has anyone had to deal with the loss of a loved one?

[partyguy420]

i know theres a few people on here, that have lost very close family members... but i was just wonder how everyone has delt with the loss of those family members and friends....


for me... i basicaly started using alot of drugs and alcohal, to cope with loosing my grandpa, who made me the man i am today...

and started using more drugs when my cusian/aunt(we consider he our aunt because of her age, and also because of how close i am to her sons, her oldest one in perticular...)

but loosing my grandpa who basicaly raised me from birth... we lived with him, befor my parents got their own house... and even after we moved, my grandma and grandpa moved 2 houses away from were we lived at... and basicaly he would watch me and my siblings everyday while our parents were at work... and even after we started school... he would watch us, and when i needed a ride some place, he would give me a ride... or when i got kicked off the bus for good... he would wake up and give me a ride to and from school every day... he tought me everything i needed to know in my life(he wasnt good with schooling... but he knew how to drive trucks... how to fish... how to work on cars and trucks... how to weld... and how fix small motors..) and he tought me everything except how to weld... he tought me how to run the chain saws... how to mow a lawn and make it look nice... tought me how to drive... tought me how to gut a fish... tought me how to dress so i would look good... tought me how to cut my hair... hell he even tought me how to fucking pee....

he was a good man...

(sorry... i just needed to say somethings that i felt like saying...)

EDIT::: i also just relised why i wear white shirts all the time... and its because my grandpa wore alot of white shirts...(except he wore V-neck shirts with pockets over the left pecktorial muscle....) and i guess i just want to be as much like him as i can be...

[sorgens_kammer]

I've been in that situation for a while... My dad died when I was in 8th grade and My grades went down, I stopped playing sports, and I lost a lot of my friends because I wouldn't hang out with them as much as I used to. I had a girl at the time, we dated for 3, almost 4 years and I also was a great thing that ended... that helped me cope with the loss of my father.

Then after we split I had time to just sit back and think about more people other than mine and mine girlfriends friends. So I slumped into drugs, and alcohol... Im doing a lot better now, I still smoke. It helps the relax me, but overall as a rough breakup ( we got back together once) it was a good experience for me to grow up I guess.

[slipknotpsycho]

yes, and i haven't (dealt with it).... i bottle it up and ignore it.

but, it's like sticking dry ice in a bottle of water, it only holds so much pressure before exploding. and it's not pretty when it does explode...

the one trigger that never fails is hearing limp bizkit's version of behind blue eyes... it was played at his funeral over and over and over and over... i couldn't get the song or the image of him laying there out of my head for months.

now for the past couple of years i've been plauged by nightmares. always the same but always diffrent... he's there and i'm always 10 seconds too late or 10 feet to far away to save him. what makes them so horrible is the fact that i feel the emotion in the dream... i feel that sickness in my stomach and the rush of sadness and disbelief i felt when my mom called me to tell me he was gone.

[ghosty]

Sorry this is long.. as I was typing it I realized I've just never really expressed how I felt about losing my grandpa... I dont expect anyone to read all of it.

I lost my grandpa who I was close to, when I was about 16, he was my only grandpa I ever really knew, as my other grandpa died shortly before I was born ... He had dementia, which led to his brain basically shutting down, it was really sad near the last few years to see him slip away more and more. I remember everytime, I came over, at one point we would have the same conversation. "What grade are you in again?", "Are your grades ok?", and finally "How old are you again?" It used to annoy me having to repeat it all the time, until I got a little older and realized how much that conversation meant to him. He asked those same questions, to me and all my cousins because it meant so much to him, that he never forgot. He wanted to keep it fresh in his mind, sometimes he even knew the answers, and would respond assuringly with "I thought so" . My mom and uncles didnt want me and my little cousins to see him on the condition he was in in the hospital because they wanted our memories of him to be of when he was looking better, so I never got to visit him before he died. He always had dementia through my whole life, but it wasn't as bad in my younger years, it got progressively worse as I got older. I have good memories of him when I was younger and he would take me places with my grandma... I love hearing the stories my grandma, mom, uncles and older cousins tell about him... Although I was only around for the later part of his life, I know he was a great man in his better days, he was the president of 2 hospitals at one point... he still was a great man for what I knew of him too... It was funny despite slowly having his brain and short term memory become null, he could still remember things from when he was younger, in amazingly vivid detail... like where he was exactly on many famous dates, even what he ate for lunch that day etc.. all of his stories were in such detail... He had to have had a photographic memory at one point.... I miss him a lot whenever I think about it, we all do.

