ok i gotta get this off my chest...

[slipknotpsycho]

don't get me wrong, what i just did hurt me... but i can't ever forgive him....

ok some history... my dad was never there for me NEVER for about the first 14 years of my life, i saw him all of 2-3 times, maybe talked to him on the phone once or twice... then at about 15-16 he tried to come back in my life, nearly forced his way in... i'm crying at this point, to where my clothes are getting soaked.... but i have to get this out... anyways after a few months i went to juvi, got out when i was 18... and i started hanging around my brother (of course) who was living with my dad, so naturally i was around him too... things all went to shit from this point on... he got into crack really badly (again) and started saying some really weird shit, made me wonder if the person that fathered me was even still in there, or if he was always that person.... after a couple of weeks, he started getting angry for no reason.. and would just generally freak out, one time h e just went off on us for no reason at all, and i was actually scared he was going to try and fight us... (i wouldn't put it past him, he beat the shit out of my littlest brother (at the time) when he was all of a few years old... would hit him with a closed fist, throw him through walls... you name it....) so my brother packed up his shit, and called my mom to come pick us up, my brother moved back in with my mom at that point, and had little to do with my dad... after a month, my brother started hanging around my dad again... but i wasn't around so much.... eventually i got a call from my mom telling me she got a call from the hospital and long story short.. my brother was dead. dad basicly dissapears again. about 6 months-a year later, i start finding out more and more about the story... i spare the details for sake of how long this already getting.. but my theory of what happened that night, was my dad went to get crack, my bro was there and my dad told the dealer he'd be back with the money... and when he never showed, the guy started shit with my brother over it, my brother would never back down from anyone, so the arguing escelated from arguing to him getting a gun pulled on him... and knowing my brother he would have said something like "if you're going to shoot me you better shoot me now" and the dude did.

i just got a call from my dad (right after my brother died and i heard he was going around asking companies for donations to throw a benifit he was never planning on throwing just to further his crack habbit i told him i never wanted anything to do with him again, and if he came around my son i'd kill him. btw i meant it, and i will.) the conversation basicly went

hello?
who is this?
<my name>
oh hi!
hi?
how are you doing?
fine
alll right that's good, well i miss you
i can't say the same to you
can't say the same to me, what? what the fuck is wrong with you people, you're still my son you little dipshit
if you say so
you ARE my son and i love you, but you're an ass hole and he hangs up.
a minute later he tries calling again, so i pick it up and say

just becasue you're my father doesn't excuse what you did
what are you talking about? i haven't done anything!
yeah, well that ain't what i heard
what have you heard?
i proceed to explain everything above
WHAT?! you think i killed my son, what is wrong with you, he's my son! <babbles on a little longer?>
no, i don't think you killed your son, but you were involved..
i'd never kill my son
i just said i didn't think you DID it, i KNOW you were involved, i've read the police reports you were there 2 times that night, one not even 20 minutes before my <brothers name> was killed.
that's bullshit! your mom is telling you this shit, i know where this bullshit is coming from, you know what if you dont' want me to be your dad anymore fine, but you are still my son and i still love you.
some more blah blah blah
fine, you know what, fine then what about me growing up.. you were never around, i grew up without a father, and that IS SOLEY your fault
everyone made it impossible for me to see you
yeah, well you coulda called me more growing up, you didn't have to be here to be a part of my life
your mom wouldn't let me call you
(complete bullshit, she couldn't have stopped him in any way, they live no where near each other, don't talk to each other, and my mom had only slightly more to do with my life then he did)
at this point, there's bunch of things said i can't repeat, not becasue it upsets me (although it does) or anything like that, i just can't remember all this shit anymore....
eventually it goes back to:
if you don't want me to be a part of your life, then i won't.
ok then why are you bothering me?
i'm not bothering you i was just calling to tell my mom happy birthday.
well fine, here she is.
some more shit is said... of course i only knew what my grandma was saying went something like "hi, fine, thank you, 65 (her age), yeah well it's just another birthday (i walk outta the room for a minute or so at this point then come back to hear) well that's his choice, you're going to have to go through him, that's a decision between <my name and wifes name>, well i know how he thinks and feels, and those are his thoughts, i don't tell him how to think, ok i'm on <my name>'s side, you can't come in my house unless i let you, you have warrants here i can call the cops and have them pick you up, really? <hangs up>

i can't believe him... everythign is everybody's fault but his own... he's taking no responsibililty for anything, including him not picking up a phone to call me more when i was growing up...

