Do I pray? Do I go to the doctors? Do I tell my shrink all of this?

[Tom Swierzbinski]

Since I was 15 Ive been seeing a shrink. Done a few overdoses, most just to get rid of the pain but with one I really hoped it would kill me. Took a shitload of tablets (didnt bother counting them, Im not that pathetic) one night, went to sleep and woke up in the morning tripping balls because of all the chemicals that were in my body. It got worse a couple of years ago (when I was 16) at Easter. I talked to my mum about religion for two hours, cooked a curry, ate it then went up to my room. Wrote a suicide note, loaded my air rifle, put it under my chin and pulled the trigger. Only reason Im still here is because it ricoched off a tooth. Dammit, me canting the rifle to one side again. I was always doing that.
I havent been able to hold a job for more than a month. I havent been bothered to look for a job. Claiming benefits, and still I cant be arsed to look for a job. No motivation whatsoever. I dont care if I can buy a new PC with the money from a job, I dont care if I can buy pounds and pounds of bud. I just dont care anymore.
Cant be bothered to see my girlfriend anymore. Cant be bothered to get up and cook some food. Cant be bothered to water my plants. I just have no motivation to do anything at all. If the house was burning down around me, Id probably just sit here and pray and ask God to forgive my many sins. Ive been like this for years, but now its got worse. I was on 1600mg of sodium valproate each day for about a year and a half (mood stabiliser) and 140mg per day of lofepramine (anti depressant) for just under a year. Decided to stop them around Christmas 2005 because I felt I didnt need them anymore. Up until March this year I was fine, then I went and cut myself again. Felt ashamed about it, so I did it again. God that was addictive. Had to really stop myself from doing it, because I just love the feel of the knife running over my skin and feeling the warm blood run down my wrist and arm. Bliss.
Lately Ive been feeling more and more depressed. Spending all day in bed and not getting up until its nighttime, which I prefer because theres less people around. I dont really talk much unless Im stoned either, Ive never really been very sociable. Id rather sit in and read a book than go to a party or down town with my mates (the few I have left). When I was with Emily I used to feel that warm feeling in my soul, now I dont feel anything. Its like Im an empty shell. The only thing that brings me enjoyment is shooting, but Im scared of going shooting incase I decide to top myself.
Sometimes I feel so 'amped' that I cant sleep for 48 hours. Its like being on ecstacy (never done it, just something to compare it to), and thats what I was like when I stopped my meds. Now Ive gone downhill again and I want to cut myself. I dont want to die (not today anyway) I just love cutting myself because it makes me feel so alive and vulnerable. I dont want to go on ANY meds again, and I know that Ill probably be on and off them for life. If that happens, Ill kill myself. If I carry on like this for another month, Ill kill myself.
I used to go out for a run, feeling like shit. Id take a knife with me, hoping that someone would give me an excuse to use it. I walk down the street, fantasising about stabbing people just because they give me a weird look. I am actively seeking a firearm to carry round with me, for two reasons. One is for self defense, the other is so I can shoot myself if I feel like doing so.
I want to go out and kill every last cunt thats made my life hell. If I could, I would - not with a gun, Id strangle them with my bare hands and watch the life drain out of their eyes. Feel their body go limp and twitch.

Do I tell my parents/shrink this? Yeah I know they can help, but I can see two things happening.
1. Going back on meds. I wont be able to live like that.
2. Going back to the nuthouse. I wont be able to live like that either.

What the fuck do I do? Flame me, help me, do whatever. I just dont care anymore.

[beachguy in thongs]

Have your parents take you to social services. They'll figure out how to help you.

Just stay away from everything, but Herb, including your friends if they're gonna fuck-up your life.

Actually, you're 18?

Hold on, I'll be back.

edit: be careful.

