Johnny Hempseed
01-18-2006, 02:08 AM
Hello..I'm gonna talk about death in this post..if death bothers you in any way I think you should stop reading now...
At the age of 38 I come to this realization..everyone I know will die..and I will too...the only questions are when..and how....
The past 2 years have been an exciting and painful time for me..
Starting with the death of my half brother..
I knew him well enough till I was about 17 or 18 YO..but then he and I had a disagreement over a girl..and we parted ways with words..
He died at the age of 45..from a sudden, massive heart attack..
And as he lay on the floor..maybe thinking about the 3 kids he had (none of them knew who I was) someone took $300.00 from his pocket...
My half sisters were at the house at the time..and I have no doubt which one actually did it..but when I heard the story it was being blamed on one of the paramedics..such is the story of that half of my family..
I looked at him and saw he had lost a leg at some point (I was told it was diabetes)..grown a strange little mustache..and gotten fatter...
What I didn't know was that would be the beginning of a stretch of deaths..culminating in the most painful..most devestating death I will probably witness (hopefully)..
I didn't know my brother very well..so I felt like it was an interesting experience..but nothing like I might experience if a parent passed away instead..
The closest I came to really painful loss had been a few years earlier when my 9 year old neice was diagnosed with leukemia..
So this was a walk in the park...
As it was a few months later when my grandfather died..he had a long life..and was only sad after losing his wife a few years previous as she sat in her favourite chair watching day time T.V.I didn't know him either..but he was a good guy..he left me a bit of money and jewelery..AND the chair his wife died in....
It will forever live in my mind..because my car got about 60 miles away from his house (and those platters of triangle shaped sandwiches)and my car decided to join my grandpa in the afterlife...and I had to hitch a ride with my father and left the car at a garage that swindled me..even though he knew I had just buried grand-dad...
Summer came..and grandma left..she was a good old bird and I always loved her..
This would be as close as I had ever came to death..she started to slip downhill a few days previous and we got the call to come and make our goodbyes...
I called her name to her..she opened her eyes and saw me..knew me..I gave her some water with a q-tip and she died the following day with my mother and her best friend sitting at the foot of her bed...
I got the call and made the drive there..about an hour..and as my wife and I entered her room a couple of things stood out..never to be expunged from my ever softening brain..
One thing that struck me was the fact that she was DEAD!
I mean dead with a capital D!
Not like in a movie..not like in a funeral home..
Devoid of all life except perhaps for the bacteria inside of her..laying with her eyes closed and her mouth hanging open..
A small pool of spittle on her chest..and a stringer of spit leading from her chin and purple lips..
And the second thing..was my mom and her friend sitting drinking coffee and eating donuts...
The reaper wasn't getting his typical respect and reverencehere..no sir..not from MY family...
It was the strangest thing I have ever seen..and it made me think of how death "is" depending on where it strikes..how..and who...
There was no rush to do anything with my dead grandma..we sat there talking about her..crying a little..laughing alot..and I realized that this place (The HOME) was used to seeing death in all it's forms..and there was no hurry to do anything until the donuts were gone...
When she was buried the funeral director told me about her fantastic concrete vault..how it would very likely be hermetically sealed simply due to it's weight and design..we were all very satisfied with the gold coloured spraypaint it had been given so it didn't really look like what it was..a big, concrete box....
More sandwiches...
We had a pretty quiet winter and following spring..my niece had been in remission for 10 years..and my uncle (an old hippy who gave me my pot loving streak at the age of 13) has been sick with Hep-C..but he has been sick for a long time and he is strong..so no worries..
Then on the weekend of June 4th we arrived home after a great summer day checking out yardsales with my uncle..to find 8 or 9 messages on our answering machine...
We stood and listened to my wife's x husband's wife go from "Hi..give us a call when you get in" to "You better get down here..Josh is in the hospital in London and he's in bad shape!"..
Josh is my wife's 17 year old son..a truely sweet kid..popular in school..shy but adored by the girls..genuinely good and full of respect for his elders...
