Do I pray? Do I go to the doctors? Do I tell my shrink all of this?

[Tom Swierzbinski]

Since I was 15 Ive been seeing a shrink. Done a few overdoses, most just to get rid of the pain but with one I really hoped it would kill me. Took a shitload of tablets (didnt bother counting them, Im not that pathetic) one night, went to sleep and woke up in the morning tripping balls because of all the chemicals that were in my body. It got worse a couple of years ago (when I was 16) at Easter. I talked to my mum about religion for two hours, cooked a curry, ate it then went up to my room. Wrote a suicide note, loaded my air rifle, put it under my chin and pulled the trigger. Only reason Im still here is because it ricoched off a tooth. Dammit, me canting the rifle to one side again. I was always doing that.
I havent been able to hold a job for more than a month. I havent been bothered to look for a job. Claiming benefits, and still I cant be arsed to look for a job. No motivation whatsoever. I dont care if I can buy a new PC with the money from a job, I dont care if I can buy pounds and pounds of bud. I just dont care anymore.
Cant be bothered to see my girlfriend anymore. Cant be bothered to get up and cook some food. Cant be bothered to water my plants. I just have no motivation to do anything at all. If the house was burning down around me, Id probably just sit here and pray and ask God to forgive my many sins. Ive been like this for years, but now its got worse. I was on 1600mg of sodium valproate each day for about a year and a half (mood stabiliser) and 140mg per day of lofepramine (anti depressant) for just under a year. Decided to stop them around Christmas 2005 because I felt I didnt need them anymore. Up until March this year I was fine, then I went and cut myself again. Felt ashamed about it, so I did it again. God that was addictive. Had to really stop myself from doing it, because I just love the feel of the knife running over my skin and feeling the warm blood run down my wrist and arm. Bliss.
Lately Ive been feeling more and more depressed. Spending all day in bed and not getting up until its nighttime, which I prefer because theres less people around. I dont really talk much unless Im stoned either, Ive never really been very sociable. Id rather sit in and read a book than go to a party or down town with my mates (the few I have left). When I was with Emily I used to feel that warm feeling in my soul, now I dont feel anything. Its like Im an empty shell. The only thing that brings me enjoyment is shooting, but Im scared of going shooting incase I decide to top myself.
Sometimes I feel so 'amped' that I cant sleep for 48 hours. Its like being on ecstacy (never done it, just something to compare it to), and thats what I was like when I stopped my meds. Now Ive gone downhill again and I want to cut myself. I dont want to die (not today anyway) I just love cutting myself because it makes me feel so alive and vulnerable. I dont want to go on ANY meds again, and I know that Ill probably be on and off them for life. If that happens, Ill kill myself. If I carry on like this for another month, Ill kill myself.
I used to go out for a run, feeling like shit. Id take a knife with me, hoping that someone would give me an excuse to use it. I walk down the street, fantasising about stabbing people just because they give me a weird look. I am actively seeking a firearm to carry round with me, for two reasons. One is for self defense, the other is so I can shoot myself if I feel like doing so.
I want to go out and kill every last cunt thats made my life hell. If I could, I would - not with a gun, Id strangle them with my bare hands and watch the life drain out of their eyes. Feel their body go limp and twitch.

Do I tell my parents/shrink this? Yeah I know they can help, but I can see two things happening.
1. Going back on meds. I wont be able to live like that.
2. Going back to the nuthouse. I wont be able to live like that either.

What the fuck do I do? Flame me, help me, do whatever. I just dont care anymore.

Tom Swierzbinski Reviewed by Tom Swierzbinski on 06-01-2006. Do I pray? Do I go to the doctors? Do I tell my shrink all of this? Since I was 15 Ive been seeing a shrink. Done a few overdoses, most just to get rid of the pain but with one I really hoped it would kill me. Took a shitload of tablets (didnt bother counting them, Im not that pathetic) one night, went to sleep and woke up in the morning tripping balls because of all the chemicals that were in my body. It got worse a couple of years ago (when I was 16) at Easter. I talked to my mum about religion for two hours, cooked a curry, ate it then went up to my room. Rating: 5

[beachguy in thongs]

Have your parents take you to social services. They'll figure out how to help you.

Just stay away from everything, but Herb, including your friends if they're gonna fuck-up your life.

Actually, you're 18?

Hold on, I'll be back.

edit: be careful.

* In addition, cannabis use at age 18 might be a consequence of emerging psychosis (that is, psychosis precedes cannabis use, not vice versa)

http://www.health.vic.gov.au/drugser...s/cannabis.htm

[enthused]

Smoke weed. If you are ever in houston texas area ill smoke you out bud. Just dont stab me please.

get a hobby that you like doing 24/7
i dont know what really to tell you

hope you get better man

[Tom Swierzbinski]

Beachguy - Herb and alcohol has become an escape route for me now. I know that, I admit it, I just cant be fucked to do anything about it. It works for me, and thats all I need. Ill read that link after Ive written this post. Also, I dont have many friends. I have one that I see often (Ben), and half a dozen others that Ill talk to if I see walking down the street.
Enthused - I just dont find anything interesting anymore. Even when Ive smoked a spliff, I feel on top of the world for a few hours, go sleep then wake up feeling like shit again.
Billionfold - Im the one who wins.

[beachguy in thongs]

C'mon, Swizzy, you're immortal. How could you kill yourself?

[Tom Swierzbinski]

How could I kill myself? Well, I wouldnt want to do something boring like slitting my wrists or shooting myself. Id want to go out with a bang, at least give something for people to remember me by seeing as theres fuck all now. Actually, its weird. I feel a little better now. Not because Ive talked to people, not because 'youve giving me attention' (Im sure some asshole is gonna come up with that sooner or later). I dont know why. My moods swing from 0 to 100 in minutes. Docs have said that Im bipolar and that just makes me shit myself knowing that Im gonna have to cope being like this for years.
I think Ill go act out my nuttyness in my book.

[Tom Swierzbinski]

Who loses?

Maybe me. Maybe my family. Maybe my girlfriend. As far as I can see, I win each way. I mean, if I cant hold a job for more than a month and I cant stay at college for more than a few months then whats the point in anything? I wanna get into journalism, but I tried to do that last year at Tresham College and I dropped out after a few months because my sleep cycle is so erratic. I really wanna do well in life, its just that I cant be fucked.

[beachguy in thongs]

Keep posting, billionfold. I'm sure your signature is boosting his confidence.

You're words will live on forever, Swizzy. As long as billionfold does. Actually, when billionfold dies, his account will still be here. And so will you, Swizzy!

[likemclever]

Yes, you need to tell your therapist. I admire the fact you posted this. Hang in there and get help. I hope this isnâ??t some sort of sick joke (believe it or not Iâ??ve seen that sort of thing happen here.) But that aside you need to get help suicide and death is not romantic.

You have a responsibility to get help before you hurt someone.

So, I know this is a stupid question but happened to you to make you feel this way. Did something crazy happen to you growing up or is this just a biological chemical thing in your head. Iâ??m not being bitchy Iâ??m just wondering?

[t3chyo]

I would say only herb(no alcohol), meditation maybe? If you think nothing will work than yes, I think you should pray, pray, and pray. I think this world has something to offer for you, find it and than you will realize. Patients, patients, and more patients. Suicide is a perminent solution for a temporary problem, remember that when your thoughts turn against you. Learn how to enjoy yourself, you know you can.:rasta: :thumbsup: :rasta: