the funniest thing said while under the influence?

[yoda]

whats the funniest thing you've said or heard while on the influence of something?

last night, i was in the backseat while trying to sober up from a bad end to my PCP experience, and i was sitting next to 2 girls that were rolling hard. then this girl said, "i wanna put like, cold spoons over my eyes". i dunno where that came from, but it made me laugh so hard.

not to mention earlier that night, i said i felt like the green giant.

[vermillion]

well i wasnt saying anything, but i got extremely baked, and me and my friend went to his kitchen. then while i just got into the kitchen, he tossed a cucumber at me. so i tossed it back, and we just kept tossing it back and forth, laughing our asses off. man...good times

[420purplehaze420]

one time this girl was like look at nick HES SO HIGH! so i said "im not as think as you stoned i am", then like a week later i saw a shirt that said that on it and i had to buy it

[rico8908]

one time me and a friend of mine just got done smoking 3 bowls of some bomb. When we decided we were gonna order some pizza. We called the place up from a cell phone and from the time we started talkin to the guy till we got our pizza we were laughing our asses off. The pizza man knew exactly what we were on and he just laughed at us......good times

[WalkaWalka]

lol me and bro were settin in the bar waiting for food and we started beaten on each with straws all the old people luaghed at us

[soldier1944]

i always say the dumbest shit when im high. all my friends laugh at me, we will be somewhere like outside and i will just think of the weirdest thing and say it. like this one time we were really stoned walking through the neighborhood,and we walked by this old guy watering his flowers. my friend was like want some WEED? but we kept walking. i was like "what if he was like, "yeah" then brought us into his basement and made a gun shape with his hand and said "youre under arrest" my friends called me an idiot

[NightProwler]

this one time me and my friends were baked and my friend called to me from the kitchen askin if i wanted ramen noodles, and i was petting my cat at the time, and i was like "im playing with my hot furry black pussy"

[Dutchmaster]

one time me and my friends were just sittin around blazed to shit when one of them goes " you guys ever see napolen dynmite" then out of no where he goes "your mom goes to college" in the ABSOULTE perfect kip voice i almost soffocated from laughin it was amazing

[LimpBizkitRMV04]

ive said alot of really fucked up thing while i was high ... one of them i can think of off of the top of my head is this .... Shutup or ill lock you in a closet and bang on the door untill you cry.... many other things too i cant think of them right now though

[Aces High]

the funniest thing a mate sed to me while high was "shit, my lips are sticking to me"

Omg, I pissed myself soo hard at that, im sure he was refering to dry mouth, we were all playing mario cart at the time. Omg so funny.

[zarathustra]

I've been known to strike an odd pose for no reason. I find it hilarious, because there's always only one or two people that actually notice, and I just act like they're talkin' crazy like.

As for a stoned quote, my favorite is "if you think about it, child molestation is kinda funny. Not the sex part, but the forty year old man who looks at a seven year old girl and thinks 'she's got it goin' on!'"

[phoenix]

Haha, I always say shit like "my lips are sticking to me" and all that. :)

One of the good ones though was when me and two friends were wandering around the neighborhood real baked. There's this really religious girl we know, and one friend goes "Hey! I have a sweet idea! Let's go rape the jesus out of (the girl)"

It was soooo hilarious, if mean. :D

[GSW389]

after we blazed, my friend was washing hands and about 5 seconds after he finished, i told him ot turn the water off, thinkg that he was still washing his hands. that was funny ass shit.

[Killa.Kali]

I think the funniest thing I've heard anyone say while blazed was from a friend of mine, we were sitting at the park and aparently she thought that the squirrel on the wall was trying to steal her food. she said "little fucking prick, get out of here gat or ill go get my squirrel and fuckin blast you!"

[RB90]

everything is funny

[henrypj]

Killa.Kali where did you get your avatar????

[ADaisyChain]

lol one time when i was really stoned

[lizka4200]

for my sweet 16 10 of us took shrooms and took a limo to a hand on museum...it was all little kids i gotta admit there was othing not funny that h\whole day....i dont thnk i stopped laughing for a second but we were all pushing all the little kids out of the way like hey thats not how u do it let me show you...we were running arounmd this museum and when we came in it was being renovated so it was free we all starte clapping when we found out like yea omg i cant belive this were sooooo lucky..

[Killa.Kali]

Killa.Kali where did you get your avatar????

Iunno :confused: I got it on MSN but I dunno from who =\

[Warlock]

The other night me & a mate had a cork from our ale bottles & we kept punching it at each other, & everytime it kept knocking off the empty beer bottles off the table inbetween us, we were causing carnage & we couldnt stop laughing & doing it.
His girlfriend finally got pissed off with the mess we had caused & took it off us.

Same friend was once walking through town & he was so wasted he threw up into the wind & it went all over him, he was staggering everywhere, a cop pulled him up, they got out of the car & walked towards him, they looked at him & saw a 6'4'' tall biker guy covered in puke with bright red eyes, & then they laughed at him, & kept laughing until they got back into their car & drove off.

