the user's guide to males....

[slipknotpsycho]

ok c'mon guys, chip in here... we're trying to get a compiled list of actual 'rules' for operating us males :wtf: try to keep the comedy out of it, i want this serious.... (females could do the same if htey like)

one sex always seems to have problems understanding the other, so lets get a guide going... can be rules, input, anything... just to help the opposite understand us better.... what we need, what we want, what we mean... but like i said, keep the comedy to a minimum... (also note, it may not apply to every guy, but try to keep the postings to the general population of males..i.e. the majority share this trait)


i'll start.... deep down we do need the closeness, but nearly from birth we're conditioned to be non-feeling machines... the tact you apply needs to somehow coincide with both.... don't make it seem like we need you, rather, you need us... push for the closeness, but not to apoint of aggervation, and keep comments like "how come you never wanna be close" out, cuz i garuntee most of the time that leads to a fight, again, we were conditioned to need nothing but ourselves.... we can't actually answer that question without going against everything we know... we need you as much as you need us, we just aren't able to show it as easily. we may be the main pillar of strength in relationships, but we are still just as needy and vulnerable as you...

[invoke]

Yes that's true, another thing i hate is when my girlfriend will call me saying she is at the store, and thinking about me asking if I want anything. If I say no, it doesn't mean buy me a candy bar because I like candy. It offends her if she gets me something and I don't really want to eat it right away, or when she makes me breakfast and I am not hungry when I wake up. It's not because I don't want your cooking.

I find it odd that sometimes girls are like, "Well I made you eggs and bacon for breakfast and you don't even want it.", then lunch comes around and you ask her to make you something because you like their cooking, and they freak. "You're lazy I made you breakfast a couple of hours ago."

Basically men are simple and will mostly tell you what they want, when they want it. This does not mean it's a demand. You can decline, and I will not be angry or frustrated in the slightest but I am asking anyways, because I like your cooking woman.

Girls are confusing. :(

[420MissHighTimes420]

Great idea for a thread!
And it's really annoying when you tell a guy something and they forget it.
We love being asked questions so we can tell you how we feel. Girls love talking about themselves. I hate when my boyfriend,or whatever the hell he is, just goes on and on about himself.
AND GUYS WHEN YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO CALL A GIRL CALL HER!! That one really pisses me off!
And girls always try so hard to look perfect for whoever they are with, so when you see her, even if you think she looks fugly tell her she looks 'beautiful' or 'gorgeous' even 'sexy'. Something really flattering.
ALSO WE DON'T LIKE WHEN YOU BUST IN OUR MOUTHS WITH OUT WARNING! AND THEN REFUSE TO KISS US AFTERWARDS!

[thcbongman]

If I try to get a girl number and she asks why?

Bye bye.

[slipknotpsycho]

If I try to get a girl number and she asks why?

Bye bye.

lol i dunno why but tha'ts funny to me for some reason..

[higher4hockey]

say what you mean and mean what you say.

[Samwhore]

If you buy a guy lunch, he loves you.

[thcbongman]

lol i dunno why but tha'ts funny to me for some reason..

lol.

The asking why? response tells me 2 things.

1. The girl is either not very bright, or thinks I'm a fool.

2. At that moment, she obviously doesn't respect you enough. If a girl really wants to hang-out with you, she'll make time, and go out of their way to ensure contact.

[Eazy]

lol,
when i was with my gurl layin all snuggled, she sat up and reached for a drink ahd a few sips and we carried on talkinj n whe was liek just lookin down at me n stroakin ma cheek (after sex lol) and i was like omg hun u gotta move, she was like erm okay y? cos when ur above me i dunno y makes me feel non manly

major turn off

[lagstronaut]

lol,
when i was with my gurl layin all snuggled, she sat up and reached for a drink ahd a few sips and we carried on talkinj n whe was liek just lookin down at me n stroakin ma cheek (after sex lol) and i was like omg hun u gotta move, she was like erm okay y? cos when ur above me i dunno y makes me feel non manly

major turn off

uhh?? i dunno about you but i love when a girl can show affection to me like that. she's probably pissed you just denied her that

[BabyFacedAbortion]

I don't like it when my boyfriend has more drama then I do.

