ok i gotta get this off my chest...

[slipknotpsycho]

don't get me wrong, what i just did hurt me... but i can't ever forgive him....

ok some history... my dad was never there for me NEVER for about the first 14 years of my life, i saw him all of 2-3 times, maybe talked to him on the phone once or twice... then at about 15-16 he tried to come back in my life, nearly forced his way in... i'm crying at this point, to where my clothes are getting soaked.... but i have to get this out... anyways after a few months i went to juvi, got out when i was 18... and i started hanging around my brother (of course) who was living with my dad, so naturally i was around him too... things all went to shit from this point on... he got into crack really badly (again) and started saying some really weird shit, made me wonder if the person that fathered me was even still in there, or if he was always that person.... after a couple of weeks, he started getting angry for no reason.. and would just generally freak out, one time h e just went off on us for no reason at all, and i was actually scared he was going to try and fight us... (i wouldn't put it past him, he beat the shit out of my littlest brother (at the time) when he was all of a few years old... would hit him with a closed fist, throw him through walls... you name it....) so my brother packed up his shit, and called my mom to come pick us up, my brother moved back in with my mom at that point, and had little to do with my dad... after a month, my brother started hanging around my dad again... but i wasn't around so much.... eventually i got a call from my mom telling me she got a call from the hospital and long story short.. my brother was dead. dad basicly dissapears again. about 6 months-a year later, i start finding out more and more about the story... i spare the details for sake of how long this already getting.. but my theory of what happened that night, was my dad went to get crack, my bro was there and my dad told the dealer he'd be back with the money... and when he never showed, the guy started shit with my brother over it, my brother would never back down from anyone, so the arguing escelated from arguing to him getting a gun pulled on him... and knowing my brother he would have said something like "if you're going to shoot me you better shoot me now" and the dude did.

i just got a call from my dad (right after my brother died and i heard he was going around asking companies for donations to throw a benifit he was never planning on throwing just to further his crack habbit i told him i never wanted anything to do with him again, and if he came around my son i'd kill him. btw i meant it, and i will.) the conversation basicly went

hello?
who is this?
<my name>
oh hi!
hi?
how are you doing?
fine
alll right that's good, well i miss you
i can't say the same to you
can't say the same to me, what? what the fuck is wrong with you people, you're still my son you little dipshit
if you say so
you ARE my son and i love you, but you're an ass hole and he hangs up.
a minute later he tries calling again, so i pick it up and say

just becasue you're my father doesn't excuse what you did
what are you talking about? i haven't done anything!
yeah, well that ain't what i heard
what have you heard?
i proceed to explain everything above
WHAT?! you think i killed my son, what is wrong with you, he's my son! <babbles on a little longer?>
no, i don't think you killed your son, but you were involved..
i'd never kill my son
i just said i didn't think you DID it, i KNOW you were involved, i've read the police reports you were there 2 times that night, one not even 20 minutes before my <brothers name> was killed.
that's bullshit! your mom is telling you this shit, i know where this bullshit is coming from, you know what if you dont' want me to be your dad anymore fine, but you are still my son and i still love you.
some more blah blah blah
fine, you know what, fine then what about me growing up.. you were never around, i grew up without a father, and that IS SOLEY your fault
everyone made it impossible for me to see you
yeah, well you coulda called me more growing up, you didn't have to be here to be a part of my life
your mom wouldn't let me call you
(complete bullshit, she couldn't have stopped him in any way, they live no where near each other, don't talk to each other, and my mom had only slightly more to do with my life then he did)
at this point, there's bunch of things said i can't repeat, not becasue it upsets me (although it does) or anything like that, i just can't remember all this shit anymore....
eventually it goes back to:
if you don't want me to be a part of your life, then i won't.
ok then why are you bothering me?
i'm not bothering you i was just calling to tell my mom happy birthday.
well fine, here she is.
some more shit is said... of course i only knew what my grandma was saying went something like "hi, fine, thank you, 65 (her age), yeah well it's just another birthday (i walk outta the room for a minute or so at this point then come back to hear) well that's his choice, you're going to have to go through him, that's a decision between <my name and wifes name>, well i know how he thinks and feels, and those are his thoughts, i don't tell him how to think, ok i'm on <my name>'s side, you can't come in my house unless i let you, you have warrants here i can call the cops and have them pick you up, really? <hangs up>

i can't believe him... everythign is everybody's fault but his own... he's taking no responsibililty for anything, including him not picking up a phone to call me more when i was growing up...

he's talking about 'coming home' and coming back to our town... and i swear, if the cops don't get to him before i do, i will kill him... i'm sick of him, he's not worthy of life... he's not even worthy of being a sperm in someone's sack...