[zackalack]

one time i was so high and i was with my brother and the funniest guy in the world and we had just gotten back from the movie theatre and i was eating some milk and cookies and this goofy guy comes in and was like oh my god those look so good and i was like u can have some and he was looking for a glass to put milk in and he was like wide mouth- great for dipping. it took me like 2 minutes to realize what he said and i started cracking up for some reason it was so funny

[sir smokes alot]

its not that funny but one time i went to schools high and some anoying girl heard rumors or somthin that i was a stoner so she came up and asked if i was a stoner and i asked her if she was the sober chick.... not that funny

[Aces High]

omg my mate sed the funniest thing a while ago on the subject of marmite:

"Marmite is a very British thing imo, its a bit like vindaloo"

God i laughed so hard, i couldn't be arsed to correct him, lol

[theNecromancer2113]

i always say the dumbest shit when im high. all my friends laugh at me, we will be somewhere like outside and i will just think of the weirdest thing and say it. like this one time we were really stoned walking through the neighborhood,and we walked by this old guy watering his flowers. my friend was like want some WEED? but we kept walking. i was like "what if he was like, "yeah" then brought us into his basement and made a gun shape with his hand and said "youre under arrest" my friends called me an idiot

hahahah dude i know exactly what you mean. you think of shit in your head and you think it sounds bad ass but when it comes out everyone has the wtf? expression on their faces.

but one of the funniest things i've said when i was ripped was when my buddy and this chick and i went to dairy queen to order blizzards. i was in the drive-thru and the person was like "can i take your order?"

me: "yea just a second"
*people in car tell me what they want"
me: "ok, i'll have a medium large"
*ROFL*

we couldnt stop laughing and the person taking my order was dead silent when we got to the window she just smiled and gave us our blizzards, i almost shat my pants it was swell.

[Hempamasta]

Not really the funniest thing.. but just sort of deep, I guess..

When a buddy of mine were tripping on shrooms at his house, we walked around his back yard and were looking at these trees.. the sunlight was filtering through them and was making this sort of pattern. We both likened it to a magic eye puzzle (you know, those things where if you look at them long enough, they turn into a picture). So we went inside and smoked some bud, and we put on this crazy Tool CD. I said that it sounded like a "magic ear puzzle" because you could listen to it for a while, and new parts of the song would show themselves. I dunno, just seemed cool.

[Up In Smoke 420]

haha one time me and my friend put brownie mix in a muffin tray with the wrappers and called them bruffins.... they fukin' ruled.

[hammerhead]

i spent 10 minutes telling my friend about how i had prepared my toasted sandwhich with different amounts of ham and cheese in different sections

[ztriple3]

one of the first couple times my friend smoked, he was laughing hysterically about every half a minute, about nothing at all. he explained this as the "30 second cycle" in which, he would be laughing about something for 30 seconds, and then he would forget what he was laughing about, and so he would laugh again because he didnt know what he was laughing about. this would continue cyclically every 30 seconds, and it lasted for several minutes. good stuff, i thought that was hilarious, at the time.

[UpInSmoke]

oh shit... so many burnouts...its funny just because of the fact that I can read any one of these stories and relate...

I remember one time pulling up to some fast food drive thru with an ass load of people in my car, I pull up and they ya know ask for my order I tell em gimme a sec. I find out what every person in tha car wants... and tell tha guy Im ready.. The convo went as follows..
Guy in little box: go ahead...
Me:....uh...uh...fuck it we're goin inside ain't no fucking way I can remember what everyone wants, Im lucky if I know wtf I want!!

[orph3n]

Alright so, it was the first time my parents weren't home while I was high. I could be as loud as I wanted. I was with my smoking Partner/Cousin. I went to go into the Garage of my house and I just started screaming that were asians in my garage, we started freakin out but the thing that was so hilarious about it, in all the confusion, I managed to bust out... "I wonder if theyre making me some sesame chicken" One of the best high's I've had.

Another time I was on the beach with my friends: Bermuda, Pops and Jam. We were so hungry and we didn't want to leave the beach so I started talking about food and I shouted "Let's go eat the portals!" and everybody was like "holy shit, that sounds so good" and we all started cracking up. Good times.

[Caruso329]

Me and two friends went to taco bell at about 2 am one night stoned off our asses. We each ordered like $15-$20 worth of food. But what was so hilarious was when I gave my friend in the backseat his and he pulled it out and was like "BURRITO! Dude! It's like Christmas because I forgot what I ordered!"

[chris40]

Friend: Kyle looks high already
Me: I problably am.

I'm Kyle by the way. I have no idea why that was so funny. But I love nugget.

[Drugman Joe]

I never remember things i say, its all funny in general i guess. One of my friends once said 'viagra tastes like cherries,' but he may have been asleep. I'm not sure.

[LimpBizkitRMV04]

One of my friends when he was baked we came into my house and walked down my hallway and into my room and he goes WOW that was fast ..... and i said what was fast and he goes ..... the room came up quick this time its usually farther down the hall. lol i was laughing forever

[Frequency]

One time I was at a bowling alley with like three girls and this one dude. We were all sitting in our lane, at the table thing, when some old-bald guy with glasses came up to me and said, "You like roasted beef? Cus we have some in the backroom". I busted out laughing so hard, we were all blitzed, and I almost fell to his feet laughing. Then he just looked at my friends and walked away.

[Bonez87x]

Talking about how it would be cool to put an inflatable matress on the roof of my car. We paused for a second while talking..
"I wanna get down.."
"Why?"
"Because it's raining."

