Spicing up a 10 year marriage

[Demeter]

I love my husband with all my heart, but even when we met, it wasn't really chemistry that attracted me- it was all about who he was. Now, after 10 years together, never rollicking to start with, our sex life has dwindled to once every two weeks or so. We are definately in a slump! There are other contributing factors - menopause, Prozac (which is why I stopped taking it!) long hours working, etc. Besides that, neither of us makes a move, for me it's because I don't much feel the desire, and for him, since he complains about the lack of sex, I don't think it is lack of desire, but he just isn't a physically demonstrative sort. He has to be pretty drunk to make a pass! I tend to be attracted to bad boys, the kind who push you up against a cabinet and kiss you madly, but those kind of guys never work out well in the long run. So when I met my husband, it was a breath of fresh air not to feel all crazy passionate. They say the things that attract you to a mate end up being the things that bug you after many years together, so maybe that's all it is. But I want our marriage to work, and so I need to find a way to fix this. It's not to the point where we need to see a marriage counselor, but I want to keep from getting there. Has anyone else had this to deal with?

[Demeter]

I love my husband with all my heart, but even when we met, it wasn't really chemistry that attracted me- it was all about who he was. Now, after 10 years together, never rollicking to start with, our sex life has dwindled to once every two weeks or so. We are definately in a slump! There are other contributing factors - menopause, Prozac (which is why I stopped taking it!) long hours working, etc. Besides that, neither of us makes a move, for me it's because I don't much feel the desire, and for him, since he complains about the lack of sex, I don't think it is lack of desire, but he just isn't a physically demonstrative sort. He has to be pretty drunk to make a pass! I tend to be attracted to bad boys, the kind who push you up against a cabinet and kiss you madly, but those kind of guys never work out well in the long run. So when I met my husband, it was a breath of fresh air not to feel all crazy passionate. They say the things that attract you to a mate end up being the things that bug you after many years together, so maybe that's all it is. But I want our marriage to work, and so I need to find a way to fix this. It's not to the point where we need to see a marriage counselor, but I want to keep from getting there. Has anyone else had this to deal with?
BTW - I posted this in the parenting forum rather than sexuality, because I didn't want replies from a bunch of 16 year olds suggesting sex toys. It's just too annoying :D

[friendowl]

go somewhere fun
make plans to escape , just the two of you
make plans to have good times together
he likes to drink so maybe you could get drunk together
take a walk and make fun of weird people
go somewhere lake a lake or waterfall and just sit and talk
all that crap leads to good sex which leads to a happy spouse

if that dont work out then its time to call it quits
find a new lover and enjoy your time

life is too short to waste your time on people who you aint happy with

[Dutch Pimp]

....third marriage...1996-2006..R.I.P. the thrill is gone...

..my woman ran off with a brown eyed man...and I don't seen to care....

...got the divorce papers in the mail last week...I lose my mini-farm and everything I have worked for...I quess..I will move back into a shack in town..

...she said...it was because of my lack of sex drive...( I burned out)

...but..she left behind an old computer...that I started playing with (I never touched one before)...and decided to learn how to grow weed. I have (had) the perfect place for that.....plus I can grow anything. Now I am married to weed and this old computer...go fiqure?...I traded sex drive...for hard drive...:)...

...the Lord works in mysterious ways...some like it...some don't....

[foxysox]

Geez Dutch... you will rebuild... you seem like a good man.
And Our Lady of the Compost heap will never let you down.

[Nocturnal Stoner]

I traded sex drive...for hard drive...:)...


lol

[Psycho4Bud]

Usually the best way to spice things up is to get a bit on the freaky side. Oils, toys, maybe some hand cuffs...hehehe

Sounds like the ol' man was pretty conservative to start with though so good luck! My ex-sister in law sounded kind of like you. Had a higher drive but married a man that was just the opposite. Dude really didn't care one way or the other.........she LOVES her toys when he's off to work. Hint, hint

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

[napolitana869]

If being tired and stressed out from work is a problem maybe the two of you could go somewhere and just spend the weekend or week to get to know each other again.

[ericwt]

I realize you think it is to early for counseling, however perhaps you should consider it now. It is likely that it would take just a few sessions to help improve the situation.

I might have been able to save my marriage if we would have talked to a
unbiased individual.

It is never to early to get counseling if there is a problem.

It might have saved my ex from growing fangs and craving my blood.

Lucky for me the cure for blood sucking demons is simple. You just give them a huge cash settlement and send them on their way.

Good luck. I am wishing you all the best

[PatrickHenry]

buy some lingerie and just walk up to him wearing it. he'll do you.

[Frivolous248]

take a walk and make fun of weird people

...ROFL

[potsmokingnome]

I dunno what to sugest really but I'll give it a try. I'm not one to give advice on this cause I am just splitting up with my wife, and one of our problems was lack of sex period! sometimes it was once a month for christ sakes!