R.I.P. Grandpa Frank


P.S. Slip, if you want help with them nightmares come find me on AIM... with a little help you could make those into positive dreams about your bro.

[slipknotpsycho]

it won't help, i know you probably think it would, but i would have to get over the guilt before anything would work, i do highly appreciate the offer so don't take it that way... i just know me, and the way my mind works very well... (i've been in psycho-therapy since i was 5 after all)

i have the nightmares becuase i feel guilty... i know it's not my fault (it's actually my dad's) but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty... i'm the one who got him started on weed and that led down a very rocky road...

[ghosty]

it's all good man...i understand where your coming from, ive got some inner demons too

[partyguy420]

Sorry this is long..


....I have good memories of him when I was younger and he would take me places with my grandma... I love hearing the stories my grandma, mom, uncles and older cousins tell about him... Although I was only around for the later part of his life, I know he was a great man in his better days...

...he could still remember things from when he was younger, in amazingly vivid detail... like where he was exactly on many famous dates, even what he ate for lunch that day etc.. all of his stories were in such detail... He had to have had a photographic memory at one point.... I miss him a lot whenever I think about it, we all do.

R.I.P. Grandpa Frank
.

thats how my grandpa was... he never did develope demintia... (my grandma will tell you he did, but i talked to his doctor, whos also my doctor about him, and asked him stuff medicaly about my grandpa... and the doc said he wasnt even showing the begining stages of altimiser or dementia... just he had canser... and emphizema(SP?)...)but he used to tell us kids all kinds of storys about his younger days... like... were he was when presiden JFK died... he was in a brand new, tanker truck, hauling waste oil for a company(cant rember the name) and what road he was on... and what song was on befor the news broadcast came out over the radio... were he was going....

or... my grandma told me a story about some family being over at their house one time, and they were playing a card game... drinkin beer... and my grandpa got up to make some sandwichs.... and asked my grand uncle what he wanted on his sandwich... and my grand uncle said "everything" and my grandpa took that litteraly... and put everything that he could find that was edible in the fridge.... on his sandwich...

or you could ask him about the animals he had... and years ago... when i was about 1...(this is after we moved out of their house... and in with my dads mom) my grandpa and grandma moved to forks washington... and they had about a 5 pound cat... and when the thing mowed... it sounded like a mouse squeek...

and you could ask him about world war 2... and korean war... and he has storys about them... and how in the asian countrys... the walls of the jails were actualy paper...(or they were when he was over there)

theres also alot of storie about me and him... usaly fishing or cutting wood for the winter... never got to go hunting with him... but for the longest time... when i was planing my first hunting trip, i was going to dig up his body... and take his body hunting with me...

a few of the best memories with him... was spenging the night at his house on friday night... and waking up at 6 AM... watching the news, then driving 40 miles to civilization... and going to McDonalds for breakfast.... and on the mornings were i slept at my moms, and didnt wake up on time to drive the 40 miles to make it to McDonalds on time for breakfast... we would just go to the burgar barn (its the local fast food place were i lived at) and we would order bisquest and gravy.... or when we were younger... and my mom and grandma were both working like 90 miles away from home... my grandpa would make dinner... and every night was either mac and cheese with chili and hotdogs... rice and chilli... chili dogs... or frozen pizzas... TV dinners... or Pot Pies.... he was a simple old man... that knew how to make the kids happy....

after he died... everyone was expecting him to jump out of his casket... and go haha just kidding... cause he was a funny guy... and knew how to be as funny as a guy on comedy centeral... and thank god i was around him alot... because im able to make a joke out of anything because of all the time i spent around him....

he was also a defencive old man... if you fucked with his family... he was ready to load a gun... and he was prepared to go to jail... and the trueth of it is... he was....

thats a picture of his grave stone...(it says he was only in the marines... but he was also in the army... and it only says world war 2... but he was also in korea...)

[KoTToNMouThChRiS]

reading this brought me to tears because i lost my grandpa last year aroudn this time and i put most of the feelings from it away

[Chronisseur]

PartyGuy, Ghosty and Slip, you guys just made ME cry too!