[jfoster]

well one time, we were pretty baked. my friends dog would try to eat my bag of weed whenever i shook it at him. then he ran outside(bad) and we had to get him back inside. now keep in mind that this seemed like a good idea at the time. i ran outside with my bag yelling "dooby(dog's name) get the weed!!!!!!!!!!!" and shking the bag all atound. my friends had to come outside,put their hands over my mouth, and drag me inside.

[playboy]

One time i was really high driving to a party with two other friends in my car. One of my friends told us that it was the first time he saw such a rain yesterday. And I was like, what was special about it did it rain from the ground to the sky? And we were then cracking up the whole night in the party quoting it :D

[Funkamander]

Back in the day, me and my friends got real baked together and I had this huge adventure in my head, like Zelda or something. So I'm fighting bosses and solving complex dungeon puzzles while we all just sat around.
So throughout the night, I was talking to them all, updating them on all the things I was "doing". Apparently it was fucking hilarious because they were laughing their asses off. Looking back, I can see why.

(Friend looking at me as I stare off into space, with face twitching)
Friend: Uh, what's on your mind?
Me: Uh, aww, uh, mmmmm....
Friend: What?
Me: Now what the fuck? This one doesn't even make sense! It's like a door, but there's this huge red spiral keeping me from opening it! I DON'T FUCKING GET IT!!!

[johnny cottonmouth]

one time my buddy and i were ripped and walking aroud my neighboor hood. now we have a horse ranch about a .5 mile away from our houses so you can hear the horses. well one hourse went and my buddy freaked saying that that was the way the cops put on their sirens when their going after people smoking pot. so i knew he was freaking out so i jumped behind a house like i saw a cop. well he was in the middle of the street screamming that he was inoccent and not to shoot and that he didnt have the dope. it was so funny i couldnt get up i was laughing so hard

[Pyramidsonmars]

Scrap-daddly-doo

[Ganj]

from the words of the prophet, jon.
"man, i want a pba and j." that shit is funny.

[FLAVAFLAV]

One time was smoking and we were driving home from zee parkington and we all shouted at the same time that we wanted popeyes (bombest shit ever (biscuits)) and the chick who was driving ordered everything in an english accent, and we were all cracking up when we pulled up to the window, funniest shit evar bitches

[lagstronaut]

hahahah dude i know exactly what you mean. you think of shit in your head and you think it sounds bad ass but when it comes out everyone has the wtf? expression on their faces.

but one of the funniest things i've said when i was ripped was when my buddy and this chick and i went to dairy queen to order blizzards. i was in the drive-thru and the person was like "can i take your order?"

me: "yea just a second"
*people in car tell me what they want"
me: "ok, i'll have a medium large"
*ROFL*

we couldnt stop laughing and the person taking my order was dead silent when we got to the window she just smiled and gave us our blizzards, i almost shat my pants it was swell.


oh my god i just pissed my ass reading that

[UpInSmoke]

I was hanging out with a buncha ppl, and I was explaining how this girl I know responds to questions with a lie, or overexagerating about 80% of the time. Well I'm sitting next to a friends 3 yr. old son, and I used the phrase.."She's pulling shit out her ass.." And everyone in the room knew what the phrase I used meant. And 5 minutes later, when it's a quiet moment, the lil' boy goes, "Bill?....You pull stuff out your butt?" Everybody started laughing til our sides split.

[UserName AlphaNiner]

(over the phone...tripping 6 hits of LSD)
"I'm lost"
'Where are you?'
"In the wal-mart parking lot"
'Wtf'
"Went to get balloons for fucking whip-its and a fucking...fucking...I got left, i'm lost in the wal-mart parking lot."
'laughing'
"got a beep! it's them!! "

click

"where are you guys, i'm lost in the wal-mart parking lot.?"
'right behind you...we have been for 10 minutes yelling at you, why did you start running?'
"I thought you were that fucking dancing Santa display from the store entrance, damnit. i thought it followed me into the wal-mart parking lot to prove it's exsistance to me, because i called it a hallucination and was too scared to touch it to see if it was there."
'wtf, get in the car'

Sorry, long story....ooo, remembering the past. Always fun. I need some LSD. :( I moved and I know no one. :-\

[NYCZILLESTROLLER]

So me and my boy were sittin in his house after gettin baked at a field near his house and we're just sittin there and im like "O shit is that the cops" and he said "Dude, thats my cat" and im like "ur cat's a cop?" and he said "no" and i said " what do u mean No, HE'S A CAT!!!" idk why it's funny it just was and i always tell that story when im high.

[CannabisGeorge]

One time I got my friend baked, and this other kid was sober. We got the munchies and decided to walk to the store to buy some food. I had all quarters.

Me: Ok man, I'm really hungry what should we buy?
Stoned FRiend: Hungry? grab a snickers
i burst out laughing and we all chuckle for bit (this is inside the store)
Sober friend: alright guys, hurry up the cash register lady is getting suspicious
at this point my friend drunkingly looks over and her and says "can is lady, were hungry" lmfao
Me: Ok i picked out two for a dollar snickers, and i want this gum here
S Frind: Ok how much money you got (i pull out he quarters) aw man this is too much too count but lets try anyway. 1...2...3...whats after 3? oh yeah 4...ok thats a dollar...i think how many quarters in a dollar? (im laughing my ass off at that point) ok so this gum is 75 cents so that means you need...1234....a dollar 75. so thats 4 quarters plus 3....7 quarters! yes i did it!
Sober frind: dude lets buy it and get out you guys are fucing loud.

man that was so funny, i bet the people are still laughin watching that video haha

[Satan666]

"This one day i was taking a huge rip and the purple turned smoke as i blew it out.

