Heavy topic: I need relationship advice.

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Whats up all,

Ok, where to start...well, here we go. I am 27yrs old, and engaged to a 23yr old woman. I met her 4yrs ago and we fell in love instantly, but I was having legal troubles at the time and had to vollanteer to the military. While I was serving in the military we kept intouch until her grandmother died and she had to go to Las Vegas for the funeral. She got lost in the Vegas drug scene and I didnt hear from her again.

Well, five months ago, a couple days after christmas I recieved an unexpected phone call...It was her! She said she was expedited here from vegas six months before on fraud charges, and she was back and wanted to see me. I went to her without question! When we met again, we pretty much picked up where we left off.

She explained that she has a little daughter now who is two years old, but she is not with the dad, also, her baby is in Vegas with her crackhead mom and dad. We began to become very serious again, and I asked her to marry me...she said yes. That about brings us up to speed, now for the advice part.

We have been living together since we got back together, but now I am doubting my love for her. Lately I have been very distant to her, and I feel kind of numb. I am also doubting her love for me, for I dont know if I can trust her now, and I kind of have a bad feeling, like she may only be here because of lack of options-and she might only want a plane ticket to get her daughter. I am kind of scared(I am man enough to admit it...) I dont know what to do and I have no one to turn to. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation, or similar?

Any advice? I know this is heavy shit for this time of night, but I am kind of desperate...any help would be great. Thanks alot.

-Pockets

pocketsrstillEmT Reviewed by pocketsrstillEmT on 05-08-2007. Heavy topic: I need relationship advice. Whats up all, Ok, where to start...well, here we go. I am 27yrs old, and engaged to a 23yr old woman. I met her 4yrs ago and we fell in love instantly, but I was having legal troubles at the time and had to vollanteer to the military. While I was serving in the military we kept intouch until her grandmother died and she had to go to Las Vegas for the funeral. She got lost in the Vegas drug scene and I didnt hear from her again. Well, five months ago, a couple days after christmas I Rating: 5

[Weedhound]

One of those ones that is simple but not easy. At one point exactly did you start doubting her? There must have been something that tipped you off and proceeded to start the slide.

Easy: Go to some pre-marital counseling. With a GOOD counselor you will be able to work through the maze. It works....I've been there and it made my entire marraige a completely different relationship than I have ever had. I'm positive the credit for that goes to counseling.

Harder: Sit down and talk to her straight up about it. I'm sensing this is tougher for you for several reasons. You don't tell her about your fears and doubts...you tell us. Because you don't trust her would be my guess; you don't believe what she tells you etc etc.

Ask yourself HONESTLY what you are getting out of this relationship.....your intentions will mark the correct road. Is it for you or her? And which part of of it is for who?

Ps...Have you met and what do you think of this child who will soon become part of your future??

[pocketsrstillEmT]

whats up man, your still awake huh? Well, Im glad, you spit some good words my friend...

1:Your right. I started doubting her actually a couple weeks ago because she started being real secretive while on the phone with her parents. Could be nothing, and I respect her privacy, but...well, while I was in the military (now this is hearsay from friends) I heard that she was using guys left and right. So I call her from boot camp(I had sunday liberty and suprised her) and She was crying. I asked her why, and I heard a guy in the background saying, "If you dont tell him I will-tell him you are with me". Needless to say, I flipped. But she told me she needed him for the money to get a ticket to Vegas for the funeral. See my doubts?

2: HONESTLY, I dont know what my intentions are anymore...I feel kind of mixed up, you know?

3: No I have not yet met her daughter. I have talked to her on the phone, though-I think she would be an absolute delight!

Man, I dont know, thanks for trying to help me, though, WH...this little chat is actually helping me a great deal, believe it or not; Its making me feel better-I dont know why I cannot talk to her about this...

-Pockets

[Weedhound]

Absolutely no fair to the child to be a sideshow in this. Are you ready to take on a child.....forever? I'm not trying to scare you; that is a big jump and you should absolutely meet the family before you make any decisions. Sure she's cute....but how about when she's sick, tired, whiny etc.... For better or worse. In laws can have a way of invading your life and crack-heads ones....nuff said there I think.

