Heavy topic: I need relationship advice.

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Whats up all,

Ok, where to start...well, here we go. I am 27yrs old, and engaged to a 23yr old woman. I met her 4yrs ago and we fell in love instantly, but I was having legal troubles at the time and had to vollanteer to the military. While I was serving in the military we kept intouch until her grandmother died and she had to go to Las Vegas for the funeral. She got lost in the Vegas drug scene and I didnt hear from her again.

Well, five months ago, a couple days after christmas I recieved an unexpected phone call...It was her! She said she was expedited here from vegas six months before on fraud charges, and she was back and wanted to see me. I went to her without question! When we met again, we pretty much picked up where we left off.

She explained that she has a little daughter now who is two years old, but she is not with the dad, also, her baby is in Vegas with her crackhead mom and dad. We began to become very serious again, and I asked her to marry me...she said yes. That about brings us up to speed, now for the advice part.

We have been living together since we got back together, but now I am doubting my love for her. Lately I have been very distant to her, and I feel kind of numb. I am also doubting her love for me, for I dont know if I can trust her now, and I kind of have a bad feeling, like she may only be here because of lack of options-and she might only want a plane ticket to get her daughter. I am kind of scared(I am man enough to admit it...) I dont know what to do and I have no one to turn to. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation, or similar?

Any advice? I know this is heavy shit for this time of night, but I am kind of desperate...any help would be great. Thanks alot.

-Pockets

[Weedhound]

One of those ones that is simple but not easy. At one point exactly did you start doubting her? There must have been something that tipped you off and proceeded to start the slide.

Easy: Go to some pre-marital counseling. With a GOOD counselor you will be able to work through the maze. It works....I've been there and it made my entire marraige a completely different relationship than I have ever had. I'm positive the credit for that goes to counseling.

Harder: Sit down and talk to her straight up about it. I'm sensing this is tougher for you for several reasons. You don't tell her about your fears and doubts...you tell us. Because you don't trust her would be my guess; you don't believe what she tells you etc etc.

Ask yourself HONESTLY what you are getting out of this relationship.....your intentions will mark the correct road. Is it for you or her? And which part of of it is for who?

Ps...Have you met and what do you think of this child who will soon become part of your future??

[pocketsrstillEmT]

whats up man, your still awake huh? Well, Im glad, you spit some good words my friend...

1:Your right. I started doubting her actually a couple weeks ago because she started being real secretive while on the phone with her parents. Could be nothing, and I respect her privacy, but...well, while I was in the military (now this is hearsay from friends) I heard that she was using guys left and right. So I call her from boot camp(I had sunday liberty and suprised her) and She was crying. I asked her why, and I heard a guy in the background saying, "If you dont tell him I will-tell him you are with me". Needless to say, I flipped. But she told me she needed him for the money to get a ticket to Vegas for the funeral. See my doubts?

2: HONESTLY, I dont know what my intentions are anymore...I feel kind of mixed up, you know?

3: No I have not yet met her daughter. I have talked to her on the phone, though-I think she would be an absolute delight!

Man, I dont know, thanks for trying to help me, though, WH...this little chat is actually helping me a great deal, believe it or not; Its making me feel better-I dont know why I cannot talk to her about this...

-Pockets

[Weedhound]

Absolutely no fair to the child to be a sideshow in this. Are you ready to take on a child.....forever? I'm not trying to scare you; that is a big jump and you should absolutely meet the family before you make any decisions. Sure she's cute....but how about when she's sick, tired, whiny etc.... For better or worse. In laws can have a way of invading your life and crack-heads ones....nuff said there I think.

Answer this question as fast and HONESTLY as you can: When she called me I went to her without question because:

she needed me
l love her
i'm lonely

The answer may be all three though probably not. Whats the first one you chose? There is the core of your intentions. Honestly is the key here.

And to be honest myself.....I have a feeling you already know what the answer is here. See what I mean about simple but not easy?

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Ouch...

Honestly...completly honest is I was lonely, and I did love her, so I thought "why not"?

