My wife doesn't know I use cannabis.

[jsn9333]

I am in a very messed up situation. Maybe some of the older members of the board can give me some advice from a toker's perspective, since I don't have any good friends that smoke that I can talk to. Please try to be mature as you read and respond as this is a very real, very painful, and very personal situation.

My wife doesn't know I smoke weed. If she asked me then I would tell her, because I would never lie to her. But she doesn't even suspect and I've never given her any reason to ask me. I'm thinking I need to tell her soon (or quit soon), but I want to give you some background and ask for advice.

Even though, at least at this point, I honestly believe our marriage was a mistake, I believe that no marriage is perfect and if we work on things we can make it work. I feel that I made vows to her and I have an obligation to her to always try to make the marriage work.

I don't know for sure whether or not she will kick me out of the house, but I guarantee if (or when) I tell her I want to use cannabis she is going to FLIP OUT. She is going to be mad as hell, she will probably call her parents and ask what to do... she very well might kick me out of the house and institute divorce proceedings. We've been married over two years. We don't have any children.

We were both raised in ultra-conservative Christian homes. We met and got married all in like 9 months. We were taught that in order to have sex you have to be married.... so there you go. LOL. By the way, I've now looked into the Bible myself (what a bright idea!) and the New Testament says nothing about having to marry your girlfriend in order to have sex with her. Needless to say, I've changed a lot since we got married, and she has not. (And yes, in case you are wondering, I was almost the 30 year old virgin... though I have dated a lot of women, they all have been the type that were "waiting for marriage", and I always obliged).

Anyway, you may not be surprised to find out that we have had a tough time at the marriage thing on many, many different levels... whether it be sexual, emotional, etc. She didn't want to go to counseling at first, but now that we've been married two years she has finally agreed to go with me. So we've been going to professional counseling... which has been good so far, but we have a ton of work to do.

The first time I smoked (since I was like 13 years old) was about 6 months after we got married. I was 27 years old, and I decided to smoke in order to escape from the stress at home. I had felt let down by the morals I was raised to believe in, and I decided to rebel against them. However, now I've realized that the plant is actually not an evil, illegal drug to use to "escape" reality, but is truly a medical and spiritual blessing from God that simply enhances life's reality.

I didn't want to talk to her about weed during the school year because I just finished my first year in law school, and I don't need to be getting kicked out of my house mid-semester. Plus she is a teacher and didn't need to be dealing with this during that time either. However, now I am just in one summer school class and she is "tracked out" from year-round school for the next 3 weeks. I feel like I have to decide to either tell her now that I am going to be a partaking in cannabis now and again or I need to quit.

Honestly, at this point I feel like our marriage is so difficult that if she leaves me over this... then so be it. I am not going to leave her, and I will do my best to comfort her and help her to understand. But, if she says, "choose either me or the weed," I feel like that would be the same thing as saying, "choose either me or listening to music." No one should have to make that choice... so I will not make it. I don't feel like I have an obligation to quit cannabis if that is what it comes down to.

So as it stands, I'm planning to tell her I use cannabis in the next few days (maybe in the next week) and deal with the hell that will follow. Do you have any advice? Do you think that is the right thing to do?

[Reefer Rogue]

Honesty and trust are vital in any working relationship, my advice is to prepare yourself for the worst. You're living in secrecy, you're not being yourself. Tell her and attempt to persuade her it's not as bad as the media and government claim. There are plenty of studies that are pro cannabis. If she does ask you to make that choice then i wouldn't choose her, she should accept you for who you are, if cannabis makes you happy, then smoke it, regardless of anyone. You may be married but you should 'live for yourself, there's no one else more worth living for.'

[L Rag]

Pretty much what Reefer said dude. I really feel for you bro, but you gotta tell her sooner or later. She WILL find out if you don't tell her, and it's better she knows from you. But yeah you already know this, so just... I dunno, there's not much you can do. Give her the facts about weed. If she loves you she should accept you for who you are. And what you do defines who you are. Not much more I can say, other than good luck, I'm hoping for the best dude.. Peace :)

[Greenthing]

Do you think that your not telling her about your Smoking is giving you a guilt complex about your marriage and causing you to have problems in the relationship.:)
If so maybe you should come clean.

[jsn9333]

I don't think guilt has anything to do with it. I started smoking cannabis because of the massive problems in our marriage... as a temporary escape, if you will. I don't believe it has caused the problems... we had very serious problems in our marriage from day one, literally.

I continue to smoke not as an escape, but just because I enjoy it and see it as a blessing. I'm not running from our problems, in fact I have finally persuaded my wife recently to go to counseling with me so we can attack our issues head on. I just feel like I've now decided that cannabis is a good thing, and that I want it to be part of my life. So I need to tell her... if she is going to be part of my life. Or I need to quit... I'm going to do one or the other in the next week or two.


Do you think that your not telling her about your Smoking is giving you a guilt complex about your marriage and causing you to have problems in the relationship.:)
If so maybe you should come clean.

[NextLineIsMine]

It sounds like you need to take some serious time to think out your next steps very carefully. I dont think cannabis has all that much to do with this. You just need to decide whether you truely want to be with her or not and its far better you decide this now than letting some relationship play out before your eyes with no input from you.

If she would actually be that devestated and unsure whether she wanted to be with you over a factor as small as smoking you have to wonder how deeply her love really is for you. Does she want you or just someone to be married to?

[Greenthing]

I don't think guilt has anything to do with it. I started smoking cannabis because of the massive problems in our marriage... as a temporary escape, if you will. I don't believe it has caused the problems... we had very serious problems in our marriage from day one, literally.

I continue to smoke not as an escape, but just because I enjoy it and see it as a blessing. I'm not running from our problems, in fact I have finally persuaded my wife recently to go to counseling with me so we can attack our issues head on. I just feel like I've now decided that cannabis is a good thing, and that I want it to be part of my life. So I need to tell her... if she is going to be part of my life. Or I need to quit... I'm going to do one or the other in the next week or two.
Sounds like you have made up your mind what you are going to do.
All i can say is good luck and i hope things turn out ok for both of you's.:)

[Storm Crow]

You do have problems, don't you! First off, if you have any medical problems, take a look at the link in my sig.