This is the BEST thread EVER :D

[13thirteen]

Well my father just died a few weeks ago. The thing is he was not really that nice to me so his death is bittersweet. I really have no feelings about his passing. I felt worse when I lost my grandparents a few years back.

[jamstigator]

Lost my mother when I was 12 when she died in a car crash driving drunk, with me in the car. Sadly, had she listened to me when I told her she was too drunk to drive, she might have lived. Selfish me, realizing how drunk she was, and unable to convince her to pull over, and unable to figure out a safe way to assume control from a drunk and resisting person while going 65 mph, climbed into the back seat, prayed she wouldn't crash us, and survived when she did crash us into a telephone pole. She died instantly.

Lost my father when I was 5. But he didn't die. What happened was, he and my mom decided to get divorced, they separated, and my dad brought in another woman with six kids of her own. They were mean kids too, almost killed me by locking me in a toy chest during the summer, came awfully close to suffocating. After that, I said I wanted to live with my mom, and so I went to stay with her. Since that time, 1969 I guess, I've seen my father maybe four times. So far as I know, he's still alive, but he wasn't much of a father: he never tried to see me, he declared me a dependent even after I was no longer living with him, he never paid child support or alimony (and as a consequence we went hungry a lot - I weighed about 95 pounds at age 17, at 5'10" height).

I've lost other family members as well (grandma, brother-in-law, stepfather), but none that really had such profound effects as those caused by my losing my father (because of his choice) and then my mother (because she wouldn't listen to me that night about her inability to drive).

But all-in-all, it's kinda like they say: the finest swords are forged in the hottest fires. I just look at the the various hard times I've had to endure as things that make me a stronger person, and hard times have made me, if nothing else, a capable survivor of hard times.

[trynagethigh]

I feel everybodys pain here as I lost my entire family 4 years ago to murder. Yes I do bottle a lot of the pain up and like Slip said when it explodes it aint pretty. Feelings of guilt, yes to an extent. I feel guilty because I know if I would have been there this wouldnt have happened and I somehow blame myself for that.

True enough whatever doesnt kill you definitely makes you stronger but sometimes it makes you a hell of a lot harder too, even a more colder person as my experience has done me. Coping with loss is different for everybody and everybody has to find their own way of doing it. For some its to respond angrily all the time, for some its to just put it in the back of your mind. Point being you gotta deal with it sooner or later.

As far as music goes, yes the one song that really gets my blood boiling and into tears is Duran Duran's Hungry like the wolf. The song sends me into a complete outrage and i have to change the song as soon as possible. Its wierd how shit like a song can do that to you and have that kind of effect on you. Just keep steppin people and take one day at a time.

[Spoken Word]

i know theres a few people on here, that have lost very close family members... but i was just wonder how everyone has delt with the loss of those family members and friends....


for me... i basicaly started using alot of drugs and alcohal, to cope with loosing my grandpa, who made me the man i am today...

and started using more drugs when my cusian/aunt(we consider he our aunt because of her age, and also because of how close i am to her sons, her oldest one in perticular...)

but loosing my grandpa who basicaly raised me from birth... we lived with him, befor my parents got their own house... and even after we moved, my grandma and grandpa moved 2 houses away from were we lived at... and basicaly he would watch me and my siblings everyday while our parents were at work... and even after we started school... he would watch us, and when i needed a ride some place, he would give me a ride... or when i got kicked off the bus for good... he would wake up and give me a ride to and from school every day... he tought me everything i needed to know in my life(he wasnt good with schooling... but he knew how to drive trucks... how to fish... how to work on cars and trucks... how to weld... and how fix small motors..) and he tought me everything except how to weld... he tought me how to run the chain saws... how to mow a lawn and make it look nice... tought me how to drive... tought me how to gut a fish... tought me how to dress so i would look good... tought me how to cut my hair... hell he even tought me how to fucking pee....

he was a good man...

(sorry... i just needed to say somethings that i felt like saying...)

EDIT::: i also just relised why i wear white shirts all the time... and its because my grandpa wore alot of white shirts...(except he wore V-neck shirts with pockets over the left pecktorial muscle....) and i guess i just want to be as much like him as i can be...