My stepson..to him I was "cool" cause I have never grown up..I kick his ass at Halo 2 and take him out for junk food and step on the heals of his shoes to piss him off as we walk through the mall..laughing and pushing each other..
Now we had to drive 2 1/2 hours all the while freaking out about what we didn't know...
By the time we got to the hospital we had almost convinced ourselves that it was probably just a stupid "thing" that kids do...
We couldn't have been more wrong..
He was doing what he always did..the right thing..when his number came up..
He was using a cam corder to film a movie for a school project..in the back of a van..with the doors propped open so he could get a cool shot...
And being 17 and not understanding "what happens next" when a van pulls forward..he tumbled from the back of the van..landed on the base of his skull..and managed to pull his spinal cord bundle out of his brain stem..
They didn't even know what really happened until it was too late...and although he lingered for a few more days he was dead when he hit the ground..
His organs managed to save the lives of at least 2 people..maybe 3..he saved someone's eyesight..and he cured a diabetic..
Through the process of losing him we sat and watched his body change..going cold..getting bloated..with machines monitoring all his functions..
And it struck me again that death here was also a constant..all the people in the ward were kids..and all had massive head trauma..
In this place death had a firm grip on everything..kept everyone hopping..playing a winning hand of poker with the doctors and nurses..
There was no time here to sit and let it all sink in..this was bloody and scary and painful on levels that I didn't know existed...
Here was a kid I loved..and his mom..and the rest of his family..and I could do nothing but let it happen..
And unlike my grandmother..there was no sense that this was a natural or peaceful process...
Time has passed..we miss him every minute of the day..waking and otherwise..but we are able to function..
And on my plate is a new hell..my neice was re-diagnosed with cancer..she is 19..and I am running on fumes emotionally and don't know how I am going to be strong again...
She was given a second transplant (marrow) but her body rejected it...
My uncle..big, dumb, gentle and sweet pot loving uncle will probably also be gone come June..he is visiting us tommorow night to share in the harvest..he loves my pot and it makes me happy to see it give him comfort...
And so it continues..
At the age of 38 I come to this realization..everyone I know will die..and I will too...the only questions are when..and how....
The past 2 years have been an exciting and painful time for me..
Starting with the death of my half brother..
I knew him well enough till I was about 17 or 18 YO..but then he and I had a disagreement over a girl..and we parted ways with words..
He died at the age of 45..from a sudden, massive heart attack..
And as he lay on the floor..maybe thinking about the 3 kids he had (none of them knew who I was) someone took $300.00 from his pocket...
My half sisters were at the house at the time..and I have no doubt which one actually did it..but when I heard the story it was being blamed on one of the paramedics..such is the story of that half of my family..
I looked at him and saw he had lost a leg at some point (I was told it was diabetes)..grown a strange little mustache..and gotten fatter...
What I didn't know was that would be the beginning of a stretch of deaths..culminating in the most painful..most devestating death I will probably witness (hopefully)..
I didn't know my brother very well..so I felt like it was an interesting experience..but nothing like I might experience if a parent passed away instead..
The closest I came to really painful loss had been a few years earlier when my 9 year old neice was diagnosed with leukemia..
So this was a walk in the park...
As it was a few months later when my grandfather died..he had a long life..and was only sad after losing his wife a few years previous as she sat in her favourite chair watching day time T.V.I didn't know him either..but he was a good guy..he left me a bit of money and jewelery..AND the chair his wife died in....
It will forever live in my mind..because my car got about 60 miles away from his house (and those platters of triangle shaped sandwiches)and my car decided to join my grandpa in the afterlife...and I had to hitch a ride with my father and left the car at a garage that swindled me..even though he knew I had just buried grand-dad...
Summer came..and grandma left..she was a good old bird and I always loved her..
This would be as close as I had ever came to death..she started to slip downhill a few days previous and we got the call to come and make our goodbyes...
I called her name to her..she opened her eyes and saw me..knew me..I gave her some water with a q-tip and she died the following day with my mother and her best friend sitting at the foot of her bed...
