View Full Version : Joke Time!
Wesley Pipes
08-17-2006, 08:19 PM
Time for some jokes i think, post your best! :)
Enjoy :cool:
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse were up at court for a divorce,
the judge asks Mickey...
"Is it true you are divorcing Minnie Mouse on the account she has bucked teeth?"
Mickey replies...
"No, i never said she had bucked teeth, i said she was fuckin goofy"
:D
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Police did a raid on Micheal Jacksons house looking for drugs...
in the kitchen they found some class A's
in the living room they found some class B's
in the bedroom they found class 5c
:p
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Fashion news:
the latest thing in childrens underwear...
Micheal Jackson!!
:)
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Whats Micheal jacksons favourite song?
The Darkness - "touching yooooooou, touching meeeeeeeeeEEeeeeeeee"
:dance:
crudemood
08-17-2006, 08:21 PM
what did one wall say to the other?
Lets meet at the corner.
Wesley Pipes
08-17-2006, 08:36 PM
lol not bad, made me snigger anyway :)
crudemood
08-17-2006, 08:57 PM
i know it doesnt compare to your jokes :p
okay let me try again
what happened to the peanut when it was walking down the street?
it got assaulted??
okay another peanut joke
how did the peanut die?
they ate his nuts? lol
okay you still win Wesley :thumbsup:
graph
08-17-2006, 08:59 PM
A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."
The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.
"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."
"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."
Nobody says a word.
FeastonThisSHITT
08-17-2006, 09:05 PM
Apologies in advanced for people these offend.
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
----------------
These 2 fags live together right....well neither are employed so one day one the fags comes home and says to his lover "hey i got a job i start tomorrow!" well anyways the next day the fag is getting ready to go to work and comes out of the shower to find his partner on the bed butt naked masturbating with a condom on....confused, he says "hey what are you doing i have to leave for work" to that he replies "well i am so happy you got yourself a job i figured the least i can do is pack your lunch for ya" =)
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(Prolly already heard this one)
What happenes when a Jew with a boner walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
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Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian kid in the face with a frying pan.
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Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.
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Q: What is the most positive thing in harlem?
A: HIV
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Q: What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend?
A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.
------------------
Q. How do you know if a Chinese person robbs your house?
A. Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
----------
Q: What do you call a fat chinese person?
A: A chunk.
------
Q: How are fat bitches and Mo-peds the same?
A: They are both fun to ride, but you don't tell your friends about them.
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Q: How do you blindfold a chinese person?
A: Dental floss.
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Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.
----------
Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full
Q: Why do Jewish girls like to fuck doggy style?
A: They can't stand to see somebody else have a good time.
-------------------
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: One stops sucking when you slap it.
Wesley Pipes
08-17-2006, 09:44 PM
i know it doesnt compare to your jokes :p
okay let me try again
what happened to the peanut when it was walking down the street?
it got assaulted??
okay another peanut joke
how did the peanut die?
they ate his nuts? lol
okay you still win Wesley :thumbsup:
lol i didnt realise it was a competition lol...
but the classics are still the best :)
benagain
08-17-2006, 09:49 PM
"A guy walked into a bar............and it hurt"
-Beavis and Butt-Head This Book Sucks
:stoned:
Oneironaut
08-17-2006, 09:58 PM
I came up with this one on my own. :D
Why did the lonely man join the penis enlargement club?
Because he felt a need to be long.
Wesley Pipes
08-17-2006, 10:34 PM
I came up with this one on my own. :D
Why did the lonely man join the penis enlargement club?
Because he felt a need to be long.
lol that was actually pretty good :)
BizzleLuvin
08-17-2006, 10:49 PM
so Wesley Pipes and Oneironaut decide to move out west and become ranch hands.
one evening they were making thier last rounds, checking on the fenches to make sure everything is nice and secure. they come across a sheep with its head stuck between fence posts. Wesley Pipes see the sheep and thinks to himself 'damn, its real lonely out here..i havent gotten a good lay in at least a year. that sheep looks real temtping right about now'. so he unzips his pants and starts going at the poor sheep. well, he's having a great time and when he finishes, he turns to Oneironaut and says 'hey man, this is real good, you should have a turn'. so Oneironaut unzips his pants and sticks his head betweent he fence posts.
a guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a few layers of saran wrap. he says to the doctor 'doc, whats wrong with me?' and the doctor says 'well, clearly i can see your nuts'
what does a pirate with a wheel attached to his balls say? ''yarrrrr....its drives me nuts''
Oneironaut
08-17-2006, 10:50 PM
so Wesley Pipes and Oneironaut decide to move out west and become ranch hands.
one evening they were making thier last rounds, checking on the fenches to make sure everything is nice and secure. they come across a sheep with its head stuck between fence posts. Wesley Pipes see the sheep and thinks to himself 'damn, its real lonely out here..i havent gotten a good lay in at least a year. that sheep looks real temtping right about now'. so he unzips his pants and starts going at the poor sheep. well, he's having a great time and when he finishes, he turns to Oneironaut and says 'hey man, this is real good, you should have a turn'. so Oneironaut unzips his pants and sticks his head betweent he fence posts.
Holy shit, who told you that? Wesley you bastard, I thought that was supposed to just be our little secret!
graph
08-17-2006, 10:52 PM
What's the deal with airline peanuts?
The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a "Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.
Wesley Pipes
08-17-2006, 10:57 PM
lmao... nice :thumbsup:
amsterdammed
08-17-2006, 11:35 PM
little johnny runs into the farmhouse where his mum and grandma are shelling peas. he yells 'mum! the bull's fucking the cow!'
grandma gasps and clutches her chest in horror. mum drags johnny outside by the scruff of thr neck and says, 'now listen here johnny, you can't go around saying rude words like that! you have to think up another word instead. how about the bull is 'surprising' the cow?' so little johnny is a bit confused, but he shrugs and runs off to play again.
five minutes later he runs back in again and shouts, 'mum! the bull is 'surprising' all of the cows now!' mum sighs and says to johnny, 'no, johnny. he can't be 'surprising' all the cows at once!'
'yes he is!' yells johnny 'he's 'surprising all the cows.... he's fucking the horse!'
amsterdammed
08-17-2006, 11:39 PM
why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?
to get air to the brain
amsterdammed
08-17-2006, 11:43 PM
whats the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
you can negotiate with a terrorist
amsterdammed
08-17-2006, 11:48 PM
worried about his failing eyesight, a man goes to see an optician who oders him to stop masterbating.
'why? am i going blind?' he asks worriedly.'
'no, your eyesight is fine, but it upsets the other patients in the waiting room.'
BabyFacedAbortion
08-18-2006, 12:39 AM
How do you get a one arm stoner out of a tree?
WAVE!
Oneironaut
08-18-2006, 12:40 AM
Or throw him a joint... ;)
james420
08-18-2006, 12:46 AM
what did one blonde's leg say to the other?
nothing, they've never met.
-----------------
what do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
run like hell, shes got a grenade in her mouth
too as in also
08-18-2006, 01:13 AM
whats the first sign of aids.............................................. ........the pounding sensation in your ass:rasta:
amsterdammed
08-18-2006, 01:19 AM
what do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
they can both smell it, but can't eat it.
amsterdammed
08-18-2006, 01:27 AM
walking down an alleyway one night a policeman spots a tramp with his finger shoved up the arse of another tramp. 'what on earth do you two think you are doing?'
the tramp answers, 'my good friend here has drunk too much today and i am simply trying to help him sick it up'.
the concerned policeman said, 'sticking your fingers up his arse won't do much good'.
'obviously officer, but sticking them in his mouth afterwards should work a treat'.
amsterdammed
08-23-2006, 02:08 AM
is everyone out of jokes
here's a quick one
what's the difference between hard and light?
you can sleep with a light on.
slipknotpsycho
08-23-2006, 02:35 AM
A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he's going to be gone for several weeks.
The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but it's kind of expensive."
The man asks "is there's anything else?"
The clerk says "not that will for sure work."
So the man says "alright, what is it?"
"Well it's called voodoo dick. How it works is, you say voodoo dick, then say whatever part of your body you want it to fuck."
Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necissary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.
Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo dick. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said "voodoo dick my pussy".
Instantly the voodoo dick starts fucking her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She's driving there, the voodoo dick still fucking her and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.
He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the fuck are you doing?"
She explains about how her husband didn't want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo dick, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop.
When she finishes he laughs and says "voodoo dick my ass."
This boy just takes his girlfriend back to herhome after being out together,and when they reach the front door he leans withone hand on the wall and says to her,"Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!""Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!""Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!""My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at thedoor in nightgown with hairtotally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says."
Dad says either you have to blow him, I have toblow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob himself, but forGod's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his handoff the intercom!"