I also don't like it when he compares his life to mine while I'm upset or crying. I.E "Well baby, atleast you don't_______". It's ME time right now, sorry honey.

Ya dig?

[Ganj]

ok c'mon guys, chip in here... we're trying to get a compiled list of actual 'rules' for operating us males :wtf: try to keep the comedy out of it, i want this serious.... (females could do the same if htey like)

one sex always seems to have problems understanding the other, so lets get a guide going... can be rules, input, anything... just to help the opposite understand us better.... what we need, what we want, what we mean... but like i said, keep the comedy to a minimum... (also note, it may not apply to every guy, but try to keep the postings to the general population of males..i.e. the majority share this trait)


i'll start.... deep down we do need the closeness, but nearly from birth we're conditioned to be non-feeling machines... the tact you apply needs to somehow coincide with both.... don't make it seem like we need you, rather, you need us... push for the closeness, but not to apoint of aggervation, and keep comments like "how come you never wanna be close" out, cuz i garuntee most of the time that leads to a fight, again, we were conditioned to need nothing but ourselves.... we can't actually answer that question without going against everything we know... we need you as much as you need us, we just aren't able to show it as easily. we may be the main pillar of strength in relationships, but we are still just as needy and vulnerable as you...

And the point of aggravation is right about the same time you wont shut your mouth. Women. Learn to shut up.

[Ganj]

ALSO WE DON'T LIKE WHEN YOU BUST IN OUR MOUTHS WITH OUT WARNING! AND THEN REFUSE TO KISS US AFTERWARDS!

I just pictured busting my nut in your mouth and kissing you afterwards. Why hasn't someone done a "word theory" about provocative terms in misshightimes post? Here is my hypothesis: If you say sexual things I am going to get a boner. That is good too! Sexy talk in bed! I want my girl to talk dirty to me and make me believe she really wants it and isn't just being a selfless vessel for my member. But if she wants to be, then that is OK too. Be sure to make it believable though, ladies. We all know acting is second-nature to women :thumbsup:.


We love being asked questions so we can tell you how we feel.

Of course! Ask questions! I would have never thought of that.

[slowlickitysplit]

Women, read a book on logic!
"Becasue I don't FEEL its right" is not something we can work with. It's a conversation ender.

Also.....Can we fight about one thing at a time? Maybe our minds are too small but for gods sake....lets clear up this issue before we move on to the other 55,897 other issues you feel I am wrong about. :)

- Slow -

[slipknotpsycho]

Women, read a book on logic!
"Becasue I don't FEEL its right" is not something we can work with. It's a conversation ender.

Also.....Can we fight about one thing at a time? Maybe our minds are too small but for gods sake....lets clear up this issue before we move on to the other 55,897 other issues you feel I am wrong about. :)

- Slow -

LMFAO!!!!! hey slow, i got a website you might enjoy reading... Things my girlfriend and I have argued about (http://www.mil-millington.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/things.html)

[russ-bob]

-Most men like pie...any sort but homemade is the best.

-When we go fishing or go to work on the car that usaly means dont bother me.

-A home cooked meal after a long day at work is the fastest way to a mans heart.

[yoda]

- I don't want to hear about previous boyfriends
- Don't complain about your appearance. If we despised it, we wouldn't date you.
- Don't include other guys in our inside jokes
- Don't come to us with girlish situations and expect us to give you girlish answers
- LOVE US FOR WHO WE ARE, NOT WHAT YOU THINK WE CAN BE(for a certain ex)

[rebgirl420]

Heres the most important one yet: Don't beat around the freakin' bush! Just be honest and ask her what she wants. I'm sick and tired of all these guys saying they don't know what a girl wants. ASK HER!!!! It's the only way you'll be a 100 percent sure!!!!!!

[babystarbud]

found this on the net and coudnt resist posting it, so true lol...

its a tech support advise on man problems lol

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.

Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,

XXX



Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot accept new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

[Nightcrewman]

Originally Posted by 420MissHighTimes420
ALSO WE DON'T LIKE WHEN YOU BUST IN OUR MOUTHS WITH OUT WARNING! AND THEN REFUSE TO KISS US AFTERWARDS!


