her. She acted like she threw up the second she put them in her mouth and spit them all in the sink. I think it was all an act to get me to promise not to smoke in order to stop her. But who knows.

Anyway, she told me to get out of the house. I told her I'd be happy to. Then as I was packing my things and getting ready to call the cops (for fear she'd destroy some of my more expensive things while I was at my car) and she stopped me and started talking again. She kept asking me to promise not to smoke again and crying and shit. I told her I wasn't going to do that.

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shes really messed up. no offence ;p

glad to see you making a stand for what you believe it. if you cant be happy with yourself, you and her will never have a good relationship.

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I'm not trying to sway you from your beliefs. But maybe it's time to question why you believe what you do. It's so liberating when you find a new state of mind and spirit. I believe that this life is pretty much what you get, so make the best of it. There's bumpy parts, but nothing that YOU, YOURSELF, can't get through. If believing in God and asking for his/help gets you through...so be it, but know that the outcome would be the same if you had a lucky rabbits foot.

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thats really insightful dude.

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Originally Posted by NextLineIsMine

Hey JSN, I remember your last thread well too, I think most of us are baffled to how you ended up in this marriage which makes it harder to give advice.

In short what is it that originally drew you to her, why do you love her?

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What originally drew me to her, believe it or not, is that she can be a bit more laid back then a lot of the girls I grew up around. I've never bought the Southern Baptist "party line", so, for instance I always drank wine once I turned 21 even if my pastor didn't approve, etc. I could read for myself that Christ and made wine in the Bible, so I respected that more then whatever BS my pastor spouted. She didn't mind that. She didn't drink, but she didn't freak when I did (at least not most of the time). In essence, she didn't buy the party line either... well, at least she bought it less then most of the Baptists I grew up around. She could think for herself a little bit. I liked that. So we started hanging out.

The thing is, I hadn't looked at the the other doctrines of the Southern Baptists hard enough. I believed them that the New Testament taught that there is to be no sex before marriage. I never looked into it deeply enough to see they were actually twisting that too. Now that I've smoked the Holy Herb and re-thought why I believe what I believe, a little deeper investigation reveals that "Abstinence Before Marriage" is nowhere in the New Testament. But my wife and I both believed in "waiting" at the time we met, so essentially we got married really quickly... most likely b/c we both wanted that intimacy. We didn't even open mouth kiss one time before being married.

The end result is that we never really had time to judge if we were compatible. We're not. Hopefully someday we can grow to be... but sex is just not something that comes naturally to us. I have been with girls where sex was natural (before I became a Southern Baptist), and with her it is just not. "Like molesting a corpse" is what comes to mind, to be frankly honest. Some of that may be nervousness on her end, or the result of an abusive relationship she was in before she met me... stuff that hopefully counseling could help. Some of it, on the other hand, may be just naturally differences. I like to open mouth kiss... she doesn't seem to. Stuff like that.

So I don't know. I'm definitely going to take Stinky's advice and try to get us back to a counselor. We did go see one for a few sessions and it seemed to be helpful. My wife has some issues that counseling can help. I have my own issues as well. For instance, when the sex was going horribly at first I turned to pornography on the web. That was a horrible thing to do. I'm not trying to judge anyone, and for some couples that may be great for them. But for me it was the same as cheating... it was something I hid from her and something I tried to replace her with. I should have invested that energy in trying to help our own problems. She ended up seeing some of it on the computer and freaked. So when we saw a counselor, that helped me to understand how important it is that I focus on her. Also, hopefully, it helped her understand she needs to be a little more open. I don't know...

So... I certainly haven't helped things. I'm not perfect either. But I'm no longer going to hide weed from my wife. If she leaves me because of it, so be it. But as for me leaving her, I don't feel yet that is an option. I made an oath before God and my wife, and I intend to keep it. I may not be a Southern Baptist, but I will always be a Christian. I can't help that. Christ was around long before the Southern Baptists tried to steal Him, and the true, historical Christ is One that will always have my faith. He is part of who I am. He has done things for me I simply can't deny. And right now, for the time being at least, I feel led to stay in this.

Plus I feel a responsibility toward my wife b/c I asked her to marry me. To have done that and then leave would be a real asshole-ish thing to do, in my opinion. I guess you could say I love her too much to do that to her. She does not want me to leave even with this cannabis thing (at least not yet), so I won't leave. Granted the marriage was probably a mistake (at least from the sexual perspective, which is huge), but it is the hand I've dealt myself and I'm not one to give up easily. I will be who I am and I will be real (ie cannabis), but I will not give up on her.