* In addition, cannabis use at age 18 might be a consequence of emerging psychosis (that is, psychosis precedes cannabis use, not vice versa)

http://www.health.vic.gov.au/drugser...s/cannabis.htm

[enthused]

Smoke weed. If you are ever in houston texas area ill smoke you out bud. Just dont stab me please.

get a hobby that you like doing 24/7
i dont know what really to tell you

hope you get better man :)

[Tom Swierzbinski]

Beachguy - Herb and alcohol has become an escape route for me now. I know that, I admit it, I just cant be fucked to do anything about it. It works for me, and thats all I need. Ill read that link after Ive written this post. Also, I dont have many friends. I have one that I see often (Ben), and half a dozen others that Ill talk to if I see walking down the street.
Enthused - I just dont find anything interesting anymore. Even when Ive smoked a spliff, I feel on top of the world for a few hours, go sleep then wake up feeling like shit again.
Billionfold - Im the one who wins.

[beachguy in thongs]

C'mon, Swizzy, you're immortal. How could you kill yourself?

[Tom Swierzbinski]

How could I kill myself? Well, I wouldnt want to do something boring like slitting my wrists or shooting myself. Id want to go out with a bang, at least give something for people to remember me by seeing as theres fuck all now. Actually, its weird. I feel a little better now. Not because Ive talked to people, not because 'youve giving me attention' (Im sure some asshole is gonna come up with that sooner or later). I dont know why. My moods swing from 0 to 100 in minutes. Docs have said that Im bipolar and that just makes me shit myself knowing that Im gonna have to cope being like this for years.
I think Ill go act out my nuttyness in my book.

[Tom Swierzbinski]

Who loses?

Maybe me. Maybe my family. Maybe my girlfriend. As far as I can see, I win each way. I mean, if I cant hold a job for more than a month and I cant stay at college for more than a few months then whats the point in anything? I wanna get into journalism, but I tried to do that last year at Tresham College and I dropped out after a few months because my sleep cycle is so erratic. I really wanna do well in life, its just that I cant be fucked.

[beachguy in thongs]

Keep posting, billionfold. I'm sure your signature is boosting his confidence.

You're words will live on forever, Swizzy. As long as billionfold does. Actually, when billionfold dies, his account will still be here. And so will you, Swizzy!

[likemclever]

Yes, you need to tell your therapist. I admire the fact you posted this. Hang in there and get help. I hope this isnâ??t some sort of sick joke (believe it or not Iâ??ve seen that sort of thing happen here.) But that aside you need to get help suicide and death is not romantic.

You have a responsibility to get help before you hurt someone.

So, I know this is a stupid question but happened to you to make you feel this way. Did something crazy happen to you growing up or is this just a biological chemical thing in your head. Iâ??m not being bitchy Iâ??m just wondering?

[t3chyo]

I would say only herb(no alcohol), meditation maybe? If you think nothing will work than yes, I think you should pray, pray, and pray. I think this world has something to offer for you, find it and than you will realize. Patients, patients, and more patients. Suicide is a perminent solution for a temporary problem, remember that when your thoughts turn against you. Learn how to enjoy yourself, you know you can.:rasta: :thumbsup: :rasta:

[willystylle]

If you're that fucked up then I say no weed, no booze, no drugs. Like Enthused said, get a hobby.

[beachguy in thongs]

Tom, take it easy. Don't mind me.

[Breukelen advocaat]

Dietary changes and exercise would probably help.

I would try an elimination diet, also. The problems could possibly be traced to things like casein (in milk), gluten (a protein in wheat, barley, and rye), various additives, sugar, or any number of things.

These types of depression seem to be a recent phenomenon, and so are a lot of the things that we eat. The paleo diet (aka â??caveman dietâ??) is similar to what our ancient ancestors ate - and many people would be better off consuming things that their body is programmed to tolerate. Iâ??m not completely on it yet, buy am working towards it. I feel much better since Iâ??ve eliminated various foods that were harmful, and replaced them with healthy ones.

http://paleodiet.com/

[t3chyo]

another thing to consider, if you leave us, what happens if therse no herb in the afterlife? I would be pist to know I've thrown out 60+ years I could of spent smoking some sweet cheeba:)

[t3chyo]

If you kill yourself we'll have to remember you as...