What would have got me going theough is if she would've just sprung it on me one night out of the blue (there is nothin sexy about "so are we going to have sex tonight? <--what the fuck is that??)..I dunno one night goto bed slightly earlier then him goto the bed room lay out a whole bunch of rose pedals on the bed, then cover yourself with them, and then out on the bed side table lay out a few options for him: whip cream, handcuffs, lube, and let him choose what to use :D I dunno just a shot in the dark...oh and light some candles, and maybe inscence...might work I dunno.

[slipknotpsycho]

I love my husband with all my heart, but even when we met, it wasn't really chemistry that attracted me- it was all about who he was. Now, after 10 years together, never rollicking to start with, our sex life has dwindled to once every two weeks or so. We are definately in a slump! There are other contributing factors - menopause, Prozac (which is why I stopped taking it!) long hours working, etc. Besides that, neither of us makes a move, for me it's because I don't much feel the desire, and for him, since he complains about the lack of sex, I don't think it is lack of desire, but he just isn't a physically demonstrative sort. He has to be pretty drunk to make a pass! I tend to be attracted to bad boys, the kind who push you up against a cabinet and kiss you madly, but those kind of guys never work out well in the long run. So when I met my husband, it was a breath of fresh air not to feel all crazy passionate. They say the things that attract you to a mate end up being the things that bug you after many years together, so maybe that's all it is. But I want our marriage to work, and so I need to find a way to fix this. It's not to the point where we need to see a marriage counselor, but I want to keep from getting there. Has anyone else had this to deal with?
BTW - I posted this in the parenting forum rather than sexuality, because I didn't want replies from a bunch of 16 year olds suggesting sex toys. It's just too annoying :D

ok now that's funny lol.. some 16 year old - stick a dildo in his ass!


yes right now our sex life isn't really all it could be... only, i know it's mainly my fault, and i don't know why... i know the longer i've went without weed, the less and less i've felt like doing anything... i'm becoming really distant and i dunno why >.<

i know i need anti-depressants, but i stopped going to my stupid psychiatrist (hell i ca'nt even get a fucking appointment anymore... it's through the gold card and anytime we call for an appointment, we either get a busy signal [after calling and recalling for over an hour sometimes] or they tell us we can't make an appointment til such and such date, and when we try to call back, one of two things happens from there... the busy signal thing, or they hang up on us after putting us on hold, only to get a busy signal again] anways i stopped going because they won't fucking listen to.. she's a stupid cunt, i tell her it don't work "well just keep going for awhile longer" (this is after 6 weeks of being on it) she isn't intrested in helping me, she's just intrested in prescribing me something so i can't say they refuse to help..

i dunno.. ever since i haven't been able to get weed, and haven't had medicine (one or the ohter and i'm ok) i haven't had a desire to really do anything... for awhile there, even lost the desire to live... not like thinking of suicide, but just doing things.. i'd stare at the computer screen all day, just sitting in my chair doing nothing at all... had games to play, didn't want to, had food to eat and i was even hungry, didn't want to, had shows on tv to watch, didn't want to.. i didn't wanna do anything..

that level has gone down now.. atleast i do something durring the day... but i still have no desire for closeness... and it pisses me off... cuz i know my wife doesn't understand, i don't even think she can... she's all the time thinking i'm mad at her or something.. and id on't know what to tell her, cuz i'm not mad, half the time i'm not even really depressed (more so then usual, i am always depressed, but i've kind alearned to just live with it now)

i just don't knwo what's wrong with me anymore... when i was on weed (Even if i wasn't doing it EVERYDAY) i was alot better... now i can't find it, i don't have the anti depressants i need (i was even ok with no anti-depressants as long as i had weed i was ok) everythings just kinda been a downward spiral...

meh i'm gonna quit rambling now.

[Demeter]

Usually the best way to spice things up is to get a bit on the freaky side. Oils, toys, maybe some hand cuffs...hehehe

Sounds like the ol' man was pretty conservative to start with though so good luck! My ex-sister in law sounded kind of like you. Had a higher drive but married a man that was just the opposite. Dude really didn't care one way or the other.........she LOVES her toys when he's off to work. Hint, hint

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

Well, frankly, taking care of myself all by myself has never been a problem; I don't need toys or bells or whistles, because I am GOOD:D
I have always had the knack, hehheh
But with me, his technique is just different than what I like, always has been,so that's why I'm not really in the mood with him, because it is just so-so...so I don't initiate -
but I love him so much, and I think he is bothered by my lack of interest. You see, if I really wanted to have sex with him, he wouldn't stand a chance.;) But it isn't working for me. The main problem is that I don't know how to get him to do things differently without hurting his feelings. I am not sure he can do things differently.

[Demeter]

If being tired and stressed out from work is a problem maybe the two of you could go somewhere and just spend the weekend or week to get to know each other again.

That's part of the problem- we've both been working non-stop. Also because we've gone through a lot together (infertility, miscarriage, years of adoption seeking, he got cancer, both our mom's died) and haven't taken off for more than a week in a very long time to recoup, we are out of energy:D

I'd love to go someplace warm- Jamaica would be amazing:rastasmoke:
Maybe we can find a deal that is not too expensive...hmmm you've got me thinking-thanks!

