Post Your Favorite Joke. [Archive] - Green Grass Forums

stinkyattic

03-08-2007, 07:36 PM

Okay so this guy walks into a bar and sees a sign, 'free drinks for whoever can pass the test'.

Asks the bartender, 'what's the test?'

Bartender sez, "The test is you gotta drink that whole bottle of hot pepper tequila without coming up for air, then there's a chick upstairs who has never had an orgasm, go help her out, and finally, my pet alligator is out back and he needs a tooth pulled."

Guy says, "No fuckin way!"... but after a couple beers he's like, "kay gimme the tequila".

So he drinks down the whole bottle and runs outside... there's this horrible thumping noise and he comes back a few minutes later with his shirt all torn up and bloody and says,

"Now where's that broad with the sore tooth!?"

har har har

BOOYA!

Psycho4Bud

03-08-2007, 07:40 PM

A British, a French, a Texan, and a Mexican were on a plane when the captain said that the plane had too much people on it, so 3 guys had to jump off so at least one person can survive.

The British gathered courage, yelled" God save the Queen!" and jumped off.

With tears in his eyes, the French guy stood up, yelled "Viva la France!" and also jumped off the plane.

So the Texan stood up and was pumped. He took a breath, yelled 'Remember the Alamo!" and threw the Mexican off the plane.

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

BizzleLuvin

03-08-2007, 07:41 PM

Here's mine- sick, but funny.

What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?

Give up?

An erection.

why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
so you can watch the expression on its face !

here's a mean one too:
kingjustin and oneironaut are coyboys on a ranch wayy out in the prairie.
every day they walk around the fence to make sure nothing has escaped.
one day, kingjustin spots a sheep with its head stuck between two fence posts. he gets to thinking and says 'gee oneironaut, i been real lonely out here without any lady folk. i think i'm gonna have at this here sheep'.
so kingjustin pulls down his pants and has a good ol' time with this poor sheep. when he's done he says 'golly this feels great. why dont you come over here oneironaut and give 'er a try'. so oneironaut pulls down his pants and sticks his head between the fence posts.

stinkyattic

03-08-2007, 07:52 PM

one day, kingjustin spots a sheep......
oooh I have a sheep shagging one...

Bunch of cowboys- well shepherds, whatever- are out with their sheeps.
One of them, it's his first time, he's a total greenhorn.
After a week or so he's all, "man it's lonely out here, whaddya do for female companionship?"
And the old farts are like, "Meh, take a sheep, do yer business."
He thinks they're messing with him so he shuts up...
Then a couple days later he asks again, "f'real, what do you REALLY do?"
And they tell him the same thing so he's skeptical but he takes a sheep over to the bushes and does his thing...
He comes out and they are all standing around laughing at him, and he's like "you fuckers, you told me you guys do this!!!"
And they're like, "well YEAH, but you picked the UGLY ONE!!!"

robert42

03-08-2007, 08:03 PM

I guess this is a joke..it sure made me laugh.

4 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.

haha i like that

heres my jokes:

how many emo's does it take to change a lightbulb?

answer: 3 - 1 to change it 2 to write a song about it

Two homosexual guys are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,

"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

:p

robert42

03-08-2007, 08:05 PM

CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

Name: _____________________________ Gang: ___________________________

Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang *hasn't* Hector knocked up?
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?

TheFatKid

03-08-2007, 08:11 PM

Women's Rights

>_>

stinkyattic

03-08-2007, 08:13 PM

Women's Rights
*slap*

How many meteorologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to take out the old bulb, and 2 more to argue about which direction to turin it to screw it in on this side of the equator
har har

iPot

03-08-2007, 08:14 PM

What is yellow and goes round the earth?
A tennis ball in orbit.

orangeman

03-08-2007, 08:40 PM

Here's mine- sick, but funny.

What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?

Give up?

An erection.
It may be a little off but I laughed my ass off when I heard it the first time. It's also accompanied by:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?
You don't have an erection when you eat a sandwich.:D

Wait, I really don't get this joke lol :stoned:!

iPot

03-08-2007, 08:49 PM

I don't get these dead baby in a sandwich jokes they sound kind of twisted to me.