[Strikerrr]

umm fucking forgot what I was gonna say. Never mind remembered. I called linksys the other day for help setting up a friends router. The guy was like can I get your name. and apparentky I have a heavy accent and I was like Mike Milone. And he was like what? and I told him again and again. He finally got it and was like Mike as in mike tyson and Milone as in carl malone. I was like yea and my friends over heard it. We died laughing for at least ten minutes.

[kaela]

I don't really like to talk when i'm stoned cause i just feel like i'm saying the dumbest shit when I do. I just like listening to people try to talk.

[UpInSmoke]

I turned to my friend Tiff to tell her a story and it starts out like this...
"Tiff, I was at my neices birthday party and ... oh wait it wasn't a birthday party, there were just a lot of ppl there and we were eating."

Oh and I asked Tiff if I could borrow her kitten to freak my Mom out and make her think I brought home a stray. So I pick the kitten up and said," Dayum!!! This cat smells like shit."
Tiff: "Yea, I know. I haven't gotten a chance to give tha cat a bath."
Me: "Do you have a Ziploc?"
Tiff: "WHAT?!"

[STDzRus]

Went down the corner store where a guy that always hooked us up worked at and he was there. We were drunk and stoned as fuck and usually we just come in. load up on munchies and drinks and leave. I walked straight up to him and said "You know there's strange shit going on and I figured that I was gonna damn man fuck" And he just started laughing..then I went and bought a bunch of shit and it came out to 30.05 and I gave him a bunch of money and said keep the tip the service was great .. He gave me my money back and said Take it Easy want me to walk you home.

"I'm okay walking back to did i forget something?"

[SensiRide]

I once recited the direct debit mandate from my old job after too many pills :eek:

[ShamanicHippy]

Ok so my friend was telling me this made up story about how he had sex with this lady in a dollar store and then she was insane and tried to kill him so shoved chips down her throat to keep her busy but she turned into a kangaroo and did magic and stuff. and when he was done my other friend was like
"wow wait a minute i have to clear something up right here.......what kind of chips were they"
and i nearly crashed my car i was laughing so hard

[ShamanicHippy]

oh yeah i forgot. and another time i was riding (sober) with my friend (stoned) and he turned around to me and almsot yelled "i have legs......AND THEY JIGGLE" i almost cried

[lateralus]

"where are you guys, i'm lost in the wal-mart parking lot.?"
'right behind you...we have been for 10 minutes yelling at you, why did you start running?'lmao
'wtf, get in the car'LMAO

Hm, stoned as hell, I struggled with a soda machine with a friend of mine for like five minutes laughing my fucking ass off because the machine decided to rip me off. I keep punching buttons and shit and this bald guy gives me the weirdest ass backwards look like :eek:. After a few minutes my friend is like.. "you only put in 81 cents.."

Then another time I was having a little late night barbecue with two of my friends.
Me: You.. stoner!
Friend: Your... FRIEND! (as opposed to your mom)
Guess you'd have to have been there. We laughed for a day and a half. Weed<3 :cool:

[KoRnStaR]

i once suggested, to smoke a bowl in steak n shake's bathroom...and actually thinking it was a good idea.

i say all kinds of funny shit when i'm high, and lots of dumb shit.

[Goodman3eb]

" The world is a banana sport water bottle!!"

One time some friends and I were blazed and cruised through the McDonalds drive thru, red-eyed and happy. After we got the food, I looked the fast food guy straight in the eye and said, "Thanks for the food, man. I'm a big fan of your work." And we drove off.

One other night, we had a half of regs, a pack of swishers, and nowhere to be. We rolled up all the weed into blunts, and just started passing them. About 7 or 8 g's into the stash, I fell asleep. Apparently, they finished off the half when a friend came over with another 1/4, rolled it, adn started passing. All I remember of that is somebody shaking me and saying, "here, hit this!" to me. I open my eyes, sit up, hit the blunt, and fall right back asleep again.

The best part is, I watched Half Baked a year later and they did that with The Guy on the Couch. I was blazed when I saw it, and I laughed for a good 5 minutes straight.

[UpInSmoke]

" The world is a banana sport water bottle!!"

One time some friends and I were blazed and cruised through the McDonalds drive thru, red-eyed and happy. After we got the food, I looked the fast food guy straight in the eye and said, "Thanks for the food, man. I'm a big fan of your work." And we drove off.

One other night, we had a half of regs, a pack of swishers, and nowhere to be. We rolled up all the weed into blunts, and just started passing them. About 7 or 8 g's into the stash, I fell asleep. Apparently, they finished off the half when a friend came over with another 1/4, rolled it, adn started passing. All I remember of that is somebody shaking me and saying, "here, hit this!" to me. I open my eyes, sit up, hit the blunt, and fall right back asleep again.