I am ready for a family, absolutly-but, and I have thought about this very much, I am not sure about the child because she is not mine. I mean, I know I want a family, this is HER family, you get what I mean?

And yes, I agree it is not fair to the child. The situation this child is in now is heart breaking, though. She is living in squaller with a bad environment, and you are most deff. right about crackhead in-laws...they are already a BIG pain in the ass with the fighting and drunken idiotness, and what not. Just because they are half way across the country does not mean they dont agrivate the hell out of me.

This is horrible. I know deep down I love her, I DONT know if love is enough.

[Weedhound]

Then you are already on the right road. You seem to be pretty honest with yourself to me......that ability will take you through anything and everything. To me....it is the key to happiness and I'm not bs-ing. Of course some of your answers will make you unhappy while the thought of doing the easier thing is a hell of alot more inviting. Simple... yadda yadda yadda.

Sit down and talk to her. What are hers and your plans for the future? Are they the same? How about your jobs? How about raising the little one...you guys on the same page there? You can discuss some of these things and take your cues from her answers without making it a mano-a-mano hash-it- out thing. (tell me the truth now...do you love me??) when you're not even sure you would believe her answers anyway.

And.....one more you already know.....do NOT marry her until you trust her. And that part just plain takes as long as it takes.

Take care,

let me know.

[LOC NAR on probation]

Listen to Weedhound, This is some very very good advice. You have to trust her or it will never work. Weed, you could be a counselor. I might need some help too.
The child may not be yours but that doesn't mean you can not raise her like your own. The child is the victum here BUT you have to be sure about your girlfriend. The military is an awsome responsibilty in itself ( God bless you and keep you safe). I'm an old military brat. You can offer her many things an average Joe can not. I hope she is not just using you. You must be sure and make sure this doesn't effect your job.

30 years with my highshcool girlfriend and since I got popped for growing last year. She doesn't trust me and things have not been the same. I have never been in trouble before. Reading this, I think we wil go to counseling for sure.

Peace and God be with you. I hope you make the right choice.

[napolitana869]

I think it sounds like you know the right thing to do, but you're too afraid to do it. Maybe you're too ready for a family and are jumping at this chance to have one, even if you know it might not be the best thing for you. From what you've said it doesnt seem like this woman is very trustworthy. Be careful, and good luck making the choice that is best for you, what ever that may be.

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Thank you all for the advice, you are all very helpful.

Weedhound, you know...I think you could be a counsilor! I thank you. Your advice has been most helpful, my friend. I will have to marinate all this and get back to you.

Thanks to all,
-Pockets

[Fengzi]

It sounds like your confused by what you think you should do and what your heart really tells you to do. There's a huge difference but sometimes you can't see it until it's too late.

When I was 18 I met a girl who's best friend was dating one of my best friends. We hung out a lot and eventually ended up together. Her family was moving out of town, she didn't really want to go, and we ended up getting an apartment. After a year or so it just seemed like we should get married, everyone kept asking when, etc, etc. So we got married. Within 2-3 years we were living more like roomates than a couple. Granted, we were both working and going to school full time so that meant little time for anything else. But even when we'd both have free time, at the same time, we usually ended up doing seperate things. About 3.5 years after we were married she moved out, a year later we were divorced.

A year or so after my divorce I met an incredible woman who I instantly had an incredible attraction to. It was literally love at first site. Apparently she felt the same and from the first date we were inseperable. Withing a month of first meeting her I knew without a doubt that she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and proposed. It wasn't because we thought that was what we should do, or because anyone else thought we were "such a good couple" it was because we absolutely knew in our hearts that we were meant for each other. We now have a beautiful 3yo little girl and tomorrow, yes literally tomorrow, we celebrate our 10th anniversary.

My advice is this, if you are having doubts, she's not for you. Before you marry someone you should have that incredible feeling in your heart that tells she she is the one. If you don't have that feeling, she isn't.

