My wife doesn't know I use cannabis.

I am in a very messed up situation. Maybe some of the older members of the board can give me some advice from a toker's perspective, since I don't have any good friends that smoke that I can talk to. Please try to be mature as you read and respond as this is a very real, very painful, and very personal situation.

My wife doesn't know I smoke weed. If she asked me then I would tell her, because I would never lie to her. But she doesn't even suspect and I've never given her any reason to ask me. I'm thinking I need to tell her soon (or quit soon), but I want to give you some background and ask for advice.

Even though, at least at this point, I honestly believe our marriage was a mistake, I believe that no marriage is perfect and if we work on things we can make it work. I feel that I made vows to her and I have an obligation to her to always try to make the marriage work.

I don't know for sure whether or not she will kick me out of the house, but I guarantee if (or when) I tell her I want to use cannabis she is going to FLIP OUT. She is going to be mad as hell, she will probably call her parents and ask what to do... she very well might kick me out of the house and institute divorce proceedings. We've been married over two years. We don't have any children.

We were both raised in ultra-conservative Christian homes. We met and got married all in like 9 months. We were taught that in order to have sex you have to be married.... so there you go. LOL. By the way, I've now looked into the Bible myself (what a bright idea!) and the New Testament says nothing about having to marry your girlfriend in order to have sex with her. Needless to say, I've changed a lot since we got married, and she has not. (And yes, in case you are wondering, I was almost the 30 year old virgin... though I have dated a lot of women, they all have been the type that were "waiting for marriage", and I always obliged).

Anyway, you may not be surprised to find out that we have had a tough time at the marriage thing on many, many different levels... whether it be sexual, emotional, etc. She didn't want to go to counseling at first, but now that we've been married two years she has finally agreed to go with me. So we've been going to professional counseling... which has been good so far, but we have a ton of work to do.

The first time I smoked (since I was like 13 years old) was about 6 months after we got married. I was 27 years old, and I decided to smoke in order to escape from the stress at home. I had felt let down by the morals I was raised to believe in, and I decided to rebel against them. However, now I've realized that the plant is actually not an evil, illegal drug to use to "escape" reality, but is truly a medical and spiritual blessing from God that simply enhances life's reality.

I didn't want to talk to her about weed during the school year because I just finished my first year in law school, and I don't need to be getting kicked out of my house mid-semester. Plus she is a teacher and didn't need to be dealing with this during that time either. However, now I am just in one summer school class and she is "tracked out" from year-round school for the next 3 weeks. I feel like I have to decide to either tell her now that I am going to be a partaking in cannabis now and again or I need to quit.

Honestly, at this point I feel like our marriage is so difficult that if she leaves me over this... then so be it. I am not going to leave her, and I will do my best to comfort her and help her to understand. But, if she says, "choose either me or the weed," I feel like that would be the same thing as saying, "choose either me or listening to music." No one should have to make that choice... so I will not make it. I don't feel like I have an obligation to quit cannabis if that is what it comes down to.

So as it stands, I'm planning to tell her I use cannabis in the next few days (maybe in the next week) and deal with the hell that will follow. Do you have any advice? Do you think that is the right thing to do?

Honesty and trust are vital in any working relationship, my advice is to prepare yourself for the worst. You're living in secrecy, you're not being yourself. Tell her and attempt to persuade her it's not as bad as the media and government claim. There are plenty of studies that are pro cannabis. If she does ask you to make that choice then i wouldn't choose her, she should accept you for who you are, if cannabis makes you happy, then smoke it, regardless of anyone. You may be married but you should 'live for yourself, there's no one else more worth living for.'

Pretty much what Reefer said dude. I really feel for you bro, but you gotta tell her sooner or later. She WILL find out if you don't tell her, and it's better she knows from you. But yeah you already know this, so just... I dunno, there's not much you can do. Give her the facts about weed. If she loves you she should accept you for who you are. And what you do defines who you are. Not much more I can say, other than good luck, I'm hoping for the best dude.. Peace :)

Do you think that your not telling her about your Smoking is giving you a guilt complex about your marriage and causing you to have problems in the relationship.:)
If so maybe you should come clean.

I don't think guilt has anything to do with it. I started smoking cannabis because of the massive problems in our marriage... as a temporary escape, if you will. I don't believe it has caused the problems... we had very serious problems in our marriage from day one, literally.

