read Stephen King's 'On Writing'

trust me, it'll help

The only advice I can give you is this; cut, cut, cut. Alot of the sentences/paragraphs/dialogue was long and drawn out - keep it short and sweet. Delete any unneccasary (i hate that word lol) words or sentences. Let the reader fill in the rest themselves. If you don't then they'll find themselves skipping whole lines to get to the end quicker..

One more thing - Dialogue needs to be more realistic. ie, if you're writing a conversation between you and your dad, you should word it how you would both talk to eachother. If a 12 year old girl is speaking, don't have her saying words like 'unanimous' or 'existentialism'.. Similiarly, if you're having a conversation with your dad, you're more likely going to use slang terms, and drop your t's; that kind of thing.

anyway, it was an interesting read.. sorry about the critisicm, but I love to write, too.. so i love talking about it,

peas