[Weedhound]

My hubby and I went on two dates then he moved in. (We had known each other two weeks at the time) Within two months we were engaged. Married at the nine month anniversary. If anyone else I knew ever did that I'd tell them I couldn't believe how stupid they are. This year is our fourteenth and I wouldn't change a single thing. Keep in mind I was in my 30's at the time and this was my first (and only) marriage.

Pre-marital counseling was the answer for me. It set the tone for our future relationship....I know that I for one would never have been able to negotiate a marraige without it. I discovered that not only was I going about things completely wrong but that I also wasn't being realisitic about my future.

Pockets I don't have any fears for you regarding whether or not the child is yours.....your heart is plenty big and that part will not matter. What will matter.....later.....is when you discover that loving someone and saving them are not the same thing.

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Man, that last comment is really getting to me-making me think. Weedhound, you said that loving someone and saving them are not the same thing...this kind of made my heart drop-and I dont know why.

The problem is, I DID feel that way when we met...DEEPLY in love. I had NO doubts that she was the one for me. These feelings sort of...disappeared recently. Maybe it is me that is having the problems and not us. Selfish maybe? I dont know-marital counsiling is sounding promising...

-Pockets

[slowlickitysplit]

Dude,
Everyone here is being so kind to you and trying to help you reason it out and I can sympathize as I always seem to fall for the girls who need "fixing", or help but....
You heard a guy in the backround when calling from boot camp!
She had a baby with another guy!
Her folks are crackheads!

RUN LIKE A RABBIT!!!!!

I don't mean to be harsh but this chick is a disaster waiting to happen.
For guys like us who like the fixer-upper-chicks, it is imoportant not to get into something over our heads. She sounds like she's about to fall down on your head at any moment and that's no way to live.

Just my 2cents.

- Slow -

[birdgirl73]

I gotta be honest here. ^^^ What Slow said above? ^^^ That's precisely what I've been wanting to write all day, too, except the comments from others were so full of advice and acceptance for the most part.

Seriously, listen to what he pointed out. She's got a history with major drugs, fraud and legal troubles. Her parents are crack-heads. She's got a kid by someone else. Admittedly it's heartbreaking that an innocent child is a pawn in this sad game that is her life. But I think that woman has shown back up in your life all of a sudden because she needs you for business reasons and little else. Your instincts are trying to guide you out of this situation, I think. Instincts are good things to listen to. Especially when you've got a stable life and a solid future to look forward to otherwise. I fear this is a person who could threaten all that for you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what I'm thinking.

[Weedhound]

That heart dropping is the sound of honesty knocking. Very scary and very liberating at the same time isn't it?

I don't doubt that you loved her once....perhaps still do. But relationships change as do people. You are not the same person. Neither is she. Unless work is put into it relationships do not grow. Instead they pop out in all directions due to the silence and denial.

Very first......what is it that YOU want....really. Not how happy you would be if everyone else is happy. There is a big difference.

You have TWO relationships to think about here .....not too mention all underground dwellers that will pop up later in the form of in-laws.

[Weedhound]

Last preach for the evening....i swear.

First I have never in my life seen somebody leave a relationship because someone else told them to. I'm sure it happens but I have never seen it myself.

Second....Once you decide what you really want......what would REALLY make you happy....then use that razor-sharp new found weapon honesty to help you decide how realistic that is in your present situation.

Third.....It takes two people to make a relationship. It doesn't matter how much you want to make things ok......a full 50% is on her.

I am now done. Sorry for the long-windedness

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Slow: Bluntness is sometimes more effective than niceties...Everyone else is basically telling me the same thing...just in a very vague way. I think, anyway. I also thing that in being vague, they are trying to get me to realize myself what I already know...this is one situation that is very hard for me though, hurting her would litterally crush me-even if it is for the best.

Birdy: Damn, I have never lined things out like that: drugs, legal troubles, her parents, another mans child...yikes. Kinda feels like a slap in the face; no offense, and thank you.