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.'
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?"
demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
CottonMouth
08-23-2006, 02:41 AM
"A guy walked into a bar............and it hurt"
-Beavis and Butt-Head This Book Sucks
:stoned:
Classic. But that really made me laugh.:p
MaryjaneAndHashley
08-23-2006, 02:48 AM
omg on only get few of em..... english jokes are fuckin hard for me....
amsterdammed
08-23-2006, 02:58 AM
omg on only get few of em..... english jokes are fuckin hard for me....
english humour is the best, jokes 1,2 and 4 were perfect
i hope you get this one
little johnny asks his mum 'where do babies come from?'
'the stork brings them johnny'
confused little johnny asks 'who fucks the stork then?'
why is it called PMS?
because mad cow disease was already taken
MaryjaneAndHashley
08-23-2006, 06:45 AM
english humour is the best, jokes 1,2 and 4 were perfect
i hope you get this one
little johnny asks his mum 'where do babies come from?'
'the stork brings them johnny'
confused little johnny asks 'who fucks the stork then?'
haha yes i did even if i've never heard stork (i guess thats ''cigogne'')
...i learnt something today :dance: (lol)
Ammie
08-23-2006, 02:22 PM
>A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and
> noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore
> his collar that way.
>
> The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
> The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
>
> The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
> many."
> The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
> doesn't wear his collar that way."
>
> The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
> went back to reading his book.
>
> The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
> said: "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
> collar. "
Oneironaut
08-23-2006, 03:47 PM
A piece of string walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender looks up at him and says "We don't serve pieces of string in here. Get out!" The string, dismayed, leaves the bar. The piece of string really wants to get drunk, so he sits on the sidewalk for a while thinking of how he can get a drink at the bar, when he gets an idea. He frays himself up, ties himself into a knot, and goes back into the bar. The bartender glares at him and says "Hey! Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here just five minutes ago?" to which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
q: what did 50cent say to his grandma after she made him a sweater?
a: gee, you knit?
q: why couldnt g-unit get on the bus?
a: they didnt have 50cent
q: why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
a: for drizzle
Oneironaut
08-23-2006, 04:51 PM
What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his laundry?
Bleeyotch.
CultureCherryPopper
08-23-2006, 05:32 PM
For those familiar with music theory, you may chuckle, may. And if you don't understand music, well skip this one:
One evening, a C, an Eb (said E flat, for those of you unused to notation), and
a G go into a bar. Bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E flat
leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the
fifth is diminished and G is out flat.
F comes in, tries to augment the situation but isn't sharp enough.
D comes in and heads straight for the bathroom saying, " Excuse me, I'll just be
a second."
Then A comes into the bar but the bartender isn't convinced that this relative
of C isn't a minor.
He notices a B flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out, you're
the 7th minor I've found here tonight."
The Eb, not easily deflated, comes back the next night in a 3 piece suit with
nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until
his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in. This
could be a major development."
Which proves to be the case, as the Eb takes off the suit and everything else,
and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The
C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a
minor, and sentenced to 10 years of da capo without coda at an upscale
correctional facility.
On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and
that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
what have blondes and cow shit got in common ?..............The older they are the easier they are to pick up.
What do you call a pregnant terrorist suicide bomber?............................A baby boomer.
Two snakes slithering thru the grass,when one turns to the other and says "are we venomous snakes man or what?" the other replies nah dude were pythons we choke our prey. " thank fuck for that i was worried i just bit my lip.
FeastonThisSHITT
08-23-2006, 11:21 PM
A piece of string walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender looks up at him and says "We don't serve pieces of string in here. Get out!" The string, dismayed, leaves the bar. The piece of string really wants to get drunk, so he sits on the sidewalk for a while thinking of how he can get a drink at the bar, when he gets an idea. He frays himself up, ties himself into a knot, and goes back into the bar. The bartender glares at him and says "Hey! Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here just five minutes ago?" to which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
This one makes me feel like killing myself.
Hear about the stoner terorrist that tried to blow up a bus......................Burnt his lips on the exaust pipe.
Some think the penis is a lucky member...I disagree, he hangs out with nuts ,his next door nieghbour is an asshole and his best friend is a cunt!
Why did the leper leave the party ...........Everyone was using his back as a cheese dip............sorry dudes hope somone gets alaugh,im heaps wasted and in a joke tellin mood.
slipknotpsycho
08-24-2006, 01:09 AM
Why did the leper leave the party ...........Everyone was using his back as a cheese dip............sorry dudes hope somone gets alaugh,im heaps wasted and in a joke tellin mood.
