I feel like the worst person in the world right now

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

I can't believe I can't stop crying right now. I never would have let myself cry, if worst came to worst I'd just have a nervous breakdown and hyperventilate or get really depressed and withdraw or something. I never cry, and now I can't stop, all last night till i was exhausted and fell asleep, and now all morning.

I had the best friend in the world, the best friend I ever could have asked for. But then because I'm a fucking idiot I had to fall for her, hugely fall for her, and got these stupid ideas all summer about being with her when she moved down. Then the first day she moved down she tells me she's gonna hook up with this fucking asshole. Days and day I tried to pretend it was ok, it was like being punched in the stomach every time I saw them together...

Then I finally fell into this massive depression and just snapped. I wrote her this letter and said she was just using me, I said she was flaunting it in front of me just to hurt me just to be vicious and cruel, I said she'd be with nothing but shallow assholes forever because I was the only one that cared about her. I said all these stupid, delusional things and none of them were true, she did nothing to deserve any of it.

I tried to apologize when I came to my senses later, I tried to explain, I tried everything because I ruined the best friendship I ever had in my life. God damnit I threw it all away because of one day that I lost my head, and now she won't forgive me. I mean I know thats her right and I know I deserve it, but I don't believe those things I wrote and I'd never do that again, and I just want the best friend I ever had back. But she hates me now and the most fucked up thing is I know she should hate me yet at the same time I don't want her to. I'd never in a million years hurt her but somehow that's exactly what I did. It doesn't make any fucking sense to me anymore.

haha I cna't even stone myself into oblivion because I have to do a presentation today that's worth huge marks. I don't know how I'm going to do this presentation I can't hold myself together no matter how hard I try. Maybe I should just do it really really stoned anyway.

[yoda]

give her her space. i dont wanna say there's more fish in the sea, but this isn't going to be the only girl you've felt like you've loved. you'll move on. it just takes time.

[420MissHighTimes420]

first, if she is as good of a friend as you say she is then she would get over it and like plantboxer said and laugh about it. so like yoda said,give her some space and then in a week or so call her up and tell her you've gone nuts, like we all do at times, and that your sorry and you know you fucked up but you want her to forget about it. If she doesn't agree it's her loss, and you shouldnt beat yourself up over it because we all do things like that! and I think everyone deserves a second chance. she should understand.

[beachguy in thongs]

Do the presentation really, really stoned. :420thought:

[Platinum Plus]

Ahhh i hate when that shit happens eyy? nothing worse than that well not much anyways
but the answer is as above mentioned give her her space and let her do what she's doing
or confront her about it but not in a way that she'll be offended or anything like that
just lay it down nicely and you should succeed i can guarantee rihgt away but the point is that you will.

[FakeBoobsRule]

I think you're being entirely too hard on yourself. Give it some time like everyone said. Is she still with this guy? If so when they start to have problems she will probably call you.

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

Ok this is my fault for not clarifying. But on the bright side I took a rediculous amount of painkillers and I'm alright again... and numb and stoned all to hell. I wrote that letter about 3 weeks ago, I apologized 4 days after, and only yesterday she wrote me back saying I ruined our friendship. So she had 3 weeks and no, time didn't heal all wounds.

I know you all say she'd forgive me "if she's a real friend" but I was a hardcore bastard, completely outside of my normal personality. I mean I can't even talk to most people, yet the first day I met her we talked so easily. She was always nice to me and I was always as nice as I could be to her and in 3 years we never had a fight. She always understood me, always accomodated my social ineptitude without judgement, I loved every moment with her. I just can't understand how we've had so many experiences together and talked about so many intimate things, and she won't even forgive me just this once. This is the only time I've done anything to her.

I don't have any delusions about anything happening between us, I honestly just want my friend back. I've never had a friend as good as her and I don't even have any friends in town as it is. I still can't believe I threw it away.

(PS. the presentation got delayed till next Monday)

[friendowl]

excuse my language but "fuck that girl"
who cares.true friends would never ever make you feel like you feel
you are giving her too much credit
you are gandalf the grey man......its hard but you gotta smile and belive in yourself
girls like her are a dime a dozen..let the asshole teach her some lessons
just be cool ,get drunk and pretend she died

[Unknown American]

friendowl has it right.

Did you mean what you said in the original letter? I think you did. Were you lying in the first letter? I think you told her straight up what you felt.