I promise I wont come in your mouth must be one of the most broken promises ever !!

Cheers
NCM

[yoda]

Heres the most important one yet: Don't beat around the freakin' bush! Just be honest and ask her what she wants. I'm sick and tired of all these guys saying they don't know what a girl wants. ASK HER!!!! It's the only way you'll be a 100 percent sure!!!!!!

hey do you wanna give me a blowjob doesnt always go over well with her though ;)

[rebgirl420]

^^ It works just fine at my house haha. I mean how would I know if he doesn't ask? m in no mood for guessing games. And im the same way with him.

[TheBigOne45]

Too much work to go through all of this.

Buy her a dildo. She'll be happier.

[BUZz UK]

Of course! Ask questions! I would have never thought of that.


rofl.

3 dots for sarcasm mate...

[Psycho4Bud]

Suck us, fuck us, feed us, ignore our bodily noises, be quiet during sporting events on TV, visit with your mother at HER house. :thumbsup:

But very little of this falls into the "pooky poo" syndrom that goes with relationships.:cool:

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

[BUZz UK]

Suck us, fuck us, feed us, ignore our bodily noises, be quiet during sporting events on TV, visit with your mother at HER house.

wow, you're a deep and demanding guy P4B :D

[Psycho4Bud]

wow, you're a deep and demanding guy P4B :D

Hey, it's an honest users guide......in reality it would be a users guide for males to get bitch slapped but we can at least wish a little.....SILENTLY of course.:thumbsup:

Most any woman that would mention this to her boyfriend/husband would probably get a response of "Oh no hunny"...with a smirk on his face. :D

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

[stinkyattic]

visit with your mother at HER house.

You too, champ.
I don't need no instruction in how to feed you/ iron your drawers/ take care of your needs.... Especially not from mum.

[Psycho4Bud]

You too, champ.
I don't need no instruction in how to feed you/ iron your drawers/ take care of your needs.... Especially not from mum.

OUCH!! Slap from the right! LOL.....I know, mother-in-laws can be a pain in the ass from both sides BUT ya know, ma is a hell of a cook..........

Psycho ducks and covers from the slap coming from the left side. LOL

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

[Ganj]

Someone should make a thread to observe the knowledge we have acquired of the opposite sex. That ought to be very insightful...

[stinkyattic]

mother-in-laws can be a pain in the ass from both sides :

:eek: don't tell me you have ever participated in a mother-in-law sex sandwich....

[Psycho4Bud]

:eek: don't tell me you have ever participated in a mother-in-law sex sandwich....

LOL..not a mother in law thing but there was this mother/daughter deal one night.........kind of freaky to say the least. Ended up dating the mother for a while after that but.....

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

[stinkyattic]

lol Who would have thunkit... midwesterners DO have some serious freak in them.... hahaha

[Psycho4Bud]

lol Who would have thunkit... midwesterners DO have some serious freak in them.... hahaha

It gets damn cold up here. Trying to stay warm with some whiskey and good times makes for some situations from time to time. LOL

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

[BUZz UK]

Someone should make a thread to observe the knowledge we have acquired of the opposite sex. That ought to be very insightful...

see my thread...

[TallulahGreen]

You guys make me feel really lucky I have the boyfriend I do.

He puts up with so much shit. Anytime of the day I have any sort of problem I call him immediatly to tell him...

I am always inviting my mother over and hes always coming over to my families house..

I rarely ever cook anything...

I haven't had any money for a week and a half and have been taken care of just fiiinne.

I will say one thing though...



PLEASE GUYS JUST PUT THE GODDAMNED TOILET SEAT DOWN!!!!!! If there is one thing my boyfriend does that annoys the shit out of me is that he never puts the toilet seat down.

I am thinking of putting a GODDAMNED SIGN ON THE WALL BEHIND THE TOILET!!

[Psycho4Bud]

You guys make me feel really lucky I have the boyfriend I do.

He puts up with so much shit. Anytime of the day I have any sort of problem I call him immediatly to tell him...

I am always inviting my mother over and hes always coming over to my families house..

I rarely ever cook anything...