[Skink]

I don't know what to say right now but,,,don't let him ruin your life anymore... He's a bottom feeder and probobly will not change if he can't fess up to even being a part of your brother's demise he has no conscience either...

Keep the faith Slip...

[smoke it]

bummer. imo, just stay away from him.

[slipknotpsycho]

I don't know what to say right now but,,,don't let him ruin your life anymore... He's a bottom feeder and probobly will not change if he can't fess up to even being a part of your brother's demise he has no conscience either...

Keep the faith Slip...



i'm trying, but it's hard... only those who grew up without a parent can imagine the pain it causes... even if the parent is a complete waste of life, it still hurts the same it's been nearly a half hour and i'm still crying hysterically... i hate this.

[smoke it]

hes still your father, so he will always have some kind of love for you. but, if you dont want it, dont accept it. just move on and put all of this negative thought in the past.

[Skink]

Slip,,, my father left when I was 9,,,he was an abusive drunk and that is my memory... He died a horrible death,,,it was his punishment,,,don't do anything to make your life horrible...

[Bong30]

He is still your father and he deserves that respect but that is it.....

Tell him when he has been clean for a year give me a call and we will work it out.....till then

come near me or my family......ill go fargo on your ass, and put you into a a tree chipper.....click


hang in there slip...

[slipknotpsycho]

as lewis black says "the good die young but pricks live forever" ... i don't expect him to die anytime soon, and somewhere deep down, i know he'll never feel the pain he ever deserves, in life or death. i will not have him around my son, he will never know his grandson, if i have to make sure of that myself. he runs from all of his problems, just like always... when he gets some warrants in one city/state, he moves away right before the cops find him.... hes' been doing this for many many many years...

and it's not so easy just letting go and putting it my past.. my whole life i grew up wondering why my parents didn't want me... atleast my mom came around and started being in my life..

[Skink]

He is still your father and he deserves that respect but that is it.....

Tell him when he has been clean for a year give me a call and we will work it out.....till then

come near me or my family......ill go fargo on your ass, and put you into a a tree chipper.....click


hang in there slip...

That's basically it,,,your convo was to lenient because you feel empty...

he has somthing to prove before you should even consider him your Dad...

[slipknotpsycho]

He is still your father and he deserves that respect but that is it.....

Tell him when he has been clean for a year give me a call and we will work it out.....till then

come near me or my family......ill go fargo on your ass, and put you into a a tree chipper.....click


hang in there slip...

he won't sober up, i know he was intoxicated someway tonight, you can hear it in his voice.. but he told me he was clean anyways... and i'm sorry i don't see things the same way, i believe in respect for elders, but his actions dictate him as being 14-15, i'm 21 so i'm his elder. even at 14 i was more mature (literally) then he is now.... he deserves no respect...

and unless he's ready to pay for drug tests weekly, i won't ever believe he's clean and staying clean.

[Pipe Dreams]

Thats fucked up son, and Im sorry about your brother.

Just wondering, but your brother wasnt into crack also was he?

[TokinAsianGuy]

slipknotpsycho, i'm really sorry to hear about this. i want to tell you that you're dad's a coward, but you already know that.

men like him don't deserve respect until they've earned it, wether they're your father or grandfather.

my mum, sister and I left my father when i was 8 because of his addiction. i'm 20 now and he has yet to show his face. so i know what it's like to know theres some dude out there who claims to be a father when he's anything but. i feel so bad for you and your family, because not only is he a horrible father, but he seems like a horirble human being as well who had an involvement with the death of your brother.

i dunno how you feel about a man-hugs, but if you were a mate of mine who lived locally, i'd give you a hug.

[slipknotpsycho]

he sold it for awhile, cuz it was the only way he knew how to make money (he hated the fact that my dad smoked it, but he would sell it to him, but make him pay twice as much for it, in an attempt to deter him from it, or wear out his money quickly so he would have it half as much) my brother despised crack heads... i never understood his logic... i mean he hated this shit so much, that once someone handed him a pipe with a cap on it and told him it was weed (a known 13 year old crack head, atleast know it's known he's a crack head) my brother started hitting it, noticed it tasted extremely funny and took off the cap, saw it was crack, and decked the mother fucker as hard as he could... and my brother was powerful as hell.... he always told me he hates it, but yet he would supply it.. i tried telling him there are other ways to make money, but this was so quick and easy, he didn't care...