People comment here with sincere replies. but honestly, you just made me shed a tear..
just the thought of how important he is to you....i can relate 100%

my grandfather is also my savior and role-model.

im currently in a very good relationship with my grandfather...and our history, if not exactly, is kind of like yours.
I have never dealt with death though. my family's very young.
I couldn't imagine losing my grandparents...it would just be too hard of a blow.. but i have to shake it off, cause one day.. it will happen.....it's life..or should i say, death.

my condolences... i really cannot say anything else.. i don't know how fresh the death is but i think with time, the heartache heals itself.

what's great is that we have so many fond memories of our grandparents. that's gold.

keep your head up man, and if you are like me... ALWAYS remember the things he taught you. hopefully (i feel a knot in my throat :o) one day we can be honerable and honest men, just like them.

[Chronisseur]

People comment here with sincere replies. but honestly, you just made me shed a tear..
just the thought of how important he is to you....i can relate 100%

my grandfather is also my savior and role-model.

im currently in a very good relationship with my grandfather...and our history, if not exactly, is kind of like yours.
I have never dealt with death though. my family's very young.
I couldn't imagine losing my grandparents...it would just be too hard of a blow.. but i have to shake it off, cause one day.. it will happen.....it's life..or should i say, death.

my condolences... i really cannot say anything else.. i don't know how fresh the death is but i think with time, the heartache heals itself.

what's great is that we have so many fond memories of our grandparents. that's gold.

keep your head up man, and if you are like me... ALWAYS remember the things he taught you. hopefully (i feel a knot in my throat :o) one day we can be honerable and honest men, just like them.

It's amazing how much the two of these posts are relevent to me. It's almost like I could have written them MYSELF, had I been born 1 millisceond later:wtf:
Basically my deal is I lost my Grandma to cancer 2 years ago. Her and my Grandpa pretty much raised me, helped me and loved me more than anything or anyone in the world.
(This is tough, huh?)
I believe my Grandma's watching over my Grandpa and I, from a MUCH better place, and all I can do is continue to make them BOTH proud by being the man they taught me to be:D

My heart go's out to EVERYBODY who's lost SOMEBODY!

[alienhed420]

I had a friend die this summer. It was under unusual circumstances. He was found hangin on a tetherball poll. but there was no note so the cops said it was an accident. I want to believe it was an accident but i don't know. I miss him and have been talking to the family. Whatever happened, i still love and miss him. I hope hes in a better place

[TheDefiler]

Damn man....no wonder u guys smoke weed!

[partyguy420]

I believe my Grandma's watching over my Grandpa and I, from a MUCH better place, and all I can do is continue to make them BOTH proud by being the man they taught me to be:D

My heart go's out to EVERYBODY who's lost SOMEBODY!

thats one of the major reasons why i quit using the things i was using... is because of something a very nice, very wise, and very wise old man told me(this guy was my grandpas best friend, and the guy lived about 5 houses away from my grandpa, and 7 houses away from my moms...) so after my grandpas death, i spent alot of time around lenord, because of how close him and my grandpa were, and the fact that, he treats me like one of his own kids, or grandkids...(in some ways, better then his own kids)

but he told me, "you know your grandpa is sitting in heaven right now, watching everything you do, and you know your grandpa dosent want you in jail or in drug treatment, or running around doing drugs. or drinking alcohal''

and thats one of the major reasons why ive quit using the things i was using cause personaly, i dont really care about jail, or treatment, or what i was putting in my body... but what would my grandpa would have told me if he was still here today... he would have cried... and in my intire life, i have never seen this man cry.... infact, i really want to quit smoking, and have tried my best to quit, because one of the possible ways he died was due to smoking ciggerets.... he quit after smokeing since he was about 10 years old.. i dont rember how long he smoked... but he smoked until about 1997 or 1998 i belive....

but the whole reason why i posted this thread was because i have alot of stuff to get off my sholeders.... and dont kave anyone i can really trust to talk to at the moment.... except for my mom, and i dont want to bother her with talking about my grandpa, because she cared for him as much as i do, because he always gave her a sholder to cry on... like after her divorce from my dad, he was there for her... and he even tried to help them work their problems out.... and after my mom, had just started buying a car, she lost her job, he was there for her, and then because she couldnt find a job, doing what she was originaly doing(this was during the time of the whole Enron bull shit and the major stock market crash when GWB got in office and all the big companys were laying off alot of workers) she had to settle for the only other thing she knew how to do(house cleaning) and doing house keeping she spent more time driving then she did actualy working... so between loosing her job living on unemployment, and then getting a new job, she ended up in debt, and then after she got her new job, she was only making around 11 dollars an hour starting out, she eventualy got a raise to around 15 dollars a hour, and since dad wasnt paying child saport, she ended up in even more debt, and lost her car..... and the whole time this was happening, my grandpa was there for her....