WeedHound: What do you mean by keep going? I am not quite sure I follow. And btw, thank you for sticking by me in this...I bet you are a great friend to someone, and a great wife. I am correct in thinking you are female, right? I hope-you said "hubby" so I assumed. If I am misled-I deeply apologize!:thumbsup:

[Weedhound]

Pockets I am a girl.....and old hippy chick. :) I have a very good friend on these forums who thought I was guy for quite a while and seemed rather shocked to find out otherwise so I try to put it out there. It seems to be a common thought and I don't care about it but sometimes others do. ;)

[tootsie roll]

Whats up all,

Ok, where to start...well, here we go. I am 27yrs old, and engaged to a 23yr old woman. I met her 4yrs ago and we fell in love instantly, but I was having legal troubles at the time and had to vollanteer to the military. While I was serving in the military we kept intouch until her grandmother died and she had to go to Las Vegas for the funeral. She got lost in the Vegas drug scene and I didnt hear from her again.

Well, five months ago, a couple days after christmas I recieved an unexpected phone call...It was her! She said she was expedited here from vegas six months before on fraud charges, and she was back and wanted to see me. I went to her without question! When we met again, we pretty much picked up where we left off.

She explained that she has a little daughter now who is two years old, but she is not with the dad, also, her baby is in Vegas with her crackhead mom and dad. We began to become very serious again, and I asked her to marry me...she said yes. That about brings us up to speed, now for the advice part.

We have been living together since we got back together, but now I am doubting my love for her. Lately I have been very distant to her, and I feel kind of numb. I am also doubting her love for me, for I dont know if I can trust her now, and I kind of have a bad feeling, like she may only be here because of lack of options-and she might only want a plane ticket to get her daughter. I am kind of scared(I am man enough to admit it...) I dont know what to do and I have no one to turn to. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation, or similar?

Any advice? I know this is heavy shit for this time of night, but I am kind of desperate...any help would be great. Thanks alot.

-Pockets

I'm pretty straight forward darlin and my advice is this
RUN LIKE THE WIND!
KEEP RUNNING!
This woman is a mess and trouble in the making.
Stop thinking with lust and start thinking of what will be 5 years from now.
I can almost bet you, you won't be a happy man.

Stop it now while you still have a chance.

Just what all decent guys need-------crackhead inlaws. Betcha they always ask for money. phone bill...electric...they need food, cigs. All of it going to crack.

Fun sounding life so far?

dude, seriously----run like hell!!

[tootsie roll]

Ps, birdgirl is right. She needs you for business reasons. Specifically financial reasons.
She's broke and has a kid that some guy isn't paying support for.
She figures you'll take her back with open arms.
You are a saftey net, not an object of pure love and devotion.
She will drag you in to some ugly shit that believe me, you don't want or need.
She will age you and break your account. You will be left high and dry.
She is looking for a sympathy guy and you are it.
RUN!
oh yeah DON'T LOOK BACK...JUST RUN!

[pocketsrstillEmT]

LOL!

Well, regardless of gender, we are well met. I am glad I met you on this forum, your advice, and words, are golden in my book. I really appreciate it.

Thank you all for your kind words...and blunt knives(lol)...for it is all very helpful.

Do you think I should bring this up to her, or should I figure out what I want first,, and then find a way to talk to her about it? You are all right; Trust is broken in a few peices, and my worst fear is that I am all business to her...that she is using me, that is...and I dont think anyone should think like that about their special someone-nor should they have to. Am I right?

What warning signs should I be aware of...since I am kind of blind when it comes to her?

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Tootsie: I just read what you said. I started laughing only because her parents are already asking for shit-including a place to stay when they return from Vegas with her daughter, "just until they get on their feet"...riiiigggghhhht.

[Weedhound]

Oh all right you twisted my arm. :D My opinion is to talk to her as I said before about your plans. If you listen with new ears you may hear some surprising things and they may be good or they may be bad. She may indeed be a bad seed but who knows? You admit you are not studying this objectively. How can you? You are right in the middle of. I am a firm believer that people can change and improve their lives.

BUT .....golden rule here......NOBODY changes unless first they REALLY want to. Does she? Is she willing to work at it? How hard? Does that fit with what YOU want?