I got the call and made the drive there..about an hour..and as my wife and I entered her room a couple of things stood out..never to be expunged from my ever softening brain..
One thing that struck me was the fact that she was DEAD!
I mean dead with a capital D!
Not like in a movie..not like in a funeral home..
Devoid of all life except perhaps for the bacteria inside of her..laying with her eyes closed and her mouth hanging open..
A small pool of spittle on her chest..and a stringer of spit leading from her chin and purple lips..
And the second thing..was my mom and her friend sitting drinking coffee and eating donuts...
The reaper wasn't getting his typical respect and reverencehere..no sir..not from MY family...
It was the strangest thing I have ever seen..and it made me think of how death "is" depending on where it strikes..how..and who...
There was no rush to do anything with my dead grandma..we sat there talking about her..crying a little..laughing alot..and I realized that this place (The HOME) was used to seeing death in all it's forms..and there was no hurry to do anything until the donuts were gone...
When she was buried the funeral director told me about her fantastic concrete vault..how it would very likely be hermetically sealed simply due to it's weight and design..we were all very satisfied with the gold coloured spraypaint it had been given so it didn't really look like what it was..a big, concrete box....
More sandwiches...
We had a pretty quiet winter and following spring..my niece had been in remission for 10 years..and my uncle (an old hippy who gave me my pot loving streak at the age of 13) has been sick with Hep-C..but he has been sick for a long time and he is strong..so no worries..
Then on the weekend of June 4th we arrived home after a great summer day checking out yardsales with my uncle..to find 8 or 9 messages on our answering machine...
We stood and listened to my wife's x husband's wife go from "Hi..give us a call when you get in" to "You better get down here..Josh is in the hospital in London and he's in bad shape!"..
Josh is my wife's 17 year old son..a truely sweet kid..popular in school..shy but adored by the girls..genuinely good and full of respect for his elders...
My stepson..to him I was "cool" cause I have never grown up..I kick his ass at Halo 2 and take him out for junk food and step on the heals of his shoes to piss him off as we walk through the mall..laughing and pushing each other..
Now we had to drive 2 1/2 hours all the while freaking out about what we didn't know...
By the time we got to the hospital we had almost convinced ourselves that it was probably just a stupid "thing" that kids do...
We couldn't have been more wrong..
He was doing what he always did..the right thing..when his number came up..
He was using a cam corder to film a movie for a school project..in the back of a van..with the doors propped open so he could get a cool shot...
And being 17 and not understanding "what happens next" when a van pulls forward..he tumbled from the back of the van..landed on the base of his skull..and managed to pull his spinal cord bundle out of his brain stem..
They didn't even know what really happened until it was too late...and although he lingered for a few more days he was dead when he hit the ground..
His organs managed to save the lives of at least 2 people..maybe 3..he saved someone's eyesight..and he cured a diabetic..
Through the process of losing him we sat and watched his body change..going cold..getting bloated..with machines monitoring all his functions..
And it struck me again that death here was also a constant..all the people in the ward were kids..and all had massive head trauma..
In this place death had a firm grip on everything..kept everyone hopping..playing a winning hand of poker with the doctors and nurses..
There was no time here to sit and let it all sink in..this was bloody and scary and painful on levels that I didn't know existed...
Here was a kid I loved..and his mom..and the rest of his family..and I could do nothing but let it happen..
And unlike my grandmother..there was no sense that this was a natural or peaceful process...
Time has passed..we miss him every minute of the day..waking and otherwise..but we are able to function..
And on my plate is a new hell..my neice was re-diagnosed with cancer..she is 19..and I am running on fumes emotionally and don't know how I am going to be strong again...
She was given a second transplant (marrow) but her body rejected it...
My uncle..big, dumb, gentle and sweet pot loving uncle will probably also be gone come June..he is visiting us tommorow night to share in the harvest..he loves my pot and it makes me happy to see it give him comfort...
And so it continues..