EMO-Swizz

no one wants to be EMO...........no ONE!!!!!!!!

[SomeGuy]

Yeah, I would most deffinately stop the alcohol at all cost. Alcohol though it seems like it helps, really really maes depression ALOT worse. IT is also never a good idea to mix Alcohol with Bi-Polar Disorder...I have a family member who has done this and it led to severe problems...Please...just remember..you will die eventullly when the time is right. Why not wait till then? Lifes so short anyway...look at all the positive things..make/come up with some if your having trouble...email at [email protected] and I can give you my AIM sn if your seriously having trouble and would like to talk....

[Doctor mj]

you sound exactly like me, except i dont have a girlfriend.
and i dont use medication.
Maybe stop using the medication and get over the first few weeks of torture, then you'll be back to normal again. dont drink! that causes more depression.
medication wont solve anything, in the long run.

[Tom Swierzbinski]

I've posted this somewhere before, but it always cheers me up.

Tom, the next time you feel like you're having a real shitty day, imagine this. You're a siamese twin. Your brother, who is a homosexual, is having company tonight. You only have one ass.

As long as the guy is my age, slim and blonde then thats fine. But trust me, Ill be clenching my cheek as hard as I can. Thats an out hole only.

I think Im going to cut down on the herb and stop the booze. I drink way too much right now. Halfway to becoming a wino - in the mornings I dont just have a glass of orange juice, I have a glass of vodka and orange.
No Im not joking about this. Ive only ever told two people this - Ben and Emily.
Likemclever, I really dont know what triggered this off. All I cant remember is that I just started cutting myself one day. Actually, thinking about it, I can remember some details. I was going through a tough relationship at the time, and she was constantly going in and out of the nuthouse, stopping her meds, taking overdoses and threatening to kill herself. I think I started cutting as a coping mechanism for all of that, but I dont know when I started to feel depressed or suicidal. It just sort of... happened.
I used to go for a run when I felt depressed, but lately my motivation levels have reached zero. Plus, I wouldnt go out round this area past 10pm without some form of protection (not a condom...)
Beachguy, please, carry on with the comments. And everyone else. I take nothing seriously lol.
Jeez, I really dont want to be remembered as an Emo. Even though I have none of the emo traits. Im not skinny, I dont wear horrid thick rimmed glasses, and I listen to decent music. Plus I have short hair and want to tye dye my clothes so I look like an LSD trip when I walk down the street.
Breukelen advocaat (is that French?) Im going to try that diet thing.
And as for getting a hobby... there really isnt anything that interests me in the slightest. I enjoy shooting because Im using a skill thats taken me years to build up, and each time I go down the field I KNOW that 99% of the time I can hit what Im aiming at. It just feels rewarding using a skill thats taken years to build up.

Edit: Ive been like this for a while, and I smoke between 3 and 7 grams a month. Surely thats not classed as 'heavy use'? Although it has been a lot higher lately - coping mechanism - like an ounce a month.

[alpha kenny wun]

First...alcohol is a depressent, so if your already depressed, its only gonna make it worse. I would stop the booze. I think that doctors are to quick to medicate, and there are a lot of support groups out there where you can discuss and talk to people that are in a similar situation. I find it comforting to be able to talk to someone who actually understands what your going through, and not a doctor who reads it in a book or a parent that might make things worse. Just hang in there, take things one day, hour, or minute at a time. Suicide is not the answer. Hate to sound cliche, but life really is a gift. Get stoned, walk outside, watch clouds, listen to birds, whatever. Hang in there....it will get better.....

