The Joke Thread

[kevy cola]

Inspired by the longest thread ever I've decided to create a thread deticated purely to jokes. add your own! here's some of mine:

So a bear's walking through a forest and sees a rabbit. The bear says to the rabbit "hey buddy, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" the rabbit replies "no". The bear then picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with it.

A peice of string walks into a bar and the bartender says "no string allowed". So the peice of string walks outside and asks a passerby to tie him into a knot and fray his ends. The peice of string walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that peice of string I just kicked out?" the peice of string replies " I am a frayed knot"

A married couple are in the top bunk above their son and the father wishes to have sex. The mother says she doesn't want to fuck above her son cause it could warp him. So the father says they'll just use code words. Lettuce would mean faster and tomato would mean harder. So they start fucking. "ohhh lettuce, uhhh more tomato,lettuce, tomato, lettuce,TOMATO!"
Suddenly their son interupts and says "Listen, I know you guys are making sandwhiches up there but can you keep the mayonaise to yourself"

[smokette]

:) lol

[dog420]

lol :)

[Atomic Dragon]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."


"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked.
To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

[smokette]

What did the stoners wife say to him before he left for the show?




Doobie careful




:p

[malvcalv]

Police picked up two kids yesterday, one was eating fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid....










They charged one, and let the other off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

[malvcalv]

Have you ever seen a cunt covered in plasic??????????????













Take a look at your passport!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[malvcalv]

I went to a strawberry picking contest yesterday, and a girl with no legs won it!


Jammy cunt!!!

[Dreampeacemaker.]

Gramps finally agreed to his son's wishes to give the rest home a trial.On his first morning a nurse brought his breakfast and noticed he had a 'morning glory'."I'll take care of that," she said ,grabbing the erection firmly and proceeded to give the old fellow a gratifying hand job.
Later,during his morning shower,Gramps happened to drop the soap and while picking it up 'wham!' he got shafted by one of his fellow residents.
"Well," said the son "win some and lose some.It wasn't too bad was it?"
"As maybe" said Gramps,"the trouble is I don't get a boner all that often these days but i'm always dropping the soap."

[dizzy spells]

these 2 guys (we call them paddy & murphy) won the lottery.
paddy says to murphy,iv allways wanted to own my own sea fishing boat & go deep sea fishing.
murphy replys,oh be jesus me too.
so they go buy a boat & all the deep sea gear & head out to sea.
paddy puts the deep sea gear on & jumps in the sea.
murphys on deck pumping air to paddy.
after a while murphy get on the radio to paddy & says,you been down there a long time paddy.are you allright.
paddy screams back.
no ,im not allright.
iv just had 1 of my legs bit off by a shark
YOUV HAD 1 OF YOUR LEGS BIT OFF BY A SHARK,WHICH 1 IS IT,says murphy
i dont fucking know,there loads of the bastards down here.




heres 1 easy lesson on how to speak irish

say these words out loud & fast.get ya mom to listen

WHALE OIL. BEEF HOOKED
say it faster & repeat your self

[stonerchron]

theres 3 poeple in an elevator. a blonde, a brunette, and a man. the man has dandruff and the brunette notices. the brunette then tells the blonde "that man needs head and shoulders" the blonde replies "i can give head but how do you give shoulders?"

[LeMuR]

Bar Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

:D :D :D :D :D

[NowhereMan]

Yo mama''''''''s so dumb, her favorite color is clear!



You're so anal retentive, you could stick a piece of coal up there and have a diamond in a week!

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''


Big Fat Mopeds

What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun as long as your friends don't see you on 'em!

peace

[bostonaod]

a guy is leading a little boy into the woods, late at night. the little boy, afraid of the dark tells the guys he's scared!

the guy replies "YOU'RE scared? I've got to walk back out of here by myself!"

[ermitonto]

A girl says to her boyfriend "People have been telling me you're a pedophile." so he says "Isn't that a big word for an 8-year-old?"

[kevy cola]

What's the differance between your father and a picnic table?
A picnic table can support a family of four!

What do your mom and an apple have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree!

What did the blonde says when she opend a box of frosted cheerios?
Ooo, little donuts!

[Atomic Dragon]

Yo Mama is so fat
Everytime she goes outside wearing her X-Files shirt
a helicopter lands on her
:D

[Atomic Dragon]

I sure hope it offends George W. voters. :D
http://home.earthlink.net/~atomicdragon/GW%20Hitler.jpg

[ermitonto]

Speaking of Hitler...

http://www.freewebs.com/palve2/Hitler_Fucked_Your_Gran.mp3

[smokette]

Q. How long does it take before a pound of bud goes bad?
A. I don't know! I never have it longer than an hour!!


Q. What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A. Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.


The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but you don't mind being wasted


Q. What do you get when you hire a stoner?
A. HIGH quality work!

[smokette]

Ring-g-g-g-g-

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, . . . is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Unc'a Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle
Frank, honey."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now!"