You even backed down and tried to apologise for how you really feel.

Personally I would consider her dead. I am no ones doormat.

She is just a girl.

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

friendowl has it right.

Did you mean what you said in the original letter? I think you did. Were you lying in the first letter? I think you told her straight up what you felt.

You even backed down and tried to apologise for how you really feel.

Personally I would consider her dead. I am no ones doormat.

She is just a girl.


I meant it when I said it because I was horribly depressed, and delusional. None of that shit's true, she didn't maliciously go out to hurt me for no reason, we had a really really close friendship, we pretty much loved each other on a platonic basis.

"She's just a girl" doesn't make any more sense than "He's just a guy". Everybody is a guy or a girl, the personhere is somebody incredibly important to me. The simple fact of the matter is that I saw them together again and again, it kept me up for many nights, and I had hours upon hours, days upon days to twist my thoughts into something that justified how I felt. As soon as I came to my senses, stopped being in a constant state of anxiety, I realized how crazy those thoughts were.

Maybe I shouldn't have made this thread, nobody understands or has advice other than ditching her. It's not any of your fault, you all have my thanks for offering advice, I guess you just can't know not seeing the situation first hand.

[thcbongman]

I understand why you wrote what you wrote.

You bottled up your feelings for so long you let them out in anger. No no no. That'll only result in more anger, and then sadness. It's a vicious cycle you have to break.

Bit by bit, try to be more expressive on what's your mind. Don't let it build up, or this is the result: you became what you preached against: the asshole.

If she is truly your friend, things will fall right back into place. One time I attacked and beat up my friend for absolutely no reason. It took a couple months before we started hanging out again, but it's like the good old days again, the incident is forgotten. In the meantime, don't loathe yourself and do your thing.

Everyone does some dumb things sometimes. You have to learn from it my friend. That's all.

[Unknown American]

What advise can anyone give you. What was said is said.

You cant take it back.

You tried to apologize.

You have done all that you can do.

Believe me, all of us here have made mistakes. It hurts and the pain is real.

But dwelling on a mistake is not going to change the situation.

I feel for you man. I have been there myself.

You made a mistake. All you can do is go on.

[Weedhound]

Sometimes when things are said they can never be taken back. The pen truly IS mightier than the sword.

Yes.....you may have lost your friend. But I have an honest feeling that she is less of a "friend" than she is you think she is.

I would give things time. Write a sincere letter of apology and let that be your last statement if necessary. Get some space between you and the situation.

And learn to forgive yourself like FBR says. You're as human as the rest of us.

[Coelho]

Maybe I shouldn't have made this thread, nobody understands or has advice other than ditching her. It's not any of your fault, you all have my thanks for offering advice, I guess you just can't know not seeing the situation first hand.

Well... i lived a situation much like yours... with the difference that me and the girl actually HAD a relationship, and it only made the things FAR worse... For you, it was only a dream, thoughts in your mind... for me, it was real... so the pain was FAR worst... i know VERY well how feels to be with that one person in the world who you feels comfortable with, that one person that understands you, as i was (and am) probably as lonely as you... its very good, i know... i also know how it feels to see this person with another one... i know how much it hurts... and trying to pretend that its allright is as bad as...
The only advice i can do is the same that everybody said: forget her. I know its hard, as it took me almost 4 YEARS and more than 1 pound of weed until i could forget this girl... and until today i avoid meeting her like the devil avoids the Cross, cause seeing her still bothers me...
I could say that you, like me in that dreadful times, just suffered your first heartbreak... the first one is the worst, i assure you. Whenever you overcome it, you will be FAR stronger than now.
For me, it backfired, cause since then i couldnt love anybody with the same intensity i loved that girl. What, for me, is very good, cause now i know i could make the craziest shit because of that girl. I would understand why people died by love... happily, now im FAR soberer, and my heart doesnt control my mind anymore.
Anyway... all i can say its that it will pass, sooner or later. Dont let your life revolve around anyone, or anything... Time DO heal the wounds... but sometimes it takes a LONG time... so, carry on, my friend. Sooner or later you will overcome it, and will be stronger and wiser.
My best wishes for you! :thumbsup:
And remember the song:

"When i fins myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary :hippy: comes to me
Whispering words of wisdom:
Let it Be! :jointsmile:"

[kikoraa]

Yea man me and a really close friend started dating after high school and it almost lasted a year and she realized i wasnt the one for her. I did the same thing you did became an asshole to her left her messages and notes and being depressed for months. Now i cant say were as good of friends as we were but we still talk to each other on occasion. Everything takes time man some more than others. It took us 4 or 5 months to finally be able to talk to each other in a friendly manner.