so i try not to talk about him around her to much cause i HATE seeing my mom cry.....

my grandpa was the glue that held the entire family together.... now that hes gone, theres no thanks giving dinner at grandmas house, no chirstmas dinner at their house.... i mean after he first died, we had one last family thanksgiving get together.... and one chirstmas.... but it was basicly, crying over the loss.... and then when we werent fighting... some one was accusing another person of another thiing.... or some one else of doing something... BLAH BLAH BLAH... i know who stole all of his stuff(that was all left to me) and it was his son, who only god knows what he did with it... but there was thousands of dollars worth of tools.... that were sapost to be mine when he passed away... that his second oldest son drove off with.... they were tools he left me, to help me out when i needed them, to help my family out when they needed things to be fixed, he also gave them to me, because he knew how much i loved working or cars, bikes trucks... and just motors all around....


god damn it... im bored today... and just typing everything in my head.....

[partyguy420]

and i feel bad for everyone who has lost a loved one.... its hard... and sometimes we dont deal with it in the right ways... but we will learn how to do it correctly someday... and we will learn how to rember the person, but not hurt when we think of them... some day... i hope....

[slipknotpsycho]

god damn it... im bored today... and just typing everything in my head.....

that's probably not a bad thing, you are after all sober... probably got alot of shit on your mind... one of the best things you can do when trying to go sober is express your mind and just babble on... as it helps keep your mind off wanting to get fucked up...

so go ahead, ramble away :p

and i'm also not too confident i will ever learn to deal with it... my brother was my best friend, my protector (litearlly, i've never been a fighter, but with him around i never had to worry about shit, if someone even looked at me wrong, well it was like trying to hold a full grown pit bull back...) and of course, my brother.

nothing can replace him, nothing can make me forget him, nothing can make me let go of him, nothing can make me get over him.... other then my wife he was the only person on earth i have, or ever will trust with my life, or my true feelings...

[BlAzInIt4:20]

My Mother died when i was 15 in a car accident...

I took the drug path also.. it got so bad, i didnt even know who i was anymore. i looked in the mirror and i didnt even know who i was looking at. Read up on the 5 stages of grief.. it helps to know them, so when your going through them you can relize how far you have come.

he's always with you.. and watches over you just make sure to keep his traditions alive. YOU make dinner every year, YOU get the presents, YOU take the action to bring his way of showing love back. People will see how hard you are trying and only have one option which is to help, so each year should get easier and easier for you.

Took me over 3 years to accept the fact that my mother is gone.. And to this day i still have depressing moments. like right now im in this mood were i dont care about anything or anyone. Im driving to fast. im doing drugs, drinking. But i know i will snapp out of it.

Just try to stay posative no matter how hard life becomes.. because once youv fallin down, theirs only one other way.. and thats up..

[partyguy420]

that's probably not a bad thing, you are after all sober... probably got alot of shit on your mind... one of the best things you can do when trying to go sober is express your mind and just babble on... as it helps keep your mind off wanting to get fucked up...

so go ahead, ramble away :p

and i'm also not too confident i will ever learn to deal with it... my brother was my best friend, my protector (litearlly, i've never been a fighter, but with him around i never had to worry about shit, if someone even looked at me wrong, well it was like trying to hold a full grown pit bull back...) and of course, my brother.

nothing can replace him, nothing can make me forget him, nothing can make me let go of him, nothing can make me get over him.... other then my wife he was the only person on earth i have, or ever will trust with my life, or my true feelings...

yea.... when my grandpa first died, thats the way i thought, that i would never stop crying.... but eventualy... i finaly stoped....

[yoda]

i havent had any close family pass on me yet. but a few friends have unfortunatley passed on. had to put one of our cats to sleep on friday. plus a dog that was hit by a car.

[slipknotpsycho]

My Mother died when i was 15 in a car accident...

I took the drug path also.. it got so bad, i didnt even know who i was anymore. i looked in the mirror and i didnt even know who i was looking at. Read up on the 5 stages of grief.. it helps to know them, so when your going through them you can relize how far you have come.

he's always with you.. and watches over you just make sure to keep his traditions alive. YOU make dinner every year, YOU get the presents, YOU take the action to bring his way of showing love back. People will see how hard you are trying and only have one option which is to help, so each year should get easier and easier for you.