[Demeter]

ok now that's funny lol.. some 16 year old - stick a dildo in his ass!


yes right now our sex life isn't really all it could be... only, i know it's mainly my fault, and i don't know why... i know the longer i've went without weed, the less and less i've felt like doing anything... i'm becoming really distant and i dunno why >.<

i know i need anti-depressants, but i stopped going to my stupid psychiatrist (hell i ca'nt even get a fucking appointment anymore... it's through the gold card and anytime we call for an appointment, we either get a busy signal [after calling and recalling for over an hour sometimes] or they tell us we can't make an appointment til such and such date, and when we try to call back, one of two things happens from there... the busy signal thing, or they hang up on us after putting us on hold, only to get a busy signal again] anways i stopped going because they won't fucking listen to.. she's a stupid cunt, i tell her it don't work "well just keep going for awhile longer" (this is after 6 weeks of being on it) she isn't intrested in helping me, she's just intrested in prescribing me something so i can't say they refuse to help..

i dunno.. ever since i haven't been able to get weed, and haven't had medicine (one or the ohter and i'm ok) i haven't had a desire to really do anything... for awhile there, even lost the desire to live... not like thinking of suicide, but just doing things.. i'd stare at the computer screen all day, just sitting in my chair doing nothing at all... had games to play, didn't want to, had food to eat and i was even hungry, didn't want to, had shows on tv to watch, didn't want to.. i didn't wanna do anything..

that level has gone down now.. atleast i do something durring the day... but i still have no desire for closeness... and it pisses me off... cuz i know my wife doesn't understand, i don't even think she can... she's all the time thinking i'm mad at her or something.. and id on't know what to tell her, cuz i'm not mad, half the time i'm not even really depressed (more so then usual, i am always depressed, but i've kind alearned to just live with it now)

i just don't knwo what's wrong with me anymore... when i was on weed (Even if i wasn't doing it EVERYDAY) i was alot better... now i can't find it, i don't have the anti depressants i need (i was even ok with no anti-depressants as long as i had weed i was ok) everythings just kinda been a downward spiral...

meh i'm gonna quit rambling now.

Hi slip- damn I wish you had something to smoke- I share your disdain for the psychopharm squirrel cage- I was trapped in it for many years- the appointments, the aggravation, the trial and error method of prescribing! At one point I had been on the Prozac for years and it was fine and then it seemed to stop working. They tried adding Lithium, then Desiprimine, then Iprimene (not too sure of my spelling lol) and I got lower and lower and finally they figured out my thyroid was hypo- so I take meds for that. Now I don't take any more psych meds. It seems okay.
If I have weed, I don't have to deal with all that crap, and it is nice.
Are you someplace where you can't grow? That is what I am trying to do, have autonomy over my own peace of mind.
I wish you were driving by right now, I'd share :hippy:

[napolitana869]

sometimes the answers you're looking for are right there, you just have to step back and take some some off in order to see them. Spring break is coming up, maybe you could take your break then.

[slipknotpsycho]

i'm planning on starting to grow, but even then i'ts going to be a relatively small operation... even if i manage to grow it (i've tried a few other times very unsucessfully) to maturity, i wouldn't imagine i'd be getting too much, definately not enough to keep me sustained until the next batch is mature... even if i spaced it out far and wide...

i live in my grandparents home, now i do have her permission to grow (we had a disccusion about it one day, and then after much talk, she wanted proof who safe it actually was, how full of it the us govt. really is, and how medicinally helpful it can really be, so i ended up printing her over 100 pages worth the shit)

still got a problem with that tho >.< (sorry i'm not trying to like jack your thread or something, but you asked) and that is i'm smart as hell, but i read at about half the level i really should, not only do i read slow as hell, but i also have problems understanding it.. i hav eno mentor to show me how to grow (and that's the way i learn best, hands on) and somehow, i know if i go into the growing section and basicly ask someoen to break it down for me.. (i know there are numerous things to know if you get really into growing, but i'd just be needing the basics) they're just going to tell me to read up on it....

which, is basicly useless to me... there is no simple to read guide.. everything gets so complicated and i just can't comprehend it >.< i have tried to read up on it, probably about the average novels worth of reading, but it's just not clicking for me.. iw ish they'd put out "the idiot's guide to growing pot", if that book helped me to understand html, i'm sure it could help here too...

[Scarlet Sky]

consider me your guide slip. i'll help ya :thumbsup: and i have a cam, so i can give you play by play footage...

[slipknotpsycho]

k then when it comes time (when i get my money) i'll post a thread in the growing section with you rname on it...

[Scarlet Sky]

check your rep...