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!
~breathes in deep~
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
eww, eating someone's pus-sy (not to be mistaken with pussy) body fluids that are oozing out of them.... on a chip of all things!
Aces High
08-24-2006, 01:24 AM
Two stoners walking through a forest, one looks down and says to the other "Hey, man, look at the deer tracks". The other looks down and replies "No man, they're wolf tracks". The other replies that they are deer tracks.
"Wolf tracks"
"Deer tracks"
"Wolf tracks!"
"Deer Tracks!!!"
"WOLF TRACKS!!!"
This argument continues for about an hour or so as the two follow the tracks, when suddenly....
They're hit by a train
daima
08-24-2006, 01:47 AM
This lady gets tired of all the men she has dated because they beat her and run around on her, and were lousy in bed. So she puts an ad in the paper looking for a , "good man"
The door bell rings and she answers it and sees this guy with no legs, and no arms. He says..."i'm answering the ad you put in the paper.
She looks down at him and says.., "i'm sorry, but i dont think that this is going to work"
The guys says, "please, give me a chance...., I have no arms so i cant beat you, and i have no legs so i cant run around on you, and if you're worried about the sex,..i did manage to ring the door bell, didnt i ?"
....................============================== .......................
This guy comes in the bar and he's crying.
The bartender says.."Whats the matter buddy? "
The guy says.." I just found out that one of my sons is gay"
The bartender says.." Aw gee, thats no big deal, here have a drink"
The guy leaves and comes back to the bar a few days later, and he's crying once again.
The bartender says.." Now whats the matter?
The guy says.." I just found out that one of my other sons is gay"
The bartender says.." Well, thats ok, this is the year 2006, and it's safer for people to be gay..., here have a drink"
The guy leaves and comes back to the bar , crying again"
The bartender says.." What the hells the matter now? "
The guy says.." I just found out that my 3rd son is gay "
The bartender says,," gee whiz buddy, doesnt anybody in your family like pussy?"
The guys says, " yeah, my daughter does"
____----_____------_-----_--------_----------______-----------__------
dai*ma:stoned:
LuckyNiner
08-24-2006, 03:39 AM
So this guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders 8 shots of vodka. He downs them all in a matter of seconds. The bartender is amazed, and asks him "Wow what's the occasion, buddy?" The man replies that he's just had his first blowjob. "Congratulations," the bartender says, "this one's on the house," and pours him another shot.
"No thanks," says the guy. "If the first 8 didn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
why did cave men drag their women around by the hair??.................They tried dragging them by the feet but they filled up with dirt.
What did the leper say to the prostitute??....................keep the tip.
Man gets home from work to notice his wifes breast size has inreased 10 fold ,he asks "what happened to ur tits woman theyre huge?"The wife replies i bought a magic mirror from the market i stood in front of it and said mirror mirror on the door make my bust a 44 and presto i had huge tits..Ive gotta try this he says and marches up to the mirror drops his pants and says mirror mirror on the door make my cock hit the floor ..................his legs vanished.
Snorbel
08-24-2006, 05:28 AM
Well, once upon a time there was a little girl who became an orphan after her parents were in a terrible car accident. After getting the paperwork settled, the court granted custody to the only person they could find... her uncle.
Her uncle just happened to be a grade A loser. He was a recovering alcoholic, could hardly hold down a job, and rarely got laid. He picked her up from temporary foster care, and drove him to his apartment. Already tired from his job, her incessant whining for food made him toss his hands up in agony. He rummaged around in his cupboard and found a beaten up box of Lucky Charms. Not knowing how old it was and not really caring, he poured the girl a fatty bowl of charms and told her, "Eat your charms, I'm going to take a fucking shower!"
He ran the water, jumped in, soaped himself down and just got to scrubbing his balls when he heard the curtain open...
There was the little girl, wide-eyed and speechless, staring straight at his pecker with her innocent eyes. After an awkward moment of silence, neither party knowing what to do, she pointed and asked, "What's that?"
To which he replied with the first thing that came to his mind, "Why... That's my... 'juicer' of course."
He grabbed a towel to cover his genitals and sat the girl down in front of the T.V. However, the incident frightened him so much that all he could think about was a nice drink to forget his troubles. He took out the scotch, had a few drinks, and noticed it was getting late. He set up the couch and told the girl to get ready for bed.