Took me over 3 years to accept the fact that my mother is gone.. And to this day i still have depressing moments. like right now im in this mood were i dont care about anything or anyone. Im driving to fast. im doing drugs, drinking. But i know i will snapp out of it.

Just try to stay posative no matter how hard life becomes.. because once youv fallin down, theirs only one other way.. and thats up..

i know them, by heart actually...

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

if anything, i'm inbetween anger and denial... i still refuse to accept he's gone, (nightmares) but at the same time i hate myself for putting hi mon that path.

[BlAzInIt4:20]

i know them, by heart actually...

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

if anything, i'm inbetween anger and denial... i still refuse to accept he's gone, (nightmares) but at the same time i hate myself for putting hi mon that path.


I have nightmares every single night to this day... if not about my mother then about some radom ass shit.


when my mother died i had a dream of the car accident the day after.. a month later i saw the pictures to the scean and my dream was to the exact fence post.

[slipknotpsycho]

yea.... when my grandpa first died, thats the way i thought, that i would never stop crying.... but eventualy... i finaly stoped....

oh it's not about me thinking i'll never get over it, atleast at that level, i'm sure i'll accept it in the years to come.. those are just, quite literally, impossible shoes to fill...

i hope he knows atleast no one will ever replace him in my heart... not even a year before he died me and him got in a huge ass fight and i booted him out on the street... but we did make up eventually... months upon months later... i'm glad too, i probably would have followed him if i had never gotten the chance to straighten shit out

[slipknotpsycho]

I have nightmares every single night to this day... if not about my mother then about some radom ass shit.


when my mother died i had a dream of the car accident the day after.. a month later i saw the pictures to the scean and my dream was to the exact fence post.

i only have two nightmares, my wife leaving me, and more often, me being just almost close enough to save my brohter, but not close enough....

[partyguy420]

i hope he knows atleast no one will ever replace him in my heart... not even a year before he died me and him got in a huge ass fight and i booted him out on the street... but we did make up eventually... months upon months later... i'm glad too, i probably would have followed him if i had never gotten the chance to straighten shit out

thats something that happend between me and my grandpa.... infact also between my mom to... we all got in a argument, over something so fucking stupid.... and i understand why my mom was mad.... and i understand why my grandpa was mad... but i dont know why i was mad... it was nothing that had anything to do with me... i mean, grandpa got mad at my sisterm,, because she was in a convicted child rapeists yard...after dark... were no one could see her... and grandpa told her to get in the house...(she was trying to get her cat, because she wasnt spayed or what ever its called and we didnt want it getting pregnat....) and my mom came out because my sister started yelling at my grandpa...(i was already out side getting wood....) and basicaly, it turned into a big fight the night befor he passed away.... and he left for his docters apointment about an hour befor i woke up....

he passed away, while waiting in the car, for my grandma to change her dentist appointment.... and that day, he was sapost to take lenord(his friend with him) and my little brother, along with my grandma, if he hadnt stoped to change my grandmas dentist apointment, with the way he drives, they would have been doing 75 miles an hour on the interstate.... possible killing 3 other people.... who are closer to me in my life, then the girl i justed ended a relationship with not to long ago....

[Chronisseur]

Do you guys ever feel like since the loss, you've become closer?
For me, it seems like I understand my Grandma and her lessons even more now that she's gone. Maybe I'm crazy?

[420MissHighTimes420]

I'm sorry to hear about everyones loved ones. I lost my grandmother in Febuary and that was really hard for me. I had just gotten kicked out of my house .... agian .... and I went to stay with my grandparents for a while. I was there a for about a month, and jst watched as my grandmother withered away. It was really hard to see. When we lost her I didnt know what to do or how to react. I smoked more than I usually do, and tryed to not think about it to much. It was hard becase I felt like I never told her how much she helped me out and how much I care about her. But I know she knew it after she passed because I felt her with me on and off for about 5 or 6 days after she died. I really do belive she hung around me befor she went over and it made me feel ok about her dieing because I knew she was still with us in some form -because energy is never destroyed and all that jazz -- but at the same time everytime I hit a blunt I was thinking about how I didnt want her to see, because I know to her I was innocent. I felt terrible because I smoked alot of herb in there house and they had no idea, and I felt like after she died and saw the real me she was dissapointed. But hey I loved her and she loved me and that's all that matter. r..i.p. grandma. :giveflower:

[GraziLovesMary]

me being just almost close enough to save my brohter, but not close enough....