"Uh, okay, then . . . here's what I want you to do. Put the phone
down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the
house."

"Okay, Daddy."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went
flying out the front window and now she's all dead!"

"Oh my God ! ! ! - And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool . . . but
he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to
clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's
all real dead too!"

. . . . long pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool????? Is this 555-7039???"

[nevertoomuch]

:) There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench enjoying the day when all of a sudden a flasher comes running up and opens his raincoat! The fist little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't REACH ! hahahahahaha :)

[smokette]

LOL GOOD ONE :p

[NowhereMan]

LOL GOOD ONE :p

finally found this one
i think is the funniest "Clean joke'

One day this old lady walks into the doctors office and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all."
So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week. So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!"The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!!

[hunny]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message
>>to her
>>mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she
>>exclaimed:
>>"I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to
>>my
>>mother".
>>The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
>>Anything?" he asked.
>>Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
>>Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the
>>next
>>room
>>The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
>>Come in and close the door" the man said.
>>She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
>>She did.
>>Now take down my zipper".
>>She did.
>>"Now go ahead . take it out...." he said.
>>She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
>>The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".
>>The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding
>>it
>>close
>>to her lips, tentatively said...........
>>
>>
>>Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

:cool: :p

[hunny]

:p

Lost at Sea
>>
>>Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat
>>following a
>>dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through
>>the
>>boat's
>>provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
>>that a
>>genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement
>>of
>>Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
>>that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
>>Without
>>giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
>>entire
>>ocean into Guinness Beer!"
>>The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
>>the
>>entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
>>Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
>>Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness
>>as the
>>two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly
>>at
>>Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
>>moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to
>>pee in
>>the boat!
>>

:cool:

[hichikee]

A mother and her daughter were walking together in the zoo. They were walking past the monkeys when 2 of them started going at it like crazy!
The daughter asked "Mommy what are those monkeys doing??"
And the mother just simply said "they're making cake".
The next day they were walking in a park and there was a young couple going at it behind a bush.
Once again the daughter asked her mother "Mommy what are they doing??" And the mother just said "they're making cake".
The next morning the mother came out of her bedroom to find her daughter licking the couch!
And the mother asked "what are you doing licking the couch?!"
The daughter simply replied "there was icing on the couch from you and daddy making cake"

[brix]

a little joke

a tall women met a midget at a party.the midget was barely three feet tall,butthey were attracted to each other and after a few drinks they went back to her apartment."i cant imagine what it will be like makin love to a midget,"said the women,"especially with the size difference and all." "just take off your clothes,lie back on the bed,spread your legs apart and close your eyes,"said the midget.the woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times."if you think that was good,"said the midget with a smirk,"just wait till i get BOTH legs in there!" :D

[hunny]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
> > > Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
> > > Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the
> > > night of April 1st?
> > > Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
> > > on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch
> > > and sat down beside me.
> > >
> > > Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
> > > Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
> > > Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
> > > Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
> > > Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
> > > Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
> > > Defense Attorney: Why not?
> > > Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died
> > > some 30 years ago.
> > > Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> > > Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
> > > Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
> > > Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
> > > Defense Attorney: Why not?
> > > Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
> > > felt that good in years!
> > > Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> > > Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just
> > > laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
> > >
> > > Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
> > > Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I
> > > shot him, the little bastard.

:o :)

[smokey]

:D :D :D hehehe pretty good tht

[hunny]

heres a joke i got from a m8 today...i like it lol :D :p


A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

No, I don't."

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes
later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

[neilmcca]

anyone want to swear on holiday and be understood ? here u go = www.insults.net/html/swear/index.html

[neilmcca]

Sorry, these are very, very bad !?



Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam"

**********

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted.

**********

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

**********

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry - we don't serve food in here."

**********

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

**********

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and

says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

**********

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

**********

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

**********

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.

" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

**********

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly:

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

**********

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

**********

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

**********

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.

**********

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

**********

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

**********

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

********

Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"



sorry, sorry, sorry :)

[hunny]

LOL

[Daisy420]

man and a woman walk into a building.........you would have thought they'd have seen it..!

Man rings up his boss and says :
' boss i can't come into work 2day i'm sick '
boss says :
' how sick are you ? '
Man says :
' well i'm in bed with my sister..........'

[LeLe420]

alright here's a little joke that I think is quite funny and cute.

