Marijana Jokes List

[ari]

Hey, I'm new here, and I thought it would be cool to open a

Marijuana, Cannabis and Hash jokes thread!:D:D

You are welcomed to write any jokes you know as long as they include smoking, smokers, cannabis, Marijuana, hash, joint, bong, chillum, and their friends!

:thumbsup: Here is the first one:

- Stoned head died and went to hell. He opened his eyes and he sees of a huge marijuana field. Tons and tons of high quality juicy buds around him. He cannot believe his eyes. Suddenly, he sees another Stonehead. He runs towards him. And asks him in an astonished voice: "is this really hell? I always thought hell is lava and fire."
- The other Stonehead starts yelling: "Fire, Fire! You have Fire? We don't have fire here..." :D

Alright, that was me. Let's hear yours!

Ari.

[GHoSToKeR]

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes, what do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

[CanaDanKs Inc.]

Welcome aboard man. :jointsmile:

Well here's an old one...

A drunk man is driving recklessly in the middle of the night. He then suddenly sees a stop sign up ahead...What does he do?
He decides to run it without thinking of the consequences.

A few minutes later, a stoned man slowly approaches the same stop sign...and What does HE do?
Nothing at all...he patiently waits...staring at the stop sign, waiting for it to turn green!

[slowburn420]

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes, what do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

lol

[Marijuana connoisseu]

How many puffs does it take to get to the center of the bud?

[EmoRebellion]

How many puffs does it take to get to the center of the bud?

I knew once, but I got stoned and forgot...

[smoke it]

Q. How do you stop an army of stoners on horseback?

A. Turn off the carousel.

[dopefiend]

How many puffs does it take to get to the center of the bud?

one, TWO, THREEEEEE

[Coelho]

:S2: :S2: :S2: EXCELLENT idea for a thread, ari!!! :thumbsup:

[babystarbud]

a hippy is walking down the street one fine summers day when he trips over a magic lamp.
he picks himself up off the floor and gives the lamp a rub.

out pops a genie and says
"master you have freed me, i will grant you three wishes, what does your heart desire?"

the hippy says
"i wish for world peace"

"so it is done" says the genie, "what is you next wish, wise master?"

"i wish for an everlasting joint, one that will never burn down, no matter how hard i toke on it, made from the finest grass"

"so it is done" the genie replies, and whips a joint out from behind his ear, hands it to the hippy.

the hippy lights up and tokes away....hours pass, hours turn into days.
the hippy is totally wasted and the joint is still burning.

"wow" says the hippy, this is like, sooo coool, i can keep this like, forever and ever and ill always be able to get high, man im wasted"

"and for your final wish, wise master?" asks the genie

"dude give me another one of those everlasting joints!"

[bluntblaze]

Some stoned dude walks into a shop. He goes up to the man behind the counter and says "got any weed?" He says "no!" So the stoner leaves. The stoner comes back and asks the guy behind the counter "Hey you got any weed?" The man says "No I told you yesterday, we don't sell weed here." So the Stoner leaves again. The stoner walks in the next day and says "Got any weed?" The clerk behind the counter says, "Look you fuckin burnout we don't sell weed here, if you come in here again, I'm goin to nail your fuckin head to the floor!!!" So the stoner leaves. He comes in the next day. "You got any nails?" "No", the clerk replies. The stoner looks at him in the eyes and says, "You got any weed?"


:hippy:

[bluntblaze]

There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus.
The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says,

"Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks."

The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythgaorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.

"Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?"



The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. :D




:hippy:

[xmordeciax]

madd props on this thread ari!!!

[Sweeney]

lmao im dieing here in this thread. good shit.

[reality0]

Q. How do you stop an army of stoners on horseback?

A. Turn off the carousel.




aahahhahahahaha... you made me almost fall out of my chair laughing... i could soooo see a bunch of stoner kids having a blast on a carousel at some lousy carnival

[Sweeney]

The stoner went to a bar. He hasn't had any nookie in awhile. He saw this hot looking chick leaning on the juke-box in a dark corner and decided to talk to her. Hey baby I know this is a little forward but I dont get out much so I'm willing to take a chance. Why dont me and you go to your place and get stoned, maybe cuddle and make a little whoopie.

She looked up at the stoner and said - I cant right now, im on my menstrual cycle.

"The stoner scratched his head and thought for a second - it's ok I'll follow you, I'm on my honda.

[Snake2389]

here is mine, i dont remember the exact words so ill try to make it good

so a stoner, an alcoholic and a pimp get into a car accident and die.
They go to hell and devil tells them
D-Youll be locked in a room of your choice for 100 years
D- First will be the alcoholic, what room would you like?
A- I want a room filled with every booze you can find all over the world
D-You got it
D- Next will be the pimp
P- Id like a room with all the hookers in it so i could fuck them.
D- You got it.
D- Next is the stoner
S- I'd like a room filled with all the strains of marijuana.
D- You got it, (Devil locks all the rooms for 100 years)
100 years later
Devil checks the alcoholic's room, he sees him lying in his own vomit and barely awake
Then he checks the pimp's room, he is covered in his own cum and everyone are unconscious
Then he opens a stoner's room, he sees him sitting there, none of the marijuana was touched, a stoner is just sitting there, with tears in his eyes, he looks up while holding a joint
S- Hey man, got a light?