[birdgirl73]

OK, here's what I'd do:
- Rest up, both of you, and try and take some time away like Friendowl suggested so you can focus on each other
- Talk about the fact that you'd like to work on upping the intimacy but leave out the part about him not doing it for you (that is a drag, though)
- Ask him if y'all can try and take a stab at reinventing your sex life and diplomatically tell him that you want to spice things up
- Introduce some pretty underwear, toys, or other props if they'll help. Do yourself in front of him (that always lights my husband's fire in a big way) or have him watch you so he can pick up your technique, if his is lacking
- Seduce, seduce, seduce. Even if I'm not in the mood, if I work on getting him in the mood or trying to distract him, it always gets me going. You know how to do this, I know
- Keep working on that bond in other ways because if there's some other area of hesitation, anger, or hesitancy, that'll definitely get in the way in the bedroom. Are you harboring anger or resentment over anything on some level? Is he "doing it for you" emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, too?

My heart aches for you that the attraction factor isn't there because it definitely helps make everything else easier and keeps the passion as a solid baseline when other areas of the relationship are shaky or you're going through a rough patch. Are you wary of counseling because you know you'll be forced to deal with the fact that the truth is you married a man you're not terribly attracted to? On some level, I expect he already knows that that's what's up, don't you? I can't imagine your being married to someone who's not fairly sharp and perceptive.

Above all, do everything you can to work on the whole bond between the two of you, Demeter, and get it strengthened up now. Sex is a barometer of that bond, and if things are shaky in that area, there may be little fault lines in others. I recommend working on strengthening the bond ASAP because when you two bring those girls home and you suddenly find yourselves as new parents together, you're going to face a whole new set of challenges to that bond, and you're going to need as solid of a foundation as possible, both to weather the storms of parenthood and to have that bond in place for the security of the children. Kids, interestingly enough, have a relationship with their parents as individuals but also with the marriage itself. And so presenting a solid front of intimacy is not only important for you two so you can stay together to help raise those kids but also so the kids will have a good model for their future intimate relationships.

Hope that made sense. I wish you the very best of luck with this, my sweet, creative friend.

[slipknotpsycho]

check your rep...

k i is confused now...

[Scarlet Sky]

k i is confused now...

got to user cp; it will have your last five reps, who repped you, and what they said. i left you a message...

[slipknotpsycho]

no no no, not confused that way... confused cuz your email is the same as another member's name here (pretty much) so you're either a double personality or a coincedence lol..

btw you can definately be expecting to hear from me (probably take a month or two to finally get my money)

[Demeter]

OK, here's what I'd do:
- Rest up, both of you, and try and take some time away like Friendowl suggested so you can focus on each other
- Talk about the fact that you'd like to work on upping the intimacy but leave out the part about him not doing it for you (that is a drag, though)
- Ask him if y'all can try and take a stab at reinventing your sex life and diplomatically tell him that you want to spice things up
- Introduce some pretty underwear, toys, or other props if they'll help. Do yourself in front of him (that always lights my husband's fire in a big way) or have him watch you so he can pick up your technique, if his is lacking
- Seduce, seduce, seduce. Even if I'm not in the mood, if I work on getting him in the mood or trying to distract him, it always gets me going. You know how to do this, I know
- Keep working on that bond in other ways because if there's some other area of hesitation, anger, or hesitancy, that'll definitely get in the way in the bedroom. Are you harboring anger or resentment over anything on some level? Is he "doing it for you" emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, too?

My heart aches for you that the attraction factor isn't there because it definitely helps make everything else easier and keeps the passion as a solid baseline when other areas of the relationship are shaky or you're going through a rough patch. Are you wary of counseling because you know you'll be forced to deal with the fact that the truth is you married a man you're not terribly attracted to? On some level, I expect he already knows that that's what's up, don't you? I can't imagine your being married to someone who's not fairly sharp and perceptive.

Above all, do everything you can to work on the whole bond between the two of you, Demeter, and get it strengthened up now. Sex is a barometer of that bond, and if things are shaky in that area, there may be little fault lines in others. I recommend working on strengthening the bond ASAP because when you two bring those girls home and you suddenly find yourselves as new parents together, you're going to face a whole new set of challenges to that bond, and you're going to need as solid of a foundation as possible, both to weather the storms of parenthood and to have that bond in place for the security of the children. Kids, interestingly enough, have a relationship with their parents as individuals but also with the marriage itself. And so presenting a solid front of intimacy is not only important for you two so you can stay together to help raise those kids but also so the kids will have a good model for their future intimate relationships.

Hope that made sense. I wish you the very best of luck with this, my sweet, creative friend.