I haven't had any money for a week and a half and have been taken care of just fiiinne.

I will say one thing though...



PLEASE GUYS JUST PUT THE GODDAMNED TOILET SEAT DOWN!!!!!! If there is one thing my boyfriend does that annoys the shit out of me is that he never puts the toilet seat down.

I am thinking of putting a GODDAMNED SIGN ON THE WALL BEHIND THE TOILET!!

That was just a users guide.....in "real life" it's a much different situation or you grow old with hairy knuckles. LOL As for the mother thing....it's my ladies choice as of now to keep her family distanced from me. Her ma is 46 and I'm 45 so she's just a bit leary of how her parents are going to react to me. I told her we could all just sit down, fire up a J, and discuss matters but she doesn't think her folks are quite up for that for some odd reason. LOL

As for the toilet seat.......even though I live alone I have learned from past marriages; When the ladies stop in they want a clean bathroom with the seat in the down position! It's just natural habit now to do it.

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

[higher4hockey]

putting the toilet seat down is going to be the cause of my future divorce, i can see it now. i never put the toilet seat down. and im one stubborn mother-fucker. why on gods green earth should a guy have to put the toliet seat down? why cant the girl just look at the damn thing before plopping her ass down on it??

maybe i'll just have a urinal put in when i get married....thta way on my 50th wedding anniversary i can give a toast and say thta the urinal saved my marriage.

[stinkyattic]

maybe i'll just have a urinal put in when i get married....thta way on my 50th wedding anniversary i can give a toast and say thta the urinal saved my marriage.
Now THAT is wisdom.
With my ex, I just used the guest bathroom down the hall. No need to argue over toilet seats being up.
Ironically, this particular ex was the biggest neat freak I have ever dated, to the point of having his laundry machines installed IN his walk-in closet so he used the washer as a hamper and turned it on when it was full...
Why couldn't the messier of my mans have had guest bathrooms? Hmmmmm.... I guess I will never know....

[LuckyG]

PLEASE GUYS JUST PUT THE GODDAMNED TOILET SEAT DOWN!!!!!! If there is one thing my boyfriend does that annoys the shit out of me is that he never puts the toilet seat down.

I am thinking of putting a GODDAMNED SIGN ON THE WALL BEHIND THE TOILET!!

Here's my sign (http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs14/f/2007/108/d/6/Flush_It_Down_by_gowsk.jpg). Ladies, be considerate.

Dave Chapelle summarized the male mind nicely in one of his standup routines.

"A man only wants four things: suck my dick, play with my balls, make me a sandwich and don't talk so damn much."

I'm a little more complicated than that, but I think pretty much everything has already been said. Most importantly, be into a dude and make damn sure he knows it - that's what turns me on more than anything else. Oh, and be honest.

[Blondasian]

Ok so what exactly do you do when Boyfriend 5.0 is emulating Husband 1.0 and wants to get married??

Humm.. He walks in the door removes all his clothes and hops on the couch, snuggling closely with remote and laptop.. Insisting he loves my cooking.. Please cook sweety..

Well Girlfriend 8.0 is feeling way too domestic at the moment. Damn my plants need to flower already!!

[slipknotpsycho]

hmm.... i just remembered something else...

women always seem to want us involved and liking what htey like, yet when it comes to us.. .well.. "sports are stupid" (personally i share that opinion :p i don't like 'em) or "why do you waste all your time on that game?" :wtf:

let's see, cuz i have no desire to stare at you or the wall all day doing nothing and i'm bored... lol

we want you involved in what we like as well, since we have to pretend to be what you're into, you could atleast extend that curtousey to us as well...

[halfassedjediknight]

"..insert guinness, steak, 2 joints, and an xbox to properly operate this male.."

[TallulahGreen]

putting the toilet seat down is going to be the cause of my future divorce, i can see it now. i never put the toilet seat down. and im one stubborn mother-fucker. why on gods green earth should a guy have to put the toliet seat down? why cant the girl just look at the damn thing before plopping her ass down on it??

maybe i'll just have a urinal put in when i get married....thta way on my 50th wedding anniversary i can give a toast and say thta the urinal saved my marriage.