The best part is, I watched Half Baked a year later and they did that with The Guy on the Couch. I was blazed when I saw it, and I laughed for a good 5 minutes straight.

had something similar happen to me and some friends. It was during the wee hours of the morning and we had rolled a blunt, shane had already passed out on the couch from drinking and non-stop smoking since it was a special occasion. Well I see his girl Ashley hit the blunt and go to pass it to him but then realized he was asleep. She did try to wake him but failed. So instead she just held the blunt to his lips and it was as if it was a reflex, never moved or opened his eyes, he just toked on it a good 3 or 4 times and ashley passed it and a couple of seconds later you see him exhale.. we all cracked up.

[hunnybunnybabyO]

when i got high, drank and then took coke for the 2nd time I had a totally bad come down and i found myself laying in a bath tub texting my bf "Don't ever let have me drugs or let me be alone please."
I mean that was funny but i don't want to be in that situation again lol.

I described smoking out of the Volcano vaporizer as:
"its like drinking shampoo- but really good shampoo"

I'll be the one that screams out "Im so high".... "My eyes feel like they are popping out"
But I'll say random shit when sober too:-P i dont give a shit lol.

"He's a geekoid!" "Smus, swus..."

Major spin cycle dude....

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are mondo excellent man;-)

[hunnybunnybabyO]

Actually....you know when you are really stoned when you can't even make out words like I'll have a brilliant idea but it never comes out right....
what comes out is just a whole bunch of giggling and random noises lol It was just me and my bf and we got a damn noise complaint the other night:-X

[UpInSmoke]

OH fuck...as soon as I could breathe after the comment I made last night, I knew I had to post this.
I was riding around in a car getting blazed with some old school friends and I went to tell Kris how I almost decapitated my friends kitten cuz she had tha thing tied to a table leg and I didnt realize it. Well I only got halfway thru tha story cuz Im so blazed by the time I get to the point when I need to say the word table leg it came out...."she had tha cat tied to the lable teg...no wait..lable leg?? no damnit..." Kris:"table leg?" Me: "Yea!!!! that's it!!" Tis a bit sad when it took me 3 tries just to remember how to pronouce it...if Kris hadn't of butted in to help me out, I would have prolly made up some other funny versions...how rude of Kris right??? lol

[DemonXG1]

i once said after i took a Wip it.... " I feel like styrafoam" it even made me laugh so hard...... man good times.....

[UpInSmoke]

i once said after i took a Wip it.... " I feel like styrafoam" it even made me laugh so hard...... man good times.....

I was at Kris's last night and he took a whip it and a lil bit later he goes..."man...i can feel it in my teeth, knowhaimsayin?" Crazy Kris...crazy..

[hunnybunnybabyO]

my bf uhh spanked me and I was like

"Shut up!!!!"

[hunnybunnybabyO]

haha i was with a whole bunch of ppl once who were mostly drinking and a few of us were high and for some reason i started getting really philosophical about beer- i was like "Beer is around just for the profit," and how it tastes bad but back in the old days they couldn't make it taste good so its okay- and they just kept up selling and advertising beer to make it as popular as it is today. lol yeah what the hell....

[Ratmbmx10]

Me and my friend josh had just got done smoking a few bowls and were walking around town. It had been awhile since anyone had said anything, and then out of nowhere my friend was like "dude it's like I'm just a floating face..." At first I didn't get it but then I realized that if you don't look at your hands or anything else of your body while your walking it will be like you are just a floating face.

[MullManiac]

I described smoking out of the Volcano vaporizer as:
"its like drinking shampoo- but really good shampoo"


HAHAHA! i loveed that!

[hunnybunnybabyO]

everything is funny



...word.

[Ratmbmx10]

Alright just to set it up, me and my cousin(Ian) went to one of his friend's house to get stoned. Now the guy lives in a house that is sorrounded by corn. The corn is no longer green so it can only be used as feed corn to feed animals and shit.

Me: Dude I'm so fucking thirsty, I think I'm gonna go out there and eat some of that corn.
Ian: Dude your an idiot you can't eat that corn, it's feed corn it's not meant for people to eat. They use it to feed animals and shit, it's really dry and startchy so you can't eat it. (He goes on for like 5 more minutes telling me why exactly I can't eat feed corn)
Me: Dude you have been talking about fucking corn for like ten minutes. What are you a fuckin farmer?

It was just funny because he was rambling about corn for so long. Heres another one that happened earlier. My cousin is carrying in a suit case since we were moving him into that house.

Damien: Dude Ian what's in your suitcase?
Me: He's got a dead dog in there.

It was funny because it was so fucking random.

[tylerkane]

Ratmbmx10
Registered
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
thats so funny man

[dustoned]

one time, my friend bryan and i were smoking at our old dead end road spot, and he went to go light the pipe in the dark, and he laughed at some stupid bullshit we were ranting about, and the cherry flew out, glowing toward the ground. i was like 'hahaha, oh shit!... napalm death!'

we almost died.

[powair]

One time me and my friend Megan got really fuckin high, and this was back when we were relatively new to it. We were just so baked and we were walking through this field. I was talking a million miles an hour and then megan interrupts me and shes like, do I have something on my lips? and I looked at her and her lips were all brown with resin! It was funny because she must have been thinking about it the whole walk and not listening to what I was saying. I fell to the ground and rolled around laughing for a good 20-30 minutes.