After the drinks he got the urge to urinate, so he went into the bathroom and had just started a nice stream going when he heard a gasp come from behind. Turning around, the girl had assumed the same wide-eyed and speechless position watching him piss standing up.
"Damn," he thought to himself, "I'm so used to living alone and not closing the door."
Remembering his metaphor from before, he nervously stammered out, "Don't worry, sweetie, your uncle's just making some lemonade with his juicer. Now go to bed."
He saw her disappear and zipped himself up after he finished voiding himself. Now, of course, he felt very awkward because he was so bad at working with kids. He pretended nothing had happened and went over to kiss the girl goodnight. With his clothes on the floor, he jumped in his bed and turned off the light.
He was almost asleep when he heard some noises and what sounded like mice brushing over the carpet. He opened his eyes to see the girl in the moonlight, standing right in front of him, and staring at him with a murderous glare. He nearly jumped out of his skin, rubbed his eyes, and looked at her once again to see that she was just scared and looking at the carpet.
"I'm lonely," she said, "Can I sleep with you?"
She was getting rather annoying and, although he knew he was naked, he just wanted to shut her up, so he let her into the other side of the bed.
"Now go to sleep," he murmured sleepily as he drifted into sleepland.
Again he was disturbed. "I'm thirsty," was the complaint from the little girl.
The uncle moaned as he thought about getting up. "What do you want?"
"Why didn't you give me any of that lemonade you were making?" the girl asked.
"What lemonade!" said the man, "I don't know what you are talking about. I hardly have anything to drink but scotch and water," forgetting all about the previous incident. He thought about lemonade and wondered what the girl was talking about in his half-drunk state. But the drinks had also made him tired, so he dozed off without getting the girl anything to drink.
In his dream, he was walking between rows of tall, green skyscrapers. The streets were deserted, but each building was a store and the storefront windows revealed tons of dolls screaming out to him, asking him questions, and begging for him to take them home.
"No," he cried, "I don't like dolls. I don't know how to take care of you. Leave me alone!"
He started running, faster and faster, but no matter how far he ran he could still hear them and see the dolls from the windows in each and every store.
He cupped his hands over his ears, but it didn't even lower the volume. Instead, they got louder! He had no escape... but up. He took off, soaring into the sky and at peace with himself. Suddenly, a striking woman appeared on a cloud. He flew over and started fervent coitus. Back and forth, back and forth, it was bliss.
He released and opened his eyes. He was sleeping and covered in sweat. Then he remembered about the girl. Urgently, he tossed back the covers to find the girl staring up at him with semen streaked across her nose and cheek.
Not knowing what to say, he said, "What happened?"
To which the girl replied, "Well, for starters, I was terribly thirsty and angry at you for not sharing the lemonade you made earlier. Then you fell asleep without getting me anything to drink at all. I knew I was on my own, so I tried to use your juicer. I thought I got it to turn on, but then it didn't make me any lemonade, so I hit it and it gave me a piña colada instead!"
~:thumbsup:
comments?
slipknotpsycho
08-24-2006, 05:38 AM
he enjoys having his balls smacked? o.0
heard that one before snorb a slightly shorter version.
Snorbel
08-24-2006, 06:30 AM
How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?
When you find the Internet history is filled with porn sites, the keys on the keyboard are crushed, and the joystick smells like pussy.
---------------------------------------------------------
A blonde dons her favorite bikini and heads to the pool with her friends, a brunette, and a redhead. They get bored and the brunette suggests they have a breast stroke race. The brunette barely beats out the redhead and they wait for what seems like forever waiting for the blonde.
"Geez, you're slow!" said the brunette to the blonde.
"Fuck you, you cheater. I saw you use your arms!" the blonde exclaimed.
lmfao good one snorb .i love blonde jokes
Name an animal with a cunt in the middle of its back..........................................a police horse.
graph
08-24-2006, 07:42 AM
A blonde and a brunette jump off of a building. Who hits the ground first?
They both hit the floor at the same time. Hair color does not affect the pull of gravity.
Snorbel
08-24-2006, 08:43 AM
Actually a number of factors would determine their terminal velocities, including clothes, limb position, and mass.
Sorry, don't mean to be an ass and ruin your joke. You're right about hair color being irrelevant :D
slipknotpsycho
08-24-2006, 08:52 AM
A blonde and a brunette jump off of a building. Who hits the ground first?