For me it's mostly because I don't want the dog to drink out of the toilet.

Do you know how not fun it is to have a dog with a wet face come rub it all over you and know that it's toilet water?

Especially when you KNOW that your boyfriend flushes the toilet while he is still peeing....so I know for a fact there is still piss residue in the toilet.

I don't even get mad anymore..I just politely put the toilet seat back down...

..in a very OBVIOUS manner.:hippy::hippy::hippy:

[halfassedjediknight]

For me it's mostly because I don't want the dog to drink out of the toilet.

Do you know how not fun it is to have a dog with a wet face come rub it all over you and know that it's toilet water?

Especially when you KNOW that your boyfriend flushes the toilet while he is still peeing....so I know for a fact there is still piss residue in the toilet.

I don't even get mad anymore..I just politely put the toilet seat back down...

..in a very OBVIOUS manner.:hippy::hippy::hippy:

why does he flush as hes peeing? thats kinda weird. does he not pee everywhere?

[slipknotpsycho]

.... i know plenty of people who flush while still pissing... i don't understand it personally..


however, i can use no hands and and piss and not miss one drop...

lol, get me drunk tho (like really drunk, not just buzzed or intoxicated) and i could be pissing on hte all for 10 seconds before i even notice (and it's happened)

[TallulahGreen]

.

lol, get me drunk tho (like really drunk, not just buzzed or intoxicated) and i could be pissing on hte all for 10 seconds before i even notice (and it's happened)

........and thus the reason why there are so many handprints on the wall behind the toilet.

[Psycho4Bud]

........and thus the reason why there are so many handprints on the wall behind the toilet.

LOL....if we didn't do that there'd be piss all over the place! Glad I'm past them days. It's hell when ya look down and the toilet is moving on ya.

Have a good one!:jointsmile:

[stinkyattic]

It's hell when ya look down and the toilet is moving on ya.:

Hm... that was the toilet at my old apartment... it moved when I was drunk... and it still moved in the morning. That's what you get for your $700 a month in a college town! Plumbing with a life of its own... :wtf:

[Fengzi]

hey do you wanna give me a blowjob doesnt always go over well with her though ;)


^^ It works just fine at my house haha. I mean how would I know if he doesn't ask? m in no mood for guessing games. And im the same way with him.

How would you know if he wants a blow job? Simple. He does. Always. It's like asking someone if they want oxygen.

Just don't assume the same thing about a strap-on in the ass though. :D

[Trip06]

Im a simple guy so I hate head games and gave up understanding them.
I also love affectinate girls and skip the bitches. One thing I cant stand bitching.

[slowlickitysplit]

You guys make me feel really lucky I have the boyfriend I do.

He puts up with so much shit. Anytime of the day I have any sort of problem I call him immediatly to tell him...

I am always inviting my mother over and hes always coming over to my families house..

I rarely ever cook anything...

I haven't had any money for a week and a half and have been taken care of just fiiinne.

I will say one thing though...



PLEASE GUYS JUST PUT THE GODDAMNED TOILET SEAT DOWN!!!!!! If there is one thing my boyfriend does that annoys the shit out of me is that he never puts the toilet seat down.

I am thinking of putting a GODDAMNED SIGN ON THE WALL BEHIND THE TOILET!!


OMG! LMFAO!
When I was potty training my kids I could never get my ex-wife to put down the lid so my little guys and I made up a smiley face for on top of the lid and a frowny face for the underside! Needles to say she didn't appriciate it and, though I trained my little men well, the ex-wife still isn't house broken!

- Slow -

[420MissHighTimes420]

I just pictured busting my nut in your mouth and kissing you afterwards. Why hasn't someone done a "word theory" about provocative terms in misshightimes post? Here is my hypothesis: If you say sexual things I am going to get a boner. That is good too! Sexy talk in bed! I want my girl to talk dirty to me and make me believe she really wants it and isn't just being a selfless vessel for my member. But if she wants to be, then that is OK too. Be sure to make it believable though, ladies. We all know acting is second-nature to women :thumbsup:.



Of course! Ask questions! I would have never thought of that.


You should call me and ask me questions and in return I'll talk dirty ;) haha