She IS going to blow up. She will be in fear of her job- I work in education, so I know. I'd wait until she hits her break. It will give her time to adjust her thinking without the stress of teaching. Teachers tend to be a bit crazy by the end of semester. (Of course, cannabis works well as a stress reliever. :D)

If you check the bible, I believe right in Genesis, it says God made all plants bearing seed and they were good. If God says it's good, it's fine with me!

Get on the net and warm up the printer-

www.thehempire.com/index.php.cannabis/cannabis_culture/854

CC11: Cannabis and the Christ: Jesus used Marijuana (http://www.cannabisculture.com/backissues/cc11/christ.html)

Marijuana and the Bible (http://www.equalrights4all.org/religious/bible.htm)

Then google- Jesus, cannabis, kaneh bosm (with all its various spellings)- you'll get even more.

Lastly, there is a group called "Christians for Cannabis", who may be able to give you some more ideas. Google their name.

Frankly, love, I wish you two the best, but things are going to be, at best, tough to near impossible. Go see a marriage counselor- preferably one that is not church connected.

Granny:hippy:

[Mississippi Steve]

There is a lot of good advice on here, but I would remind you that its *YOUR* house, unless her name is on all the bills and the mortgage. Been there, done that[twice]. the first time I ended up with the shirt on my back(almost literally) and $29,000 in debts, the second time I figured out that it was *MY* house, and sent her packing.

That being said, you need to be up front with her about *EVERYTHING*, and if she can't deal with it, show her the door and start the procedings yourself. You can either work out your problems and have a decent life, or you can start over. Remember that real life doesn't have fairy tale endings.

[justanotherbozo]

LOL, i actually went back and copied the link in Storm Crow's signature (thank you, thank you, thank you, awesome, awesome, awesome post and a wonderful resource). my thinking was that you might consider taking the complete list of materiels listed in granny's posting and a few of the articles that seem the most appropriate to your counselor. i would go alone and talk to him/her and explain the situation, maybe they will help explain it to your wife.
that being said, it sounds like, in your heart, you have already realized that it isn't a marriage if one has to conform to the other. also, if you and your wife were still virgin when you married, then it's not surprising you're having problems. and believe me, i'm no proponent of casual sex with many partners, i'm actually monogomous by nature, what i AM saying is that not everyone is compatible sexually and that may be a contributing factor here.
there are no easy answers man, follow your heart and pray for God's will, and it isn't God that wants us to stay with someone who makes us unhappy, it's the church and organized religion that vilify divorce, there is NO shame in realizing that things aren't working and will never work and having the courage to start over. remember that if it comes to that, you are both still very young with plenty of time to find someone you would be happy with, and i mean her too, if you're unhappy, she is unhappy.
thank God there are no children to be harmed by your unhappiness.

anyway, my heart goes out to you man.

bozo,
peace, love, dope

[lilpayaso13]

mmmm, i read every bit of that. If now you are unhappy with your marrage with her and marijuana makes you feel better about everything, Just get it over with and tell her. If she takes it bad and leaves you, then what have you to lose? Maybe you would be happier alone and with weed. I beleive everyone out there has a match that is perfect for them and has that perfect chemistry. You have said from day 1, there has been problems in your marrage then maybe its for the best that you find that "special someone". So if she chooses the choice that your so afraid about... and leaves you because of the marijuana, So be it. One day you could find the girl that is perfect for you and accepts you for who you are.
I hope that your outcome of this comes out the way you want it. Peace out my fellow weed smoker :stoned:

[Coelho]

Man... thats a tough situation... i dont know what to say about it...

Anyway... i have a comment on Grannys post... if your wife is such radical Christian like you said, it would be wiser not to show her the things about the Bible, Jesus and Cannabis, cause very probably she would take it as a heresy, a blasphemy, and it would only worsen your situation.
I think it would be far surer only show her the medical cannabis uses... cause they are science-proven facts, and would not be challenging her religious views.

And good luck! :thumbsup:

[RobPA]

You are in a rough situation bud! I was engaged to someone for 5 years who dident like the fact that I smoked pot and always gave me shit for it, but when she wanted to smoke it on vacation or randomly everything was O.K. You are who you are, and if the pot is not impacting you-or your marriage in a negative way then I do not see the problem. But tell her the truth ASAP, TRUST ME, lieing about it and not telling is a very very fine line and I never got anywhere by lieing about it. Tell her, I went to a very strict adventist school for most of my life when I was younger and I understand what you mean about the christtian girl thing and the whole stereotype. Good luck and BE HONEST! tell her!

[StickyfingahZ]

can I ask what church you go to bro.
Did your church recommend counseling?

[birdgirl73]

That's a tough situation, JSN9333. I admire you for wanting to be honest and open and above board with her.

I was trying to put myself in your place w/ her. I think if I were in that situation, I might try broaching the subject within the bounds of a counseling session, perhaps, since y'all are already going. I'd also make sure I said, up front and before you break the fact of your smoking to her, that you have been worried to death about telling her and fear that she may use this as a reason to leave you. That's a way of pre-empting and relieving some of the pressure of that topic up front, which is often a good negotiation tactic.

Another question occurred to me, and I hesitate to ask this but it's worth considering. Are you by any chance bound and determined to tell her now within the next two or three days because on some level--maybe not consciously but down underneath someplace--you're really hoping that this will provoke a falling out and potential separation? Just something to consider about your timing and feeling that this has to be done now.

I certainly wish you the best of luck.

[FreshNugz]

I think it would be far surer only show her the medical cannabis uses... cause they are science-proven facts, and would not be challenging her religious views.


science proven facts are the biggest challenge to religious views. For example, evolution. I'd have to agree with Granny here. I think showing her a connection between MJ and the bible will help her to try and embrace the idea.