One day a dad and his 8 year old son were in the drugstore. The dad in a hurry takes the boy down the condom aisle. the little boy stops and looks at the condom and before dad could pull him a way the little boy points at a three pack of condom and asked dad "what are those?" being a caring dad he briefly told the boy that those are condoms and they are used to not make babies. the boy thinks this over briefly and asked "well why are there three in there?"
the dad replies " well son those are for high school boys: one for friday night, one for saturday night, and one for sunday night."
the boy then notices a six pack of condoms and says"daddy daddy that box says there's six in there. Who are them for?"
the dad replies "well those are for college boys son:2 for friday, 2 for saturday, and 2 for sunday"
the little boy then spots the box of 12 condoms. "Daddy, daddy that big box there, who are those for?"
the dad says to the boy"well son those are for the married men; 1 for january, 1 for febuary,1 for march......


that's my favorite joke hope you guys liked it
LeLe420

[smokette]

How is a man like the weather?
nothing can be done to change either one of them

[LeLe420]

this one's for all my girls out there who understand

why don't women blink during foreplay?

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME!

LeLe420

[neilmcca]

Right back at ya' !! ;)


Male Rules

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want... Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as football, food, or sex.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's
like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

More Girls' English =

Yes = No

No = Yes

May-b = No

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!

" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!

We need to talk" = I need to bitch.

"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.

" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me Iâ??m beautiful.

" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.

" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!

Guy's English

" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

" I'm tired " - I'm tired

" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

" Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.

" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.

" What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?

" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.

" I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!

" Let's talk" = I am trying' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!

" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal 4 you to have sex with
other guys.

[ermitonto]

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in Hell!

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well, You're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt. Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.

Guy: Wow, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.

Devil: All right ! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay.... you're already dead.

Guy: No Way!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yeah, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horseraces, you name it. We even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.

Guy: I never played that before.

Devil: Well now you can.

Guy: Cool....

Devil: You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean...

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you want. If you overdose, It's Okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Alright! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So.... are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no....

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!

[NowhereMan]

So a bear's walking through a forest and sees a rabbit. The bear says to the rabbit "hey buddy, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" the rabbit replies "no". The bear then picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with it.

hahaha



i even luahed the second time i read that

good one.,
:)

[neilmcca]

Q = What go's in and out and stinks of piss ??

A = An old age pensioner doing the "okey cokey"

:p

[neilmcca]

Hell have no fury like a woman scorned :(

[nevertoomuch]

:eek: A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to
his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more
and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper." :)

[neilmcca]

Big Ron's Mates Rally Round...........

(this might confuse anyone who isn't a football fan or not english so read this - http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2004/04/22/nron22.xml is he a 1st class dumbass or what ?)

[nevertoomuch]

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."
6. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far back as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean! Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult times.....

Sincerely,
The Dog :eek:

[neilmcca]

A young woman goes to the vet with her alsation dog and explains what the problem is.

"Every time I bend over, he jumps on my back and, well, you know, does the business. Getting something out of the fridge, putting something in the bin, making the bed: every time I bend over, he's there humping away."

"I see" says the vet "I suppose you want him put down?"

"No, just clip his nails, please"

[ermitonto]

Q: How many rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

[LeLe420]

tom, dick, and harry all die in a car accident and are standing at the pearly gates. St peter greets them and tells them that theyhave lived their lives in accordance to god so they may enter into heaven. But st.peter issues them this warning "God has a special bond with his favorite animal, the duck. Watch to make sure that you don't step on any or you will pay the concequences"
The first day they were waling around heaven and tom accidently steps on a duck and dissappears. A few hours later tom returns with a oman that is quite ugly. dick and Harrry ask tom where he picked up this brawd and tom replies "i stepped on a duck now i have to spend eternity with her."
On the second day the three and tom's new companion are walking around heaven and dick dissappears. Much like tom he returns a few hours later with a ugly women and tom goes to him "I see you stepped on a duck too"
to which dick replies "yes, I squashed the poor little duck and this is who I will spend the rest of eternity with.
On the third day the three are walking around again with tom and dicks new companions and Harry dissappears.
A few hours later he returns but much to tom and dick's suprize harry is accompanied by a gorgous woman who was a supermodel in her time on earth. tom and Dick are in awe and ask "Harry how did you gt her to spend eternity with?"
to this the beautiful woman replies "i stepped on a duck"

[ermitonto]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "Howâ??d you get the eye patch?" "A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[neilmcca]

:D :D :D

[gmantoker]

old mrs hubbard went to the cuboard to get her poor dog a bone
she bent over rover took over and gave her a bone of her own!