[slipknotpsycho]

i appreciate everyone's thoughts... i didn't post it for pitty or anything (incase someone tries to say i did later on) i posted it cuz i needed to get it off my chest and my wife is at work, and also, so she can read the story when she gets home (by the time she gets home i never really can remember anythign particular, i have horrible memory... so i needed to write it down while it was fresh)

so fitting to my mood right now...
"Creep"

Forward yesterday
Makes me wanna stay
What they said was real
Makes me wanna steal
Livin' under house
Guess I'm livin', I'm a mouse
All's I gots is time
Got no meaning, just a rhyme

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

Feelin' uninspired
Think I'll start a fire
Everybody run
Bobby's got a gun
Think you're kinda neat
Then she tells me I'm a creep
Friends don't mean a thing
Guess I'll leave it up to me

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be,
Half the man I used to be

anyone know anymore songs with music extremely closely to that song... i need it to get my feelings out more.. i use music to get out feelings mostly.

[Skink]

His Mom Your Grandma sounds like a peach!!! be thankful you have her,,,your son,,,and your wife... basically count your blessing when your are down,,,that's the kind of stuff gets me through a lot of crap...

[kiwi]

:o OK i was raised by just a mother because my father was mentally too young to be a good father, and there was my older sister as well in all this. My mum was a solo mum with 2 lil girls and a divorce to deal with at the age of 19. Yes life was hard and even threw out the years my father lived the good life while my mum struggled to bring us girls up. My mum never went on any government support, she worked hard and made sure us girls had the best life she could. My father remarried a lady with two daughters of her own and it was only then my father wanted his own two girls in his life. To cut a long story short I am now 35 and I owe my success to my mother and I have told my father this to his face. I got married in 2001 and my father took it for granted that he was walking me down the aisle, but to his shock I told him that it was a right he did not have and it was my mum that had been there for me for all those years.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a good life and I don't need to have my father around to make my feel like a success. I have a wonderful son, a loving husband and a good life.... BTW my mum is now a self-made millionaire and I have been lucky enough to learn my life skills from her that has meant my hubby and I now live a very comfortable life. :D

[slipknotpsycho]

oh i know.. i love my grandma with all my heart... me and her are extremely close... and we always had the relationship where i could talk to her about ANYTHING and she would be understanding, and be honest.. wouldnt' nessicarily agree with it.. but wouldn't freak out on me, say the time we talked about me and weed... most parents would have freaked out on their child from the first line which was "i smoke weed, and i want to talk to you about it" she said her only problem with it (in the end) was that it was illegal.. and when i'd need some liqour (say i got hurt really bad, i.e. falling out of the attic) she'd get it.. not if i just wanted to get drunk, but she was always very understanding.. and judged the situation for what it is... and nothing else... she IS my mom.... my real mom is more of an aunt if anything... she's there if i need her... a ride somehwere where my grandparents can't drive, have no money for food or food in the house, ect ect... i go over there everyonce in awhile and stay for a day or so, maybe longer, when hurricane rita came and we had to evacuate, we didn't go with her, but when we came home (it was a terrible fucking experience, we went with my wife's sister and the whole time they were just tryign to split us up, and this was days and days of the shit) but we come home and see there's a giant fucking tree that fell and ripped out the power line from the house, and we had no money to fix it (thank god for fema, bet you'd never expect to hear that from someone) she let us come stay over there.. for a solid month or so we lived there.. things were bad but atleast we had a place to stay with electricity... after so long we finally got our fema check (about 900 for my mom for rent and about 1,000 to fix the house, which was more than enough) my mom is there if i need her, and i respect her for that... if things are that bad she's there... i don't hold her not being a major part of my life growing up against her, cuz she tries now.. she's not exactly the best person, but the fact is she tries...

i am thankful for what i have... but what i do have, doesn't and never will make up for what i don't... even if i had a million dollars, no problems in life, an entire family that loved me except my dad... nothing could outweigh the fact that i have no father, and never did... i know i'm not letting go, and that's my problem, but i can't... it's just not in me, beleive me i've tried... i thought i had let go, for over a year when i told him i wanted nothing to do with him, but low and behold, soon as i get on the phone with him, i start blubbering and feeling the pain all over... i just can't do it.