Good luck dude.

PS. And just from a girl's perspective...we've all had that fight where the man neglects to tell us something because he is convinced that we will flip out on him. Most times women just appreciate the honesty...by not telling her because she will flip out, you're actually worsening the problem because you didn't give her a chance to react, and just presumed how she would. Even if she's mad at what you said, she will be more forgiving because you were honest..trust me. This is a common relationship issue...of course people are different, but this situation is one everyone can relate to I think.

[L Rag]

I just gotta say man, I'm feeling the love haha. It's primo that someone can talk about their problems and get such a big response from so many people, this is what its about maaaan... peace :jointsmile:

[8182KSKUSH]

Thank god you don't have any kids, don't have kids. Good luck.

[jessem98]

Honestly? Leave her. You two are not getting along, with "serious problems from day 1". This is very bad in my opinion. If you're going to spend the rest of your life (let me remind you, theres no second life) with a person, you better damn well know that you love her, you can be honest with her, and above all co-exist with her. These things should come naturally, and will, when you meet the person you are destined to be with. I had an old chinese lady tell me something at work which was - you know the love of your life when you would die for that person, they may not feel the same way about you (god forbid) but at least they are happy. I think you sound awesome, very moral oriented, and i respect that which is why it bothers me to read that you are thinking of staying with this person. Take this or leave it, I am just saying what id be thinking and doing if i were in your shoes. Also, (im going to guess) half the reason you wed was because of the sex issue. Being in a relationship and/or finding that one person for you is a serious matter, and to me (off of what i read) you really need to sit down, think about what you want out of your spouse, and see how she lines up. I mean no ones PERFECT, but it sounds like shes kinda far off of what you are looking for.

[Coelho]

science proven facts are the biggest challenge to religious views. For example, evolution. I'd have to agree with Granny here. I think showing her a connection between MJ and the bible will help her to try and embrace the idea.

Well... i said that from my own experience... i was born and rised in a very conservative Christian family, and so i know how it feels to be one of them, and i know how touchy they can get in matters of religion.
If someone said me that cannabis has several medical uses, i wouldnt care much about this, from a religious viewpoint.
But if someone said Jesus used to smoke cannabis, i SURELY would be pissed of hear such blasphemy... and wouldnt want to hear anymore about this.
Also, i actually tried this "biblical" approach to convince someone i know (who also smokes and is a Christian) that smoking is not wrong, but when he heard about this he behaved like if i had said a heresy... so i know what im saying when i say to NOT use this approach with ultra-conservative Christians.
And what i meant with scientifically proven is that the medical uses of cannabis are FAR more proven than the "theories" (i would say wishful thinkings) about Jesus smoking weed and such, and thus harder to be questioned and/or disbelieved.

[FreshNugz]

Not talking about Jesus smoking weed at all man..I was referring to the passage that Granny cited in Genesis, which reads God made all plants bearing seed and they were good...or something to that effect.
I just thought it might be a good way to try and approach a strict religious viewpoint..might help to see that cannabis is good, and not what she's been told it is.

[jsn9333]

Thank you so much for your advice, everyone. I really appreciate it a lot. I'll respond to some specific questions people have asked.

jessem98 - Your right that half the reason I married was the sex issue... I didn't know it at the time, but that is pretty obvious to me now. If the sex were cool then everything else probably would be... but we are like bigtime not compatible in that area. I may not have had sex before I got married, but I had enough experience to know that we are on totally different wavelengths. She has got some serious guilt issues or something that totally makes her cold sexually... it is plainly obvious to me. I didn't know women like her even existed. The sex is just no fun *at all*. Either that or we just are not compatible period. I'm hoping this professional counseling will help figure that out.

Anyway, I feel responsible for creating this because I had just finished this "Bible" study (which had nothing to do with the Bible) at church before we started dating and I was on this "purity" streak. So it was actually *my* idea to not even kiss or anything until we got married (well, I got the idea from the church I was going to, but I brought it up to her). So I feel totally responsible for this situation. I feel like a total dumbass even admitting this, but here I am. And the thing is, from her perspective, she could probably care less about the sex issues because she has such a low drive or whatever. So the marriage is great for her (except for the fact that I'm unhappy). So I feel like it would be a totally dick thing for me to do to up and leave her... because the situation is my fault to being with. I mean, I vowed to take care of her. I know that it is not good for her either if I stay and am unhappy for the rest of my life. But I guess I want to try a little longer with this counseling to see if things can get better. I don't know... its very tough...

NextLineIsMine said, "If she would actually be that devastated and unsure whether she wanted to be with you over a factor as small as smoking you have to wonder how deeply her love really is for you. Does she want you or just someone to be married to?"

A: I've wondered that myself sometimes. But I also try to keep in mind that, for her, marijuana is no small thing. It is basically no different from crack cocaine. Her parents were even more strict and fear-mongering then mine. I'll have a lot of work to do in trying to convince her that marijuana is safe.

StickyfingahZ said, "can I ask what church you go to bro. Did your church recommend counseling?"

A: I grew up going to a Southern Baptist Church. That is where we did our pre-marital counseling. That was a joke, by the way. The guy's resume said "B.S. in mechanical engineering from Virginia Tech" (!?) and "some graduate course work in counseling at Liberty University." So basically this guy probably audited half a semester of a course taught by Jerry f*^%ing Falwell. Anyway, I try to not go to that church now... it just pisses me off to hear how much they focus on shit that is not even in the Bible. But it is tough because my wife likes it and we have good friends there. Whenever I can I get her to go to a non-denominational church with me that I like.

The counseling we're going to now is a private psychiatric firm... professionals. It's been very helpful... the lady spotted stuff right off the bat that really made sense and has given us things to work on.

Birdgirl73 said, "Are you by any chance bound and determined to tell her now within the next two or three days because on some level--maybe not consciously but down underneath someplace--you're really hoping that this will provoke a falling out and potential separation?"