If this is meant to work out, then I have faith that it will work out for the best. In the Bible God turns mistakes into triumphs over and over. He's done it before in my life... and perhaps he'll do it again. I'm going to try not to get in the way. Who knows, maybe someday she'll open up to the magic herb and it will be the key that helps her beat some of her past issues... you never know. Then maybe we'll turn into the "Couple's Counselors Crusading for Cannabis." Alright, maybe my hopes are set too high. I guess I should just focus right now on making sure she doesn't kill herself.

Buzzkill....:buzz_saw:

Counceling is a good thing, and some decent *tastefull* porn is useful as "training films". But both have to not just want to be open and have a "normal" relationship, but both have to work to understand and change your lifestyle and expectations for it to work.
From what you have posted, she has some control issues that need to be delt with.
She also needs to loosen up some. Your comment about "molesting a corpse" brings to mind another thread on here about a guy and a picnic table?? Maybe try to explain to her that "making love" is a shared intimacy between a couple, and that's what you want from her, that you can find a knot hole in a board anywhere.

I suppose another aspect of what attracted me to her are her beautiful eyes, nice rack, and other features. I never really looked at her much though, after hearing and trying to apply an over-zealous interpretation of Matthew 5:27. That's the Bible verse where Jesus says:

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Nevermind that Jesus was talking about married, totally monogamous people there... this pastor I had applied that to single people and convinced us we were doing wrong if we even looked at each other "sexually."

That is so fucking stupid and wrong, but even more stupid is the fact that I bought it hook line and sinker. I asked this girl to marry me not knowing her at all sexually and barely knowing her personally (we dated for 4 months and were engaged just as long). That was extremely fool-hardy of me, but I did it. That's why I say I can't help but feel responsible for creating this mess, so I don't want to ruin her life by leaving her and just make the mess I've made even worse.

At some point I might be making it worse for her (by making her so uncomfortable with my lifestyle) then if I just left. But I guess I'm going to leave it to her to make that decision. That is just a hard call for me to make. I want to do good to her, not evil, and I want to put her needs above my own. Right now, for me, that means not leaving her if she doesn't want me to. I'm going to try to do what I can on my end to make this work and to love her while being true to myself.

Thanks for all your advice, every one of you. All your perspectives are well taken. I'm sure I'll get better advice here then from my former pastor, that's for damn sure. :rasta:

"Watch out for the Devil with a Blue Dress on"- Mitch Ryder

Looking lustfully and admiring someone's beauty in a complimentary way are not necessarily the same thing. Telling her she has a nice rack would probably make her uncomfortable from the sounds of it, but saying 'dear, you look lovely this morning' in a non-sexual situation, like when you are on your way to work and kissing her goodbye, might help her get used to being seen as beautiful, if that is something that she has insecurities about.

So often it is our insecurities that cause problems with relationships, especially romantic ones, rather than actual events or issues- she needs something to make her self-worth go up, that has NOTHING to do with you- like an academic accomplishment or a position of authority at work or even winning the annual chili cook-off. As I said before, it sounds as if she clings to you for approval and really a whole outlook on reality, if finding out things about you that are not actually that serious in the big scheme of things would shake her so badly. Looking at pr0n on teh intertubez= eww, but not worth freaking about. Gambling away your joint checking account= worth freaking out about. Smoking pot= worrisome to many, but not the end of the world. Acquiring any of a number of physical addictions that change you permanently and cause financial hardship or behaviour changes= Worth freaking about. The porn thing is totally related to her self image. If my man had a stack of Playboy on the back of the crapper, who cares! He still comes to bed with me at night, right? If someone relaxes with weed, that's their thing that they do. I'd rather be involved with a pothead than, say, a scratch-ticket addict. REALLY!

Chicklet needs a hobby for her confidence, and a real-life circle of friends that includes some diversity. It takes ALL of us to make the world go around! Being very sheltered has made her who she is, and it is scary to come out of your comfort zone and blink at the light of a new day. If you are close emotionally, you can make her feel protected while she chews the whole thing over.

im happy that you're starting to think for your self jsn. cause if you cant do that whats the point in living ?

