Questions about sending to a lab

I just found out I got a job like a month before anticipated, so therefore I hadn't stopped smoking until just this weekend :( My question is: I know that it will be sent off to a lab. Prior tests I've taken were just dipstick, but i've already gotten the paperwork that is to be sent to the lab with the urine.

A few questions: If they try to observe me, is there anything I can say that doesn't look suspicious but that reiterates the fact that I shouldn't HAVE to be observed, since its not for parole, etc?
If they do observe me, I've decided to try to "hide" some synthetic urine, in a condom in my vaginal canal. This sounds a bit crazy...but how the heck do I get it in there? A condom with 4 oz of water (i practiced once so far) just doesn't seem to want to...go. Something sturdier than a condom I can actually insert, but I'm having problems with the condom. Any other suggestions of anything that can be inserted and accessed without too many movements/noise/other things that might give it away?
Last question: I might also attempt a masking drink in case I don't feel that I can use the synthetic urine. Are there any drinks that stick out in your mind that have a very high success rate? AND it has to be undetectable by a lab.

Thanks all for any answers. I have wanted this particular job for years and it just now finally happening for me....in Palm Springs, no less! Any help would be very much appreciated!!!

xo
Mellow

If its not court related you won't be observed. If anyone tries tell them you can't pee with someone watching.
Go to the dollar store and pickup a bottle of travel shampoo or something similar and rinse it thoroughly. You only need 2 ounces. Get a thermometer so you can practice getting the temp right. If you buy synthetic urine it comes with a small bottle and a temp strip.
None of the detox or masking kits work. If you want a backup plan drink about 40 ounces of gatorade the morning of the UA, pee 3 or 4 times and use your midstream urine for the collection cup.