A: I think the main reason I want to tell her soon is because we are both out of school for the next 3 1/2 weeks. (at least she is... I'm in just one summer school class). I've been wanting to tell her for a while, but I didn't want to slam her with this while she was teaching... she is very stressed when she is working as it is. Plus I didn't want to get kicked out of the house mid semester and have my grades suffer my first year in law school.

Part of me does hope this provokes a falling out. Yes, I will admit that. Maybe even 50% of me! But the other 50% of me wants her to just be cool with it (cannabis) and then we can keep trying this counseling stuff and try to get things on track. I've been stressing about our marriage for so long now it would be a relief to have it end just for the fact that I would no longer have to worry about how it was going to end. But I know then I'd probably find something else to worry about... I mean, that's life. So in my heart I want to honor my vows and try to make this work. I just don't have much hope because it's been so long. Part of me wonders if I've just taken up cannabis to try to push her away. If that is the case then it has been totally sub-conscious... I mean, as far as I'm concerned, cannabis has been an amazing addition to my life in helping me think more openly about my faith, helping motivate me creatively, musically... its just been awesome and I don't want to lose it.

Coelho - I totally agree I shouldn't mention anything about Jesus smoking weed or any of that. All that stuff is not clear in the Bible anyway, so there would be no sense in arguing about it. I'm going to stick to the medical facts about marijuana and how it is less dangerous then alcohol (which she knows I drink moderately). If I talk about the Bible I'll just mention how it doesn't say anything about drugs except alcohol... and it just says not to get stumbling drunk on that... so given that marijuana is safer then alcohol you can apply the same principles. Something like that.

FreshNugz - Yeah, I think that Genesis verse is good as well. I could mention how it can be eaten, it doesn't have to be smoked, etc. I honestly think a lot of what I say is going to be in one ear and out the other... I think she's going to be in total shock.

[StickyfingahZ]

try and get a medical card,then you'll just be following dr. orders.

[jsn9333]

try and get a medical card,then you'll just be following dr. orders.

I wish I lived in a compassionate state. Plus, LOL... they'd have to issue cards for 'insanity', because that's about the only condition I can think of that I've got (and that is what got me into this mess anyway).

[daihashi]

Man... thats a tough situation... i dont know what to say about it...

Anyway... i have a comment on Grannys post... if your wife is such radical Christian like you said, it would be wiser not to show her the things about the Bible, Jesus and Cannabis, cause very probably she would take it as a heresy, a blasphemy, and it would only worsen your situation.
I think it would be far surer only show her the medical cannabis uses... cause they are science-proven facts, and would not be challenging her religious views.

And good luck! :thumbsup:

Agreed, maybe casually mention it like.. "and did you know that the bible lists cannabis as an ingredient to use in an ointment for cannabis and his people?" then continue on what you were talking about.. if she inquires further then tell her everything you know.

If she doesn't open the door by asking a question then she's not going to have an open mind.

[daihashi]

jsn, I have to say I am sorry for the situation you are in. It must be difficult not having those who are supposed to love and support us shy away because we view cannabis as a blessing instead of a sin.

It honestly sounds like you're on the fence and almost have your mind made up; leaning more to one side than the other. You say you wouldn't lie to her so then why not just come out and tell her. Yes she'l be upset and yes she'll probably yell, or even leave you. Given that you're unhappy at this point in your marriage wouldn't it be better to just tell her? If she leaves you then you may have lost your wife but at least your friendship may still be salvagable. If you remain married and things continue downward then there may be no saving anything and could may make her have things be harder on you in the divorce proceedings (damn a womans scorn).

I commend you for trying to have this marriage work but I do not believe that all the morals the church tries to instill into society are for the best; even in gods eyes.

God wants all his children to be happy, being with someone whom makes you miserable is not what he wants. As a matter of fact this could lead to a real sin; adultery.

Things are going to be rough for a while; but try to keep the end game in sight. That's the key here. What happens now is such a small portion of the duration of our lives.

Live your entire life in misery or break free and live happily and true to yourself? Your choice; start by telling her and then take it 1 baby step at a time. If you can't be who you are by being married to her then you need to find that out NOW instead of later

[jsn9333]

Yeah daihashi, I'm definitely telling her. It's just a matter of how to do it in the most loving way... thanks for your advice man, I appreciate it a lot.

I like the idea of talking to the therapist about it first... but I don't like people I don't know knowing that I smoke weed. So I guess I'm just going to take her hand and tell her like it is as calmly as possible and try to reassure her that I love her.

I just got a job offer today for a summer associate position with a firm in another town too.... that is going to possibly put another big issue into the mix of things... we'll see...

[RobPA]

Tell her. Surscribed to thread waiting to see how it goes!

[Dutch Pimp]

I wish I lived in a compassionate state. Plus, LOL... they'd have to issue cards for 'insanity', because that's about the only condition I can think of that I've got (and that is what got me into this mess anyway).

...I'm on my third divorce...had to rob from my 401k to pay lawyer fees....damn, lawyers...ooopps...sorry, your fix'n to become a lawyer...:thumbsup:

[jagarr]

this has nothing to do with weed really. you are unhappy with your marriage overall. bail out now before you do any more damage to yourself or her.

edit: ok i read my post again and realized i sounded like a wanker. i stand by it though.. don't really know of a nicer way to put it. you just kept saying you felt that your marriage was a mistake. i get all worked up when i see or hear about people wasting their lives away in unhappy marriages. most people do it for whatever children have resulted. you've no children! pull the chute cord! get the hell out! rent a place on the shore and smoke to your hearts' content! i am however a bit confused as to your current religious status.. perhaps her leaving you would bother you in that regard, im not sure. you sound both rational and compassionate though. for that, i wish you the best!

[Pie_man]

Quit the marijuana and stay with the gal.

[HolyChrondon]

pie_man is ignorant, dont listen to him.
its not about the chronic, its about the girl. i cant imagine anybody considering divorce over such a small thing, marijuana.

although, it seems like even if marijuana wasn't involved, you guys wouldn't end up staying together. sorry for the whole situation.
peace.