Birdgirl- That made sense like you opened up my brain and looked right in! It is strange, I haven't talked about this issue before, though it has been a concern for years. Now all of a sudden I am venting about it, and I imagine stopping the Prozac has something to do with that. It is as if I was on MUTE before. I feel more emotional about everything, and I hope that tapers off eventually. Last night I felt so guilty about verbalizing my feelings, I could hardly sleep. I felt panicky. I felt as it I had betrayed him by speaking the truth.
I am totally afraid of what might come out with therapy. The fact is that we are not really very well matched in the other areas you mentioned - and yet I feel great love for him. We have a comfortable relationship, we share some interests and activities, and we have fought the good fight together for so long to become parents- I am not sure I am willing to rock that boat.
I have been able to overlook the fact that in some ways we are quite incompatible, because I have never had the experience of knowing a relationship that wasn't that way. I think it is a rare thing, and I don't believe it is possible for me. Intellectually and emotionally, we are not at all alike (I always have my girlfriends for that), but spiritually we see eye to eye - he has a moral center, a concern for others that I have never seen in any other man- hence my willingness to overlook other differences beetween us. What I have now is so much better than what I have ever had in the past, or what my parents had, that I count my blessings everyday. I feel certain my heart would break if I left my marriage. I have been divorced twice before, but this marriage is different to me. Those other two were obvious dangers to be run from!
So I am going to get to work:) I am taking your advice- seduce seduce seduce! I am hoping that if I work on seducing him, it will affect my mood, just like smiling when you are sad shifts the mood. I've been too complacent. I need to stop being such a princess expecting to be swept off my feet lol. For all my denial that such romance exists, a part of me is still hankering for it. But I am sure he is too! Poor thing, I was much more interested when we first got married. I tried then. I need to try harder now.Menopause has definately had a effect, making it worse, so I need to look for solutions with that. Perhaps there are other herbal meds that would spice up my mood?
He and I have actually talked about the problem with our sex life before, and then we make some effort, and then we slack off, and we grow apart again. I have always been exceptionally good at denying my feelings, so I am glad that I am getting uncomfortable enough with this problem to decide to really work on it, instead of expecting him to transform. It's worth the effort. Tonight we are going out, a rare occasion for us, so it's the perfect opportunity to seduce.

Thank you so much for your incredible insight- everything you said is spot-on true! You're better than a therapist, and I have seen quite a few of them:)

[Demeter]

i'm planning on starting to grow, but even then i'ts going to be a relatively small operation... even if i manage to grow it (i've tried a few other times very unsucessfully) to maturity, i wouldn't imagine i'd be getting too much, definately not enough to keep me sustained until the next batch is mature... even if i spaced it out far and wide...

i live in my grandparents home, now i do have her permission to grow (we had a disccusion about it one day, and then after much talk, she wanted proof who safe it actually was, how full of it the us govt. really is, and how medicinally helpful it can really be, so i ended up printing her over 100 pages worth the shit)

still got a problem with that tho >.< (sorry i'm not trying to like jack your thread or something, but you asked) and that is i'm smart as hell, but i read at about half the level i really should, not only do i read slow as hell, but i also have problems understanding it.. i hav eno mentor to show me how to grow (and that's the way i learn best, hands on) and somehow, i know if i go into the growing section and basicly ask someoen to break it down for me.. (i know there are numerous things to know if you get really into growing, but i'd just be needing the basics) they're just going to tell me to read up on it....

which, is basicly useless to me... there is no simple to read guide.. everything gets so complicated and i just can't comprehend it >.< i have tried to read up on it, probably about the average novels worth of reading, but it's just not clicking for me.. iw ish they'd put out "the idiot's guide to growing pot", if that book helped me to understand html, i'm sure it could help here too...

slip, even though there seems to be a ton of information about growing and many people like sky or stinky have it down to a science, it's really just a plant and with the basics of light and water and nutrients, a hardy strain will grow pretty well even if abused!
I am not a disciplined,organzied, or even very knowledgeble grower, and I have been growing flowers and vegetables for years. I have learned to grow weed from the folks here, and am now in the middle of my first decent grow and it looks awesome. I tried before, but failed, simply because I didn't realize the basic light and nutrient requirements, since I wasn't an indoor grower. Now I know much more, but that doesn't mean I have a clue now about specifics with regard to ph or nutes - it's like math or car mechanics to me-lalalala -my brain can handle Heidegger, but chemistry makes the room spin ... hey, I just give them lots of light, feed them a small amount with every watering, and put them in good soil. I bought a cheap timer and I just look in on them every day to see if they need anything. I've been tying them down or topping to increase yield, but no fancy stuff. I don't think you have to become a garden master to produce enough for your own use. I have three plants in flower right now, and I will let you know how much I harvest in 6 weeks or so - but these girls are looking really bushy and strong, and that is not because I am so skilled. Your idea about the idiots guide is GREAT and some enterprizing person should absolutely jump on that and write it! $$$$$
As for your reading issues, I work with college students in developmental English who have the exact same issues. You will have to take longer to read and work through written passages, but as you know that doesn't have anything to do with your intelligence- it is a processing glitch, but fortunately, there are techniques that we know of now to help with that. It is great you are working with someone on that- hands-on is the best way. But use the grow area to learn a bit at a time and don't let yourself get overwhelmed. Start small.There are plenty of grow buddies here to help you out. It is a bit of a project getting the grow started, but it isn't very hard to do- and the relief of having your own stash is priceless!
Good luck!

[kindprincess]

sorry for hijacking dem, but you hit my forte ;)

i found this the other day...

http://boards.cannabis.com/advanced-techniques/103779-doing-things-right-wrong-way-guide-growing-ghetto.html

looks like it's going to be a good one....

