I can relate to almost every single thing you said because I've been through all that kind of shit. Just look on the good side of everything, I know it's hard, but forget about all the bullshit and quit putting thoughts in your head. The only reason you are nothing is because you've convinced yourself that. Once you start that break, trust me, shit is going to get fucking stressful, just hang on though. I know the position you're in right now, and it's fucking hard, but just hang on there shit will get A LOT better trust me.