[Sauce]

Its nothing worth killing yourself over, i've dealt with depression and suicide in my young years and it took awhile for me to understand it just aint worth it. theres so many things out there for you to see, so many things for you left to do. I say go talk to your shrink and discuss your problems, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Keep your head up man take care

[JunkYard]

I read the opening post, but didn't bother with the entire thread, so if I repeat something I appologize.

First, you sound like youve been diagnosed bipolar. Is this true? Your taking Depakote, something I once took for my bipolar. Listen, until you get stabalized continue your med regime, man. It helped me tremedously!

I've been suicidal on many occasions, and the only thing I can say is that the meds helped. I stayed away from MJ during these times, and that helped as well. Tell you pdoc everything that doesn't incriminate you. If you're homicidal, I wouldn't tell them unless your ready to be hospitalized. Then again, this may be what's needed right now. I always found hospitalization to be a vacation of sorts. It allowed me to get back on my feet if you will.

Sucicide is not the answer, but you know this. Just allow yourself to be helped, man. There's nothing wrong with taking meds when you need them, and there is nothing wrong with a hospital stay if you're thinking of offing yourself.

Just get some help, man! Let the doctors do what they do, and listen to them.

It's not a bad thing, bro! ;)

[graph]

Wow, I've never been suicidal. I got my head stuck in a bucket once, if that counts.

I think that right now, you're just kinda depressed and nothing makes that much sense. No offense, but you're looking at this from kind of a selfish point of view. Stop thinking about yourself and think about who's lives you truly affect. All of us, for one.

I'd definitely suggest a break from the drugs. All drugs, altogether. They can only enhance your life if you have a life to enhance. Once you realize how great it can be, it'll make everything ten times better.

Change you diet and drug-intake, and it will change your life. For the better, I promise. If it doesn't, then I'll owe you fifty bucks.

[graph]

Even though he is being selfish, that's only part of human nature. When you get feeling as down as he is, it's only natural to feel the need to only look out for yourself. He's only thinking of himself because that's who is in the most trouble. He'll pull through.

Yeah, when we're in trouble, we're the only ones we tend to think about. That doesn't mean it's right. To me, suicide is selfish. Then again, I've never really had serious suicidal thoughts, so I guess maybe that's why.

I was about to make a few jokes regarding suicide and clown outfits, but felt it would have been in bad taste. Here's to you, Swizzy.

[Tom Swierzbinski]

I wanna hear the jokes.

Now Im feeling a little better, I can put things in perspective more. Im a very... whats the word... impulsive person. If I feel like shit, Ill go and cut myself or take a load of tablets. I wont wait to feel better, even though I usually do in a couple of hours.
Bollocks. Its like 8.20 and Ive gotta be at Blockbusters in 40 mins. Time for my last spliff for a while and then SSS (Shit, Shower, Shave).
Ill probably end up writing all this down (there is more, but Im not willing to share that with anyone apart from my shrink) then giving it to her. Ill edit the bits about being a homicidal maniac for the time being though.

[graph]

Wow, it's 12:30 here in America. Damn Greenwich.

First thing you're gonna wanna do is find another fat funny guy to take your place. That way, your family will be sad, but not too sad. (don't take offense, I'm one too. In fact, I'll do it if the pay's good)

Before you die, open jars for people. Nobody likes opening jars, and at least that way you'll be remembered. Instead of "goodbye tom", it'll be "goodbye tom, the jar-opener"

Next, go ahead and wear a clown suit on the day you plan to do yourself in. That way people will won't be too depressed at your death. I mean, come on, what's funnier than a dead clown?

If you're suicide note's long, make a cliffnote's version. Nobody reads.

[JunkYard]

The spinning skull known as JunkYard has spoken!
Also pay no attention to the man behind the curtains...

Man behind the curtains? :eek:

[JunkYard]

Wow, it's 12:30 here in America. Damn Greenwich.