Totally reminds me of American Beauty. lol

lol, I didn't want to say anything since this is kind of a serious thread, but I thought of that movie right after i opened this thread. Mainly the scene where he's driving rocking out to american woman and smoking a J hahah, i love American Beauty! I want some of that awesome green his neighbor had.

You should tell your wife to read the bible.
In it, it talks about how all the herb on the earth was given for mankind to use and enjoy. It even prophecises how marijuana will become banned. But obviously these "convenient christians" will gloss over things like this. And the fact that the bible is strictly against being drunk off wine/liquor just shows how much hypocritical our christian society is because we all know how "christians" love to drink

My advice to you is to work it out with her. Conflicts make relationships stronger in the long run. Dont be weak and quit. And read the bible more, because basically every problem youll ever have has been a subject in the bible.
As for your sexual life, my advice to you is to stay away from the porn. But what does help are books that give you advice of how to make the experience more pleasurable. Sex is a BIG part of marriage. A healthy sex life will make you and your wive's life much better

Hopefully she will see the truth in marijuana and you all may be able to share this wonderful experience together

Thanks for coming back and letting us know. I was thinking of you a few days ago and thought about hunting you down! Appreciate to see you are doing all the things advised, as I recall, from earlier! Nice going! :jointsmile:

I assume she does this on other issues you two dont agree on eather? Sucks dude, i'd snap if I lived with a women on those standards. Good luck. Sex sucks? get her to smoke some weed.

you got what you deserved for rushing into marriage. harsh, but true. you married someone you had never had sex with? that is nuts. just crazy. someone you cant even trust and have to hide things from. man what were you thinking, clearly you didn't love her if the we make horrible lovers line is an indicator, so why the hell did you marry her? just to say you had a wife? prove you werent gay? im at a loss here.

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Originally Posted by norkali

Totally reminds me of American Beauty. lol

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hajhahahaha great scene

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Originally Posted by suhl

you got what you deserved for rushing into marriage. harsh, but true. you married someone you had never had sex with? that is nuts. just crazy. someone you cant even trust and have to hide things from. man what were you thinking, clearly you didn't love her if the we make horrible lovers line is an indicator, so why the hell did you marry her? just to say you had a wife? prove you werent gay? im at a loss here.

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Crazy? Nuts? Right on. You Are Correct. Welcome to the world of Southern Baptists. All i can say is I was raised in an extremely conservative version of Christianity, and I bought it.

I mean, I take responsibility for it... but sometimes its tough to go against everything all your family and most of your friends go with growing up. The thing that makes a lot of Southern Baptist kids buy the faith hook line and sinker is that there is a lot of truth to the religion. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of bullshit. But all the true Christian stuff, love your neighbor as yourself, etc... and Christ. There is so much good that is taught in His words. Then you just assume the pastors and family are right when they tell you "this verse means don't have sex before marriage", "this verse means don't 'do drugs'", etc. Sure, they teach that reading the bible for yourself is good... but no one actually does it. I am probably rare in that I read the entire Bible as a Southern Baptist and am not a pastor. Southern Baptists mostly are like a cult... they go and listen to the pastor and that's it. And so everyone just believes all the traditional distortions of the Bible that are traditionally taught.

I guess what happened, like I said, is that we started dating, we were getting along pretty well, and (at least in my case) I was probably so horny I just figured I might as well do this thing. That isn't what I was thinking specifically, but it is most likely what was going on sub-consciously. What I was thinking specifically was "why wait?" And given that we were convinced not to have sex until marriage, that was actually true. What was the point of waiting? We liked hanging out. I wasn't going to get to know her sexually by having dinner with her. Sure, we talked about sex (as much as we could without "lusting")... but when two people are dating they tend to put themselves in the best light. She of course didn't reveal any of her problems... she probably didn't even know she had them.

So... what I got was totally not what I expected. She feels the same way I'm sure. And our honeymoon night was a disaster. And it has not gotten much better (sexually). And southern baptists wonder why their divorce rate is not any lower then the rest of the world's... idiots. I was one of them though, so I'm just insulting myself I guess.

Then again, there are couples that have the best sex but can't stand to be around each other. Even with all these problems we enjoy being around each other. I don't know... right now I can't leave in good conscience. Maybe I should, for her good, even if she doesn't want me to. I don't know. There has got to be someone out there who is more compatible with her. But I just don't know.