[MVilleToker]

lmao

[dog420]

lmao im gunna try drinking stella like that!!!! good 1

Peace

[dog420]

lmao again.....just got a text from hunny with this joke...

Posh spice decided to get her own back on David,,said she fucked micheal jackson,,he denied it and said he was in brooklyn at the time

Peace!

[Dope Chic]

DUI Enforcement

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy." :p

[nevertoomuch]

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says, "Yes...how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well, yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[smokey]

lmao again.....just got a text from hunny with this joke...

Posh spice decided to get her own back on David,,said she fucked micheal jackson,,he denied it and said he was in brooklyn at the time

Peace!

lmao she sent me the same txt faf init

[smokey]

Life with a woman is like a pack of cards;

u need a heart to love her
a diamond to marry her
a club to smash her fuckin head in
and a spade to bury the bitch

sorry it this offends anyone but i like it lol :)

[smokette]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

[nevertoomuch]

WHY WOMEN LIE :p

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the river bank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out,

The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. ;)

[neilmcca]

I'll bet there isn't a man here who can spank the monkey better than me :D

http://rpatrick.com/more/spankmonkey/

[hunny]

Life with a woman is like a pack of cards;

u need a heart to love her
a diamond to marry her
a club to smash her fuckin head in
and a spade to bury the bitch

sorry it this offends anyone but i like it lol :)

ermm ill let that one go..no more bitchin ones lol
:p

[smokey]

I'll bet there isn't a man here who can spank the monkey better than me :D

http://rpatrick.com/more/spankmonkey/

highest i got was 813 mph lol

[smokey]

highest i got was 813 mph lol

im up to 847 mph now hahahaha :D

[nevertoomuch]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"


"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
:eek:

[Lulu]

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features and if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man
doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple
and a cricket stump jammed up his arse. Further studies are expected.

[neilmcca]

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed
her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator
Shocked, she asked; "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
replied: "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing,
the daughter said; "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,
and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise
coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and
observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and
staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy. The wife asked; "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied; "I'm watching the footy with my son-in-law."

[Dope Chic]

Fell A Sleep

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made
love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep,
awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes,
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied.
He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you.
I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've
been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

[gs8778]

I love choc

[Lulu]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon



Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...



a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate



Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...



a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[smokey]

lol brings sum good memorys to mind readin the downright impossible things to say

[cerealkillah]

what do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?????????? an egg!!!!!!!

[dizzy spells]

if you had sex 365 days & saved all the condoms,then melted them down & made a car tyre.what name wud you give the tyre.
a goodyear

[Lulu]

~lol~ yeh but would they be slicks???? ~lol~

[nevertoomuch]

Why E-Mail Is Like a Penis

Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

Many of those who don't have it would like to try it - A phenomenon psychologists call "E-Mail Envy."

It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.

Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

If you play with it too much, you could go blind.

[HvyFuel]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

[HvyFuel]

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman get captured by pirates. The pirate captain tells them,
"I'm going to give you all 40 lashes with the cat-o-nine-tails, but it's my birthday today so I shall allow you to wear one item on your back".
The Irishman is tied to the mast and the captain asks what he'd like to wear,
"I'll keep my donkey jacket on", the first few lashes cut through his jacket and after 40 he needs to be carried away.
The Scotsman is brought forward and tied to the mast. When the captain asks what he wants to wear the Scotsman spits on the deck and replies,
"Nothing". He stands firm through the 40 lashes and when they untie him he laughs at the captain and walks away.
The Englishman is brought forward and the captain asks,
"And what do you want to cover your back?" The Englishman thinks for a moment and replies,
" The Scotsman ".

:)

[neilmcca]

While on the subject of pirates :D


Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'

[neilmcca]

A very gay football referee (this is well funny) :D

http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/thegayestref.wmv

[neilmcca]

Hi all

Dunno if you can help but is anybody interested in a free cat?

A friend of mine is looking for a good home for his cat.
He said it's really lovable and friendly but his girlfriend said the cat
makes her nervous when it stares at her and she wants
it out of the house.

If you know of anyone, let me know.

The picture is attached.

Cheers,

Neil

[hunny]

lol neil that made me smile :D
need sum happyness in the world.......


:cool:

[Fucked Up In Oregon]

lol

[PH4Sheezy]

IS THAT A REAL CAT!?!

[smokette]

Porsche for Sale

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his
parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her
name--they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what
she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for
fifteen
dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell
his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[neilmcca]

IS THAT A REAL CAT!?!

i think it is a real cat, but maybe the photo is edited in some way ?
that is 1 scary moggy though :eek:

[neilmcca]

Q = Why do women have orgasm's during sex ?