[Frank_The_Tank]

damn snake i literally shit my pants wit that joke damn that is funny as fuck

[Sweeney]

here is mine, i dont remember the exact words so ill try to make it good

so a stoner, an alcoholic and a pimp get into a car accident and die.
They go to hell and devil tells them
D-Youll be locked in a room of your choice for 100 years
D- First will be the alcoholic, what room would you like?
A- I want a room filled with every booze you can find all over the world
D-You got it
D- Next will be the pimp
P- Id like a room with all the hookers in it so i could fuck them.
D- You got it.
D- Next is the stoner
S- I'd like a room filled with all the strains of marijuana.
D- You got it, (Devil locks all the rooms for 100 years)
100 years later
Devil checks the alcoholic's room, he sees him lying in his own vomit and barely awake
Then he checks the pimp's room, he is covered in his own cum and everyone are unconscious
Then he opens a stoner's room, he sees him sitting there, none of the marijuana was touched, a stoner is just sitting there, with tears in his eyes, he looks up while holding a joint
S- Hey man, got a light?

lmao added rep for that one. hahaha

[mulltie]

ok..heres one duno if you could call it a cannabis joke but here it goes...

3 men are sent to hell
one for being a drunk all his life
one for using women
and one for smoking pot..

the devil puts the drunk in a room full of all the alcohol you could ever imagine and locks the door..

he then turns to the woman user and trows him in a room full of the hottest naked women nyphos and locks the door

he turns to the pot head nd trows him in a room full with the dankest pot ever feild loads of it..

he leaves them in the rooms for 1000 years and finaly goes to let them out ..

he opens the first door where the drunk falls out clenching an empty bottle and proclaims hell never touch another drop the devil decides this is good enough and gives him another go at life...

the second door when opened the woman user runs out proclaiming ''im gay''

when he opens the third door the pot head is just sitting with his back against the door a tear comes down his eye when he looks at the devil he asks him ''buddy ya got a light?''

heh long joke..
shit was already said :( bummer..

[MaryjaneAndHashley]

Some stoned dude walks into a shop. He goes up to the man behind the counter and says "got any weed?" He says "no!" So the stoner leaves. The stoner comes back and asks the guy behind the counter "Hey you got any weed?" The man says "No I told you yesterday, we don't sell weed here." So the Stoner leaves again. The stoner walks in the next day and says "Got any weed?" The clerk behind the counter says, "Look you fuckin burnout we don't sell weed here, if you come in here again, I'm goin to nail your fuckin head to the floor!!!" So the stoner leaves. He comes in the next day. "You got any nails?" "No", the clerk replies. The stoner looks at him in the eyes and says, "You got any weed?"


:hippy:

I knew that joke, but it was a parrot askin for grapes in a bar, go figure.
Although I think it has been transformed to involve weed..

[Nocturnal Stoner]

a stoner walks into a shop and asks if he can buy a microwave, the shop owner says " get out of my shop you pothead". so the stoner leaves.

The stoner comes back the next day and asks the same question and gets the same reply.

The stoner then comes in and says "why won't you sell me a microwave!?" the shop owner then replies "Because this is a tv shop!"

[wakdady]

i wish i had a good joke, cuz these are funny as shit

[The Great Wave]

awesome thread.

[AKA MariJane]

stoner picks up a bag and goes home. Thinks to himself ok i'll hide it in the cupboard so if theres a raid cops won't find it. He figures that might be a bit too risky so he thinks ok i'll hide it under the bed. He figures that might still be a bit risky so he decides he'll hide it in an empty movie case. couple days go by and sure enough cops come to his house. cop asks "ok sir do u have any marijuana in your cupboard" stoner-no, cop-any under your bed?, stoner- no, cop- any anywhere else?, stoner- no. OH FUCK WHERE DID I HIDE MY STASH!!??

[Pezzo]

i have a gd joke but its not pot related so i wont say it :(, ive spread some rep for these brillient jokes! keep it up guys if i have one ill post it

[Marijuana connoisseu]

Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?

A. None. Alligators can't fly.

:rastasmoke:

[Gunner420]

LMAO these are the best jokes ive heard in some time

unfortunately i have none to share......but if i did i would

[Dutch Pimp]

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A. Lickalotapus

[pass the chicken]

2 stoners are on the couch stoned of course

s1:dude I'm so high I could eat a pool of pudding
s2:dude I'm so high I could drink a pool of fruit punch
s1:dude I'm so high I can't feel my face
s2:dude I'm so high I can't feel my legs
s1:dude whos wheelchair is that?