This is about the only thing in the world that can give me nightmares.. something happening to a loved one and Im right there so close.. but can do nothing to stop it. In fact my last nightmare involved my little brother in a situation just like that many years ago.

Im sorry for everybodys losses. Death and loss is something that, unfortunately, I have become very familiar with.

A lady I met at a play my family went to, became a VERY close family friend, she would watch me all the time, she was so motherly and sweet, reminded me of my grandma alot. She ended up dying of the cancer I never knew she had. At 8 yrs old, going to her funeral was the first time I had ever seen a dead body in a casket. I had friends that got shot when I was in 1st and 2nd grade, and I saw a couple of their bodies on the ground, but its different when they are in the casket. Next was my grandpa on my fathers side when I was 9 whom I loved dearly.

My fathers cousin who we were very close to.. my dad and him grew up together.. they were closer than brothers. He worked on an AWACS plane in Alaska, Yukla 27 was the name of the plane. One morning during takeoff it sucked 12 Canadian Geese into the engine and exploded at 10,000 feet. I had heard about it all day long, and when I got home my dad was standing there and asked if I had heard about it. I was kinda excited because they had been talking about it all day. Then he told me "Cousin Steve was on that plane." Oddly enough I find myself almost tearing up upon this recall a bit...

I have a large extended family, and I know them all. Family has been important my whole life so Ive been very close to all my uncles, aunts, cousins, 2nd cousins, great aunts and uncles, etc forever. Ive lost many great aunts and uncles that I would visit on a regular basis.. my moms favorite cousin died a few years ago after being diagnosed with 3 different terminal cancers.. it was a very quick downhill slide..

My moms mom died when I was around 12 I think, and her dad a few years later.. My gramps was the worst of the grandparents to die yet because we were very very close.. When I was 14 my mom and I flew from Germany to NC to see him.. I stayed with gpops and played cards with him and watched TV with him, put on his insulating stockings and everything.. it is one of the best memories I have of him.. and the last time I ever saw him alive. My Uncle Charlie was with him when he died.

My two best friends were in a truck with two other of my friends last September, the driver and everybody else were all drunk, and the only one wearing a seatbelt was the driver Tommy. Even though he was driving at 100 mph down a backroad on the foggiest night Ive ever seen in America.. only in Europe had I seen worse fog. Tommy went off the road at 100+ and launched into a massive oak tree which slammed him down into the ground and sent him not into a roll, but a SKIP.. skipping and flipping through the air, bouncing off the ground every 20 feet or so. The three not wearing seatbelts were immediately ejected. My best friend and brother Robby was thrown about 60 feet across the ground and managed to get crushed as the truck smashed over his body. Cody was thrown in a trajectory of about 75 feet along an x axis, and ended up 25 feet up in a tree. The paramedics didnt find his body until they had been on the scene for 20 minutes, and only because there was an extra pair of shoes on the ground. Rob died before they could get him on the chopper, he kept screaming "I dont want to die!" Our good friend Shannon was on the EMT crew that got there.. he didnt even know it was Rob until he asked him his name and Rob told him. Cody was heli'd to the local hospital at 12:30AM and they stabilized him enough to send him to shock trauma 3 hours later. They tried to put blood back into his skull but it kept seeping out the hundreds of cracks in his humpty dumpty head. They pulled the plug the next day.

The wierd thing was that I met Rob through the church I used to go to. And that church employed me for the month of September. He died on the 17th, a Sunday, and I got to work the next morning, having been at the hospital all night, to see the crew excavating his grave. I was the head pallbearer with his brother, and I threw the first shovel full of dirt in.. I didnt leave until that grave was packed.. and I was the one to fertilize and throw grass seed on it.. its still wierd for me.

A few months later, My uncle Charlies youngest daughter got married at 25. She was always so beautiful, and one of my favorite cousins. She died less than 24 hours after being married from a very rare type of cancer that, once again, I didnt know she even had. Whats worse? Her husband had to go on TDY right after they got married and he kept calling and she didnt answer, so he called his friend to send him over.. and the friend found her dead.