They both hit the floor at the same time. Hair color does not affect the pull of gravity.
you said jump off a building, not inside...
daima
08-24-2006, 01:46 PM
For those familiar with music theory, you may chuckle, may. And if you don't understand music, well skip this one:
One evening, a C, an Eb (said E flat, for those of you unused to notation), and
a G go into a bar. Bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E flat
leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the
fifth is diminished and G is out flat.
F comes in, tries to augment the situation but isn't sharp enough.
D comes in and heads straight for the bathroom saying, " Excuse me, I'll just be
a second."
Then A comes into the bar but the bartender isn't convinced that this relative
of C isn't a minor.
He notices a B flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out, you're
the 7th minor I've found here tonight."
The Eb, not easily deflated, comes back the next night in a 3 piece suit with
nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until
his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in. This
could be a major development."
Which proves to be the case, as the Eb takes off the suit and everything else,
and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The
C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a
minor, and sentenced to 10 years of da capo without coda at an upscale
correctional facility.
On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and
that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
what do you call a Banjo player without a girlfriend?
Homeless
dai*ma:stoned:
daima
08-24-2006, 01:50 PM
lmfao good one snorb .i love blonde jokes
what do you get when you trun a blond up-side-down?
A brunette with bad breath:confused:
dai*ma:stoned:
dark0ne
08-24-2006, 02:37 PM
A women was making breakfast for her 3 kids, and accedentaly knocks b.b. gun pellets into the eggs. her first kid goes to the can and comes down crying "momy momy i took a pee and it came out pellets!" The second kid "momy momy i took a poo and it came out pellets". now mom is getting scared so she calls her third kid in to go to the E.R.. he comes in crying "momy momy i was jerking off....... and i shot the dog!"
What does a vampire use instead of teabags?...........................uused tampons.
what do you get when you trun a blond up-side-down?
A brunette with bad breath:confused:
dai*ma:stoned: lmfao....... great work man
graph
08-25-2006, 10:35 AM
you said jump off a building, not inside...
That's the joke... I think.
For a bunch of stoners, you guys pay a lot of attention.
amsterdammed
08-26-2006, 08:47 PM
Hear about the stoner terorrist that tried to blow up a bus......................Burnt his lips on the exaust pipe.
lol!
great jokes dude. :D
amsterdammed
08-26-2006, 09:13 PM
3 rottweilers are talking in the waiting room at the vets surgery. the first dog says, 'i was out walking with my master when a thug attacked him. i chased the bloke, caught him by the throat and savaged him to death. so i'm here to be put down'.
the second dog says, 'i was in the house when a burglar broke in and tried to nick the tv and stereo, so i pinned him down and bit his arm off. i'm here to be put down too'.
the third dog tells his tale, 'i was patrolling the house one evening and i wandered into the bathroom to see my masters wife naked, bending over the bath. i leapt up and gave her a jolly good seeing to doggy style'. the other dogs asked pitifully, 'and your here to be put down too, right?'
'no, i'm here to get my nails cliped'.
amsterdammed
08-26-2006, 10:46 PM
why do farts smell so bad?
so the deaf can enjoy them too.
amsterdammed
08-26-2006, 10:53 PM
a guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, 'if you woke up in the woods and scratched your arse and felt vaseline(ky jelly), would you tell anyone?'
'of course not!' the guy said.
the stranger then asked, 'if you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?'
'no way' said the guy.
'great' said the stranger. 'fancy going camping then?'
amsterdammed
08-26-2006, 10:56 PM
what's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
spitting, swallowing and gargling.
smoke it
08-27-2006, 01:11 AM
to anyone who's gay and/or is offended by the following joke, shut up. you can take a dick in the ass, so you can take a joke---
Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, ??I don't care if I die, I need a drink.? The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, ??If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.?
amsterdammed
08-27-2006, 01:16 AM
what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
full
amsterdammed
08-27-2006, 01:17 AM
what do you call a japanese paedphile?
porkum youg
amsterdammed
08-27-2006, 01:22 AM
a group of gay men were sitting together in the jacuzzi when a bit of sperm rose to the waters surface.
one of them automatically asked, 'who farted?'
slipknotpsycho
08-27-2006, 03:00 AM
ok here it goes, the biggest joke of all times!!!!
