Accepted.
Sherman Schrader: Oh great, an abandoned psychiatric hospital! Now I can get Hepatitis!
Sherman Schrader: I hope you have hobo stab insurance.

Hands: Scharder, your scared of the toothfairy.
Sherman Schrader : That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifiling through my shit.


Knocked Up.
Female Doctor: Oops. That's not your vagina. That's your asshole.

Alison Scott: I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.
Ben Stone: It's okay... I didn't.

Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck. It's dangerous.

Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Fuckk off!
Alison Scott: What!?!?
Ben Stone: What?...

Pete: I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 88.
Ben Stone: Vrrooooom!

Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' loose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!

Jay: I'm going to be there to rear your child.
Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!


Grandma's Boy.
Jeff: Hey, Alex. Can we go back to your grandma's house? I gotta pee.
Alex: Why don't you just go to the alley and pee?
Jeff: I gotta pee out of my ass.
Alex: Well I guess we could go by.
Jeff: Emergency!

Dante: Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called Brown bomber.
Alex: Why is it called that?
Dante: Because when you smoke it You get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!
Jeff: Uh, I don't wanna do that.
Barry: Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.

Jeff: Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.

Dante: [looking around nervously while phone is ringing] What is that ringing? Do I have a tumor?

Dante: I'll smoke it with ya bro, we'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a fuck.

Dante: [Answering the phone stoned] Hello?
Jeff: Dante is Alex there?
Dante: Who is this? Is this the devil?
Alex: [hangs up the phone] Dude... you have to give me a ride.
Dante: [after smoking] I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house.