I continue to smoke not as an escape, but just because I enjoy it and see it as a blessing. I'm not running from our problems, in fact I have finally persuaded my wife recently to go to counseling with me so we can attack our issues head on. I just feel like I've now decided that cannabis is a good thing, and that I want it to be part of my life. So I need to tell her... if she is going to be part of my life. Or I need to quit... I'm going to do one or the other in the next week or two.

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Originally Posted by Greenthing

Do you think that your not telling her about your Smoking is giving you a guilt complex about your marriage and causing you to have problems in the relationship.:)
If so maybe you should come clean.

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It sounds like you need to take some serious time to think out your next steps very carefully. I dont think cannabis has all that much to do with this. You just need to decide whether you truely want to be with her or not and its far better you decide this now than letting some relationship play out before your eyes with no input from you.

If she would actually be that devestated and unsure whether she wanted to be with you over a factor as small as smoking you have to wonder how deeply her love really is for you. Does she want you or just someone to be married to?

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Originally Posted by jsn9333

I don't think guilt has anything to do with it. I started smoking cannabis because of the massive problems in our marriage... as a temporary escape, if you will. I don't believe it has caused the problems... we had very serious problems in our marriage from day one, literally.

I continue to smoke not as an escape, but just because I enjoy it and see it as a blessing. I'm not running from our problems, in fact I have finally persuaded my wife recently to go to counseling with me so we can attack our issues head on. I just feel like I've now decided that cannabis is a good thing, and that I want it to be part of my life. So I need to tell her... if she is going to be part of my life. Or I need to quit... I'm going to do one or the other in the next week or two.

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Sounds like you have made up your mind what you are going to do.
All i can say is good luck and i hope things turn out ok for both of you's.:)

You do have problems, don't you! First off, if you have any medical problems, take a look at the link in my sig.

She IS going to blow up. She will be in fear of her job- I work in education, so I know. I'd wait until she hits her break. It will give her time to adjust her thinking without the stress of teaching. Teachers tend to be a bit crazy by the end of semester. (Of course, cannabis works well as a stress reliever. :D)

If you check the bible, I believe right in Genesis, it says God made all plants bearing seed and they were good. If God says it's good, it's fine with me!

Get on the net and warm up the printer-

http://www.thehempire.com/index.php....is_culture/854

CC11: Cannabis and the Christ: Jesus used Marijuana

Marijuana and the Bible

Then google- Jesus, cannabis, kaneh bosm (with all its various spellings)- you'll get even more.

Lastly, there is a group called "Christians for Cannabis", who may be able to give you some more ideas. Google their name.

Frankly, love, I wish you two the best, but things are going to be, at best, tough to near impossible. Go see a marriage counselor- preferably one that is not church connected.

Granny:hippy:

There is a lot of good advice on here, but I would remind you that its *YOUR* house, unless her name is on all the bills and the mortgage. Been there, done that[twice]. the first time I ended up with the shirt on my back(almost literally) and $29,000 in debts, the second time I figured out that it was *MY* house, and sent her packing.

That being said, you need to be up front with her about *EVERYTHING*, and if she can't deal with it, show her the door and start the procedings yourself. You can either work out your problems and have a decent life, or you can start over. Remember that real life doesn't have fairy tale endings.

LOL, i actually went back and copied the link in Storm Crow's signature (thank you, thank you, thank you, awesome, awesome, awesome post and a wonderful resource). my thinking was that you might consider taking the complete list of materiels listed in granny's posting and a few of the articles that seem the most appropriate to your counselor. i would go alone and talk to him/her and explain the situation, maybe they will help explain it to your wife.
that being said, it sounds like, in your heart, you have already realized that it isn't a marriage if one has to conform to the other. also, if you and your wife were still virgin when you married, then it's not surprising you're having problems. and believe me, i'm no proponent of casual sex with many partners, i'm actually monogomous by nature, what i AM saying is that not everyone is compatible sexually and that may be a contributing factor here.
there are no easy answers man, follow your heart and pray for God's will, and it isn't God that wants us to stay with someone who makes us unhappy, it's the church and organized religion that vilify divorce, there is NO shame in realizing that things aren't working and will never work and having the courage to start over. remember that if it comes to that, you are both still very young with plenty of time to find someone you would be happy with, and i mean her too, if you're unhappy, she is unhappy.
thank God there are no children to be harmed by your unhappiness.

anyway, my heart goes out to you man.

bozo,
peace, love, dope