GEORGE BUSH WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT!
napolitana869
08-27-2006, 03:44 AM
twice
twice
the 2nd time is no joke....
slipknotpsycho
08-27-2006, 03:59 AM
the 2nd time is no joke....
it was just plain stupidity? lol
it was just plain stupidity? lol
no, cause its not even funny the 2nd time
the first time brought us many bush jokes, and the show thats my bush(it was pretty funny).
lol!
great jokes dude. :D lol great laughs frm yours too man:thumbsup:
Oneironaut
08-27-2006, 05:13 AM
twice
Actually, he was only elected once. He stole the election the first time around, remember?
fuck wasting joke time talkin abt bush! can we get back to the jokes now plz
What do they do left over skin after circumcising babies.............................Sell it to fags for chewing gum.
amsterdammed
08-27-2006, 01:54 PM
a young man with a particularly small penis takes his girlfriend to bed for the first time. embarrassed at his lack of dick, he insists on turning out the light. in the darkness he puts his erection into her hand and is understandably hurt when she says, 'no thanks, i don't smoke'.
ok so there was this midget
and he was in a bar, and suddenly this rlly hot chick walks up to him.
they talk a little and she just says "you know, ive nvr been with a midget before.... i want u to fuck me" so the midget thinks that this could be a good idea, but he makes her promise she cant open her eyes the whole time....
so they go and start having at it, with her eyes closed of course
and she is just loving it, moaning and she shouts "this is the best sex ive ever had!!!"
the midget replys "just wait till i get my other foot in!"
Yuck! foot fucked..............lmfao.
What do you call a goodlooking lebanese guy...............Asif.
Smokingpinky
08-28-2006, 02:30 PM
Okay, so there are two muffins in an oven. One looks over to the muffin next to him and says "phew...its getting hot in here" the other muffin looks back and screams "AHH A TALKING MUFFIN!".
^ its about the funniest joke if you are really high
Wesley Pipes
08-28-2006, 03:18 PM
dunno if anyones heard this one before, its quite old (in my neck of the woods anyway)...
So Bruce Willis, Sly Stallone and Micheal Jackson are on this plane right, theres also a few kid passengers too..
so the plane starts to go down...
Willis:" theres only 3 parachutes!!"
Stallone: "Thats cool, theres enough for us then"
Willis: "What about the kids?"
Stallone: "Fuck the kids!"
Jackson: "Do we have time!??"
:dance:
Wesley Pipes
08-28-2006, 03:38 PM
what do u call a russian with 3 balls?.....
Whodya Nikabollockov
Wesley Pipes
08-28-2006, 03:42 PM
whats the peak of pain??
a one armed man hanging off the edge of a cliff with itchy balls :p
yankeesgirl83
08-28-2006, 05:45 PM
Two stoners are sitting on a couch after just having smoked. They hear a knock on the door. A half hour passes. One of them says "I think someone knocked on the door." A half hour passes. The other says "Maybe we should see who it is." A half hour passes. They get up and walk to the door. A half hour passes. They open the door. On the other side is their friend, another stoner. He grins when he sees his friends and says "Damn, you two are quick!"
chisme
08-28-2006, 05:59 PM
where does sadam hussain put al his cd's?
iraq ( ai-rack /a-rack)
why does a dog lick his dick?.....................cause he can.
man finds bottle on beach opens it out comes a jeanie so he gets the 3 wishes 1st wish plz says the jeanie , um ithink ill get rid of all terrorist in the world ......bang .it was done no terrorists on earth. Next wish plz says the jeanie.um Ithink ill get rid of all politicians aswell........bang..... it was done ....next wish plz says jeanie......ummmmm........lets see no terrorists no politicians........ ill just have a coke thanx!
pogmoasal1
08-30-2006, 12:08 AM
^^ that spawns from a racist joke. funny none the less
ok here we go this one is straight from the mother
why dont you hear bunnys have sex?
cause they have cotton balls.
and now one from my scottish dad
how did the scottsmen find his sheep in the tall grass?
very satisfying
what do u call a russian with 3 balls?.....
Whodya Nikabollockov classic comedy lmfao..:thumbsup:
bear and a rabbit taking ashit in thr woods bear says to rabbit. Do u av any problems with shit sticking to ur fur?.no says the bunny.So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass..lol i love this one!
Smokingpinky
08-30-2006, 05:53 PM
Judging from your joke and your avatar...someone has a muffin fetish.
Haha, no actually, when I was just trying to think of something for my avatar I thought of how funny that joke was one time when I was high and it was created. Muffins are good...but not that good, lmao.