My favourite joke actually not the one I made up about the tennis ball, this lobster goes into a bar and orders a beer. Sorry but your barred from here get out. But I've been drinking here for years this is my local! (in a broad Cockney London accent, the barman replies) Yeah sorry pal but you just come in here all the all the time giving all that.... *holds both hands up to convey chatterbox talk too much but also looks like a lobster impersonation*

kingjustin

03-08-2007, 09:52 PM

That's the whole point of dead baby jokes though...they don't have a real punchline, they're just sick.

And thanks for the lovely joke, Bizzle.

kingjustin

03-08-2007, 09:53 PM

A different genre this time...
A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

tokin'smoker

03-08-2007, 10:00 PM

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?" His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

mirvana

03-08-2007, 10:11 PM

why is 77 better than 69?

because you get 8 more.

(think about it...)

Genuine17

03-08-2007, 11:09 PM

why was the guitar string mad?
HE DIDNT GET PICKED!

kingjustin

03-09-2007, 01:40 AM

Niiiiice.

kingjustin

03-10-2007, 06:16 AM

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

;)

crudemood

03-11-2007, 04:18 AM

Once there was this boy blowing bubbles in the bathtub
Bubbles was the name of his brother.

higher4hockey

03-11-2007, 04:54 AM

whats a baby in a microwave look like ?

i dunno i was too busy jerking off

whats pink and bubbly and bangs on glass ?

a baby in a microwave.

smoke it

03-11-2007, 06:44 AM

^^^dude? sick

Reefer Rogue

03-11-2007, 08:45 AM

This shirt is NOT black!

Matt the Funk

03-11-2007, 09:07 AM

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Nation_1ne

03-11-2007, 02:28 PM

That's the whole point of dead baby jokes though...they don't have a real punchline, they're just sick.

And thanks for the lovely joke, Bizzle.

Sounds to me like you're thinking of the Aristocrats joke. It's supposed to be a joke that's really disgusting and has no meaning, but the punch line is always the Aristocrats.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

"Get in the car."

higher4hockey

03-11-2007, 04:50 PM

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!" Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Kelly twins are drunk again."

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not his most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. Pointing to a young woman in the front row the professor asked, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" And the young woman replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?

Yes. What can I do for you?

I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.

He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiddin' it there.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's home. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep!

Happy Birthday, buddy!

Greenport

03-11-2007, 06:03 PM

this guy comes from a bars poolroom and sits down and says that he could piss in the farthest cup away from him, and if he does it he wants 100 dollars. The bartender says Alright go ahead. The guy pisses all over the place, even on the bartender but not in the cup. The bartender just laughs at him and says well you dont get your 100 dollers. The guy who made the bet starts laughing. When the bartender asks him why hes laughing the guy says "Because I made a bet with the guys in the back room for 500 dollars and I could piss all over your bar and even on you and you wouldent get angry" its kinda stupid :P but ya know

budsmoker only

03-27-2007, 06:57 AM

damn this is kinda dead... but fuck it... who doesnt like laughin while high?? i wanna bring this back...

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened"

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless
that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she
hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home
and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she
was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the
designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear
because you say they are too tight.
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't
use?"
:S2:

206 DankySpanky

03-27-2007, 07:00 AM

YouTube - Completely Uncalled For (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8)

haha

Dest

03-27-2007, 07:09 AM

whats the diffrence between loading a truckfull of dead babies and a truckfull of bowling balls?
The pitchfork.

budsmoker only

03-27-2007, 07:11 AM

i just dont find the dead baby jokes that funny....

kingjustin

05-19-2007, 04:55 AM

You just have to be sick enough to really laugh at 'em.

DogsBollocks

05-19-2007, 05:05 AM

A Kinda Cheap Fling

Two Couples Were Playing Cards. John Accidentally Dropped Some Cards On The Floor. When He Bent Down Under The Table To Pick Them Up, He Noticed That Bill's Wife Was Not Wearing Any Underwear! Shocked By This, John Hit His Head On The Table And Emerged Red-Faced.

Later, John Went To The Kitchen To Get Some Refreshments. Bill's Wife Followed Him And Asked, "Did You See Anything That You Liked Under There?"

John Admitted That, Well, Yes He Did. She Said "You Can Have It, But It Will Cost You £100."

After A Minute Or Two, John Indicates That He Is Interested.

She Tells Him That Since Bill Works Friday Afternoons And John Doesn't, John Should Come To Her House Around 2:00 Pm On Friday.

