When I was dry and not-high for a few months earlier this year, I decided to freeze some pee just in case my stupid company decided to start random testing, as they've suggested they might. Then the wife finds it at the back of the fridge, sayz "Uggggh!", and I toss it away.

Then I get some weed, and have lots of fun. When I've got it, I'm an every-day smoker. I love weed, just love a little buzzzz, just do.

Then we go overseas for two weeks. Naturally, I *don't* try to bring so much as a stem with me, what with dogs patrolling the airports &c these days. I've actually had dogs walk up and sniff me, it's never been a problem since I'm never holding outside the house, anyway, and my hands, clothes, hair and other stuff are clean when I'm traveling abroad.

All this means that for significant portions of this year, I could have passed a test. And though two weeks without smoking wouldn't clean me up, it's halfway to a month, and that would. But of course, the moment I got into the house the other day, I fired a bowl and picked up where I left off. Mmmmm ... weeeeeed!

Then, yesterday, I got the memo: the rathole, fuck-you, we-hate-our-employees shitheads who run this outfit have decided to start random testing in the new year.

I guess that means I have to finish my stash right soon ... expect to see much smoke coming from my home this Crimbletime, kids!

Because it's random, I don't expect that I'll be one of the unluckies who're called right away to pee in the jar. The odds are just plain against it. But it also means that, when my number comes up, I'm going to have to pass it. The only good way is to abstain, and that just plain sucks.

You might wonder what I do that requires this kind of thing. Do I drive a train? Fly an airplane? Lead our gallant fighting forces into battle against the powers of evil? Nah. I sit at a desk all fucking live-long day, doing work that requires concentration enough so that I'm not stoned while I'm doing it.

So why are they doing it? BECAUSE THEY (believe they) CAN! I'm convinced this is just a way of exerting power over the peons, making them scared in their off-hours, visibly dissing us because we're all wage slaves for scumbags. And by their standards, I'm a degenerate.

Of course, if my colleagues go to the bar across the street after work, and drink enough Spudweiser and Olde Rottegutt that they wake up in the morning blind with a long drive to work ahead of them, hey, that's okay! Meanwhile, if I go home and take a toke, and then relax and do it like they do it on the Discovery channel, and then come into work bright-eyed the next day, boy howdy, I'm a fucking criminal!

Yeah! Send me to a pound-'em-up-the-ass Federal prison, boys, because I'm a menace to civilization!

Sigh ...

I also live in Massachusetts. The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court (the nice folks who used the same provision of the state Constitution to abolish slavery in the 1780s and legalize gay marriage in 2003) heard a case in the 1990s called "Webster v. Motorola." In this case, a guy who worked for a company that decided to random drug-test sued to prevent taking the test. He won, because the company couldn't show that if he made a mistake, it wouldn't be caught by other quality control processes in place. Meanwhile, though, a guy who drove for the company had to take the test because there's no back up if you're driving while stoned ... or drunk, for that matter.

Earlier this year, a company in Springfield, Massachusetts decided not to drug-test when the Civil Liberties Union of Massachusetts sent them a letter informing them of the Webster decision. I'm planning to drop a dime on my company to CLUM, and hope that they send a similar letter that scares 'em off.

I doubt that it will, though. I work for some right fuckers. So I have a back-up plan -- and here 'tis:

The minute I get a notice for the drug test, I'm scheduling a trip to Amsterdam. There, I'm going to smoke as much hash in a couple days as I can in those lovely little coffee shops. Then I'm going to come back and test positive.

I mean, look: it's illegal to solicit prostitutes in Massachusetts, and casino gambling is also illegal here. But I can get on a plane and go to Nevada, where both are legal. There, I can fuck up a storm while spinning the roulette wheel and throwing the dice, and watch my money disappear ... and nobody back in Massachusetts cares, because there are no laws broken.

Same diff, I figure, if I show them a passport demonstrating entry to the Netherlands. You going to prosecute me for obeying the law?

I don't know if it will work. But I figure that, if I'm going to go down, I'm going down fighting for my buzz!
Byker Reviewed by Byker on . Rant: my shithead bosses are random testing When I was dry and not-high for a few months earlier this year, I decided to freeze some pee just in case my stupid company decided to start random testing, as they've suggested they might. Then the wife finds it at the back of the fridge, sayz "Uggggh!", and I toss it away. Then I get some weed, and have lots of fun. When I've got it, I'm an every-day smoker. I love weed, just love a little buzzzz, just do. Then we go overseas for two weeks. Naturally, I *don't* try to bring so much Rating: 5