[birdgirl73]

Thanks, Demeter. I think that was my uncanny intuition combined with the fact that we're both married and both about the same age--and with the fact that I've done enough therapy, solo, group and with my own husband, to know the sorts of things that affect marriage dynamics. Menopause and antidepressants definitely take a toll in the bedroom, and that's why I refuse to use antidepressants. I really dread seeing how the changing hormones are going to affect our relationship. We have a lot of attraction for each other and a good sexual relationship, and I worry that somehow that'll go away.

I want to do more research into herbal approaches to the libido issue. Right now, I know absolutely nothing about that, and I need to. I have a friend who's working on her N.D. degree now (Doctor of Naturopathy), and let me ask her what she knows. I know you were put into early menopause by some surgery you had. Does that surgery preclude your trying some form of replacement androgen (testosterone) to see if that boosts your libido? They say women often have to relearn their sexual response after surgery and/or menopause.

Here's a good article I found about this subject. Your doc will know whether or not you're a candidate to try something to counteract androgen insufficiency. Good luck, sweetie. I have my fingers crossed for you on this issue. And I don't blame you for not wanting to rock the boat, as you said, by dragging this all out in front of a therapist. You know how that goes. It's painful. It's hard. And it tends to make things worse before it makes them better.
Androgen Insufficiency, Testosterone and Female Libido (http://www.aphroditewomenshealth.com/news/androgen_insufficiency.shtml)

P.S. Keep trying to add in exercise, particularly strength-building exercise like weight-lifing, to your routine. It'll help you with that anxiety. It'll help you feel more physical and sexual because it makes you more aware of your body. And, even in women, the increased muscle mass will help your body secrete more of its small amounts of androgens, which'll be a natural libido booster. Testosterone is a muscle-binding hormone, so men and women with more muscles have more of it. It's the hormone that affects our sex drive.

Much love to you, my friend!

[Demeter]

ya see slip- kp to the rescue! :)

That's okay, this thread has veered, I go on tangents too, but that just means we should start another one because I am really excited about seeing slip get started growing and want to know more details!

[Mrs. Greenjeans]

I hate to give what seems an overly simplistic or pat answer, but here goes:
Porn.
Yes, I said it. I don't mean to the exclusion of everything else. I mean, do all the things Birdy suggested, and add in a little dirty movie. For YOU to watch. That's what's great about the internet. Growing info, and porn.

I am crazy about my man. I think he is the hottest thing I've ever seen. But sometimes, whether it's hormones or just plain fatigue, I am not in the mood. Rather than make him go through a dry spell, I will fire up my computer after he goes to work, and watch porn. Even just sort of skimming it. It sets your mind and body up to be more receptive later in the day. And I watch it alone, because that way I don't have to get all paranoid that he's comparing me to the girls in the movie, or that he's fucking me but thinking of them, dig?

I'm on the fence about the political aspect of porn, from a feminist perspective. But I do know it works, so I try to put my ideals on hold when faced with a remedy for flagging libido LOL!

[Gatekeeper777]

try the swinging lifestyle. variety is the spice of life.
Leave the jeolousy baggage elsewhere its only sex.

[Mrs. Greenjeans]

try the swinging lifestyle. variety is the spice of life.
Leave the jeolousy baggage elsewhere its only sex.
That's a bit of a leap, don't you think? Gosh, if it's only sex, then why bother actually fixing it at all? Why not just give up?

I think sleeping with other people should be a last resort, not the first thing you try. That's not spicy, that's full on habanero.

What is the point of being married if you're going to swing? Is it just so you have somebody to split the bills with?

[napolitana869]

I had another idea for you. I think before you might have said that you do weight lifting. Maybe you could get him to do that with you. It would get all those hormones running and maybe it would help up the physical attraction. If nothing else it could be something the two of you could do together

[Gatekeeper777]

That's a bit of a leap, don't you think? Gosh, if it's only sex, then why bother actually fixing it at all? Why not just give up?

I think sleeping with other people should be a last resort, not the first thing you try. That's not spicy, that's full on habanero.

What is the point of being married if you're going to swing? Is it just so you have somebody to split the bills with?
I swing with my wife and its a bigger turn on to see the significant other being pleasured then what you would think.
but hey, its not for everyone.
and the chicks are freaky.lol
:thumbsup:

[Mrs. Greenjeans]

So why are you guys married? Tax break? I never have understood the reasoning behind swinging. Do you let other people drive your car too?

edit to say: As for Demeter's issue, there are many things she can do about it. What she should not do, is hump a strange dick about it.

[slipknotpsycho]

So why are you guys married? Tax break? I never have understood the reasoning behind swinging. Do you let other people drive your car too?

edit to say: As for Demeter's issue, there are many things she can do about it. What she should not do, is hump a strange dick about it.

the real swingers love the other one, it has nothing to do really with wanting to be with other people (i foudn out all this at about 11, watching real sex on hbo lmao) it's just something new to try... both partners really fucking have to be up to it.. if there's a slight bit of jealousy, it will destory the both of you) and even tho they'r efucking othe rpeople (basicly) they still both love each other unconditionally... kinda really hard to understand i gues (cuz i don't even understand it lol... i don't care if i was allowed to fuck some other girl, my wife got in bed with another dude, i'd be whippin out the machette) but it has nothing ot do with anything on a relationship, ti's all about personal sexual pleasure.. and it's not like you can go calling up other people on a boot call... you both go 'do it' at the same time, and ontop of that, it's almost always in the same room/house..