[Greenthing]

A man has got to do what a mans got to do, so cut the crap and get on with it.:rolleyes:
:beatdeadhorse:

[Pie_man]

pie_man is ignorant, dont listen to him.
its not about the chronic, its about the girl. i cant imagine anybody considering divorce over such a small thing, marijuana.

although, it seems like even if marijuana wasn't involved, you guys wouldn't end up staying together. sorry for the whole situation.
peace.

Shut your mouth little boy. Sometimes you have to realize there are more important things than smoking a joint. Love is more important than being high. Ignorant fool.

[NaughtyDreadz]

Shut your mouth little boy. Sometimes you have to realize there are more important things than smoking a joint. Love is more important than being high. Ignorant fool.

that's if you believe in love...

[dragonrider]

Well one thing's for sure, you can't go on with hiding this fact from her in the long term. If it really is such a big deal for her, then it will be devastating if she finds out other than by you telling her. Also I think it will wear on you having a secret like this --- some people can live with secrets like this, but it doesn't sound like you can.

Actually, I would agree with others who have said that this is not so much about weed as it is about your relationship. You think your marriage was a mistake, and you don't have the kind of relationship that makes it easy to be honest about everything. The weed just happens to be the thing that is potentially bringing it to a head.

I admire your wanting to fix the situation and also the fact that you take responsibilioty for your part in getting to the bad situation where you are right now. It sucks that your normal support group, family, friends, church etc. are not likely to be much help in this particular situation from what you have described. But you have us! And you have your counselor.

I would recommend bringing it up with the counselor and asking advice on how to handle it. They'll have a better read on your wife and the whole situation than what we have. If this is a professional counselor, telling them should not be a problem. They should be able to handle it. If you are eventually going to tell your wife, then having the counselor know is the least of your worries. From what you said, when your wife finds out, soon her parents will know. And if it ends in diviorce, then given their closed mindedness and ingorance, it's quite likely they'll tell other people the divorce was because you are "addicted to reefer." Even if it doesn't come to that, your wife will surely bring it up with the counselor, so better just to start there in the first place, I'd say.

Good luck.

[HolyChrondon]

Shut your mouth little boy. Sometimes you have to realize there are more important things than smoking a joint. Love is more important than being high. Ignorant fool.

Ignorant fool? Thats going a bit far. The ignorant fool is the one who didn't read the full thread. "Even though, at least at this point, I honestly believe our marriage was a mistake". I agree that love is more important than a joint, but does this sound like love? He also states he "feels he has an obligation to stay with her". It's obvious, to me anyway, that the bud is more important than this relationship. End it.

[n1nj4]

Like everyone else has said, this is a very bad situation. Number one, I'm glad you're deciding to tell her. Keeping emotions tucked away can cause major psychological problems in the future. It's always best to be honest, especially to your mate, no matter how bad the outcome is.

If this person is truly in love with you and can accept new ideas at all, you have hope. The biggest thing to realize here is why she thinks marijuana is bad. She's been brought up by the bible, and it's illegal. The first issue is the worst to handle, but the second issue is very possible.

My mother has tried cannabis in the past, but now she's as straight as a whistle. I recently brought her over to my side of the spectrum. I first asked her, why do you think marijuana is bad? The only answer she could come up with is because it's illegal. I asked her, why do you think it's illegal? She sad because it's bad. I told her once upon a time, drugs were used for good. Most drugs were natural, and they were used to fix bad things in our body. Recreational drug usage has been around for thousands of years. The two legal recreational drugs in america are of course, alcohol and tobacco. Not only does the hemp plant have thousands of economical uses, but it can used as a very safe recreational drug. The drug has hundreds of medical uses, where the only medical use of alcohol and tobacco is to kill you. Maybe ask her to read online studies with you. Explain that there is a very very large percentage of the world pushing to decriminalize the only drug they trust to either heal their pain or use safely as a recreational drug.

It's a very tough situation, and the hardest part is tackling the bible issue. I'm sorry you have to go through with this, but I wish for the best!

AboveTheIGNORANCE.org, Live Above The Influence Of Ignorance | Marijuana Facts | (http://www.abovetheignorance.org)

[weedmaster]

your trying to take your marrige vowels seriously, but it seems that you shouldn't have married in the first place, dont live a lie, live life as you want, if your wife doesn't like it, tough you are who you are, let people take you for what you are, otherwise in years to come you will realise that you wasted your life.hope you manage to sort it out.

[painretreat]

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE IS: BE TRUE TO YOURSELF! Sounds like you know that and that is your problem! Only you will have to live with yourself the rest of your life!!! Are you seeing a minister for counseling? If not, a therapist office would be a safe seem place to bring it up. Unless, the therapist is a drug rehab counselor also (lots of shrinks and therapists are weed friendly). You can recite all the scripture and share all the wise skill you've been given, ultimately, it will come down to your relationship with your wife! At 30, I just tried it and have only done it on social occasions. Now, after 20 years of pain and no relief, I will do it every day, as soon as I get my medical script and find some! I was once young and idealistic and thought I'd lose my job by toking! NO ONE REALLY CARES IF THEY LOVE YOU! I think the main concerns are: do not drive and smoke and safety things--I'd be prepared for that. Most of all, if you don't say anything, IT IS YOU THAT YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH! TIMING IS EVERYTHING AND I AM GLAD I AM NOT YOU! You have figured out what to do, when seems to be the question and how. GOOD LUCK AND KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT HERE ON YOUR SIDE! AND PRAYERS! Keep us informed??:thumbsup::thumbsup:

[silkyblue]

well heres my 2 pennies in the boot

marriage is NOT ez
its work
you can Never TELL everything you've done 'without her'
its gonna take alot of courage to deal wif this plight
alot of willingness to fight it out weather its, beside her, in front of her, or behind her