Lets see.. who else has died in my life.... too many to count.. too many to recall.

My little brother goes to Iraq in December.

I feel numb.

[crudemood]

I feel everybodys pain here as I lost my entire family 4 years ago to murder. Yes I do bottle a lot of the pain up and like Slip said when it explodes it aint pretty. Feelings of guilt, yes to an extent. I feel guilty because I know if I would have been there this wouldnt have happened and I somehow blame myself for that.

True enough whatever doesnt kill you definitely makes you stronger but sometimes it makes you a hell of a lot harder too, even a more colder person as my experience has done me. Coping with loss is different for everybody and everybody has to find their own way of doing it. For some its to respond angrily all the time, for some its to just put it in the back of your mind. Point being you gotta deal with it sooner or later.

As far as music goes, yes the one song that really gets my blood boiling and into tears is Duran Duran's Hungry like the wolf. The song sends me into a complete outrage and i have to change the song as soon as possible. Its wierd how shit like a song can do that to you and have that kind of effect on you. Just keep steppin people and take one day at a time.


I find its hard to become 'normal' again once something so tradgic has happened to you. You become so cold and isolated because you don't want anyone to see this 'dark' side of you that has seemd to overpower all the good that was left in you. I tend to just bottle it up, repressed it, forget it and ignore it. I dont want to deal with things head on, I'm just not that type of person. How unhealthy it is, but its what I learned growing up.

[c of green]

I would get more into things but i'm not alone and don't like people to see me cry but.......lost my dad to cancer when i was eleven,lost my brother to violence before that and one friend hung himself.alchohol and violence where how i coped.then i found marijuana to calm the anger and my pregnant wife helps me look to the future more so than the past.

[tootsie roll]

i know theres a few people on here, that have lost very close family members... but i was just wonder how everyone has delt with the loss of those family members and friends....


for me... i basicaly started using alot of drugs and alcohal, to cope with loosing my grandpa, who made me the man i am today...

and started using more drugs when my cusian/aunt(we consider he our aunt because of her age, and also because of how close i am to her sons, her oldest one in perticular...)

but loosing my grandpa who basicaly raised me from birth... we lived with him, befor my parents got their own house... and even after we moved, my grandma and grandpa moved 2 houses away from were we lived at... and basicaly he would watch me and my siblings everyday while our parents were at work... and even after we started school... he would watch us, and when i needed a ride some place, he would give me a ride... or when i got kicked off the bus for good... he would wake up and give me a ride to and from school every day... he tought me everything i needed to know in my life(he wasnt good with schooling... but he knew how to drive trucks... how to fish... how to work on cars and trucks... how to weld... and how fix small motors..) and he tought me everything except how to weld... he tought me how to run the chain saws... how to mow a lawn and make it look nice... tought me how to drive... tought me how to gut a fish... tought me how to dress so i would look good... tought me how to cut my hair... hell he even tought me how to fucking pee....

he was a good man...

(sorry... i just needed to say somethings that i felt like saying...)

EDIT::: i also just relised why i wear white shirts all the time... and its because my grandpa wore alot of white shirts...(except he wore V-neck shirts with pockets over the left pecktorial muscle....) and i guess i just want to be as much like him as i can be...


You were very lucky to have a grandpa so lovingly involved in your life. What a wonderful gift. For both of you.
I can very much try to let you know, you are not alone.

With me/my family, it started around when I was 8. My grandpa passed away. The rents basically shielded me from the ceremonies/services.
A couple of years later, a young family member was murdered. That damn near tossed everybody over the edge.
BUT THEN another 2 years passes and my father dies!!!!
I was sure that was it. I was basically done with life at that point. I gave up because to me, there was no reason to even go on.
Somehow I managed to go on only to have my bosses 4 year old daughter die of cancer. (I'd known her before she was out of the belly). I didn't think I could take anymore. omg!
Then the kickers my best friend commits suicide. (I'll never figure that one out as he had a FANTASTIC family and life) and my other best male friend accidently (?) drove off a cliff.

That was all before I was 19.

Believe me. death doesn't stop and it could be any of us at any second.

How to deal with it?
Everybody mourns in their own way. Losing a loved one is insanely hard.

[Chronisseur]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vv1sRFbsKDY


I hears this and thought of my peoples here at cannabis.com
Have a good day everybody!
(and bump this song!)