[dustoned]

yeah. the first time i got stoned, i didn't stop laughing until about 3-5 minutes later. because i happened to tap the back of my head against my ex-girlfriends foot when i was lying on the floor. and i turned around real quick and noticed what it was.

oh man... the days when one pipe hit got you in the clouds.

[SomeGuy]

I was telling my friend to go at a stop sign and he says " Im waiting for it to turn green" very seriously...until i convinced i didnt think stop signs changed color...

[DiLoS]

Ok, yeah I was in class with a friend of mine one time and we were both pretty baked and he says to me "Hey dude, it's 3:15." and I was like "Oh shit!" and start to pack up all my shit with quite a bit of haste when I realize class doesn't get over until 3:30 lol. Good times, good times....

[DiLoS]

Oh yeah, than there was another time where I asked for a Six-inch Footlong at Subway. The chick looked at me like I was fucked up, which I was of course. So I was standing there like I asked the right thing until my friend said a six-inch footlong doesn't exist you idiot lol.

[ADaisyChain]

I was telling my friend to go at a stop sign and he says " Im waiting for it to turn green" very seriously...until i convinced i didnt think stop signs changed color...

This has very little to do with the thread, because technically nothing was said, but the number of times I've done this would take me upwards of 3 hands to count I would imagine. If I needed hands to help me count that is.

Luckily, I've always caught on that stop signs don't change color before mentioning that it wasn't changing out loud.

[powair]

LOl ok, another one.

Back to the days i used to get fucking blitzed with my best girlfriends, breanne, megan, and vanessa. Every time we got high, breanne would trip. Shut the fuck up you motherfuckers! Shut the fuck up! My brother can hear us! Shut the fuck up! and one time she turns to megan and says, you look like a man in those glasses. Megan gave her a pissed off look, then proceeds to take the glasses off, throw them against the wall, and says fuck those glasses!

I thought i was going to explode from laughing. I was like, this is it, my brain is exploding.

[PaulCT7]

This was not while under the infulence, but it was right before and is really funny, so I will say it anyway. We were getting ready to hotbox my friends big ole caddy, when we start talking about aderall. He then goes on to say, that since he has add/adhd and shit, it will calm him down. Then out of no where he screams, "Fuck, I wanna learn something"

It was SO funny at the time, I dunno if anyone else will see it like that though.

[DaBudhaStank]

funniest thing ever wasnt said, but observed.

me and my bros smoked 2 bowls of bomb ganj, and we were sittin and chillin,and he just grabs a pillow and hides behind, just peaking out from over the top at me. i laughed harder and longer than ever before, i swear to god i almost died from lack of oxygen lol

[Chaffinch88]

My mate was like "Hey, wanna hear a joke? Ok, so when you're making a compost heap, you move one bit of earth to another bit of earth, and then cover it up in a plastic bin thing. So really what you're doing is sticking a piece of plastic in the ground."

We were pissing ourselves. When I repeated it to some non-fucked people, they were just like.. huh?

[squareguy]

I turned to my friend Tiff to tell her a story and it starts out like this...
"Tiff, I was at my neices birthday party and ... oh wait it wasn't a birthday party, there were just a lot of ppl there and we were eating."

Oh and I asked Tiff if I could borrow her kitten to freak my Mom out and make her think I brought home a stray. So I pick the kitten up and said," Dayum!!! This cat smells like shit."
Tiff: "Yea, I know. I haven't gotten a chance to give tha cat a bath."
Me: "Do you have a Ziploc?"
Tiff: "WHAT?!"
that is the funniest shit i have heard in a while.

[squareguy]

just finished smoking in my friends car, and we stopped at her house. when she got out of the car, she shut the door on her fingers. she wasnt hurt, but her hand was stuck in the door. the really funny thing is that her doors were locked, and her keys were in the car! it was soooo funny. the cops came to help her out, and we got pictures and everything.

[koshea]

me andmy best friends play football and we all dont like it too much but all deep down love it its weird, anyways, my friend kyle said

"yeah, its funny we always sit around bitching about football and how much we hate it and how were gonna quit but none of us ever do because were all pussys"

its funny cuz its true, were all lazy potheads and dont wanna bother with the coaches bullshit theyd give us if we quit

[dopefiend]

:rasta: i once was really high and out of nowhere jumped up and said" im muhammad ali, floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee." that was awesome! :rasta:

[jfoster]

ok so me and my friend were really high but we were pissed off and arguing about somthing. we stop arguing and are just quiet for like 5 minutes. then:

me:ummmmmmm ryan?
ryan:ya?
me:what were we arguing about?
ryan:i have no idea

we both almost pissed ourselves. and at kfc i was ordering

lady:regular or crispy?
me:to go please

[heyheymymy]

at the drive thru at taco bell my friend orders a nacho bell grande, she hands it to him and he yells: This aint no fuckin nacho bell grande!! right in her face....

[im high as we speak]

Not really the funniest thing.. but just sort of deep, I guess..