All I know is having that stupid fucking TV off all week has been a God-send... no pun intended. It's almost worth giving up the weed. Almost. But not quite.

I respect you a lot for not getting a divorce with this woman, even if you have some issues that need to be sorted out. Divorce is a poor excuse for not trying. Good luck with your situation man.

there all the same bro...there all the same :vap_smiley:

personally, I think that if you're this unhappy in your marriage, then she probably is also, after all, marriage is a two-way street, and based on her strict conservative upbringing, she's probably in denial about her unhappiness (she wants it to work even at the cost of her own happiness). I think you should just have a series of open and honest discussions and really examine your marriage. I'm not neccessarily encouraging divorce, but it is possible that two people aren't right for each other, but before you even think about going down that road, you both have to realize that you are unhappy.

also, tell her that weed isn't an escape from reality, it just enhances reality.

If you are not compatible, it is like trying to build a house in quicksand! Get out! Since, I have some 'Southern Baptist" in me somewhere--I can tell you, it is not religion that is your problems. Did you say you got a good counselor? I seemed to have missed or forgot?

At least you came clean and are patient! You must feel better! You've been very supportive of her. Did you take any of Stinky Attic's advice--she is 110% correct! Even get involved in Bible study, women's volleyball or various activities with the Church women. She may find she is the only stuffy one there and loosen up! Regardless, you have a lot of work to do! Plus, you need to be as involved in the Church as you can, as well. Sex=children and if you two can't see eye to eye on things, you are gonna have a stone cold hard one! Good luck! :rastasmoke:

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Originally Posted by blizz

there all the same bro...there all the same :vap_smiley:

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Who women? You have got to be kidding me. That is terribly offensive.

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Originally Posted by rebgirl420

Who women? You have got to be kidding me. That is terribly offensive.

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I agree 100% that it is offensive, and its total bullshit, in all my life i have never came across two women that were the same.

I was raised Roman Catholic but I formed my own beliefs when the real world starting knocking on the door. I was agnostic for a while, and then I wasn't so sure. I went to a catholic high school too. These days I'm a devout athiest.

Just curious, what's your stance on your religion now that you're going through this? It's hard for me to see this through your eyes. Would you raise your kids up in your religion? Sorry to ask if it's impolite, and don't feel obligated to answer. Just curious. Always enjoy a good religious debate.

And if you ask me, weed is the one thing exempt from the yin yang theory. A smoker and a non-smoker cannot coexist in the same relationship. Friends are a different thing. As are parents. But not girlfriends/wives.

I don't mind you asking at all. It's a long answer though. I apologize.

I'm definitely still a Christian. I would never raise my children to be Southern Baptist though. But Christian? Yes, I would tell them about Christ and all that. (Of course I can't make the faith decision for them, and I wouldn't try to force anything on them... but I would of course tell them about my faith)

I became a Christian before I became a Southern Baptist. So in some ways I never really fit the Southern Baptist mold anyway. I only started going to a SB church when my parents moved me to the Southeast in high school. After that I got sucked into it. I was young and stupid I guess.

I have different reasons as to why I became a Christian and as to why I remain a Christian. I'll give the reasons for both.

The main reason I became a Christian has to do with an experience I had as a young man. At 13 years old I ran away to a Dead show in Miami. A guy walks up to me and says he's got some liquid drugs in this eye dropper type bottle. Offers me some. There's drugs everywhere, so I"m like... sure. He puts a drop or two on the back of my hand and he says "whatever you do, do NOT lick this shit." So of course, being a dumb ass 13 year old... he walks away and I lap it all up like a dog licking a puddle of steak drippings.

I know this forum is not for discussing other drugs, but this is part of the answer to your question so I'll just try to keep it brief. Let's not discuss this aspect (if we can help). I'll just say I was gone for a fucking year. The hallucinations stopped after a day or so, but I heard voices for a year. I had never heard them before that, but afterward I had voices basically controlling me. They would "prove" themselves to me by saying things like "Your dad is going to walk into your room right... right... NOW," and then my dad would walk in. So then I would start following what they said and it was just fucking crazy. I was pretty much schizophrenic.

They actually didn't stop until I became a Christian. I honestly think God made them stop, because the second I came to Christ in prayer (literally, the very second) the voices stopped and I never heard them again. I wasn't a believer before that, but I sure as hell was afterward. I had tried many things, seeing counselors, etc. and nothing worked.