I will be back with soil questions later but will wait a few if you want to flip me off quickly or something.....then going to count seeds. ;)

[pocketsrstillEmT]

LMAO!! No, I wont be flipping you off. LOL!

Bring the questions, lets see if we cant bring up a tree here. Also, did you post that thread? I want to find some better pictures, when I do, I will save them and upload one or two for you in a post, I know there are some very beautiful flowering pics that I took at night-at night the pistils really show, and the flowers/buds are just amazing.

Look, I really want to thank you for your kind words and sound advice...I know I told you that already, but it means alot to me-I have no one else. Nuff' said-bring the seeds!

-Pockets:D :thumbsup:

[tootsie roll]

Tootsie: I just read what you said. I started laughing only because her parents are already asking for shit-including a place to stay when they return from Vegas with her daughter, "just until they get on their feet"...riiiigggghhhht.


I'm tellin ya-----------------RUN DON'T LOOK BACK.
LEAVE NO FORWARDING ADRESS.

I can
t be much clearer. This is BAD NEW ALL THE WAY AROUND.
Look, it's your life and if you believe there are no decent women just waiting for you, you are dead wrong.
This ex of yours should stay that way. EX. You don't need this.
Hell, c'mon here so I can slap some smart into ya fer chrissake boy!

You just have no idea the mess and heartbreak just down the road.
Find a nice girl that will love you not the temporary stability this other gal wants. For the moment. She'll screw you and her parents will break you.
mark my words. you stay, you are doomed.:(

[Weedhound]

Let me know.....good luck

[tootsie roll]

Tootsie: I just read what you said. I started laughing only because her parents are already asking for shit-including a place to stay when they return from Vegas with her daughter, "just until they get on their feet"...riiiigggghhhht.


THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE
YOUR HOME WILL BE A FILTHY CRACK DEN.:(

[tootsie roll]

Good luck man. I sure hope you do the right thing.
I can tell you this. I am sure as HELL glad this isn't in my life.

I'd be packed, phone shut off and gone like the wind. No address forwarded.

Look, you loved her once. It was good then.
You parted ways, it's been a good while and should stay that way. An EX love.
She comes back to you with a bunch of baggage?
And crackhead parents?
lol, no thank you. ever.:jawdropper: :giveflower:



:s4:

[Weedhound]

Roll......I wish you would be more clear about what you are thinking here....i can't quite get what you are trying to say. ;) :D

Pockets.....new day.....new round if you still want to go a few. i did have more questions for you if you still want to talk about things. :)

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Weedhound...speak now or forever hold your peice! Lil bit of not funny humor...irony,, ok not funny-got it.

Whats up??

[Weedhound]

Dude I have q's for you if you still want to talk...but maybe not on public forum. Or you can tell me to shut up. Do you have an e-mail or something?

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Yes I do, through my college. BUT...I need you to pm me so I can give it up. It involves my full name, and it dont need to be out front and center...ya know?

pm me and I will ship it back that way.:thumbsup:

[Weedhound]

I certainly do which is why I didn't pop mine on there. I'll see if I can rep you. Naah, too soon. You can't rep people till you have 50 posts. I will figure this out. ;)

[rebgirl420]

sweet jesus, run away! If you doubt at ALL about the person your going to marry thats a good sign that you should book it right now

[Weedhound]

I'm sensing a trend here.....Rebgirl is there a difference between pm and rep and how do i do it?

[rebgirl420]

you mean like how do you give rep?

[Weedhound]

No I know how to give rep.....once a month but I just repped this guy. Want to give e-mail address w/out posting for people like Zim to see.

[Weedhound]

He doesn't have enough posts to rep yet....

[rebgirl420]

hmm IM him on aim or yahoo, i dont think you can do it here...I mean the mods can i believe but i could be wrong

[Weedhound]

I think you're right cause I sure can't find the button. Thanks Rebgirl.....like the hedgehogs.

Pockets cruise around and get 50 posts....talk alot. Then rep me w/your e-mail.