he's talking about 'coming home' and coming back to our town... and i swear, if the cops don't get to him before i do, i will kill him... i'm sick of him, he's not worthy of life... he's not even worthy of being a sperm in someone's sack...

slipknotpsycho Reviewed by slipknotpsycho on 01-14-2007. ok i gotta get this off my chest... don't get me wrong, what i just did hurt me... but i can't ever forgive him.... ok some history... my dad was never there for me NEVER for about the first 14 years of my life, i saw him all of 2-3 times, maybe talked to him on the phone once or twice... then at about 15-16 he tried to come back in my life, nearly forced his way in... i'm crying at this point, to where my clothes are getting soaked.... but i have to get this out... anyways after a few months i went to juvi, got out when i Rating: 5

[Skink]

I don't know what to say right now but,,,don't let him ruin your life anymore... He's a bottom feeder and probobly will not change if he can't fess up to even being a part of your brother's demise he has no conscience either...

Keep the faith Slip...

[smoke it]

bummer. imo, just stay away from him.

[slipknotpsycho]

I don't know what to say right now but,,,don't let him ruin your life anymore... He's a bottom feeder and probobly will not change if he can't fess up to even being a part of your brother's demise he has no conscience either...

Keep the faith Slip...

i'm trying, but it's hard... only those who grew up without a parent can imagine the pain it causes... even if the parent is a complete waste of life, it still hurts the same it's been nearly a half hour and i'm still crying hysterically... i hate this.

[smoke it]

hes still your father, so he will always have some kind of love for you. but, if you dont want it, dont accept it. just move on and put all of this negative thought in the past.

[Skink]

Slip,,, my father left when I was 9,,,he was an abusive drunk and that is my memory... He died a horrible death,,,it was his punishment,,,don't do anything to make your life horrible...

[Bong30]

He is still your father and he deserves that respect but that is it.....

Tell him when he has been clean for a year give me a call and we will work it out.....till then

come near me or my family......ill go fargo on your ass, and put you into a a tree chipper.....click


hang in there slip...

[slipknotpsycho]

as lewis black says "the good die young but pricks live forever" ... i don't expect him to die anytime soon, and somewhere deep down, i know he'll never feel the pain he ever deserves, in life or death. i will not have him around my son, he will never know his grandson, if i have to make sure of that myself. he runs from all of his problems, just like always... when he gets some warrants in one city/state, he moves away right before the cops find him.... hes' been doing this for many many many years...

and it's not so easy just letting go and putting it my past.. my whole life i grew up wondering why my parents didn't want me... atleast my mom came around and started being in my life..

[Skink]

He is still your father and he deserves that respect but that is it.....

Tell him when he has been clean for a year give me a call and we will work it out.....till then

come near me or my family......ill go fargo on your ass, and put you into a a tree chipper.....click


hang in there slip...

That's basically it,,,your convo was to lenient because you feel empty...

he has somthing to prove before you should even consider him your Dad...

[slipknotpsycho]

He is still your father and he deserves that respect but that is it.....

Tell him when he has been clean for a year give me a call and we will work it out.....till then

come near me or my family......ill go fargo on your ass, and put you into a a tree chipper.....click


hang in there slip...

he won't sober up, i know he was intoxicated someway tonight, you can hear it in his voice.. but he told me he was clean anyways... and i'm sorry i don't see things the same way, i believe in respect for elders, but his actions dictate him as being 14-15, i'm 21 so i'm his elder. even at 14 i was more mature (literally) then he is now.... he deserves no respect...

and unless he's ready to pay for drug tests weekly, i won't ever believe he's clean and staying clean.