Stonesour - Bother

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

[Solo: Corey]

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

[slipknotpsycho]

:o OK i was raised by just a mother because my father was mentally too young to be a good father, and there was my older sister as well in all this. My mum was a solo mum with 2 lil girls and a divorce to deal with at the age of 19. Yes life was hard and even threw out the years my father lived the good life while my mum struggled to bring us girls up. My mum never went on any government support, she worked hard and made sure us girls had the best life she could. My father remarried a lady with two daughters of her own and it was only then my father wanted his own two girls in his life. To cut a long story short I am now 35 and I owe my success to my mother and I have told my father this to his face. I got married in 2001 and my father took it for granted that he was walking me down the aisle, but to his shock I told him that it was a right he did not have and it was my mum that had been there for me for all those years.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a good life and I don't need to have my father around to make my feel like a success. I have a wonderful son, a loving husband and a good life.... BTW my mum is now a self-made millionaire and I have been lucky enough to learn my life skills from her that has meant my hubby and I now live a very comfortable life. :D

but see, you can obviously let go.. i can't... it's not a i won't matter, i've tried so hard... but i failed.. and believe it or not, i'm a failure at life.. probably the only reason i'm so determined to be a real father for my son, is what i experienced as a child... i have some real problems... and i dont' know how to express them, much less know who to go to..i know i can go to my wife... but any time i do talk to her, it just doesn't make it 'go away' so to speak... i still feel the exact same before and after talking...

saliva - always (doesn't exactly fit but helps me somehow)

I hear, a voice say "Don't be so blind"
It's telling me all these things
That you would probably hide
Am I, your one and only desire
Am I the reason you breathe
Or am I the reason you cry?

Always, always, always, always, always, always,
I just can't live without you...

I love you
I hate you
I can't get around you.
I breathe you
I taste you
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door
And now I'm done with you.

(Done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you)

I feel, like you don't want me around
I guess I'll pack all my things
I guess I'll see you around
It's all, been bottled up until now
As I walk out your door
All I can hear is the sound

Always, always, always, always, always, always,
I just can't live without you...

I love you
I hate you
I can't get around you.
I breathe you
I taste you
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door
And now I'm done with you.

I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you.

I left my head around your heart,
Why would you tear my world apart?

Always, always, always, always.

I see, the blood all over your hands
Does it make you feel, more like a man
Was it all, just a part of your plan
The pistol's shakin' in my hands
And all I hear is the sound.

I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you.
I breathe you
I taste you
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess that i'm out the door
And now i'm done with you.

I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you.
I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I pick myself off the floor,
And now i'm done with you.

Always
Always
Always.

[Greenport]

your dads a low life. if i were u id just erase him from my memory, if i could that is. Just live your life normally. dont let him be a part of it. most likely fuck ur life up. no offence at all.

[Skink]

Slip I'm not a preacher but,,, you need check that drinking,,,last word on that,,,promise...

[Skink]

:o OK i was raised by just a mother because my father was mentally too young to be a good father, and there was my older sister as well in all this. My mum was a solo mum with 2 lil girls and a divorce to deal with at the age of 19. Yes life was hard and even threw out the years my father lived the good life while my mum struggled to bring us girls up. My mum never went on any government support, she worked hard and made sure us girls had the best life she could. My father remarried a lady with two daughters of her own and it was only then my father wanted his own two girls in his life. To cut a long story short I am now 35 and I owe my success to my mother and I have told my father this to his face. I got married in 2001 and my father took it for granted that he was walking me down the aisle, but to his shock I told him that it was a right he did not have and it was my mum that had been there for me for all those years.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a good life and I don't need to have my father around to make my feel like a success. I have a wonderful son, a loving husband and a good life.... BTW my mum is now a self-made millionaire and I have been lucky enough to learn my life skills from her that has meant my hubby and I now live a very comfortable life. :D
But that's Kiwi money,,,everyone knows Kiwi money is not real...

Bravo Kiwi,,,warms my heart to hear stories like yours...

