Am i crazy or unlovable? lol

Ok, bit of a long story so bare with me if you can :)

I'm 30, slim, good soh, very laid back, no children, but I have badly wanted some for ages.. i've known this girl who is 35 for a year and a half. She has 3 kids 14/13/5.

When I started hanging around with her, she always said that her kids come first and she couldn't get into a relationship because she was so buisy with hers (2 from first relationship 1 5yo from a failed relationship) And I know that i wasn't her ideal type, i'm 10stone and she prefers the big heavy guys.. but i figured at 35 she would realise all those big guys turn big fat beer bellied guys by that age or my considerable charm would win through :P

So anyways, we would go out for meals a few times a week, took her to a concert and she was calling down my house all the time, we exchanged birthday/xmas presents and stuff I really started caring for her alot. I had only got a kiss on the cheek off her by this time but she always said that she's not a big dater and she's only been in a few relationships.

Ok now this is the point where I get lost...

7 Months ago she tells me one day in conversation that she's meeting a guy who was introduced to her by a friend a few days ago, she's going to the pub to meet him and she told me happily that she's sent the kids off to her friends for the night so she could have the free house, since then she's told me many times how he showers her with affection and she loves it, details about how good her sex life is etc etc.

Recent time, she's now 7 months pregnant with a baby boy due xmas day by this guy, who had said that he didn't want anymore (his first kid got taken into care because his mother physicall abused him) and his other 4 kids are with they're prospective mothers.

She's not with him, still sleeping with him though I know, and she is obviously obsessed with this guy, following him, smashing up his car, i've been upto see her and she's moping around looking like crap, damn I really loved this women I didn't even get a chance with her and some guys who wasn't really interested got her, her family, and a son with her!

I've always gotten well with her 3 kids, they always come around to see me, unfortunately the girl doesn't visit or seem to remember I exist anymore, insead she sends the kids alone, only phoning me to ask if i can 'give her' a spliff now and again...

She says he's a nice guy, i've met him and yeah he seemed a nice enough guy, did you guess he was big? 20stone charlie dealer! :)

But she also said he was selfish, arrogant and sometimes violent, he's completely addicted to coke. She doesn't take it... well didnt' as far as i know.... He doesn't work and she has been supporting him since they met. She is seriously skinted, no food in the house style, I just realised that's the EXACT opposite to everything I am!

So, did I get it all wrong in the first place?, should It had been obvious that she was using me as a guy to make her feel wanted and chased? Or was she just taking the piss out of me? Someone to pay for her shopping when she was skint and to get her car un-wheel-locked, and someone to treat her kids?

I've met other women since I've known her that I could have had a relationship with but I just kept up thinking of her and didn't bother with them, I've had wierd dreams about her asking to call her baby after one of my dead parents, and about her being in a bar going with lots of different men while I can remember thinking my head was going to explode, these dreams make me feel pissed off for weeks afterwards!

Her boys, as I said come over alot, now that it's the 6 weeks school holidays they're phoning me practically every other day, but I feel guilty and terrible that evertime they call I think of they're mother and how it personifies my entire life, and they tell me about the problems between the two and the details of her pregnancy andpictures of the baby scans and what's been going on and I just dont feel like I can handle it anymore... I've got quite bad depression lately so I want to tell the kids that they cant come over any more...

Wouldn't that be 1 more selfish act? The boys dont see they're father and I would certainly miss seeing them, but it breaks my heart to carry on like this, the ultimate looser, but maybe i should be used to it?

Mate, friendship with the kids is good, and as they have done nothing wrong they are not to be blamed, however dreaming of a relationship with their mother is unhealthy for you. She is not your type and you cannot save her from herself. Back out from this relationship and clear the slate. Continue to se the kids occasionally but see it for what it is, some kids in a bad situation that have a good hearted friend that would like to be in a realtionship with their self centered mother. Mate you sound like an ok chap. There are plenty of ladies that would love to be with a caring guy like you. You shouldn't become a keeper of wounded birds. Go out there and find the one that is waiting for you. Get in practice of doing things that make you happy, and the one that is meant for you will come into sight. Don't sell yourself short just because of one screwed up relatiionship. This woman will continue to use you as long as you will let it continue to do so. Chin up and cherreio!! Make a practice of doing things that make you happy and the rest will fall in place. +k to you for being a good friend to the kids, it sounds like they need someone.
STIMPY21

That young woman you're dreaming about is unhealthy and destructive, both for you and to the other men she gets involved with. Let go of her and stop obssessing. She's bad news. It's lovely that you like her kids and want to be friends with/have interaction with her children. I suspect that with her history, they're badly in need of a stable, loving male influence. But she's not the sort who's ever going to go for a guy who treats her well or is interested in a stable, healthy relationship. If you can be friends with her kids and serve as a consistent influence in their lives, then do that. But please avoid their mother like the plague and find yourself a much healthier, more relationship-able girl.

Heh you know I realised that i'm not jelous over her at all, writing it really helped, i'm jelous of the fact that people who dont want/deserve it seem to get everything. I'm jelous that a violent drug addicted person could have a life, a son and a women that I would love and who doesn't even want it.

And it actually cheers me up to think of all the rows and problems they're having, not in a vindictive way but because it shows that the grass isn't always greener on the other side...