new joke thread

[NowhereMan]

loved this one luaghing still

and think i seen it once



Two Women on a Girls Night Out Two women go out on a girls night out, walking home they are both dying for a piss so they jump over a wall into a cemetry to relieve themselves. 'Course, theres no toilet paper, so one wipes on her knickers and throws them away. The other one tears a ribbon from a bouquet and uses that.
Next day the two husbands are talking. The first says "I'm really worried about my wife, she came home with no knickers last night..
The other said "You're worried? Mine came home with a card stuck up her arse!" "It said `from all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you'.
http://www.amazingjokes.com/

[NowhereMan]

Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, I
can't unnerstand how you can be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as
kids...I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm.
Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them BMWer's and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the livin shit out of 'em, and then eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big allig ator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

[neilmcca]

Thor and Odin go out for a kebab in manchester :)

http://www.rathergood.com/val_halal/

[neilmcca]

http://chat.pimpdaddy.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=46;t=000010

[Dr Scumfella]

funny

[smokey]

loved this one luaghing still

and think i seen it once



Two Women on a Girls Night Out Two women go out on a girls night out, walking home they are both dying for a piss so they jump over a wall into a cemetry to relieve themselves. 'Course, theres no toilet paper, so one wipes on her knickers and throws them away. The other one tears a ribbon from a bouquet and uses that.
Next day the two husbands are talking. The first says "I'm really worried about my wife, she came home with no knickers last night..
The other said "You're worried? Mine came home with a card stuck up her arse!" "It said `from all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you'.
http://www.amazingjokes.com/
lmao thts good tht

[NowhereMan]

Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

[neilmcca]

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
....but she didn't wear that one very often

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*** him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

[HvyFuel]

Little Boy come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow and the cow's in the corn,
Where is the boy who looks after the sheep?,
He's under the haystack with Little Bo Peep.

Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on her tuffet,
Knickers all tattered and torn,
Twasn't a spider that sat down beside,
Twas Little Boy Blue with the horn.

Boy Blue stood on the burning deck,
Playing a game of cricket,
The ball roll up his trouser leg,
And stumped his middle wicket.

Name that tune? :)

[duppy man]

Judge Dread....was the artist was it Big six

[HigHAnneXities]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man
with his pants down.

(and you were thinking it would end differently)
__________________

[HvyFuel]

Big gold star for duppy man.

[duppy man]

Bloody hell....memorys more intact than 1st thought...

[duppy man]

long joke goood though ...two nuns in the bath one says wheres the soap the other one replies it does does'nt it

[duppy man]

two nuns cycle down a cobbled street 1st nun said to the 2nd nun have you ever come this way before 2nd nun......... No

[dog420]

man walks into a sex shop...im looking for blow up dolls...shop keeper says well we got 3 types...cheap ones,expencive ones and muslim ones....wots the differance says the shopper? well cheap ones are crap the expencive ones are good and the muslim ones blow them selfs up :P

peace

[smokette]

Two Brothers

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer & a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not.