Now, of course, that is nothing as far as tangible proof. That experience could be explained away as easily as it can be relied on. So, of course, there are different reasons as to why I remain a Christian.

As far reasons for remaining a man of faith, basically it has to do with the history of the Christian religion. I don't look to the actions of modern Christians, I look to the historical actions of Christ and the very first Christians. The Christian faith has as much historical support as most any event in history, as far as I can tell. One of the major reasons I say that is because I've never known any other group of men to give up their lives and die horrible, painful deaths for what they knew to be "fairy tales". Many skeptics claim the first Christians were just power hungry deceivers. That just can't be true, historically, as far as I'm concerned. The first disciples of Christ, history teaches us, were martyred for their faith and proclamation of personally witnessing Christ's resurrection.

I've known individual men who died for their own faith. For instance, Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism) died for his faith. He had placed his faith in the vision he supposedly had from God (with no witnesses, just himself). Or Muhammad (founder of Islam) died practicing his faith. He had placed his faith in the vision he supposedly had from God (with no witness, just himself).

But then again, both those men had other likely motivations. For instance, both men used their religion to justify taking multiple wives (some very young), and both men profited by taking land and fighting other's for land. History shows the 12 disciples did not take multiple wives, they did not take land, they did not make a lot of money. These men had a passion for preaching the good news that Christ rose from the dead and that we can all have peace with God and eternal life. Period. That's it. They died for their faith, destitute (by earthly standards).

I've never known 12 men willing to die such horrible deaths for a known lie, especially when they had no sexual or financial motive. They weren't the only ones though. Hundreds were recorded as having witnessed the resurrection, and hundreds and thousands were martyred. Maybe all these people were tripping on LSD. Maybe history was re-written to blot out records of the disciples taking many wives and much land in conquest. But I don't see any evidence of that.

On top of that, I find the Christian Scriptures (the New Testament) to be a tremendous source of wisdom and guidance. Through them and through prayer God has done multiple things in my life on par with the "deliverance from the voices" that I don't have time to relate here. So basically, my experiences with God and my examination of history and the Scriptures (on my own, apart from Southern Baptist traditions) are what make me and keep me a Christian.

The way I see it, God knew I was going to be in this situation long before I was even born. He has a reason for allowing everything he allows on earth, and this situation with my marriage will work itself out for the best. I fully believe that. I've seen it in other rough things I've been through. That belief is strong in me. I know it is true. Perhaps my wife doesn't, and that may be why she is threatening suicide and all that bullshit. Who knows...

P.S. - I don't mean to bash any other faith's, especially Islam and Mormonism. But the fact is, we all have reasons we might choose one faith over another. I don't mean to judge anyone, but I just aim to relate the reasons I have chosen my particular faith.

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Originally Posted by JohnnyZ

I was raised Roman Catholic but I formed my own beliefs when the real world starting knocking on the door. I was agnostic for a while, and then I wasn't so sure. I went to a catholic high school too. These days I'm a devout athiest.

Just curious, what's your stance on your religion now that you're going through this? It's hard for me to see this through your eyes. Would you raise your kids up in your religion? Sorry to ask if it's impolite, and don't feel obligated to answer. Just curious. Always enjoy a good religious debate.

And if you ask me, weed is the one thing exempt from the yin yang theory. A smoker and a non-smoker cannot coexist in the same relationship. Friends are a different thing. As are parents. But not girlfriends/wives.

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Man, jsn you gotta enable your Karma. That was a great explanation and so circumspect- it's refreshing to see someone who can step back and be so analytical about an issue as personal as their OWN faith.

So tell us... is the TV still off? ;) Talk about 'hearing voices'... TV destroys my spiritual peace, if that makes any sense. I feel your pain!

JSN9333, ive read your posts since very long ago, when you first commented about some problems you and your wife were having on your intimate life, and i remember much of your other posts too.

I must say that your last post surprised me very much. Today its very hard to find people with such amounts of faith and belief in any religion. I congratulate you for keeping your faith, and even more after having so much troubles caused by misguided "religious" leaders, like the ones from the church you mentioned. I think they usually do more harm than good to Christianism, as they make people hate it. Im very glad that you didnt left Christianism after going such church (what happens with many many people).