I would not say a dam word to her about herby

do you communicate at el?
got hobbies ?
talk, talk, talk, talk to her

dont sit back waiting to attack she will attack back

give each other 20 or 30 minutes of good commun talk without interrupting

as for the sex thats a tuochy sub
does she even come
poor fing

virgin has alot to do wif it
got pornos?


playboy?
tell her youve been thinking of subscribing to playboy
see how sh reacts

hef goes to church and he seems really kool )

my take is this on sex


hur on top
peter inserted all the way inside
rock gently

make her feel safe...... rub her


on a sad note
she might have been abused or raped [buy a loonatic] as a child

Im certain there is pain there
sounds like alot of sorrow there
ya just gotta fight it out

leave the big stuff alone
we can never understand it all

if you would jump in front of a bullet 4 her
and she u
thats the ultimate sacra.

what more do ya want?
if your a god loving man
you would pray about it


we lived beside a couple
try story
kenny went behind the shed
to take his tokes

I would laff so much seeing him behind that shed at my window


rotza ruck

hold fast tightly
whatever u decide

[L Rag]

well heres my 2 pennies in the boot

marriage is NOT ez
its work
you can Never TELL everything you've done 'without her'
its gonna take alot of courage to deal wif this plight
alot of willingness to fight it out weather its, beside her, in front of her, or behind her

I would not say a dam word to her about herby

do you communicate at el?
got hobbies ?
talk, talk, talk, talk to her

dont sit back waiting to attack she will attack back

give each other 20 or 30 minutes of good commun talk without interrupting

as for the sex thats a tuochy sub
does she even come
poor fing

virgin has alot to do wif it
got pornos?


playboy?
tell her youve been thinking of subscribing to playboy
see how sh reacts

hef goes to church and he seems really kool )

my take is this on sex


hur on top
peter inserted all the way inside
rock gently

make her feel safe...... rub her


on a sad note
she might have been abused or raped [buy a loonatic] as a child

Im certain there is pain there
sounds like alot of sorrow there
ya just gotta fight it out

leave the big stuff alone
we can never understand it all

if you would jump in front of a bullet 4 her
and she u
thats the ultimate sacra.

what more do ya want?
if your a god loving man
you would pray about it


we lived beside a couple
try story
kenny went behind the shed
to take his tokes

I would laff so much seeing him behind that shed at my window


rotza ruck

hold fast tightly
whatever u decide
how blazed are you :stoned:

[daihashi]

how blazed are you :stoned:

It's funny.. I was wondering the same thing when i read that yesterday but just bit my tongue. lol :hippy:

[RobPA]

how blazed are you :stoned:


I deffenitely would put him in the "Baked" catagory.

[dragonrider]

how blazed are you :stoned:

Definitely blazed ... but still a great read! I'm not sure about the advice, but I always love reading Silky's stuff because of the WAY it's said --- "Rotza ruck!"

[Coelho]

how blazed are you :stoned:

Well... i dont know if she was actually blazed... she always write like this... so i think it can be her usual way to write... and while its indeed a bit hard to understand (mainly for me who dont speak english), usually she write nice things that are worth the effort of reading...

[silkyblue]

Fanks I was hoping to hear what he decided sounds like he wants to screw around whilst stoned. Gonja is not the whole answer

I was straight when I gathered that togther thank you very much anyway

its the truff


some things need left unsaid period

talk good things up too momma Id have a couple of chittlens soon its whats its awl bout dude

family, trust, life, feed the pathway in front of you

dont get yo self kicked to the curb


theres no place like home

pretend your a carpenter then she a lady
would she have your baby



its the ones that stay that get the prize


:stoned::jointsmile::rastasmoke::smokin::pimp::hip py:

[TurnyBright]

It seems to me that the institution of marriage is extremely harmful in just about every way a relationship can be harmed.

Wouldn't it be better if you could just choose a person who you love or at least enjoy and just be "together" (in whatever sense you wish) for as long as you felt happy? There would be no prerequisites besides your own, and no expectations besides your own. Common sense dictates that inter-personal relationships cannot be regulated by law, why do we try so hard to do just that?

[silkyblue]

why do we try so hard to do just that?




its like climbing a mountain
dont step close to the edges
its gonna get steep

but your boots on babe brrrr


its cold again feels like fall~~

[painretreat]

What happened to jsn??? Hope he isn't in the street! Perhaps on his honeymoon!:)

[jsn9333]

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the long delay. I've been taking time to think and pray about this. I still haven't told her that I want to smoke weed. I almost told her last night; I was very close to telling her. I had a few pints at the pub and had "beer courage" going on I guess. Then I decided that was not necessarily the right state of mind to be in when I told her. I don't really have any excuse as to why it is taking so long other then that I'm just terrified. I honestly don't know whether to quit the weed or tell her... or maybe just quit for now and think about all this. I haven't smoked any since I last posted here. I'm trying to just be "true" to her in that regard. I'm not going to smoke again until I tell her. The strange thing is I'm also doing an outdoors grow right now... because I didn't want my last seeds to go bad since they are already a year or two old. LOL... how fucked up is that?

Anyway... here are some responses to those of you who were so kind as to offer me words of wisdom and love. Thank you, all of you.

Jagarr, if I did say our marriage was a mistake then that was a bit too harsh. What I mean is that we rushed into marriage, and *that* was a mistake. I foolishly believed religous zealots (who it turns out weren't even teaching me the real Bible) when they said I shouldn't fuck (or even kiss or LOOK sexually at) my girlfriend before marrying her. So in that sense... we made a mistake, or I did. But I have grown to love her as a person, and as a friend... as my wife. We just have these sexual incompatabilities that break my heart, and (obviously) some personal differences as well (as far as beliefs about drugs, etc.)

As far as my religious situation... I still am a very devoted Christian. I just read the Bible for myself now instead of letting some dumbass Southern Baptist pinhead tell me what it says. If I would've done that from the start I would not be in this mess. I take responsibility for that. Anyway... I'm not sure about divorce. You would think it would be "allowed" in this situation... but I'm not sure about that. I don't want to turn this into a theological debate, but basically at this point I would not feel comfortable in my faith divorcing her. That may be a mistake, but it is what it is. And on top of that, even if I could divorce her I don't know that I want to.