Friday Came And John Went To Her House At 2:00 Pm. After Paying Her £100 They Went To The Bedroom, Had Sex, And Then John Left.

Bill Came Home About 6:00 Pm. He Asked His Wife, "Did John Come By This Afternoon?" Reluctantly, She Replied, "Yes, He Did Stop By For A Few Mintues."

Next Bill Asked, "Did John Give You £100?"

She Thinks 'Oh Hell, He Knows!' Finally She Says, "Yes, He Did Give Me £100."

"Good," Bill Says. "John Came By The Office This Morning And Borrowed £100 From Me. He Said That He Would Stop By Our House On His Way Home And Pay Me Back."

:S2::S3:

DogsBollocks

05-19-2007, 05:06 AM

Pick-Up Lines That Could Get You Killed

01. If You And I Were Squirrels, Could I Bust A Nut In Your Hole?
02. I'd Like To Wrap Your Legs Around My Head And Wear You Like A Feed Bag.
03. If It's True That We Are What We Eat, I Could Be You By Morning!
04. How Do You Like Your Eggs: Poached, Scrambled, Or Fertilized?
05. I Was About To Go Masturbate And I Needed A Name To Go With Your Face.
06. My Love For You Is Like Diarrhea, I Just Can't Hold It In.
07. Roses Are Red. Violets Are Blue. I Like Spaghetti. Let's Go Fuck.
08. Is That A Keg In Your Pants? 'Cause I Would Love To Tap That Ass!
09. If Your Right Leg Was Thanksgiving, And Your Left Leg Was Christmas, Could I Meet You Between The Holidays?
10. You Remind Me Of A Championship Bass, I Don't Know Whether To Mount You Or Eat You!
11. Your Parents Must Be Retarded, Because You Are Special.
12. Could I Touch Your Belly Button . . .From The Inside?
13. I'm Not Too Good At Algebra, But Doesn't U+I = 69?
14. How About We Play Lion And Lion Tamer? You Hold Your Mouth Open, And I'll Put My Head In.

DogsBollocks

05-19-2007, 05:11 AM

Now This Is Magic

Watch (http://anon.konoko.eu/?http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/1JwtmHDE933261Tnb)

DogsBollocks

05-19-2007, 05:12 AM

SPERM BANK ROBBERY

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

Nightcrewman

05-19-2007, 12:25 PM

Originallly posted by Crudemood

"Once there was this boy blowing bubbles in the bathtub
Bubbles was the name of his brother."

Ha! I thought Bubbles was his chimp :)

Cheers
NCM a Michael Jackson fan (not)

A Scanner Darkly

05-19-2007, 05:18 PM

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

DogsBollocks

05-19-2007, 09:22 PM

A Helicopter Was Flying Around Above Seattle Yesterday When An Electrical Malfunction Disabled All Of The Aircraft's Electronic Navigation And Communications Equipment. Due To The Clouds And Haze, The Pilot Could Not Determine The Helicopter's Position And Course To Steer To The Airport.

The Pilot Saw A Tall Building, Flew Toward It, Circled, Drew A Hand-Written Sign, And Held It In The Helicopter's Window. The Pilot's Sign Read "WHERE AM I?" In Large Letters.

People In The Tall Building Quickly Responded To The Aircraft, Drew A Large Sign, And Held It In A Building Window. Their Sign Read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The Pilot Smiled, Waved, Looked At His Map, Determined The Course To Steer To SEATAC Airport, And Landed Safely.

After They Were On The Ground, The Co-Pilot Asked The Pilot How The "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" Sign Helped Determine Their Position.

The Pilot Responded "I Knew That Had To Be The MICROSOFT Building Because, Similar To Their Help-Lines, They Gave Me A Technically Correct But Completely Useless Answer."

DogsBollocks

05-19-2007, 09:22 PM

One Day A Man Walks Into A Dentist's Office And Asks How Much It Will Cost To Extract Wisdom Teeth.

"Eighty Pound," The Dentist Says.

"That's A Ridiculous Amount," The Man Says. "Isn't There A Cheaper Way?"

"Well," The Dentist Says, "If You Don't Use An Anaesthetic, I Can Knock It Down To £60."

"That's Still Too Expensive," The Man Says.