First thing you're gonna wanna do is find another fat funny guy to take your place. That way, your family will be sad, but not too sad. (don't take offense, I'm one too. In fact, I'll do it if the pay's good)

Before you die, open jars for people. Nobody likes opening jars, and at least that way you'll be remembered. Instead of "goodbye tom", it'll be "goodbye tom, the jar-opener"

Next, go ahead and wear a clown suit on the day you plan to do yourself in. That way people will won't be too depressed at your death. I mean, come on, what's funnier than a dead clown?

If you're suicide note's long, make a cliffnote's version. Nobody reads.

Speaking of jars...

If you off yourself, leave a little essence of Tom behind! Seal your farts in the jars, so you'll be remembered when the family opens them. ;)

[alpha kenny wun]

Wow, it's 12:30 here in America. Damn Greenwich.

First thing you're gonna wanna do is find another fat funny guy to take your place. That way, your family will be sad, but not too sad. (don't take offense, I'm one too. In fact, I'll do it if the pay's good)

Before you die, open jars for people. Nobody likes opening jars, and at least that way you'll be remembered. Instead of "goodbye tom", it'll be "goodbye tom, the jar-opener"

Next, go ahead and wear a clown suit on the day you plan to do yourself in. That way people will won't be too depressed at your death. I mean, come on, what's funnier than a dead clown?

If you're suicide note's long, make a cliffnote's version. Nobody reads.

I think thats the best advice yet. Almost peed my pants. You should be a shrink....or comedian.....good stuff

[Breukelen advocaat]

Breukelen advocaat (is that French?) Im going to try that diet thing.

No, the words are not French, although I believe I have some French ancestry. It's Dutch, and I have some Dutch ancestry, but I've only been to Holland once on vacation. Also, I'm from Brooklyn, NY, and the Dutch settled in Brooklyn in the 17th century.

How Modern Eating Habits May Contribute to Depression
by Ron Hoggan M.A. & James Braly M.D.
http://depression.about.com/cs/diet/a/foodallergies.htm

This ia a very good book (I have a copy) by the authors of the above article:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1583331298/104-4710870-7942360?v=glance&n=283155

[friendowl]

would you mind if i cut deeply in to your arm
you like the way it feels and i like to cut
its a win win situation

killing yourself is boring
if you really wanna die
you should use that energy
to make changes.

i dont understand how peoplke can flip
out in there minds.
i think when it comes down to it people who kill themselves
are weak and are afraid to live.
to each his own
i like pain
life is pain

[beachguy in thongs]

I learned of suicide through my peers and I'm sure that most of you have, also. Just remember that your peers haven't made it as far in life as your grandmother. If anyone wants to commit suicide, they need a note from their grandmother, first.


Wow, I've never been suicidal. I got my head stuck in a bucket once, if that counts.



I saw, last night, on America's Funniest Home Videos, on WGN, a video of a young kid with his head stuck in his mailbox. His father was there, trying to help, and a car passed by.

Man, do I wish I was in the backseat.

[minnesota man]

Beachguy, what are you doing watching AFV? That's going to cut into your 37.09 posts/day.

[Shelbay]

If your Dr. diagnosed you bipolar..have you ever been prescribed lithium? Bipolar is a chemical imbalance that responds to lithium and diet changes from what I seen. Ask your Dr. about Lithium..I have seen people like you cutting..here native americans do that and its called blood letting..says it makes them feel better..but after taking their meds they stop..I hope you seek treatment again..maybe you need a 2nd opinion on what treatment would be right for you..try another Dr. Fight it and take your life back..beat it..the mental health community is overworked and understaffed so sometimes people do fall through the cracks.

[MaryJaneintheCloset]

Hang in there Tom... everyone seems to be giving you good advice. We're here if you need us.

[beachguy in thongs]

Beachguy, what are you doing watching AFV? That's going to cut into your 37.09 posts/day.

My ex-g/f was on the computer.

[robert42]

i too amdire u for posting this

life is hard but for some even harder

You need to change your whole lifestyle, think about it the lifestyle u live now aint working so a change cant be bad.