Dragonrider... I don't think I can bring this up to the counselor (the weed that is) or even allow my wife to. If she went to the counselor with it I would deny everything. I'm in law school right now and eventually will have to sit for the bar. They do a serious examination of your "fitness" to be a lawyer. They very well might get access to the records of our counseling session... or at least ask about what happened with that, etc. You would be amazed at how much some state bar's pry into candidates personal lives. I plan on lying on my bar application about whether or not I use illegal drugs. If I get caught in that lie my career is potentially over and my 3 years and thousands of dollars in law school is wasted. Counselors do not have the same "confidentiality" rules that lawyers have, so essentially my secret (weed use) would not be "safe" with the counselor. Everyone from insurance companies to the state bar examiners to law enforcement could get their hands on that information. Perhaps it is unlikely that would happen... but I'm not going to take that risk.

painretreat, we're seeing a licensed professional therapist with 20 years experience in couples counseling. Thank you for your prayers and your words of wisdom.

silky blue,
Thanks for your advice. You have very good words to say. She and I do talk a lot and spend a lot of time together. We go for walks, golf, and sail together. So yes, we do have hobbies and communicate and all that. You would think that the sexual problems would be easy given our relationship but they are not. As far as your questions... no, I don't think she orgasms. She says she "thinks so... maybe..." and... yeah, I would think she would know if she did. She was in an abusive relationship in the past and had to get a restraining order on the first guy she ever slept with. She is just filled with guilt and... its just a big mess. On top of that I think we're also just different sexually. For instance, she doesn't like french kissing or oral sex. I love it. Things like that... some people are just different.
She has told me she would leave me if I ever wanted to watch pornography, so that's a big no no. I've bought countless numbers of sexual help books... she threw out the ones that were too "dirty" (with pictures, etc.). She does like sex... don't get me wrong. I just don't like it (with her). I don't really know how to explain it beyond that. She has said she thinks she associates me with her past "abuser" and maybe that inhibits her... but then she took it back. It's just wierd having sex with her. I just don't know how to explain it. Also, she seems to not even want to have an orgasm. I mean, she'll say she does... but then she doesn't want oral sex. So what sense does that make? I would rather be having sex with someone else. I don't know how to put it other then that way. I guess I hope that this therapist will somehow "fix" her so she learns how to orgasm and gets rid of all her guilt. But then again, some people are just not compatable sexually... maybe that is the true problem. I just don't know.

TurnyBright,
I agree that the law shouldn't regulate marriage. If I had it to do again I would never get married (legally speaking) again. That being said, I don't see anything wrong with two people committing to work through any problems that may arise in the future... with the hope and faith that it will only make their love stronger in the end. In that sense, sort of the "religious" or "spiritual" sense of "marriage", I think it is a good thing. Given how strangely we went about dating (essentially we knew absolutely nothing about each other sexually before getting married) I'm just not sure if we should try, try, try, try to make this work... or just give up. I just don't know.

I guess part of me also wants to wait and see if the sexual problems get better before telling her about weed. But that could be forever. I guess deep down I love her and I want this all to be fixed. I feel like if I tell her about weed it may just ensure that we never overcome all of our problems we're seeing the therapist for.

[jsn9333]

I might show her this video (linked below) and then have "the talk" with her. (she loves drew carey and I bet she has no idea he probably smokes refer)

reason.tv - Videos > Medical Marijuana (http://www.reason.tv/video/show/57.html)

I'll let her know I love her, but I've decided that the drug laws in this country need to be changed and I'm going to fight to do it. I'll tell her I want to try marijuana for the same reason I initially tried beer.

I'm so nervous just even imagining doing this... but I think this is what I need to do.

[NaughtyDreadz]

I might show her this video (linked below) and then have "the talk" with her. (she loves drew carey and I bet she has no idea he probably smokes refer)

reason.tv - Videos > Medical Marijuana (http://www.reason.tv/video/show/57.html)

I'll let her know I love her, but I've decided that the drug laws in this country need to be changed and I'm going to fight to do it. I'll tell her I want to try marijuana for the same reason I initially tried beer.

I'm so nervous just even imagining doing this... but I think this is what I need to do.


RIGHT ON!!! the truth will set you free...

[rebgirl420]

Every time I read the title of this thread I can picture some guy smoking in a closet or behind a plant while his wife is on the couch reading.




"Shhhh, hand me my lighter"

[painretreat]

Thanks for the update. With the nice individual replies and honest, appreciated! It really sounds like you both need individual therapy. She must have some sex issues, she may never be able to discuss in front of you. It may be, she has something to say to you about sex as much as you do to her about pot! Once the two of you get honest with each other, the rest may fall into place! Sex is not everything! It helps a great deal and if neither of you are getting satisfied, it could ruin your relationship more than sharing secrets. I doubt there could be more intimacy or serious issues than sex! Once, you are real with each other, I bet it falls into place! You are both holding back. My experience, to have an orgasm, you really have to let go, as pot would do for both of you! Too bad it would not be good to slip her some good brownies! I played with MJ in college and then let it go due to occupation. As a First Southern Baptist Christian, I did not try it until 30 yrs old and was against it until then! Not after trying it. I tried it because a 65 yr. old woman told me, she could not tell her children not to do something, if she did not know what she was talking about, so she tried whatever they did. I thot, open my mind and try it! I loved it! It did open me up more sexually as well as verbally! Enhanced my relationship which soon dissolved! Not because of Pot! When token, I find I talk a lot easier. Just my experience! It sounds like most of the real important things that you need for a life time relationship are there, except honesty on both sides on these 2 issues! Those are things you can work out. If she is so stiff in sex, it may take a long time in therapy. There are no quick fixes. Ultimately, if one of you had a bad accident and you could not have sex, would you stay together--because that is what love is about! Ultimately, if you are growing, you want to be caught and forced to talk! Is that the way you want it to come down? I had problems smoking in front of people, until I had a real good medical reason--then no problem. I have never been with anyone I did not tell first, even if I wasn't doing it! I have been with no one that use's though! Even First South. Bapt. can open up! Takes timing and growing up. THERE IS NOTHING MORE INTIMATE THAN ULTIMATE SEX. Heck, I even started reading The Forum Mag! It sounds like she has a mental hang-up, as you expressed and she needs to work through that. But, telling her--I know a man married for 30 years and never told his wife! But, he did not gro at home! I don't know how fulfilling a relationship could be if you feel you are living a lie! If you fear being alone more, then that is something else! Good luck with the counsel and I do sincerely hope it does work out well. It may be she has repressed things, she isn't even aware of and it could be a rough emotional ride for both of you! She may need a lot of support from you through it, if she can be open and honest with therapist and I doubt that will happen with you in the room! You may consider joint (pun intended) and individual therapy! So much prayer and love is going your way!;):hippy: Oh, I decided I can be a Christian and go to a different kind of church, like Unitarian or whtever you choose, something not so rigid. Falwell's demise, may have helped the Baptist a bit, don't know. But, there are other options for a church, as well!