Time man, just stay cool get out make more friends. You two will get that friendship back.

[tootsie roll]

I meant it when I said it because I was horribly depressed, and delusional. None of that shit's true, she didn't maliciously go out to hurt me for no reason, we had a really really close friendship, we pretty much loved each other on a platonic basis.

"She's just a girl" doesn't make any more sense than "He's just a guy". Everybody is a guy or a girl, the personhere is somebody incredibly important to me. The simple fact of the matter is that I saw them together again and again, it kept me up for many nights, and I had hours upon hours, days upon days to twist my thoughts into something that justified how I felt. As soon as I came to my senses, stopped being in a constant state of anxiety, I realized how crazy those thoughts were.

Maybe I shouldn't have made this thread, nobody understands or has advice other than ditching her. It's not any of your fault, you all have my thanks for offering advice, I guess you just can't know not seeing the situation first hand.

Ya know, people are right. If your friendship was as strong as you thought it was, then she would listen and forgive and tease you forever about it.

If you are up for trying again, first of all, don't write letters and actually mail them. Write to your hearts content and rip em up and burn em. KWIM? Find a quiet time and place where nobody will distract the two of you and beg for mercy.
If it's real, she'll forgive you.

A shortened version----

If you love it and it's meant to be, it will come back to thee.

[qdavid]

IMHO Weedhound and Coelho got it exactly right. Write that letter and say what you've said here. Don't forget that depressed and delusional when you sent the first one stuff and maybe how she was your window to society. Send it, forget it. And FBR was right what he said too. Though it might take years to get by it, at least you might have some sense of closure. But this is just my opinion, among everybody's. It's yours that matters.

[ReUp]

You're fucked. Who cares? Stop the bleeding now. Move on.

[THClord]

To me it sounds like you are a typical "nice guy" who got fucked over. Yes, she was your friend, but she probably never even entertained the idea of thinking of you as a bf.

It also sounds like you don't know what you want. You don't know if you just want her back as a friend or you want her as a gf.

Either way, my advice is "grow some balls," then she'll respect you.

And if you havn't got into a fight in 3 years, that's bad. It sounds like you don't express your wants, needs, and feelings. A one-way friendship/relationship is not a good one.

[420_24/7]

im in almost the same boat as you, one of my best friends is this girl who i was in love with about two years ago, she turned me down repeatedly and i eventually backed off, but just recently ive fallen for her again and i knew that nothing would come from it, but just like you i kept toying with notions that it might work out, i ended up telling her that i was in love with her again and the same thing happened but we stayed friends and now all i can hope for is to be as good of a friend as possible, and i think thats what you should do, eventually she will forgive, you need to be as honest with her as you can. explain to her how much you like her and how you were offended by her because of this guy, and that it wasnt her fault for being with him because she didnt know how much you liked her.

also as a side note i refuse to smoke when im depressed because i dont want to become reliant on it, and if it makes me feel better that might happen.

i feel for you gandalf, its hard when love and friendship mix.

[Canadian_Cron]

thats kinda messed up... but if u were actually best friends i think you could fix it up.

id give her some space first of all for a few days before i tried to expalin myself again. id just tell her that like you said, she didnt deserve any of the things that you said and that you feel horrible about it because she is one of your best friends. tell her that you only said them because for a little while youve had some feeling for her and you seeing her with someone else bothered you and you got jelous and stupid about it and shouldnt have taken your own issues out on her and that your really sorry and hope that you can still be friends because you really do enjoy being her friend.

see what she says and make sure your honest about what you say. she probally wont be 100% ok with it after that and things might b awkward for a bit but if you both really want to work on it and still stay friends then i think it will work out. also make sure that you tell her that you know that she doesnt feel the same way about you and that your ok with that now, which will help with a lot of the awkwardness... good luck bud! its worth a worl!

[Non]

"We can be hurt and still go forward, crushed and still live"

well in real life, to be crushed, no.