A = It gives them something to moan about even when they're fucking loving it :(

[she dont lie]

lol

[nevertoomuch]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment".

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "She's a nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground....

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that;

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[smokey]

heheheh i like tht

[nevertoomuch]

I thought this was hysterical !

http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf

[SumSkater540]

A couple had been married for 50 years and it was their anniversary. They were sitting at the table at breakfast talking.

"You know i bet 50 years ago we were sitting here naked as jay birds," says Bill.
"Well what do you say?" replied Sue,"Lets get naked."

They remove all their clothes and continue breakfast.

"You know," said sue,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"Well, thats because one is in you oatmeal and the other is in your cofee!" replied bill.

[Lulu]

THE WALL

In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi
who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the
holy site and there he is! She watches the bearded old man at
prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she
approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how
long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
For about 50 years, he informs her.
50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the
hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and
friendship."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.

[HvyFuel]

Roflmao A++

[WeeeeeBong]

One day in class little Tommie's teacher told the class that each one of them would be asked to stand in front of the class and tell something about their father's job and what they do.
As student after student took their place in front of the room the occupations went from construction workers to doctors and lots in between.
When it came time for little Tommie to take his turn he walked slowly to the front of the class and just stood there for a few minutes with a frown.
Then in a flash he smiled and began talking.
"My father is an exotic dancer that entertains at gay strip clubs.He dances erotically and men slip money into his g-string.Sometimes if the men have enough money my dad will even go home with them for awhile."

After the class was dismissed the teacher asked Tommie to stay for a few minutes."why in the world would you get up in front of your fellow classmates and say such things about your father?" she asked him.

"I was just making it all up." Tommie answered her.My dad really works for the Bush administration but I was to embarrassed to tell them that.

[neilmcca]

Save the whale ?!

[Lulu]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is." Boy -
"I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy -"$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."

[neilmcca]

Life Explained

First God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained

[WeeeeeBong]

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."


hahahah.... i told this to my wife while she was having coffee and she spit out a mouthful at the punchline.

Kewl joke

[dizzy spells]

lets call this , the bloke joke

this guy goes to visit his wife in hospital.shes been in a coma for 2 years.
he walks into her room & looked down at her.
feeling a little sexy,he squeezed her right breast
the wife opend her eyes & murmered something,then went back into the coma.
so he then squeezes both tits together,again she opend her eyes ,murmered something then went back into the coma.
the guy rushed out to see the doctor & told him what had happend.
the doctor says , try oral.see if that does any good.
so the guy goes off back & the doctor returned 5 minits later & walked in.
how is she,says the doctor.
shes dead doc
DEAD!
how did she die.
SHE CHOKED!

[budice]

a obese man walks into a chemist. "can i have 1 bottle of cough syrup and 1 pack of asprin please?"

the female sales assistant groans and replies "oo,you remind me of john travolta"

the man replies "ooo FUCK off!!this is FAT,not grease!"

.......................

(lame joke alert)

if the answer is "cock robin" what was the question?
"whats that up my asshole,batman?"

[WeeeeeBong]

(lame joke alert)[I]

That should have been in the title not at the end heheh

[budice]

no it should be written on your gravestone,fuckface.

[WeeeeeBong]

I love you too :p

[Lulu]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts

[Lulu]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[neilmcca]

Anyone for a Chinese take-away ? ;)

[stonerneedsrealweed]

Police picked up two kids yesterday, one was eating fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid....










They charged one, and let the other off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D



oh oh ha ha ha ha oh oh lmao lmfao that is so stoner stupid

[kevy cola2]

wow, I can't beleive this thread is still kicking

what's the differance between your father and a picnic table?
>
>
a picnic table can support a family of four ;)

[kevy cola2]

oh shit, I used that one long ago. All right this one's kinda racist

q:What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
a:Father's Day

[JunkYard]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. The father jumps to his feet, and says "Fuck it, I'll do the dishes!"

[eddievanzant]

A pig and a bear are taking a bath together and the bear says could you hand the soap and the pig says no soap, radio?

[eddievanzant]

dot dot dot...

[stonerneedsrealweed]

yo momma so stupid she thought sexual battery was something that you put in a dildoe

[stonerneedsrealweed]

I'll bet there isn't a man here who can spank the monkey better than me :D

http://rpatrick.com/more/spankmonkey/


what is ur record speed??????????????

[eddievanzant]

I got 629 MPH.

[kevy cola2]

What do you say if your T.V. starts floating off in the night?

Put down my tv n****r!

What did the black kid get for his birthday?
Your Bike!

[graymatter]

what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslectic?

someone who stays awake all night wondering if there really is a doG

[Toffee]

hope u like