But i must say that even the strictest "rules" of Christianims has their reason to exist. Of course, the reasons are not so simple as "This is wrong because God decided so", but they are very deep, and need a lot of spiritual awareness to be understood, which many of this "religious" leaders have not, and so they only keep repeating and trying to enforce this "rules" because they were taught to do so, but they just dont know the reasons of the existence of this "rules".

Anyway... while i dont know very much what to say about your situation, as im single and its long since ive been in a relationship, i think i could give a bit of advice.
You said that you dont plan leaving your wife. I think its a very good decision of you. From what youve said it seems she didnt have any "first hand" experience with God, but was just "brainwashed" by her religion. I think its pretty bad, and probably its the reason why she seems so "mad". Being forced to follow a lot of strict rules without knowing and undertanding the reason for it can drive anyone pretty insane in the long run. So, as you seems to have a good relationship with God, i would advice you to ask Him to show Himself to her, to make her experience Him, not as a lot of rules and commandements, but in the same way He showed Himself to you, so she would understand and follow Him knowingly and by its own wish, as you do.

Also, i would advice you to dont try to convince her by words, but by action. When my parents married, my dad was very Catholic, and my mom Protestant. She was very worried about this, then she asked her minister and he said her she should not open her mouth to preach for him, but only show him the truth of her faith by her actions. And so she did. She never preached to my dad, but only lived and behaved as a firm believer. And it worked. Several years later, my dad had an experience with God, left the Catholicism and entered a Protestant church, of which he, my mom and sister are members now.

So, i would say for you to keep smoking, but dont try to convince her to smoke, or that its not bad, or whatever. She should notice the benefits of your smoking from your atitude, and from the changes (for better) it would bring to you. Also, i noticed that smoking can bring a lot of spiritual awareness, so it would be good for you to think about spiritual things when stoned, cause doing so you would increase very much you spirituality and wisdom. What would be, of course, very useful.

And, most important of all, i would say for you to ask Gods direction in everything you do, cause He is the one who knows all the ways, and while you were following His direction you will be doing always the best, for you and for everyone around you. Even if His directions were a bit "weird", or uncomprehensible, follow them, cause His sight reaches way far then ours, and so He knows better than us which is the better way to tread on.

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Originally Posted by stinkyattic

Man, jsn you gotta enable your Karma. That was a great explanation and so circumspect- it's refreshing to see someone who can step back and be so analytical about an issue as personal as their OWN faith.

So tell us... is the TV still off? ;) Talk about 'hearing voices'... TV destroys my spiritual peace, if that makes any sense. I feel your pain!

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Stinky,
Thanks. Analytical is definitely something I am... to a fault sometimes.

Yeah, the TV is definitely still off. You and I are so on the same page there. Now that you mention it, I do have more spiritual peace now. A *lot* more. When I'm immersed in the crap that is on that TV every night it just saps my joy. And even with half-way decent shows, I still get the the lies and propaganda the commercials spout every 10 minutes. Maybe some can deal with it better then others, but it just grinds me down.

Granted, there might be a happy medium, but for some reason the TV just sucks me in. There is no half-way with me. If I start watching it, I can't get up. It's like heroin... it just sucks you in and then steals your life. That's the way it is with me, at least.

My wife is having a hard time adjusting to it though. For her, it seems, it brings peace. Or at least she thinks it does... I have no idea.

You know, the other day she said I never relent in anything and it is always "my way or the highway". Of course that is complete bullshit, and the TV is actually the first thing that came to mind. I tossed my TV in the garbage when I was 16 years old and never looked back. Then, when we got married and started living together (that order should've been reversed) I asked her if we could get rid of the TV's. She very much didn't want to. So I relented. I told her how it affected me, and told her how important it was to me... but I deferred to her wishes.

I had tasted the peace that I enjoy so much with not having the TV on all the time. And nonetheless, I let her have her precious boob-tube and she has turned it on every night practically all night for these first years of our marriage. And I never "relent" to her? I guess she just believes whatever she wants to.

Everyone I've ever known and dated has said my personality is very laid back. I'm not a dominating person by any means. I'm planning on putting my foot down on this cannabis issue though. I just can't deal with her crying and carrying on (not to mention threats of suicide) right now. So, for now, as long as the TV stays off I won't toke. That's the deal. Come fall break, or perhaps the end of the semester, though, I'm going to finalize this issue once and for all.

For now I'll just keep trying to think it through and pray about it I guess. That TV being really helps clear my head and help me to think straight though. It has really been nice.