az,

We all have feelings like what you're talking about from time to time, it's normal. But it's our nature to wonder. Do you concentrate on each breath and heartbeat? No, somehow it takes care of itself. Don't worry.

I know it's paradoxical, but think on this for a minute. If you didn't exist, but somehow could wish for it, your very existance would be the most precious thing you could imagine. The ability to see, hear, touch, get stoned, think about things, etc., I think you get whay I mean. And you already have it. In a manned of speaking, you've already conquered death, and don't need to concern yourself about it. You're free to enjoy the life you have.

In the place where you're at, or at least when you wrote the post, is one of those moments in life when some Jim Jones can come along and sucker punch you, get you to accept their narrow view of how things work, all for the promise of salvation. Don't do it. You'll never find truth anywhere but within yourself. Not that any "religion" is wrong or right, in the most basic sense, but in my opinion trying to find God when you're at a disadvantage is like that old song "The Girls All Look Prettier at Closing Time". Wait 'till morning when your head is clear. Look at a sunset or something, and realize you're standing in the middle of the most miraculous thing going; the ability to percieve and question.

By the way, you'll probably live a whole hell of a lot longer than you expect.

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