[pass the chicken]

OOOOOO or my fav. joke of all time

it used to be on tv do you remeber it?
it starts off two kids talking bout smoking then it cuts to one kid grabbing the shotgun and .... well I'm sure you've seen it and laughed

[CanaDanKs Inc.]

How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
Wave.


Why did the stoner cross the street?
His dealer lived on the other side.


You might be a stoner if You flip through ten channels on the TV before you realize you were just trying to turn up the volume.

You might be a stoner if You're on the phone with your best friend and you forget who you're talking to.

You might be a stoner if It takes a hour to cook minute rice

[yoda]

q: what do fish smoke?

a: seaweed

[rebgirl420]

You might be a pothead if Everyone else is a lightweight

You smoke so much pot your couch has seatbelts

You might be a stoner if It becomes a chore to use the lighter

Q. How do you know when you've smoked too much?
A. When the most difficult decision crossing your mind is determining whether your eyes are:

a) open

b) shut

c) false

d) none of the above

What not to say to a cop when you get pulled over:

COP-Son do you know why i pulled you over? reply-You thought i had some donuts?

Arent you the guy from the village ppl?

Hey you must have been goin about 125 mph to keep up with me, Good job.

Are you Andy or Barney?

[ju99al0b0mb3r]

Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?

A. None. Alligators can't fly.

:rastasmoke:

:S2: :S2: :S2: :S2: :S2: :S2:

That Shit Made My Sig

[Marijuana connoisseu]

I'm glad I could be helpful :jointsmile:

[tokin'smoker]

i'm so subscribing to this thread. these are all hilarious.

[dopefiend]

i have a good joke for you. MARIJUANA LAWS:chainsaw:

[smok3y]

:D :D lol.. Brilliant thread.. Propz dude:thumbsup:

[ari]

LOLLLL:rastasmoke: :D :D

Here's another one:

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

LOLLL

[Reefer Rogue]

Wanna hear the best joke about cannabis?
























































































































































































































































































































































It's Illegal!

[Greenport]

lmfao

[ari]

Hi all
i got alote of mailes that you liked the theard .and i wanted to say thankes to all of you .



Lets try an short one


Why did the pothead crossed the rode?

He wanted to check what thet crazy chicken was smoking :D:D:D

add yours'

p.s - you are all welome to my cannabis seed compaire site, i wellcome reviews. canaseed.com

[Jah420]

One day this cop pulls over a stoner for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the stoner for his license. "You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''

...

How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb? - Two: One to hold the bulb against the socket, and the other to smoke up until the room starts spinning.

...

A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" The Fireman asked "How do we get there?" The stoner says "DUH, in a big red truck!"




great thread :thumbsup:

[partyguy420]

ok... this stoner forgets to nock on his friends door and just walks in... hes yhelling for for his friend... and lookin around for him... and he starts hereing this "jesus is watching you" "jesus is watching you" and he walks in to the master bedroom and finds a parrot.... and the parrot says "jesus is watching you""jesus is watching you"... so the stoner says whats your name little fellar... and the bird says mosses... and the stoner says now what kind of dumb ass word name their bird mosses... the parrot replys with "the same dumb ass who named there pit bull jesus"

[smoke it]

ok... this stoner forgets to nock on his friends door and just walks in... hes yhelling for for his friend... and lookin around for him... and he starts hereing this "jesus is watching you" "jesus is watching you" and he walks in to the master bedroom and finds a parrot.... and the parrot says "jesus is watching you""jesus is watching you"... so the stoner says whats your name little fellar... and the bird says mosses... and the stoner says now what kind of dumb ass word name their bird mosses... the parrot replys with "the same dumb ass who named there pit bull jesus"

thats a spoof of a religious joke i had heard.

[jessem98]

- One bong hit, Two bong hit, Three bong hit, Floor

- The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!

- A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20." The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!" The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?" The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"

[passitplz]

-

- A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20." The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!" The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?" The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"

dude...wait...what?

[passitplz]

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A. Lickalotapus

Q. what do u call a gay dinosaur?

A. Mega-sore-ass

[smoke it]

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

[jaGerbom]

lol no ill let myself kill this thread. assuming nobody posts after me.

[Runaway Jim]

^^damn i was hopin that one went farther. would make a good story:D

so there are two stoners walking in a forest when one stoner stops and looks down and points at tracks and says"hey, its deer tracks!" then the other stoner looks at him and says"pff, no way thats dog tracks!" other stoner "oh ya well well follow these tracks until we run into the anumal thats these are from!"

so the stoners are following the train yelling at eachother "dog" "deer!" dog deer dog deer dog deer dog deer..........untill they are both hit by a train
i lmaoed

[epicsoundz69]

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken

---

A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."

---

Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole!

[dopefiend]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?









































Shit, I lost my tractor!

[Juggalo k00kie]

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"


lmao, welcome to my signature:D

[SyndicateJuggalos17]

+rep for thread idea :thumbsup:
what do u get when u cross an irishman and some weed?

otatop dekab a <-- <--

ok maybe its only to me cuz my dad called me one when i was well baked... u know... inside