"Okay," Says The Dentist. "If I Save On Anesthesia And Simply Rip The Teeth Out With A Pair Of Pliers, I Could Get Away With Charging £20."

"Nope," Moans The Man, "It's Still Too Much."

"Hmm," Says The Dentist, Scratching His Head. "If I Let One Of My Students Do It For The Experience, I Suppose I Could Charge You Just £10."

"Marvelous," Says The Man, "Book My Wife For Next Tuesday!"

Snake2389

05-19-2007, 09:36 PM

nice jokes

here is a joke that cracked me up..

2 fish in a tank

one tells another
-"How the fuck do you drive this thing?"

IntoTheEther

05-20-2007, 06:08 AM

Here's one, courtesy of my friend:

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

...

The wheelchair.

Kenn

05-20-2007, 06:34 AM

What do u get if u cross an elephant with a kangaroo...? big Fkn holes all over Australia.

Sinsemilla

05-20-2007, 07:16 AM

haha i like that

heres my jokes:

how many emo's does it take to change a lightbulb?

answer: 3 - 1 to change it 2 to write a song about it

Two homosexual guys are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,

"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

:p

that EMO one was on KROQ, thats if u live in southern california.

Sinsemilla

05-20-2007, 07:22 AM

Reefer Rogue

05-20-2007, 07:29 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Classic, they don't write em like those anymore.

Kenn

05-20-2007, 07:36 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Classic, they don't write em like those anymore. ....lol that reminds me of another..........Why did the pervert cross the road???............His cock was still in the chicken.

DogsBollocks

05-22-2007, 12:04 AM

Question

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Answer

I'll tell you later.

DogsBollocks

05-22-2007, 12:08 AM

You Are Driving In A Car At A Constant Speed. On Your Left Side Is A Valley And On Your Right Side Is A Fire Engine Traveling At The Same Speed As You.

In Front Of You Is A Galloping Pig Which Is The Same Size As Your Car And You Cannot Overtake It. Behind You Is A Helicopter Flying At Ground Level.

Both The Giant Pig And The Helicopter Are Also Traveling At The Same Speed As You.

What Must You Do To Safely Get Out Of This Highly Dangerous Situation?

Answer:

Get Off The Children's Merry Go Round, You're Stoned.

DogsBollocks

05-22-2007, 12:14 AM

Just In Case You Ever Get These Two Environments Mixed Up
This Should Make Things A Little Bit Clearer.

IN PRISON ....... You Spend The Majority Of Your Time In A 10X10 Cell.
AT WORK ......... You Spend The Majority Of Your Time In An 8X8 Cubicle.

IN PRISON ....... You Get Three Meals A Day.
AT WORK ......... You Get A Break For One Meal And You Have To Pay For It.

IN PRISON ....... You Get Time Off For Good Behavior.
AT WORK ......... You Get More Work For Good Behavior.

IN PRISON ....... The Guard Locks And Unlocks All The Doors For You.
AT WORK ......... You Must Often Carry A Security Card And Open All The Doors
For Yourself.

IN PRISON ....... You Can Watch TV And Play Games.
AT WORK ......... You Could Get Fired For Watching TV And Playing Games.

IN PRISON ....... You Get Your Own Toilet.
AT WORK ......... You Have To Share The Toilet With Some People Who Peed On The Seat.

IN PRISON ....... They Allow Your Family And Friends To Visit.
AT WORK ......... You Aren't Even Supposed To Speak To Your Family.

IN PRISON ....... All Expenses Are Paid By The Taxpayers With No Work Required.
AT WORK ......... You Get To Pay All Your Expenses To Go To Work, And They
Deduct Taxes From Your Salary To Pay For Prisoners.

IN PRISON ....... You Spend Most Of Your Life Inside Bars Wanting To Get Out.
AT WORK ......... You Spend Most Of Your Time Wanting To Get Out And Go Inside Bars.

IN PRISON ....... You Must Deal With Sadistic Wardens.
AT WORK ......... They Are Called Managers.

Now Get Back To Work. You're Not Getting Paid To Check E-Mails

rainbows.rsexy

05-22-2007, 12:19 AM

if u smell somerhin funky, its probably me, .....

cuz i'm the shit:rastasmoke:

naturesgift

05-22-2007, 01:22 AM

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help.

It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money.The second boy wanted a ferrari, so Bush gave him a ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."

The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life i saved."