[painretreat]

was typing this and it disappeared! maybe buy her a vibrator and encourage her to use it with or without you and without shame! She can climax without penetration, if that is an issue, mentally. She can experiment until she knows what please's her and how you can do it! Even if you have to use the vibrator on her! Once you bond with great sex, she won't leave you over pot, maybe! Don't take my word for it, but I know it would create what sounds like an ultimate bond. If all is what you say and you sound pretty honest. Plus, a lot of things in foreplay are simple, erotic and not sexual, yet very stimulating that by the time u touch her, she may almost climax before you get started! Once, she knows what it is! I could climax just thinking of the one I love--so, for me alot of it is in the head! So, the counselor is certainly the right track. Once, she has a real climax, she surely won't want to go without anymore! I sure couldn't, unless I had to. And you, if you don't get satisfied with her doing so--well, it ain't just her then, is it? Lots of us quit pot in the 70's to have our children and some still aren't, cause the kids are still living at home and they want to set a good example. My friend's daughter is 22 and at home. They have told her about their past. I don't see why they can't do it now, since it wasn't a daily thing anyway, but it is their choice! I kind of liked the closet idea and expected one of the guys to say, use your hand in the closet and a Bud in the bed! lol just a joke! I know this is serious. But, this is suppose to be one of the best pleasures in life, I am not sure I'd give pot up for a climax! It is a toss up, but i've had a lot more practice with sex!! Continue to pray for you and I do hope this is not a long ordeal for you both. She will love it when she has one! You may have to take another honeymoon. There is also a book, long ago called, "The G spot!" You might want to read it and see if perhaps there is a little more you can do! This is the ultimate bonding a new marriage really needs. Once you have that bond, I bet you can tell her anything--it is special!

[Forwhat420]

Show her this thread and tell her to read it all. You have explained to us your true feelings which is what she needs to know first of all.

Secondly after showing her the video explain to her that marijuana is a PLANT, drugs are synthesized by MAN, and are proccessed with SYNTHETIC CHEMICALS that affect the brain. I myself wont even touch PRESCIPTION DRUGS, and hated that UNCLE SAM shot me up with some SYNTHETIC stuff that I dont even know. OK sry back to your problem:jointsmile:

This sacred plant has effects that open spirituality like no other thing on this earth. I myself find it easier to talk to God when I blaze on Sunday morning. It has been around longer than any "drug" known to man, so? How can it be a "drug" when it is ingested without any chemical processes? (Argument to grow your own after she understands and becomes more receptive after you convince her to try it with you)

Lastly if you choose to let her read this thread do it now for I have something to say to her...

Mam, your HUSBAND in the Lord has come to us, a community of unknown people that are supposedly "drug users." And look how we have united together to help this fellow brother of ours. How can we be evil "druggies"? You two obviously have some things you need to deal with, and cannabis is unlike a raven immorale's Xanax, or Prozac, which you really don't himto turn to.

The key to any successful relationship is COMMUNICATION, and being open to the fact that HUMANS must AGREE THAT DISAGREEMENT is OK. When you two can learn to communicate in ALL areas of your life, the skeletons and all then you will truly be happy. The feelings of guilt from past situations have to be known throughout the relationship in order for it to blossom. (Like a cannabis FLOWER) Once again communication is KEY to all relationships, and not being scared of the other's reactions. Knowing that it is ok because TRUE LOVE can understand and CONQUER all.

You two have alot to talk about.
You must not misjudge for what is judgement but the LORD.

P.S. CHECK this POTHEADS grammar out. Can I have my A+?

[silkyblue]

we is not alowwed to type other drugs on here




unlike a raven immorale's Xanax, or Prozac, which you really don't himto turn to.





:S1::S1:

[bigdog1]

i think its important that you tell her EVERYTHING you posted on this thread. It is very improtant to be open and honest in a releationship. I'm not sure why you are so worried that she will flip out, as it seems that you and her are already not on the best terms currently. Hiding more things from her will do nothing to fix your current situation. If revealing your marijuana use becomes the tipping point that leads to a divorce, it is still not the end of the world. You are both young and still have your entire life ahead of you. However, if you reveal your true feeling about marijuana and you and here truly love each other, I do not see you two divorcing over marijuana use alone.


BTW, i wouldn't tell your therapist about marijuana use. They will likely shun you for it, being that most doctors are prudes. Trust me i know ;-)

[painretreat]

i think its important that you tell her
BTW, i wouldn't tell your therapist about marijuana use. They will likely shun you for it, being that most doctors are prudes. Trust me i know ;-)

Been 2 a lot of parties with therapist's and Dr.s in years past, they do not practice what they preach!

U need to re-read silkyblue's advice-some excellent advice. And you can do it without even talking! U need to start somewhere and that is excellent way to give her control to open up! :thumbsup: PR