Do something new, join a gym have a meaning to wake up in the morning. think of startin a family in later years.

move if u have to a change of scenery is amazing

good luck sorry i cant helpo or write more

[wholapola]

I'd probably keep the lines of communication open- both professionally and family, friends. A girl friend can help too (not trying to be a smart ass). Maybe staying in touch with a good friend or two will help when things get rough.

We all get the blues now and then, nobody is immune from that. But if yours goes a little deeper, try to reason things out with yourself. Even if you have to "get pissed off" at yourself a little to help you get back on track, try it.

You're a smart guy who knows right from wrong---but wanting to cause harm to others isn't the answer, and your bright enough to know this. For me, I have an older sister that is my path to sanity when I'm bothered, frustrated or confused. I love her for that, maybe you have someone like that to turn to.

My ex-girlfriend's brother was bipolar. He would take his meds and be fine, but that also was the problem (for him), once he felt better, he'd stop his meds, start acting inappropriate again, and end up back at Jones hill ( local mental health hospital) until he'd start taking his meds and was better again. Thls scenario continued for a long time, then he found a girlfriend, who CARED for him, helped him and for the most part- got him right.

For me, when things get bezerko, I go for a hike or a walk by the lake and try to relax and reason things out- it helps me-and like I mentioned above, I turn to others I trust and seek out their advice...close enough to you that they really try to help, not to those who say things and act like a band-aid to your problem. Those you care for and trust.

I hope and wish you good luck Tom, RK:)

[Tom Swierzbinski]

Cheers for the help everyone. I think Im gonna book an appointment with my GP and be put on some other meds, because although the valproate and lofepramine help, they actually just 'dull me down'. Its great, I dont feel like cutting when Im on them but Ive noticed that my mood is brought down a notch when Im taking them.
I need to get away from England for a while. I think Im gonna save up some cash and either go Thailand and stay with my cousin, or go visit my aunt in Cali. Tough choice really... Thailand has elephants, ladyboys and hookers, Cali has medical marijuana clubs.

[Tom Swierzbinski]

An update:

Just smoked HALF a spliff of Lowryder. Was harvested a little early, plus she was sativa dominant anyway so it was mainly a head high. I feel great. Ive got this inane grin on my face, and I feel more motivated. Shame its 3.12am lol.
Now, people may think that prescribing cannabis as a medicine is wrong because for depression youd have to smoke quite a bit - but look at it compared to tablets. I was taking 4 sodium valproate in the morning, and 4 more in the evening along with two lofepramine. Anyway, you wont have to prescribe medical marijuana throughout a patients life (well, regarding depression anyway). With me, my problem has been motivation, and that has ultimately been the cause of my depression. Having the depression for a long time makes me fed up and suicidal. If I become more motivated, then I will be able to go out and look for a job tomorrow. I will be able to meet up with friends and get out of bed. I will be start going out in the evenings again. And I will begin to look at what courses to do at college in September and ask about them.
And once Ive done that, I will start to have a more positive outlook on life, because Ill feel that I have something to live for - something to aim towards. A goal in life.

Theres a hidden message to this aswell. If MMJ (sativa strains) are made legal in the UK, then people with depression dont need to be on it for a long time - just enough to build up motivation and energy. Every single depressed person Ive seen has had no motivation. If we can cure the motivation, we can cure the depression.

[likemclever]

Hey Tom so you say you started at 15. How old are you now?

It sounds to me like you want to kill yourself because your boardâ?¦.yeah I know thatâ??s absurd but thatâ??s what it sounds like. Thatâ??s why everyoneâ??s telling you to find a hobby.

Dude I know depression sucks. Definitely get yourself in the good habit of good food and exercise. Force yourself to do it for two weeks and then you should be feeling better. Besides I hear your in the market for a hobby. Make you your new hobby. Oh yeah, fire your shrink because apparently she/he sucks and get a new one.

Lay off the booze :D