[Matt the Funk]

I don't think we can PM, I send "PMs" through positive rep ussually. Anyways, you gotta just "man up" and leave/ignore her. She WILL just bring you down. You sound like you deserve better man. I mean sure it sucks for her and you might feel bad about it, but her drive doesn't concern you. Oh and I gave him rep too but he didn't get bumped up a square which is weird...anyways good luck.

[Weedhound]

Matt, you're sweet. Thanks for confirming that. Pockets that is about the 901,112th person to say that. Perhaps you agree with this? If you want to take off from the relationship let me say I will hold the door for you. Your call. :)

[pocketsrstillEmT]

I do believe that when enough people smack at you, eventually one will finally land...Yeah, I get the point. Doesnt mean its not hard though.

Well, looks like I need to burn up some posts, huh? Well, keep chattin here and I will make 50 in no time. This sucks, too...when I left the site 2yrs ago I had 500+ posts. But, back then they didnt have "rep", and you COULD IM PEOPLE!! lmao!

[xcrispi]

Check your feedback n get w/ my sis . W/H
Peace
Crispi :jointsmile:

[Weedhound]

X-C's my man :thumbsup:

[pocketsrstillEmT]

NICE!! Ok I will shoot you an email asap...I have to go plant some seeds right quick, though...for my veg garden, not bud...so I will get on it a lil later, K??

All of you are awsome...If you want to keep posting, I will look forward to the advice, thanks:D :thumbsup:
-Pockets

[Weedhound]

not bud? whats the point then? :D

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Man, I was just now able to get online. She has been hovering around me all day long...maybe she has lost some trust too. How is everyone tonight?

[Weedhound]

Or maybe she smells that the tide is beginning to turn......(deep laugh) ......

[pocketsrstillEmT]

LMFAO!!!

Weedhound...do I detect a little evil?!

Btw, have you begun your outdoor grow yet? If you dont mind my asking, where are you from? I dont need specifics, just state or something so I can get an Idea what kind of environment your dealing with. Im in Mich, and I know that if I want my plants to reach peak performance, I need to start them in march...this all depends on your seasons though...just one more thing to woorry about in nature! hehe.

[Weedhound]

No and today was 90 goddamn degrees outside so now I'm giving it the evil eye.....ninety degrees in May means another 113 in july....I'm really so up in the air about it.......

We live in Nor Cal in mountain foothills about 2500 ft up.

[Weedhound]

I wanted to plant earlier but then it snowed about 3 weeks ago....several days of cold rain before this heat spell.....I hate nature and the outdoors and all that shit. ;)

[Weedhound]

Dude we should do this on your other thread or on my thread and leave this one for folks who want to talk to you about the relationship thing.....not cool to hijack your thread with growing talk

[pocketsrstillEmT]

LOL! The outdoors is my speciality. I love nature...thats why I picked the feilds of study that I picked. I would like nothing more than to become a ranger in a state forest, or some shit like that. Hell, the way the economy is right now, I would settle for a position at sea world!

[Weedhound]

hey can you keep a porpoise in your bathtub?

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Dude we should do this on your other thread or on my thread and leave this one for folks who want to talk to you about the relationship thing.....not cool to hijack your thread with growing talk

good idea...I guess I did hijack my own thread, huh. Well, check it out, I am getting harassed about being online all day...sooo, I am gonna retire for the night. Tomorrow when I get up, I will shoot ya an email with my addy enclosed. Then, I will start another thread in cultivation and we shall pick up there. Sound good?

[Weedhound]

We're animal folks ourselves....love the creatures. Also much easier to read than plants are imo. If it don't bark or whinny or something....I don't understand it. That's why hydro works for me i think

[Weedhound]

Yes....don't feel like you have to write....only if you want to....but do have q's about outdoor growing regardless. Later porpoise dude....

[pocketsrstillEmT]

hey can you keep a porpoise in your bathtub?

WTF?!? LMAO...probably not, for it would have to be a pretty fu*king big tub!!! LOL...you got me on that one, I have tears in my damn eyes!

hhmmmmm...maybe a pool? With no chlorine. Yeah that would work. You provide pool, I will catch the porpous, K?

[Weedhound]

:).