When a buddy of mine were tripping on shrooms at his house, we walked around his back yard and were looking at these trees.. the sunlight was filtering through them and was making this sort of pattern. We both likened it to a magic eye puzzle (you know, those things where if you look at them long enough, they turn into a picture). So we went inside and smoked some bud, and we put on this crazy Tool CD. I said that it sounded like a "magic ear puzzle" because you could listen to it for a while, and new parts of the song would show themselves. I dunno, just seemed cool.


yeah man that does sound deep.

a story of mine:
me and some friends were smokin and we decided to head over to krispy kreams for some bomb ass donouts. well anyway, i knew what i wanted, just the plain glazed, but when i was tryin to get their order they said different flavors so i tried to remember, but when i started repeating i started fuckin up and jus started cracking up. then my friends started crackin up so i started rolling up the window panicking tryin not to seem too high but it was too late. i ended up saying forget that, i just want 12 glazed and 4 milks. in the end everyone was cool with the glazed. hahaha

man, a lot of these stories i can relate to

[UpInSmoke]

I know this doesnt go under the subject of the funniest things Ive said while under the influence...but it is a funny thing i read so close enough..

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and frightened Miss Muffet away.
Then muffet went back
and checked her gun rack
grabbinga .357
finding the spider
she sat down beside her
and blew that poor sucker to heaven.

This was todays Pearls before Swine comic..

[Goodman3eb]

Got two new ones from a friend of mine who was blazed yesterday. Three people just smoked 5 gram of seriously quality chronic:

"Dude, I was just fighting a stick, and I won! But it's a plant-- keep that in mind."

Him: Dude, are you throwing rocks?
Me: Yeah, why?
Him: Man, you shouldn't throw rocks in a glass house, but we're not in a glass house. But we could be. But we're probably not, because we're outside."

Those were the only two I wrote down; there were many more where those two came from.

[Reefer Rogue]

one of the first couple times my friend smoked, he was laughing hysterically about every half a minute, about nothing at all. he explained this as the "30 second cycle" in which, he would be laughing about something for 30 seconds, and then he would forget what he was laughing about, and so he would laugh again because he didnt know what he was laughing about. this would continue cyclically every 30 seconds, and it lasted for several minutes. good stuff, i thought that was hilarious, at the time.

I get this all the time and i love it. Funny thing, um, well one time we were all blazing on the balcony so we ordered domino's (duh) and then the pizza guy comes and we're still blazing. Then as he leaves he says don't mess up the rotation! We couldn't stop laughing. Then another time we were all high and then i just suddenly said Who the fuck is Akboo? And everytime when were high we say it and we laugh everytime.

[KeanBean]

i spent 10 minutes telling my friend about how i had prepared my toasted sandwhich with different amounts of ham and cheese in different sections


thats funny shit, i could def see myself doin that, just keep goin on about it.

[KeanBean]

"This one day i was taking a huge rip and the purple turned smoke as i blew it out.


hilarious

[OzzyOz]

a year ago, i was real stoned and came home

i asked my father... "when's the next time we're gonna smoke?"

haha
i was so emberrassed, and scared lol :(

[partyguy420]

well one time, we were pretty baked. my friends dog would try to eat my bag of weed whenever i shook it at him. then he ran outside(bad) and we had to get him back inside. now keep in mind that this seemed like a good idea at the time. i ran outside with my bag yelling "dooby(dog's name) get the weed!!!!!!!!!!!" and shking the bag all atound. my friends had to come outside,put their hands over my mouth, and drag me inside.

dude thats funnie, but when u said dooby i got sad cuz i had to listen to my dog named dooby get shot....

but funniest thing was, scrape my lungs if i od on this weed.

[Buffalo]

Me, my friend, and his neighbor were hanging out in front of his apartment. We were having some conversation about Star Wars, and I busted out the Chewbacca noise out of nowhere. I fell out of my chair laughing.

[PuddingSpoon]

one time i was at mcdonalds and my friend told me that it was happy people day and if i said happy people day and if i said happy people day to the cashier i would get a free burger, so i stood in line with no money and said happy people day real loud and she just looked at me lke wtf?

another time i was at a friends house when he started sucking on the blunt saying "mmmmmm....chocolate.."

[bytheway]

one time a like a week ago me and some friends were cruising, and we all have the munchies so we decided to go to mcdonalds but john my firend who was driving didnt want to get the food himself for some reason, so he went thru the dirve thru backwards like a retard so i could get it from shotgun. the people there were like wtf. it was wierd.

[P.E.N.G.U.I.N.]

One time my friend Alex got really really fucked up on some really good chrons, and he got stuck to a wall. I walked past him in the hallway and I thought he was hugging the wall, so I asked him "What the fuck are you doing"? And he replied "Penguin! What the fuck are you doing standing on the wall???!!!" I started laughing for a second, then I said "Dude, you're on the fucking wall." And he said back "You must be fucked up Penguin, you're fucking standing on the wall thinking it's the floor!". Then me and my friend Fernando started trying to pull him off, but every time we let go he'd like run over to the same wall. We just gave up because at that point we were laughing our fucking balls off.

[DEATHSHEAD288]

HEY YOU YOU GOT MAIL! DING! :rasta:

[Esoteric416]

The funniest shit I've ever heard was from my little Bro when we were on a space cruise.
Me my bud Andy and my little Bro Jeff went on this hellaciously long cruise, we smoked like five or six joints between the three of us and after like the first one Jeff was just layed out in the back seat of my car not saying a word, yet he kept taking the joint every time I passed it to him. :stoned:
It was like two hours or so before we got back into town and were heading home, Andy and I were talking about some random shit when Jeff pipes up "Are you guys talkin' Russian?" Then he starts spuoting all these Russian sounding nonsense words.
We almost left the road cause I was laughing so hard. Later my bud Andy coined the phrase "Straight outta the back seat!" we still use it today when people say really fucked up stuff.