[Mrs. Greenjeans]

Maybe we should start another thread on swinging, so Demeter can have her thread back.:D

[Gatekeeper777]

the real swingers love the other one, it has nothing to do really with wanting to be with other people (i foudn out all this at about 11, watching real sex on hbo lmao) it's just something new to try... both partners really fucking have to be up to it.. if there's a slight bit of jealousy, it will destory the both of you) and even tho they'r efucking othe rpeople (basicly) they still both love each other unconditionally... kinda really hard to understand i gues (cuz i don't even understand it lol... i don't care if i was allowed to fuck some other girl, my wife got in bed with another dude, i'd be whippin out the machette) but it has nothing ot do with anything on a relationship, ti's all about personal sexual pleasure.. and it's not like you can go calling up other people on a boot call... you both go 'do it' at the same time, and ontop of that, it's almost always in the same room/house..

thank you for explaining it. You nailed it.

[Mrs. Greenjeans]

Hey Gatekeeper, would you mind starting a separate thread where I can ask questions about this if you're comfortable with that?

[Gatekeeper777]

Hey Gatekeeper, would you mind starting a separate thread where I can ask questions about this if you're comfortable with that?
ok, i will try to explain as best that i can but you need to look at it with an open mind.

[TheSmokingMonkey]

Why don't you both do something you are completely uncomfortable with?

Suggestions include....
skydiving
public speaking
wearing suggestive clothing
going to church

anything that normally petrifies you, would be a good thing to do.

You don't both have to do the same thing; you could just compare notes after you split up to do your respective "terrifying" thing.

Bust out of your comfort zone, and if you see him do the same, you might see a side of him you never appreciated before.

[NewbiePacker]

If sex was the reason she bailed, let her go..

Should not be the sole reason to end a marriage.


....third marriage...1996-2006..R.I.P. the thrill is gone...

..my woman ran off with a brown eyed man...and I don't seen to care....

...got the divorce papers in the mail last week...I lose my mini-farm and everything I have worked for...I quess..I will move back into a shack in town..

...she said...it was because of my lack of sex drive...( I burned out)

...but..she left behind an old computer...that I started playing with (I never touched one before)...and decided to learn how to grow weed. I have (had) the perfect place for that.....plus I can grow anything. Now I am married to weed and this old computer...go fiqure?...I traded sex drive...for hard drive...:)...

...the Lord works in mysterious ways...some like it...some don't....

[Demeter]

I am thankful for and am considering all suggestions (well except swinging) and if we both weren't so tired this week, might have implemented them- sigh. We need a break from work, so the week of spring break, next week, we are going to do something fun if it kills us! We are both under so much stress from a variety of causes that we just veg out together- it's pitiful!
Part of the problem is my own self image, I know. The exercise really helps as long as I am patient with my progress. Being off the Prozac is helping already too- I feel less numb. But menopause is weird, so I need to find some kind of supplements to help. I am going to schedule a visit with the doctor, and see what she suggests.
Mrs. G the idea about porn makes sense, except I am leery about internet porn- there is so much out there that I am really not interested in (I am a bit of a romantic, and in movies, I like seduction more than penetration :o) is there a porn-lite section?

[birdgirl73]

Demeter, I have some of the same leeriness about porn. I've not found any sites that seem to be the right places for the less overt, more erotica-type, seduction-centered ideas and story lines. This has caused me to dream up and write it for myself and for my husband, something that he enjoys helping with. You're an artiste with great verbal talents. Letting that stuff spin out of your own imagination is a lot of fun. Do you ever read erotica? That's how I originally got interested in it. Then I got two small pieces published a long time ago before I realized that I really had more fun doing it for my own private audience (Dave). It's a fun way to flex your creative muscles and invent for yourself and your spouse what turns you on. Just an idea!

[dutch.lover]

I agree with what Birdgirl has said, and Mrs. G. I think the seduction thing is very important, I know that when I'm not in the mood sometimes but my bf is, and I give him a blowjob- I am always super turned on afterwards!

And lingerie is a great idea too, try something extreme (like a garder belt with thigh high stockings and a pushup bra)...even if you don't feel 100% confortable in it, I guarentee you that your husband will jump you on the spot and that will definitely excite you! Especially since you said that you like the whole bad boy, throw you up against the wall kind of thing (i can relate to this too, i wish my boy was rougher with me ;) ).

Lastly, I think porn is a great idea too. I was against it for a long time, but Im glad curiosity got the best of me, because it actually turns me on quite a bit! If you don't feel in the mood, try watching some on your own and then go hunting for your hubby. Even better- let it slip to him that you watch it by yourself and he will go nuts! If you're looking for sweeter porn (not hardcore stuff), try lesbian porn. It's generally not demeaning to women, or violent, and IMO women in porn are way hotter than men anyways- so watching just women is the best.

