I don't have any about weed, but I do have some funnies.
If someone asks you a question that you don't have the answer for, like "How much traffic will there be?" you say "Wait a sec, let me consult my crystal nut and Ill get back to you." (look at ur nuts) or if someone asks you a question to which the answer is obiviously yes, you ask "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"