Thanks for the memories little Bro. :thumbsup:

[UpInSmoke]

Oh yeah, than there was another time where I asked for a Six-inch Footlong at Subway. The chick looked at me like I was fucked up, which I was of course. So I was standing there like I asked the right thing until my friend said a six-inch footlong doesn't exist you idiot lol.

HAHAHA... you know what's sad?? I didn't even catch that you said 6 inch footlong the first time i read it. None of it caught my attention that something you said was wrong. LMAO

[FireRazor]

Well, I had just gotten through about half an oz. or so with my friends, when we started up a huge as blunt. A fight broke out while we were smoking it and in th emiddle of it I went to take a hit, but I took the hit from the lit side. It fucking hurt; so I ran up to the guys who were fighting and just booted them in the face.

"Fucking bastard destracted me while I took a fucking hit."

Nay, it isn't that funny; but it was amusing.

Another time a few of us were getting stoned while talking a walk in the woods. One of them flips right out, had a bad trip I guess. Anyway they're running like made, so I book after them tackle them to the ground and take the straight pipe and bag of weed from them and walk away.

"What the fuck was that all about?" One asked as they chopped a bud up in a shot glass.
"They tried to take off with the weed"

Also not very funny but none the less an amusing story. (I'm so aggresive).

One time me and my friends just got home from bein right riped so we went into the basement (my room) to talk about shit. So one of them is talking and is like:

"So fuck man...Oh shit I forget what I was going to say..."

I have a buncha shit on my computer so what do I play? The jeopardy thinking song; it was perfectly timed and everything.

My parents own a store and weren't home that week. THe store was locked up and me and my friend just got ripped. We jumped up and ran everywhere looking for the keys and he was like:

"Fuck, when is cowboy beboop on?" I looked at him and lauged my ass off and replied "A half an hour ago!" "FUCK" It was so stupid, it was funny to me.

The first time I got high, I was right mellow when this chick takes a giant bag of chips eats the whole thing runs out side bare feet (snow was about two feet) and booked it down the raod. She came back after awhile, but man it was crazy.

[fikusroot]

ok so i was at the movies and am totally baked. movie over, go outside and i forgot where i parked my car. my friend blake and andrew where there
Me: dude, where's my car
blake:where's ur car dude
andrew: ha ha ha, it's like from that movie
blake: wtf r u talking about
(brief pause while andrew tries to remember what he was talking about)
andrew:dude wheres my car!
me:i dunno but im gonna be pissed if we dont find mine soon

it got silent and then we all just started cracking up.

[GoshDangIt88]

one time my cousin said "I want some pure h2o.. none of that mexican shit."

[deathbyvalley]

i've said a lot of funny shit when stoned, but recently, i took a philosophy test after i smoked a bowl and came up with interesting answers.
Q. Can a man desire something he is unaware that he lacks?
A. No. Imagine a man is born into a colony of one-armed people. Now, these people have no idea about how much simpler their lives would be if they had two arms. since they don't know the benefits and don't know anyone with two arms, they are more likely to desire it.

...yeah, i was really baked

[lateralus]

I don't know about you, but I've often wondered how much easier life would be if I had a third arm. No shit.

:)

[lateralus]

Yes, a man can desire something he is unaware he lacks. Suppose he wants a soda, goes to the fridge, and boom! No soda left.

[truestoner4life]

LMAO brings me back brings me back this one time me and a buddy went into this skate shop blazed off r ass and the dude comes up and is like "whats up" my buddies like "good" it was the best thing i ever saw in my life was litterly on the ground crying and laughing at the same time

[santa]

the funniest thing a mate sed to me while high was "shit, my lips are sticking to me"

Omg, I pissed myself soo hard at that, im sure he was refering to dry mouth, we were all playing mario cart at the time. Omg so funny. LOL! :D Weirdest things i do are always songs, i always seem to get up and dance while singing a song, the last one was "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai but i sung Dreadlock Holiday by 10CC once, lol, crazy shit

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I use, too, many, commas,,,

[santa]

Oh yeah, i also went to have a piss in a sack of potatoes once

[UpInSmoke]

Yes, a man can desire something he is unaware he lacks. Suppose he wants a soda, goes to the fridge, and boom! No soda left.
lateralus you crack me thafuckup...such a smartass, you think youre so slick. It was a good one tho, I gotta give you that... :dance: ...and tha avatar definatley makes your smartass remarks quite a bit more humorous, I hate bush, he's such a dumbfuck. BUCK FUSH!!! har har har...Does he actually expect us to believe him when he says he's looking for weapons in an oil rich country, just looking for weapons. But he can't get help for ppl suffering for the effects of huricane Katrina in time? He jumps on the opportunity to invade, but lags like the first Apple computer when it comes to helping ppl in his own country.

[euphori chitter]

Once I got high before my friends arrived in the alley they all smoke cigs in after school, so I was zoning out and they didn't even know until there were only two left. So I saw all the doiley things for the first time, and made many theories about what they were.

"The air...is a giant monster. The doilies are its blood veins!"
"they're flying down from the sky and circling my head to attack me."



"james, are you high?"-her
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"-me