[4gan2ja0]

shit man, wish i could say i feel you, but i have no fucking clue what youre going through now. your dad doesnt mean shit,he's never been there for you or anything. he IS your dad, but he isnt a father if that makes sense. i am truly sorry to hear all that, but aside from him it seems you have a very loving family that you should think about, and not your quote, un-quote dad

[slipknotpsycho]

i'm starting to feel a bit better, not crying so much... music and all your thoughts must be helping.. still really upset over it all, it brought back alot of emotions.. and i was really not ready for it...

[slipknotpsycho]

shit man, wish i could say i feel you, but i have no fucking clue what youre going through now. your dad doesnt mean shit,he's never been there for you or anything. he IS your dad, but he isnt a father if that makes sense. i am truly sorry to hear all that, but aside from him it seems you have a very loving family that you should think about, and not your quote, un-quote dad

lol with the exception of my mom, brothers, grandma, grandpa, son, and wife my entire family hates me... and wants nothing to do with me.. they never have.. pretty much the family i knew consisted of my grandma's kids and their families... and all of her kids have always been jealous of me because i had more growing up then they did... i think to them they think she loves me more then she loved them... but when they were growing up there was five of them, and a very limited income... she tried to give them things... but sometimes it was hard... when it came time for her to raise me, she was better off financially (much better) and there was only one of me... but of course, jealousy never sees logic.

btw my psycho uncle (the one tha'ts tried to kill me, and is now 'screwed' facing 2-10 years in prison for his fifth DUI, and lives just out back in a garage apartment that's on our property) i know for a fact is jealous of me, and always has been... he's admitted it.. he's flat out said that i got more than he did growing up, and he takes it as his mother loves me more than him...

you know i have had one very fucked up life... and i'm truely shocked i haven't already killed myself (although i have tried a few times... i just ended up puking up all the pills and sleeping for a very long time...) much more i'm grateful for the ones i have.. i couldn't have asked for a better wife, or a more perfect son...

[slipknotpsycho]

if anyone wants to keep me company i'll be in chat (which is strange for me cuz i never really go) not even nessicarily wanting to talk about what's going on right now (although we can if youw anna) i just need company

[herostyle]

I hope everything works out for you man

[birdgirl73]

Slipknot, honey, I'm so sorry about all of this. I'm sorta late getting onto the boards tonight and reading this. I must say, your grandma is awesome. And your dad is a train wreck. Always has been. Always will be, most likely. Sounds to me like you're working through your separation and grief right now, which is never easy, but it's necessary, and you're wise to keep him at a safe distance even though I know that hurts, too. You're doing what you need to be doing to protect yourself and your own little family, and that's the right thing, no matter how bad it hurts.

I really admire and respect the fact that the lesson you take from your own upbringing is how not to be that way with your own son, which is a lot more than lots of people who grow up in addicted, dysfunctional families do. Most of them simply pass the insanity and neglect down from generation to generation. You're already 100 times more of a grownup, responsible man than your dad ever was.

I love you, Slipknot. Keep your chin up. And listen to your father Skink's wise advice up there about keeping that drinking in check. You've inherited a double dose of addiction genes from both your parents. When you feel them stirring and urging you toward whatever form of alcohol is your poison of choice, go take a look at that precious toddler in the next room and remember that he's counting on your to be more sober and steady than your parents were for you.

[slipknotpsycho]

i don't think anyone really understands my alcohol use.... lets just say i drink a few beers (12 ozs) to kick up something else i'm doing... well mostly anyways, there are a few times when i just try to get drunk as i can.. but that's pretty rare. i guess you could sayi drink regularly, but i enjoy the taste of beer, at the same time i rarely get drunk...

[slipknotpsycho]

oh yeah, i'm in a pretty decent mood now.. took 5 hours but i'm pretty much as normal as i usually am now..

[chisme]

im sorry mate ,


you knwo i geuss your the only other person i know wh must know what it feels ,.... not knowing your father at all is better then knowing who he is and that he doesnt give a shit about you.

my dads an achoholic, i know its not on the same list as crack but some people u just cant help,


help yoursef, help your family . be the man your dad never was.

[slipknotpsycho]

im sorry mate ,


you knwo i geuss your the only other person i know wh must know what it feels ,.... not knowing your father at all is better then knowing who he is and that he doesnt give a shit about you.

my dads an achoholic, i know its not on the same list as crack but some people u just cant help,


help yoursef, help your family . be the man your dad never was.

i plan to be :)