chuck norris

[nakedgunner]

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Ever.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

Chuck Norris smokes TNT.

[flamingskullballs]

ok :stoned:

[dopesmoker]

i am chuck norris

[darkside]

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. :D

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuckâ??s tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab. :stoned:

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris masturbates with a sledgehammer.

[Stoner Shadow Wolf]

chuck norris fears only the ghost of bruce lee.


i am bruce lee's demons.

[Jeff Spicoli]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris' blood type is KO.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris won 3 Grammy Awards for the sound of his foot making contact with someone's face.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.'
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

[shrek45]

Thanks for this useless shit

[chillsmoke]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
fuckin chuck norris..

[Jeff Spicoli]

if you don't find that funny, your pretty boring or something...

[Ganjasaurusrex]

I did. Hilarious.

[Stoner Shadow Wolf]

chuck norris fears only the ghost of bruce lee.


i am bruce lee's demons.er, what i MEANT to say was...


chuck norris fears only bruce lee, whome could die only at the hands of his demons...

i am his demons...



meh i sucked the fun out of that.


when chuck norris steps on ice, it slips out from under him.

[Cooler Then Jesus]

all those chuck norris jokes are stoled from vin diesel jokes, heres my loadout.


Vin Diesel's steak knife/mp3 player holds more songs than an iPod and is more deadly.

If Vin Diesel was a woman, his vagina would contain the teeth and jaw pressure of a full grown crocodile.

Vin Diesel's urine is thought so highly of in Germany that it is used as mouthwash.

Vin Diesel dyslexia from suffers.

Vin Diesel is actually Vinny of the Mafia, who ratted out the Don to the Yakuza, so Vin shaved his head and went into hiding.

Vin Diesel prints out two copies of everything so he can throw one of them away.

His blood is comprised of 2 parts thick beef gravy and 1 part antifreeze.

Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster once saw Vin Diesel punch a building in the face, and then powerbomb it onto the sidewalk. This inspired them to create Superman.

When asked "Are you a metrosexual?" Vin Diesel replied, "No, I like Buicks."

If you kick Vin in the nuts, it will hurt you more than him.

Sunlight reflecting off Vin Diesel's head has been known to temporarily blind commercial airline pilots.

The moon actually revolves around Vin Diesel, and tides are controlled by his bowel movements. Indigestion often leads to mass destruction.

Vin Diesel can survive four-and-a-half months without water, but only 12 hours without Taco Bell.

Vin Diesel invented the Tootsie Pop. Consequently, the number of licks to get to the center is equal to his social security number. If this exact number of licks is achieved, you will be granted eternal life. This is why Bob Barker is still alive and on television.

Vin Diesel is really the reincarnated King Nebuchadnezzar. He made the Hanging Gardens when he decided to use Rogaine on his genitals.

Vin Diesel has the ability to combine two parts Hydrogen and one part Oxygen to create water. However, he can only do it while reading The Bible backwards.

Vin Diesel used Stonehenge to support the top of his coffee table.

Vin Diesel once cut a hole in a watermelon and put it in the mircowave for a mintue or two. He removed it and checked the temp, it was just right. He then fucked the watermelon, this isn't so much as a random fact as it is, as Vin calls it, "A damn good idea".

Beans gained their reputation as a "musical fruit" only after Vin Diesel ate a can and shat out Sir Elton John.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

If you play Contra on NES and put in the infinite lives code, Vin Diesel will jump out of the TV, punch you in the face, call you a pussy for cheating, and steal every bag of potato chips you have.

Buddha, Jesus, and Vin Diesel had a long talk. Now Buddha and Jesus are learning to kick some ass.

This one time, at band camp, Vin Diesel beat several high school students to death with a flute he found.

Vin Diesel gave Ray Charles his first pair of sunglasses.

God refuses to give Vin Diesel a soul until Vin Diesel gives back God's underwear.

Vin Diesel can find 1,000 words that rhyme with "orange".

Vin Diesel was originally known as Vin Petroleum, but changed his name following a sponsorship deal with Texaco.

Every Friday at midnight he tapes cheese graters to his forearms and pretends that he's Master Shreder. He then proceeds to play "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" in his front yard until dawn.

Vin Diesel Is in fact Luke Skywalker's Father.

On Wednesdays, Vin Diesel wears a fake shark fin and patrols the waters of southern California, looking to bite off the arms of young surfer girls.

When Alexander Graham Bell made the first phone call, it was to Vin Diesel. His answering machine picked it up.

Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Vin Diesel once met Fabio on the street. Vin burst into laughter, Fabio burst into tears, and every passing car burst into flames.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

[oncea420alwaysa420]

Someone had to have smoked themselves retarded thinking of all that shit. I love it.

[Stoner Shadow Wolf]

Stoner shadow Wolf makes Vin Diesel wet himself in fear :D

[Musician]

McCaulay Culkin owns you all. McCaulay Culkin is god, McCaulay Culkin rules this earth, this universe, every dimension.