[Dutch Pimp]

...Demeter...:)...

....sorry...about interrupting...your thread your thread that day...I was fighting some demons that day too....

[Demeter]

...Demeter...:)...

....sorry...about interrupting...your thread your thread that day...I was fighting some demons that day too....

Dutch pimp- I always like seeing your avatar on my thread:)
but this new one is not as nice as the other- was the other a pic of you?
Poor dear, I know how horrible divorce is, having survived two. Hang in there- The tide will turn for you- here's a BIG HUG!

[Demeter]

Demeter, I have some of the same leeriness about porn. I've not found any sites that seem to be the right places for the less overt, more erotica-type, seduction-centered ideas and story lines. This has caused me to dream up and write it for myself and for my husband, something that he enjoys helping with. You're an artiste with great verbal talents. Letting that stuff spin out of your own imagination is a lot of fun. Do you ever read erotica? That's how I originally got interested in it. Then I got two small pieces published a long time ago before I realized that I really had more fun doing it for my own private audience (Dave). It's a fun way to flex your creative muscles and invent for yourself and your spouse what turns you on. Just an idea!

What a cool idea! I wish I could read some of your work!
I'm going to give it a try

[Mrs. Greenjeans]

Demeter,
If you'd like to explore some video erotica with a less male oriented approach, I recommend looking into movies by Candida Royalle (http://www.candidaroyalle.com/). An adult perfomer during the so called "Golden Age" of porn, Candida moved into writing, directing, and producing her own line of women and couple's oriented erotica, with more focus on plot, foreplay, and sensuality than your typical gynecological closeup and spurting fluids type porn that is aimed (oh that was a bad pun) at men. Click her name to go to her very tasteful website with the discreet splash page.

[birdgirl73]

Demeter, I'll send you a PM and you can reply with your preferred email address. I'll be happy to share a story if you'd like to see an example!

I've heard good things about Candida Royalle's movies. I'd like to see some of those. My sister and her husband, who've been going through the ordeal of fertility procedures and artificial hormones, have seen a sort of down-tic in their natural, spontaneous love life. I know my sister said some of Betty Dodson's videos, which are primarily intended to be instructional, are also very erotic for couples. Just another thought to add to Mrs. G's great one about Candida. (Wonder why that lady stage-named herself after a genus of yeast?)
BETTY DODSON ONLINE INDEX (http://www.bettydodson.com/newhom2.htm)

[Mrs. Greenjeans]

(Wonder why that lady stage-named herself after a genus of yeast?)
BETTY DODSON ONLINE INDEX (http://www.bettydodson.com/newhom2.htm)
ROTFL! I have wondered that many times myself.

[Dutch Pimp]

Dutch pimp- I always like seeing your avatar on my thread:)
but this new one is not as nice as the other- was the other a pic of you?
Poor dear, I know how horrible divorce is, having survived two. Hang in there- The tide will turn for you- here's a BIG HUG!

...it's just a test run..(I got it from a friend of mine)..I had to give....Doctor Jekkel...&.. Mister Hyde...a rest...

..plus the other day I stuck my nose in a post ..where it didn't belong....serves me right...so I banned my avatar...for ??? days...that SHOULD teach him to MORE careful...stoned or not...:)...

[rebgirl420]

Im not married or anything but one thing that drives me crazy and John also is role playing. Man its great. You can be anyone! And you can make him anyone! Man if I had a nickel for every time we played "rockstar" and he was Maynard James Keenan i'd have alot of happy fucking nickels haha. Oh and S&M is always fun, if your into that stuff.

[dutch.lover]

Demeter,
If you'd like to explore some video erotica with a less male oriented approach, I recommend looking into movies by Candida Royalle (http://www.candidaroyalle.com/). An adult perfomer during the so called "Golden Age" of porn, Candida moved into writing, directing, and producing her own line of women and couple's oriented erotica, with more focus on plot, foreplay, and sensuality than your typical gynecological closeup and spurting fluids type porn that is aimed (oh that was a bad pun) at men. Click her name to go to her very tasteful website with the discreet splash page.

Candida was also the first porn producer to make wearing condoms in porn MANDATORY, I do believe. Just another reason to support her.

[Mrs. Greenjeans]

See. We should be in charge.
Of everything.

[dutch.lover]

^^Mrs.G, my major is psychology btw, but once I get my bachelors I plan on specializing in sexuality. My goal is to become a sex therapist.

[Mrs. Greenjeans]

^^Mrs.G, my major is psychology btw, but once I get my bachelors I plan on specializing in sexuality. My goal is to become a sex therapist.
Thanks, I thought I remembered you saying something to that effect, but I couldn't remember where I read it.

I've often thought being a sex therapist would be interesting, but then I realized that you have to hear quite a few things and keep them confidential, and maintain a professional demeanor. This brought to mind what a hothead I am, and that I would probably kill a pedophile in my office with my letter opener. So I have decided that sex therapy may not be my bag.:D