Answer this question as fast and HONESTLY as you can: When she called me I went to her without question because:

she needed me
l love her
i'm lonely

The answer may be all three though probably not. Whats the first one you chose? There is the core of your intentions. Honestly is the key here.

And to be honest myself.....I have a feeling you already know what the answer is here. See what I mean about simple but not easy?

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Ouch...

Honestly...completly honest is I was lonely, and I did love her, so I thought "why not"?

I am ready for a family, absolutly-but, and I have thought about this very much, I am not sure about the child because she is not mine. I mean, I know I want a family, this is HER family, you get what I mean?

And yes, I agree it is not fair to the child. The situation this child is in now is heart breaking, though. She is living in squaller with a bad environment, and you are most deff. right about crackhead in-laws...they are already a BIG pain in the ass with the fighting and drunken idiotness, and what not. Just because they are half way across the country does not mean they dont agrivate the hell out of me.

This is horrible. I know deep down I love her, I DONT know if love is enough.

[Weedhound]

Then you are already on the right road. You seem to be pretty honest with yourself to me......that ability will take you through anything and everything. To me....it is the key to happiness and I'm not bs-ing. Of course some of your answers will make you unhappy while the thought of doing the easier thing is a hell of alot more inviting. Simple... yadda yadda yadda.

Sit down and talk to her. What are hers and your plans for the future? Are they the same? How about your jobs? How about raising the little one...you guys on the same page there? You can discuss some of these things and take your cues from her answers without making it a mano-a-mano hash-it- out thing. (tell me the truth now...do you love me??) when you're not even sure you would believe her answers anyway.

And.....one more you already know.....do NOT marry her until you trust her. And that part just plain takes as long as it takes.

Take care,

let me know.

[LOC NAR on probation]

Listen to Weedhound, This is some very very good advice. You have to trust her or it will never work. Weed, you could be a counselor. I might need some help too.
The child may not be yours but that doesn't mean you can not raise her like your own. The child is the victum here BUT you have to be sure about your girlfriend. The military is an awsome responsibilty in itself ( God bless you and keep you safe). I'm an old military brat. You can offer her many things an average Joe can not. I hope she is not just using you. You must be sure and make sure this doesn't effect your job.

30 years with my highshcool girlfriend and since I got popped for growing last year. She doesn't trust me and things have not been the same. I have never been in trouble before. Reading this, I think we wil go to counseling for sure.

Peace and God be with you. I hope you make the right choice.

[napolitana869]

I think it sounds like you know the right thing to do, but you're too afraid to do it. Maybe you're too ready for a family and are jumping at this chance to have one, even if you know it might not be the best thing for you. From what you've said it doesnt seem like this woman is very trustworthy. Be careful, and good luck making the choice that is best for you, what ever that may be.

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Thank you all for the advice, you are all very helpful.

Weedhound, you know...I think you could be a counsilor! I thank you. Your advice has been most helpful, my friend. I will have to marinate all this and get back to you.

Thanks to all,
-Pockets

[Fengzi]

It sounds like your confused by what you think you should do and what your heart really tells you to do. There's a huge difference but sometimes you can't see it until it's too late.

When I was 18 I met a girl who's best friend was dating one of my best friends. We hung out a lot and eventually ended up together. Her family was moving out of town, she didn't really want to go, and we ended up getting an apartment. After a year or so it just seemed like we should get married, everyone kept asking when, etc, etc. So we got married. Within 2-3 years we were living more like roomates than a couple. Granted, we were both working and going to school full time so that meant little time for anything else. But even when we'd both have free time, at the same time, we usually ended up doing seperate things. About 3.5 years after we were married she moved out, a year later we were divorced.

A year or so after my divorce I met an incredible woman who I instantly had an incredible attraction to. It was literally love at first site. Apparently she felt the same and from the first date we were inseperable. Withing a month of first meeting her I knew without a doubt that she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and proposed. It wasn't because we thought that was what we should do, or because anyone else thought we were "such a good couple" it was because we absolutely knew in our hearts that we were meant for each other. We now have a beautiful 3yo little girl and tomorrow, yes literally tomorrow, we celebrate our 10th anniversary.

My advice is this, if you are having doubts, she's not for you. Before you marry someone you should have that incredible feeling in your heart that tells she she is the one. If you don't have that feeling, she isn't.