What is transperant and lies in the gutter............a crackhead with the shit kicked outta him.
How do you get 50 jews in a mini............throw a quarter on the back seat.
How does a blind parachutist know when he is gettin near the ground?......................................When his dog leash goes slack.
larken75
09-04-2006, 04:11 PM
A couple of years ago I went out with some friends and told my wife I'd be home by 12 or so. Well, as usual my budsand I got shitfaced and they talked me into going to the strip club. I knew I would be in real trouble when I got home (4am), so I thought I would try to improve my situation. When I got home there was someone sleeping on my couch with the tv on. Figuring my wife fell asleep waiting to yell at me, I thought I'd try to have a little fun. I lifted the covers by her feet and proceeded to strip her and gave here a little oral pleasure. She never really woke up so I figured maybe she had something to drink and actually passed out. Anyway, she kinda gave me a little moan or two and I decided to give up. I went to the bathroom to wash up and had the shit scared out of me by my wife (sitting on the toilet.) I yelled and she jumped up and said shhh... You'll wake your mother......
buddymyfriend
09-04-2006, 04:33 PM
A couple of years ago I went out with some friends and told my wife I'd be home by 12 or so. Well, as usual my budsand I got shitfaced and they talked me into going to the strip club. I knew I would be in real trouble when I got home (4am), so I thought I would try to improve my situation. When I got home there was someone sleeping on my couch with the tv on. Figuring my wife fell asleep waiting to yell at me, I thought I'd try to have a little fun. I lifted the covers by her feet and proceeded to strip her and gave here a little oral pleasure. She never really woke up so I figured maybe she had something to drink and actually passed out. Anyway, she kinda gave me a little moan or two and I decided to give up. I went to the bathroom to wash up and had the shit scared out of me by my wife (sitting on the toilet.) I yelled and she jumped up and said shhh... You'll wake your mother......
lol :(
What do u get when u cross a jehova witness with a hells angel..?........... someone that knocks on your door and tells u to fuck off!
rottenPauL
09-09-2006, 01:43 AM
well the rabbit is in the middle of the forest. He places his balls one a large rock, and with another hits em together while shouting "yah baby, im so horny". So the lion passes by and watches the whole thing. "What the fuck??!?! Rabbit get horny by smashin his balls, and I cant do it? Me? King of the forest?!?!??!?!??". So he pushes the Rabbit away, take his giant balls, place them over the rock, takes the other rock and hits em" AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHGHTHHdlj;lkjhDGHM!!!@@!@!#!" his balls now were a blood/flesh mass. "YOU FUCKIN PERVERD RABBIT, HOW DO U GET HORNY WHEN UR SMASHIN UR BALLZ????". "I get horny when i miss them" sais Rabbit.
MORE MORE MORE PLZ I NEED A LAUGH PLZ.
slipknotpsycho
04-05-2007, 12:22 AM
well the rabbit is in the middle of the forest. He places his balls one a large rock, and with another hits em together while shouting "yah baby, im so horny". So the lion passes by and watches the whole thing. "What the fuck??!?! Rabbit get horny by smashin his balls, and I cant do it? Me? King of the forest?!?!??!?!??". So he pushes the Rabbit away, take his giant balls, place them over the rock, takes the other rock and hits em" AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHGHTHHdlj;lkjhDGHM!!!@@!@!#!" his balls now were a blood/flesh mass. "YOU FUCKIN PERVERD RABBIT, HOW DO U GET HORNY WHEN UR SMASHIN UR BALLZ????". "I get horny when i miss them" sais Rabbit.
lol i've herad that 100 times but it's funny as fuck still.
Professor Dan K.
04-05-2007, 12:46 AM
SO theres this new movie coming out this summer, its an action/adventure movie about 3 classical music composers. its gonna star sylvester stallone, bruce willis and arnold schwarzenegger (sp?).
the three of them are talking with director steven spielberg about which parts they will all play.
"which composer would you like to be bruce?" asked spielberg
"well ive always been a fan of chopin, id like to play him" said bruce
"and you sylvester?" asked spielberg
"mozarts the one for me" replied stallone
"and what about you arnold?" spielberg asked schwarzenegger
"ill be bach" said arnold
Aristotle
04-05-2007, 03:07 AM
Knock knock
Who's there?
Smelmap
Smelmap Who?
Hahahahahaha, freakk1!!!!
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